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EmmC · Oct 31, 2008, 01:10 PM

I think I'm going insane or already there. I'm 41 and in my second marriage with two children. My husband is 20 years older. We've been married 10 years and I can't stand to even look at him now. For my question - To tell you the truth - I have never thought of myself as gay or bi. But for some reason, I am questioning that now. I'll be honest, I've been through a lot of crap over the past 10+ years and ended up abusing pain medication, then alcohol. Well, I'm in AA now and absolutely love it. I have a sponsor that is helping me some but I am finding that I think about her all the time. I try to find ways to spend time with her. She is an affectionate person and being the insecure person I am, I love it when I get hugs from her. I save her voicemails because she always ends them with "I Love You". Of course, she says that to all her friends and sponsees. Sometimes I see her holding hands with another woman in the group or she will have her arm another woman and I find myself wishing that were me. Oh by the way, she is happily married. This is really weird for me to be thinking about a girl like this. Would you be able to tell me anything about this? Damn, if she knew I was thinking of her this much, she would probably run or something. I don't know. Gees. I am insane. I really appreciate your time.

EmmC · Oct 31, 2008, 01:12 PM

Oh. Forgot to mention. I don't think about sex at all. I just want to be close to her. What the hell is that?

450donn · Oct 31, 2008, 01:21 PM

That is called an attachment not love. Sorry, it does not sound like any sort of love to me. She is helping you through your substance abuse issued and so you are becoming attached to her.
Now on to the more pressing issue, what is the problem between you and husband number 2? I think part of this whole process needs to be some counselling to help you deal with the marriage issues.

EmmC · Oct 31, 2008, 01:27 PM

Oh crap. Those issues are so deep now I don't know if they can be worked out. I've learned a lot about myself lately and unfortunately I have manipulated my way through life and he is just one more victim. On other hand, he has a problem with never telling the truth or exaggerating to build himself up. It's quite embarrassing sometimes. He is also extremely manipulative but doesn't realize it. My sponsor said wait a year before I make any life decisions, so that's where that stands. Oh, and thanks for your response. What a relief. IMO

450donn · Oct 31, 2008, 01:45 PM

I for sure am no expert. My mom was a drunk for most of my growing years, so I know a thing or two about that issue. Please do yourself a favor and get some professional help with your other issues even during this recovery time.. If you cannot afford it, there are many churches that offer all sorts of group classes for almost anything you can think of, so please don't be afraid to explore that avenue also. I have been to a few myself and they do not push religion so don't let that bother you.

plonak · Oct 31, 2008, 01:51 PM

I have experience with sponsors, I go to Al-anon and have a sponsor for that.. I can see how you can idolize this person because they are helping you tremendously and they are always there for you and so on..

You seem to be confusing this attachment with romantic love.. it is not romantic love at all.. you formed a strong bond with her but from what I've read from your post that's all it seems..

Maybe you can tell yourself that when you are meeting with her. You don't want this to get in the way of your recovery.. maybe if it's too hard to deal with get another sponsor.. but it could happen to the next person.. just be aware of it.. and get some professional help for how your husband treats you, he seems awful

linnealand · Oct 31, 2008, 02:42 PM

I agree with the other posters.

I think you should also consider that you might be projecting your addiction toward her. You think about her all the time, you make her the center of your life, she's giving you these highs on the inside...

What you're describing is not an uncommon phenomenon for patients in therapy. The therapist is there to save them, and they read more and more into it. Of course, it isn't a productive position to be in.

You should take some steps back to really look at the big picture. You've taken some really strong and important steps in your life. You need to give yourself time to sort things out, and don't make any rash decisions. I don't think you should be pursuing this woman in a romantic way.

If this is interfering with your recovery, no matter how hard it may seem, you might want to consider having a different sponsor with whom you do not have these feelings.

Choux · Oct 31, 2008, 06:13 PM

When a person has repressed his or her real tender feelings of love either through addiction or some other reason, these tender feelings come to the surface when a person loses his or her mental barricades.

This is the best you, your authentic self so long suppressed, your feelings of love bubbling to the surface. :)

Congratulations!

Don't be quick to label yourself... just feel your feelings and talk abut them. Many of your fellow AA members understand what is happening to you.

Feelings of love are associated with the highest levels(not lust) of sexual feelings... :)