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Lacey19 · Mar 11, 2007, 01:04 AM

How would you react to your 19 year old daughter coming home and telling you that she is pregnant by the boyfriend you hate.

She works but still lives at home. Also she has just had surgery on her knee so it most propbably isn't the bes of timing but how would you react?

JoeCanada76 · Mar 11, 2007, 01:57 AM

I do not have a daughter, but I do not hate anybody. If this boyfriend makes your daughter happy then you should be happy for your daughter. Your daughter is 19, you can not keep her as your little girl forever. She needs to experience life and make her own decisions. No matter what happens you're her mother and should show support.

Joe

curlybenswife · Mar 11, 2007, 02:36 AM

At 19 here you are classed as an adult and id like to think you would no longer be at home, but these things happen I'd be non to pleased at first but there's nothing you can do other than except it and support the daughter.

froggy7 · Mar 11, 2007, 09:40 AM

Disclaimers first: I am not a parent, so you can take this or leave it.

First, I would sit down (by myself) and ask what I would do in this situation _if I liked the boyfriend_. Would I be willing to support the daughter while she finished school? Would I be pushing her to put the baby up for adoption? Would I expect her and the boyfriend to get married? That last one may be sticky for you, but understand that if she is keeping the baby, the boyfriend is (in a perfect world) going to be very much part of your lives for at least the next 18 years.

Then, I would sit down with the daughter and say "Well, I wish that you had been older, married, and more established in your life before you decided to have a baby, but that's not going to change what's happening now. So, what are you and your boyfriend's plans on how you are going to raise this child?" Listen to her answers, and then give any advice that you want, and point out where they may be making some assumptions that may be too rosy. This is where you can spell out what your values/expectations are: You can live here with the baby, but only if you go to school full-time. Or, I will be willing to watch the baby for 3 hours 3 days a week, but no, I will not be able to provide babysitting services while you go to school/work.

Essentially, your daughter needs to know _now_ what she can expect from you, so that she doesn't make her plans for the future based on faulty information. At 19, she's an adult, and there's not much you can do if she is determined to have a baby and relationship with this young man. But you can decide that if she is going to act like an adult, it's time for her to be one, and set your limits on what you will do for an adult daughter versus treating her like a child.

Squiffy · Mar 11, 2007, 09:50 AM

I would congratulate her, and tell her I would help her anyway I can. How you feel about her partner isn't important, its how she feels that matters. That man is going to be the father of your grandchild so you just need to get to like him, or at least be civil, for baby's sake.

Also, help her find a place of her own to live, if you don't want baby in the house.

Lacey19 · Mar 11, 2007, 01:46 PM

Just sp you know I told my mum I was pregnant and she hit the roof. Told me she was wiping her hands of me and she wants me to have an abortion!

Lacey19 · Mar 12, 2007, 01:45 AM

It is something I am thinking about. There is no way I would have an abortion that is just not an option!

shygrneyzs · Mar 12, 2007, 04:07 AM

You cannot help how your Mother feels and you are not responsible for how she feels. As a parent, no, I do no want any of my children thrust into adult situations that they are not prepared for, but I also know I cannot stop them from stepping into those situations.

Having an abortion is not your Mother's choice either - it is yours. Your Mother stated she will wash her hands of you, my parents said the same thing to me at that age and they did mean it. I was better off without them, as it turned out. I knew who I could depend on and who I could not. Sure it made life a bit tougher, but then if I was not ready to accept consequences, I should have never thought it could not happen to me.

So now you forge your life with your boyfriend and baby on the way. Hopefully you have good prenatal care and take care of your own health. Make life's plans for your new family. That is where the concentration of time and effort and love belong. Perhaps, in time, your Mother will come around. If that is what you want. It is amazing how when the baby is born, attitudes change and people ask forgiveness for having such a hard heart. Much of that hard line attitude comes from the parental nature to protect our children and we just do not see our little girls as ready for all the pangs of adulthood. I truly hope that your Mother does see the error in washing her hands of you. NO matter how old we get to be, it is nice to have Mom on our side, accepting us for what we are and our own life's choices.

