[cora]

HI, I just really need to know if I am way off base here.
Last night my husband told me that"you need to understand how it is going to be between my daughter and myself." " when it comes to special events, even if they conflict with your boys(his stepsons) and in the future if we have children of our own, I will always go to my daughters events over theirs.
It is only fair. I live with you and the boys, and eventually our future children, I don't live with her.. Our children will just have to understand. "

I think he is way off base, and I got very upset. Children don't understand precedence. When I married him, the circle closed, and I took him into my lfe as well as his daughter as part of my family. I don't say STEP, I say family, daughter! Maybe that is just the way Iwas raised. I never differentiate between his daughter, my sons, and as he says "our future children"
MY sons are 10 and 7, his daughter is 2..
I just feel he is wrong. We are all family, there should not be any of this child over that one.
Am I way off base here?

[pixie2674]

I don't think your off base, all the children should be treated the same. I'm in a similar situation, with my fiancee'. I have a 9 year old son and he has 2 daughters 8 and 6. We've lucked out with the kids all being around the same age, and go to the same school. I'm with you I don't think of his daughters as step daughters they're my daughters as well as my son isn't his step son he's his son. In the matter of any future kids you might have with him, he shouldn't have already decided that he will always go to his 1st daughters school or sporting events over any future children or even over your son's. You should both make an effort to make it to as many school or sporting events for all of the children as possible. I'm not an expert but that's my advice. Good luck.

[cora]

Thank you for your reply. I also agree.
Marriage completes the circle. We are all family now..
THANKS!

[centchemmueller]

I wonder how he would feel should the rest of his children, future and present, not invite him to events or maybe form a bond with some other male authority figure, say an uncle or grandfather and completely leave him out of the loop all together.

Why can't he take his "real" daughter to some of the other children's events and vice versa, this way he's there and everybodys a part of the event. Good luck to you. And I pray he opens his eyes to what he's missing.

[Bonus Mom]

Direct you too. http://www.second-wives.com/secondwives/index.html go there and talk to the ladies there they give some great advice. :)

[andreamarie]

Hi
I know I am new here but from personal experience I think you need to re-think your family dynamics.
My dad was divorced and had 2 daughters from that marriage. They and my dads mother wanted him to remarry his ex. That never happened and we were NEVER a family.
The other girls lived with his parents. Their CHOICE. They would not accept my mom, sister or me.
None of us girls get along and no longer speak to one another.
There is no way to smooth over another persons neglect by trying to make up for it yourself and resentment ALWAYS rears its Natural ugly head.
Dads mother referred to me and my sister as clintons (our dads) mistakes.
It might get better but I doubt it.
Your man spelled out his priorities and the question is, can you live with them and the results.
If you live his way in the name of peace you are short changing yourself and most importantly your children. Also if he cannot see his own FUTURE CHILDREN as important as his living daughter. Something is very wrong with him and not just guilt over her broken home. What you describe is unnatural and obsessive.
I would consider seting a few of my own rules. Like #1 Fairness for all.
ALL THE KIDS DESERVE IT AND NEED IT.
OR YOU WILL HAVE NOTHING BUT TROUBLE LATER.
He selfish also.
What ever you do do it for the best interest of ALL THE KIDS.
Good luck to you.
andreamarie

[startover22]

I think you are off base I have to agree with andreamarie. This is a choice you made, and blended families are very hard to deal with. Only very strong and forgiving people can make these work. Most of them (meaning parents and children) end up totally confused and resentful of the others around them. That is my take. I lived in a family like this and I am 32 and STILLl think, why did my step mom buy him (her son) that and not me. Why did she stay with him after having his first baby and none of my four children. There is a never ending sequence of hurt feelings and emotional pain that comes with blending families. I wish you the best of luck and hope you can understand the fact that you CANNOT make your guy choose between his daughter and something else. Sure he loves you and the boys, but he put it to you the way he sees it and if you can't handle it then, you need to seek out some help to guide you on how to get through it.