[Sonador101]

A flaw I own,
Inside of me,
I try to fix,
All that I see.

People making,
Bad mistakes,
People doing wrong,

I try to make them right,
I try to make them strong.

But it usually ends,
In another awful mess.
This is I flaw I own,
Again I'll try to address,
Sometimes I help them,
And they thank me dear,
But I can't seem to help,
But to fix all near.

Sometimes I see,
Something not like me,
And wrongly assume,
That it's a mistake,
And genuine but fake.
When really there's nothing,
Wrong with it,
But that I forget.

And I try to fix it anyway,
And people get madder,
And people get sadder,
As fix,
What's broken.
And shouldn't be spoken.

This a flaw I own,
I'll try to disown.
And days go by,
And people cry,
I'll remember,
That I can't fix,
Something,
That was never broke.

[Sonador101]

What do you think of it?

[Clough]

Hi, Sonador101!

There seems to be a lull on this site concerning those involved or interested in the arts of any kind right now. As time goes on, I am sure that things will pick up!

I like your poem! It is from your soul and your inner thoughts. It reminds me that, a person can't be friends with everyone with whom he might have an encounter, nor be able to fix everything for someone else, no matter hard you try.

I am wondering what you mean by "but it usually ends, in another awful mess." as stated in your third stanza, please?

By the way, thanks for arranging your poem in a way that might be more conducive to a rhythm of some kind! It's much easier to read, and you do seem drawn to the rhythmic style that a person can have when writing poetry.

[msbug]

a flaw i own,
inside of me,
i try to fix,
all that i see.

people making,
bad mistakes,
people doing wrong,

i try to make them right,
i try to make them strong.

but it usually ends,
in another awful mess.
this is i flaw i own,
again i'll try to address,
sometimes i help them,
and they thank me dear,
but i can't seem to help,
but to fix all near.

sometimes i see,
something not like me,
and wrongly assume,
that its a mistake,
and genuine but fake.
when really theres nothing,
wrong with it,
but that i forget.

and i try to fix it anyway,
and people get madder,
and people get sadder,
as fix,
whats broken.
and shouldn't be spoken.

this a flaw i own,
i'll try to disown.
and days go by,
and people cry,
i'll remember,
that i can't fix,
something,
that was never broke.

Wow! I really enjoyed reading this. It truly feels like it hits home base with me. :D

[Sonador101]

Clough, you asked me to elaberate, what I meant in "another awful mess" well usually people get mad at me, and stop talking to me, and I get mad at them for not listening to me, yeah that's about it.
By the way thanks for the advice about stanza, I usually don't remember to do that, but it really made it easier to read.

[Clough]

Thanks for you appreciation, Sonador101! Your poem does look to be in a finer form this time. I hope that you will keep on practicing your art and sharing with us!

What you have in your signature reminds me of a saying that I have now taken to heart for a long time now. And, that would be that "The best mirror is a friend's eye."

[Sonador101]

"wow that really makes sense, the whole "The best mirror is a friend's eye." its pretty cool, and accurate.

[kiki_doki]

I also enjoyed reading this, it was very deep and flowed fantastically.(",)

[Clough]

"wow that really makes sense, the whole "The best mirror is a friend's eye." its pretty cool, and accurate.

Thank you! And, I'm glad that saying had meaning for you, Sonador101! It also has great meaning for me! It's amazing the short sayings that we can pick up and use as we go about our lives! You will acquire many more as you progress in your life with the experiences that you have.

[jrebel7]

a flaw i own,
inside of me,
i try to fix,
all that i see.

people making bad mistakes,
people doing wrong,
i try to make them right,
i try to make them strong.

but it usually ends,
in another awful mess.
this is i flaw i own,
again i'll try to address,

sometimes i help them,
and they thank me dear,
but i can't seem to help,
but to fix all near.

sometimes i see,
something not like me,
and wrongly assume,
that its a mistake,
and genuine but fake.

when really
there's nothing,
wrong with it,
but that i forget.

and i try to fix it anyway,
and people get madder,
and people get sadder,
as fix, whats broken.
and shouldn't be spoken.

this a flaw i own,
i'll try to disown.
and days go by,
and people cry,

i'll remember,
that i can't fix,
something,
that was never broke.

Introspective and thought provoking! I really enjoyed the read! :)

If you look above, you will see that I separated a few lines and combined a few for the flow but when one writes from the heart, sometimes an adjustment that I did, just doesn't feel the same to the author so you should have it the way you feel good about it. I did it just as a suggestion. When I write, I know what I want to convey and I don't always hold to the accepted forms but write it as I feel it. I am published but my main art is pencil drawing. I probably enjoy poems most because poems, generally I find create a mood as does music and most poems can be set to music because of the rhythm. Really speaks to my heart! Please share more!

[starbuck8]

I loved it Sonador! :) Very nicely written, and it conveyed your feelings nicely. I look forward to seeing more!

[linnealand]

Hi, sonador. It's good that you're writing. Your basic theme is good.

If you are interested in criticism that might make this poem more effective, I have a couple of thoughts you might want to consider. You're more than welcome to take it or leave it.

First, watch those commas. I assume you placed them for cadence, or wherever you desired longer than normal pauses, but line breaks and/or proper reading should take care of that on their own.

Second, while much of the rhyming works fine, watch out for lines where the rhymes can come off sounding forced. It looks like you were going for song-like qualities, which is great, but you might find that you don't necessarily need to rhyme in order to make it work.

You put forth a good effort. Keep going at it.

[linnealand]

One more thing.

I just took a look at your profile. It looks like you're only 13. I hope you are encouraged, and not at all discouraged, by what I wrote. Critique plays an important part in writing, whether it is for newbies or professionals. Certainly you must know that writing at your age probably signifies a knack for it that will continue to grow with time.

Good luck!

[bushg]

You know sonador I like your writing, but this one really speaks to me, I see a girl that is honest and mature beyond her years.


"i'll remember,
that i can't fix,
something,
that was never broke"


Sometimes people live their whole life never realizing this. Beautiful!

[Sonador101]

Well lin,
Thanks for your critique, trust me I really like it, well I don't mind it. I find it a good thing for people to give me advice. And I was going for song qualities, in fact as I read it I hear the song, that's acually how I see most of my poems, anyway thanks bunch.