Wishing you the very best. You have a lot to look forward to. Being a Mom yourself is one of the greatest of llife's gifts. God bless.

Lacey19 · Mar 12, 2007, 04:14 AM

Thank you very much for your advice it does mean a lot. I just want to be able to enjoy my pregnancy

talaniman · Mar 12, 2007, 05:33 AM

Originally Posted by Lacey19

How would you react to your 19 year old daughter coming home and telling you that she is pregnant by the boyfriend you hate.

She works but still lives at home. Also she has just had surgery on her knee so it most propbably isnt the bes of timing but how would you react?

I would be mad and dissapointed, but would still give her all the support I could.

lrhall41 · Mar 13, 2007, 01:52 PM

First of all I would like to point out that it happened to me. My daughter got pregnant at 19 and I hated (still do) her boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend). At the beginning I was shocked and a little dissapointed, but after the shock, I realized that there are so many options out there for you girls, and the fact that she consulted me, made my feel better. I told her that it was a BIG decision for her and that I was going to support her in whatever one she elected. That I personally would keep the baby and help her raise the baby, if she needed help. I was glad that she kept the baby because that baby is my life and they both live with me, and even though I am having problems with my daughter right now, the fact that I have the baby near, makes me feel much better.
You girls have a lot of pressures in life, and having a baby should be a joyous occasion. I helped her with her pregnancy and have been there for her for the last 2 years.
I am giving the baby the opportunity to have a stable environment where she is loved and knows that people love her. She is a true joy and I am glad that my daughter (even though we have the problems) she is around with her.

Lacey19 · Mar 14, 2007, 12:30 AM

Originally Posted by lrhall41

First of all I would like to point out that it happened to me. My daughter got pregnant at 19 and I hated (still do) her boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend). At the beginning I was shocked and a little dissapointed, but after the shock, I realized that there are so many options out there for you girls, and the fact that she consulted me, made my feel better. I told her that it was a BIG decision for her and that I was going to support her in whatever one she elected. That I personally would keep the baby and help her raise the baby, if she needed help. I was glad that she kept the baby because that baby is my life and they both live with me, and even though I am having problems with my daughter right now, the fact that I have the baby near, makes me feel much better.
You girls have a lot of pressures in life, and having a baby should be a joyous occasion. I helped her with her pregnancy and have been there for her for the last 2 years.
I am giving the baby the opportunity to have a stable environment where she is loved and knows that people love her. She is a true joy and I am glad that my daughter (even though we have the problems) she is around with her.

Thank you for your advice. The thing is I have just got this fantastic job working in Central London it is a Massive bank and everyone including myself are worried whether I will still have a job at the end of it, Mainly because I have been working from home the last 6 weeks because I've had an operation on my knee.

Once I told my family they all went mad. I had already made my decision on keeping my child, but more and more members of my family have said they are wiping there hands of me or have an abortion.

Do I have an abortion and me be unhappy for the rest of my life to please my family? Or do I have my baby and risk losing memebers of my family??

IN NEED OF HELP SERIOUSLY!!

talaniman · Mar 14, 2007, 03:47 AM

Please yourself, do what you feel you should. Its your life not theirs. You will be more fulfilled with raising your child than with any of them anyway.

JoeCanada76 · Mar 14, 2007, 05:17 AM

Keep your baby. Your family has nothing to do with this decision. I thought you already knew what you were going to do. If your family is not going to be supportive. I think the best thing to do is say screw the lot of you and I am going to do what I feel is right for myself and no one else. Of course, you can say it a lot better then I did but you need to follow your concience and what is right for you. Not your mother, and not your family.

Joe

froggy7 · Mar 14, 2007, 05:22 AM

Originally Posted by Lacey19

Thank you for your advice. The thing is i have just got this fantastic job working in Central London it is a Massive bank and everyone including myself are worried whether i will still have a job at the end of it, Mainly because i have been working from home the last 6 weeks because ive had an operation on my knee.

