[arieman30]

My 12year old daughter backs talks me doesn't listen to me we fight all the what can I do? I'm am the mother

[Synnen]

Then BE the mother.

Be consistent with punishment, whatever you decide works.

My mom used to wash my mouth out with soap for mouthing back to her---it didn't really work, all things considered.

My advice would be to first choose your battles--YOU don't have to have the last word on stupid arguments, any more than she does. Second--warn her first, and after a warning, take away privileges, like her phone, TV, books, music, computer time, whatever. Whatever it is, though--give ONE warning, then take it away. Set a time for how long you take it away, and then STICK WITH IT. No caving early. She has to know you mean what you say.

[Synnen]

From a PM from the OP
help

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that does'nt work i've try that too she say's she does'nt care she still gonna be bad what can i do

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Take away something she really REALLY wants then. She wants to go to the mall with her friends? Nope. A school dance? No way.

If you really can't handle her, maybe you can get someone like a pastor or priest to be a mediator between the two of you, since you are having such difficulty communicating with each other.

[arieman30]

My daughter backs talks me and doesn't listen what can I do?

[Fr_Chuck]

Punish her, take away phones, use of phone at home, music devices, use of computer expect for homework that is supervised. At some point and time, she will figure out if she does not want to sit in an empty bedroom of any fun item, it should click that maybe I should do what they want.

[Wondergirl]

Like Synnen said, choose your battles. Don't argue with her over trivial stuff.

When it comes to important stuff, give out the order with the consequences and, if she doesn't do what she is supposed to do, follow through without caving in.

She is getting old enough to be pushing toward independence from you and wanting to be in control of her life. That's a good thing, but how she gets that independence is up to you. Offer her limited choices--if she does a good job putting all the dishes away where they belong, she can have X or Y privilege. That way she will still feel like she has some control. Or tell her, you can do X or Y job in order to regain Z privilege.

Also, have a family meeting with her and discuss very simply what you expect from her and let her voice what she wants in her life. Like someone else had said, you might want to do this with a third party present.

[Bluerose]

I think it really depends what we mean here by back talk. Young people around this age begin to exert their independence and I'm sorry but standing up to their parents is a part of that. If it's just simple cheek, refusing to do stuff, she is simply trying on independence. You can allow her to win some of the battles but not the war, if you see what I mean. On the other hand if she is being down right nasty and verbally abusive, stand up to her, take away all her privileges and let her earn them back.

[JBeaucaire]

At her age, you need to start planning some of these interactions. If you don't it will become an unending battle - you demand something, she refuses, you punish, she screams.

Stifle the urge to say "no" automatically if you can, even if you know the answer needs to be "no". Ask her questions about the request to help her see the thoughts going through your mind ahead of the coming "no". Add some alternate thoughts for that time...

Eventually you have to say "no" but she will know you at least considered it and kept her involved in the process.

Also, if you know something is coming, lay the groundwork yourself for putting her in control of whether she gets what she wants. She has to earn it by following some behaviors in advance. If she doesn't, that's OK, she's allowed to decide not to get what she wants.

My daughter once wanted something very difficult to fit in the normal day, I wanted to say "no" but she really wanted to do it. I told her that any morning she woke me up ready to go at 6:30am we would go do it. I meant it, too. She loved it... and never got up once. Problem solved.

Years later she lamented that she wished she had, and maybe I did, too. But the main point is she felt some control, and opted to sleep in instead.

[lickemlolly]

I do agree with the pick you battles and definantly with the option of taking away what matters most to her. Don't allow her to go out with friends take away phone, TV and all other lifes of luxery, I don't remember if you said how old she was but if she's driving take the darn car keys away too. This type of behavior has to be addressed because it grows worse with age. You may want to try talking to her also and see if maybe there is some type of underlying problem that is making her lash out.

[marisaann543]

When she spits out some comment, Don't FREAK OUT. She's feeding off the fact that when she says something, you lose all control and your arguments become powerless. Stay calm, don't yell, ask her to explain in detail why she is talking with such venom.