[MaxyWelsh]

My daughter has given us a terrible time with her toilet training. Up until last year she still wet her pants, and now she is dirtying them again. She holds it in until its just bursting out and leaves marks on her undies. We've tried everythign (she hasn't had a birthday party for 2 years because of this). Then I discovered she had a hidden stash of dirty underwear. Her toiting habits leave a lot to be desired as well. She forgets to wipe herself (only adding to dirty undies) and we sometimes have filth down the walls.
What is going on here?
I know I did something similar as a child (held on until I had marks in my pants) and it was because I was too intereested in what I was doing to be bothered. But I had grown out of it by her age.
We've tried:
Smaking,
Making her wash her own undies,
Banning her from a pleasurable activity
Yelling
Pleading
Making her aware of the health issues
Not buying her new undies (and promising to buy her nice ones when she stopped - she did for a while too, then just wrecked the nice new ones!! )
Telling her to go the toilet every hour...
Any more suggestions?

[J_9]

How about rewarding her for good behavior? It sounds as though you are going about this the wrong way entirely.

Have you tried sitting down with her and talking to her, asking her why this is?

You are punishing her for something that could be a medical problem. Have you consulted her doctor?

You actually SMACKED her for this? Shame on you Mom, really. I am an advocate for spanking, I have done it to my own children, but only when they place themselves or others in dangerous situations.

YELLING!? She is 7

If you have not taken her to the doctor for a physical, this is another option that should be explored.

Also, I do not blame her for her hidden stash if you are going to be so irrational with this. The poor girl is embarrassed and by punishing her in the ways that you are, you are only compounding her embarrassment.

We as humans cannot control our bodily functions, for the most part. But I do think there may be a medical issue behind this.

[Fr_Chuck]

I will shock many here no for this spanking is not a helpful thing, There may be some underlining social or emotional issues.
Please I would suggest child counseling,

[MaxyWelsh]

There is no medical reason. As I said, I did the same thing and it is pure laziness - and wanting to finish what you are doing. I have seen her jiggling up and down, twisting her legs while she is colouring in, holding it in so she won't have to take a break from what she is doing. She has even admitted this is what she does.
We tried positive things too (as I said rewarding her with nice undies - we also tried stickers on 'clean' days, but when she wasn't having any 'clean' days that was useless.
You may think smaking isn't helpful, but after three years of this, it gets very tiring.
Yes, I can understand why she hid her undies because she was getting in trouble, but that doesn't excuse what she has done.
She might only be 7 , but give her some credit - she KNOWS its wrong and still does it!
How about instead of condemning what I have tried, give me some real concrete ideas to try!! I've listed what I've tried to avoid getting advice I've already tried.
Oh and believe me, she gets a hearty "Good Girl!!!" if she comes and tells me she had been to the toilet, flushed and washed her hands, so it's not like I'm not trying positive reinforcement.

[Fr_Chuck]

So she knows she is doing wrong and doing it on purpose, there has to be a reason, that is why I have strongly suggested counseling in this case.

[J_9]

How about, if you see her "twisting her legs while she is colouring" you take her by the hand and take her to the toilet.

Smacking is doing nothing but hurting her ego and self-esteem, what little she already has.

What you experienced may not be what she is experiencing. So you should get her checked out just in case.

This also may have something to do with your marriage problems. Have you had her in counseling too?

[MaxyWelsh]

Janine, I've tried that too - it works when I see her doing it, but if I don't, too bad, she just delays it until she makes a mess.
I think it has more to do with her personality type (do you remember me saying she was very willful in that marriage post - yep, it extends to EVERY aspect of her life).
I really don't want to subject her to the medical tests I had to undergo. I think the medical testing I need to get done is by the same doctor her brother sees - one that deals with behaviour, learning and attention disorders. I've suspected she has the same disorder for some time now actually, this discussion has helped me clarify that she really does need that appointment (I've been putting it off because my husband groans about how expensive it all is).
It's not exactly counselling Fr Chuck, but actually, I've found that very difficult to come by (I've been trying to get my son into one for about a year) - child phsychologists are very few and far between and VERY expensive... just adding to our marriage stress really.

[J_9]

Yes, Maxie, I bet that is what it is. I bet it is related to behavior. Make that appointment with your son's doctor, and keep us posted.

Just stop smacking her, please.

[LadyLuck1269]

I think you should take her to a doctor, and then a Child PHY if nothing is medically wrong with her.

[NowWhat]

Has anything changed in her life? New sibling, recent move?
We have a friend that their son did the same thing. He is almost 7 and still has issues. It has become painful for him to go and is on special medication.
My niece had some issues with going - she was put on a special diet (mineral oil and prunes in the mornings) She just couldn't go.
I understand your frustration. She's 7 and should have some of these things mastered. But, in reality, they don't. My 6 year old still has problems cleaning herself 100% when she has a bowel movement and is so embarrassed when it's bath time and tries to hide her panties.
There are lots of kids out there that have problems going for lots of different reasons. We have known kids that won't go on "foriegn" toilets - so they hold it all day at school and almost explode by the time they get home.
Please don't let this take over your lives. Not having birthday parties for the last 2 years seems harsh. Don't let her life become nothing more than a string of negativity and punishments.
Take her to the doctor and find out what is normal and what is not. This won't go on forever. I think the first step is figuring out what the root of the problem is. I don't think this is a case of pure laziness.

[grammadidi]

Here are some interesting little articles on SOILING PANTS and Stool Soiling and Constipation. I hope they help.

Love, Didi

[grammadidi]

Sorry, one more good one by a Dr. It's call Fecal Soiling.

Love, Didi