Once i told my family they all went mad. I had already made my decision on keeping my child, but more and more members of my family have said they are wiping there hands of me or have an abortion.

Do i have an abortion and me be unhappy for the rest of my life to please my family? or do i have my baby and risk losing memebers of my family?????

IN NEED OF HELP SERIOUSLY!!!!!

I think you need to sit down and seriously consider your options, and what's best for this baby. Are you really ready to be a parent? Quite frankly, if you decide to keep the baby, you will need to grow up fast and be an adult, and that means being able to support yourself and not depend on your family. Are you prepared to live on your own, pay all your own bills, and make arrangements for childcare while you work? And what do you plan to do about the father of this child? Are you two planning on getting married? Does he plan on being a major influence in this child's life, and is he willing to step up to the plate financially? And yes, you may be estranged from your family for all of this, possibly for only a short time, possibly for the rest of your life. If you aren't ready to handle that, you are probably not ready to be a parent.

However, it's not just "have an abortion or have a baby". You could also have the baby and give it up for adoption, if you decide that you just aren't capable of taking care of one the way he/she deserves at this point in your life but don't want to have an abortion. That route might not cause as much friction with your family as keeping the baby, if that matters to you.

Lacey19 · Mar 14, 2007, 06:03 AM

I am prepared to do what ever it takes to be the best I can be for my child. Is that such a bad thing, I've had it rough myself and I want to support provide love and care for my baby and I have the capability to do that and I will do that. The father of my child will be there 110% of the way he will support provide and love the both of us.

Ok so if I do lose my job, there are plenty of other jobs out there and yes I do have qulaifications. My partner will be working soon, and we will do the best we can.

We may not have the best house or the best car but we will be the best parents we possibly can be for our baby our child our pride and joy!

JoeCanada76 · Mar 14, 2007, 06:06 AM

Lacey,

It is not about the money, it is not about materialistic items, it is not about having the best house, or apartment or car.

It is about having unconditional love for your baby, for you're new family. Just be happy, make sure the baby is happy and that no matter what is going on around you, you make sure it is a loving environment for you're little one. Nothing else matters.

Joe

Lacey19 · Mar 14, 2007, 06:26 AM

Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

Lacey,

It is not about the money, it is not about materialistic items, it is not about having the best house, or apartment or car.

It is about having unconditional love for your baby, for your new family. Just be happy, make sure the baby is happy and that no matter what is going on around you, you make sure it is a loving enviroment for your little one. Nothing else matters.

Joe

You couldn't have been more right but money dose help!

I will give my all to my family and will love my son/daughter unconditionally.

Thank you for the advice!

kutlessfan03 · Mar 21, 2007, 02:17 PM

It is your decision what you want to do. Not your mothers. She may just be upset and need some time to get adjusted to the idea of being a grandmother. If not, oh well one day she may come around. My dad and I haven't spoken for five years and I have a baby and I am doing fine without him in my life. I believe if it comes down to that, you will be fine without your mother, too. ;)

vlee · Mar 22, 2007, 04:24 PM

I think your mom is reacting negatively because she knows all that being a mother entails, and she probably just wanted you to have more time for yourself and to gain life experience before you became, well, her. She may have had high expectations of you, as though you were going to do all the things she didn't. (Stay single, finish college, build a career.) I say this not knowing if these are things your mom gave up in order to start a family, but often this happens. And let's face it, moms always want the best for their little girls. So the fact that she doesn't think this guy is good enough for you is probably clouding her judgment. As for the "washing her hands of you" reaction, I think this is mostly anger and frustration she is displaying because she couldn't stop you from making what she feels is a mistake. I don't believe for a minute that your mom has stopped loving you, and I am confident she will come around. She'll be secretly dying to see your first ultrasound pics. I wish you and your boyfriend a healthy baby, and I hope your mom shows some support sooner rather than later. Good Luck!