[iamarcin]

I'm 22 will finish school next year
Still living with my mother and brother and now fiancé in ny
My mother just recently got a divorce with my father
I was born in poland and have lived there for the first 10 years of my life
She is 28 and not a us citizen so that is one of the reason we want to marry this soon
The problem is that this is my first real grilfriend
I have beed going out with her for 15 months
The only girl that I had sexual relations with and they aren't as good as I would like(im not shure about how important that is to me)
I do find her psisicaly attractive but we share very few comon likes which seemed like there were more at the start of this relationship
She wants the marige I don't want to rush it
My friends are advising against marrige but not that strongly
My mother is supportive and is friendly with my fiancé
My father is very unsupportive but I don't appreciate his advice because of the other choices that I saw him make
I don't want to break up because I think this could be the one but I am worried that in a couple of years I will see it diferently
Like as if I didn't have much to compare
I don't enjoy dating
I hate formality like wedings which is why I want a small one and she agrees
I want one kid but in about 3 years she want one soon

Any advice would be appreciated

[kp2171]

Don't do it

You are not ready

Period

[iamarcin]

Please don't misread this as rudeness but that does not help much
How do you get ready
If I dump her that's it
Please leaborate more

[kp2171]

There's just too much uncertainty. And don't even talk about wanting a kid in 3 years. Find the relationship that is right first.

You say she might be right. You are not sure. Please, please, please... don't marry to save somebody. Don't marry because of a rush. Don't marry because of pressure.

You're not a bad person for not wanting to make a big mistake. She might be the one. She might be a great person.

You are simply not ready yet.

[kp2171]

There isn't a checklist for when you are ready for marriage.

For me... id dated for some time. Id even dated a girl I thought id marry someday, but didn't.

When I knew... I knew myself better, I knew this person was great, I knew that all of the things that were important we saw eye to eye on, or close enough.

But I didn't feel rushed or pressured. There was a comfort in the idea of marrying her. It seemed like the right thing to do inside, not because id lose her otherwise.

[fredg]

Hi, iamarcin,
I was married for the first time at 24, she was 19. After 7 yrs of marriage and two small children, I was divorced. Three years later, married a wonderful woman, now married for 29 yrs. I am 64.
At 24 yrs old, had a Bachelors Degree, had a job, and was ready for marriage.
You notice I said "had a job, and was ready", but it still didn't work out.
You are 22 yrs old, still in college, no job, and thinking about marriage? To a 28 yr old woman? Who isn't a citizen of the US?
Please think about the questions I just listed above. They are ALL against you getting married now.
My advice is to wait. Finish school, get yourself a job, learn some about other girls closer to your own age. After a year or so, and if you both are still in love, then consider marriage with her. I do wish you the best.

[kp2171]

I agree.

Marriage, even a great one, is work. Sometimes very little work, sometimes it takes all you have.

If you put all of the things into the mix... the pressure, the uncertainty... its just a recipe for frustration later.

Not easy to hear, I know. But just don't think the circumstances are very stable or supportive of such a big step.

[Fr_Chuck]

If you are not ready to be married, you should not be living with her and having sex. ( only difference is a piece of paper)

You are making emotional ties when you continue to see someone and have sexual activities. And if you don't want to live with her then don't

[orange]

To add to all the great things that have already been said, I also think that you should be living on your own (not with your family) and supporting yourself before you consider getting married. This is especially true if you plan on having children. Children cost a lot of money, and someone will have to pay for that! Plus, your wife will likely want her "own space", and not want interference from your mother or siblings. I know I wouldn't.

[Wildcat21]

I don't advise anyone to get married before age 25. The human brain is not fully developed until age 25. Things ca nchange drastically in you life in 3 short years. I'd wait - you also many unanswered questions. You'll know when it's right.

I understand her urgency. Please make sure she isn't using you to stay in the good old USA. I don't know all her details - but, people use other people to marry just to stay in the US.

Hey, and you sound unhappy ALEREADY over the sex. It can be a huge issue going forward. It can and usually does get better IF you communicate.

[kp2171]

- still living with my mother and brother and now fiancé in ny

- not a us citizen so that is one of the reason we want to marry this soon

- the only girl that I had sexual relations

- they aren't as good as I would like

- we share very few comon likes

- I don't want to rush it

- I am worried that in a couple of years I will see it diferently


Again, all reasons to not marry now... and I didn't see this the 1st time, but did you call her your fiancé at the beginning? Are you actually engaged to be married?

[s_cianci]

It sounds like you're very unsure of yourself right now. That being the case, I'd refrain from making any kind of major, life-altering decisions whatsoever regarding marriage, having kids, career move or whatever. It is totally unfair to the other people who'd be impacted by such decisions, first and foremost your fiancé. Give yourself a couple of months to think everything through and decide for yourself what course you want to pursue. Decide on what's best for you, not what you believe others think or expect. You should tell your fiancé that this is what you need to do and put your engagement "on hold" for a while, giving her the option of breaking it off if she wants. Touch base with her again when you've sorted everything through and let her know what you've decided.