[Vuala_Ahem]

I have a generally healthy lifestyle. I read fitness and health articles and I live by them. My boyfriend however, is 5'11", 225 lbs. Not too bad, but not good either. He has irregular eating patterns where he starves himself at work, and gorges at home. He works a regular 8-5 job outdoors as a yardman for construction equipment rentals. He has a 3 year old son and when he goes home after work, he's rather sedentary. He tells me that he's active and working in the sun all day and shouldn't have to work out. He also uses his son as an excuse to be sedentary.

During the week, I only have about 3 hours a day to myself. 1 of those hours, in 3 alternating days I spend at the gym with various work-out routines. During the weekend I mountain bike, hike, swim, do pilates, etc if I'm alone. Or, if I'm with my brothers, I play volleyball, football, softball, and other team sports. I have tried time and time again to convince him to join me for all or any of these activities, but he always just passes on it and waits until I'm done so we could relax together.

I recall growing up and seeing my father as a couch potato. And now he has diabetes to the point that he can't even walk down the block without his blood sugar dropping too suddenly. The illness is crippling and he can no longer work. And I see my mother carrying the entire load of the family on her shoulders alone. That lifestyle is too stressful for one person to handle. I absolutely, positvely, do not want that to be what I resort to in the future. A husband that never cared about his health while in youth, and his dutiful wife cares for him while he's handicapped. Not for me.

I know that sounds very selfish, after all if something crippling were to happen to me, I know my boyfriend would be at my side. That is why I am desperatly looking for a way to encourage my boyfriend to adopt a healthier lifestyle. I've even thought about breaking up with him for a person who has a similar lifestyle as me. What do you think?

[jjwoodhull]

I'm sure you have the best intentions, but you are probably coming on to strong. Resist the temptation to nag him about it. Maybe he is intimidated by the competitive nature of your family. Or by the fact that you are a better athlete than him.

Instead, try to casually incorporate new activities into your time together. Ask him to take a walk with you. I realize this would not count as a workout for you, but it would be more than he is doing now. Or pick a sport that you are not good at and ask him to take lessons with you.

[Fr_Chuck]

You should be accepting of your boyfriend, the worst thing you should be doing is a plan to make him change to be what he does not want to do. You invite him to bike with you, or to walk with you and so on, give him opportunity to but beyond that it is his choice

[azdesertchick]

Wow this may sound harsh but so did your comment about breaking up with him because he's not as active as you. Umm maybe you should do his job for a day and see how active you feel when you get home. I understand this all probably stems from you seeing your parents and what they are going through but that's what marriage is all about, for better or for worse.. in fact that's what true love is all about.

So yeah if you think you can't live with how he is now then maybe you should consider if you really love him or not. By the way his 3 year old son is no excuse it's a great reason to kick back with your kid and spend time with him if that's truly what he's doing. If he is then I commend him for it.

So if he is fairly active at work which in that job I'm sure he is, then the only thing I would worry about is increasing his healthy foods during the day and also water intake this will keep his metabolism going constantly which in itself even if he still eats a lot during the night will cause him to lose weight. If you live with him (do you? Otherwise forgive for assuming) then why not get up and make him breakfast and then make him a lunch to take to work but don't nag just let him know it makes you feel good to do that for him and even throw in a sweet love note every once in awhile.

The thing is the more you appreciate him for who he is now the more he may be willing later to join in on other things at his own pace. You have to love your man for who he is now because after all that's what we as women want right? Good luck hun and I really hope you're able to look at things different from his point of view as well. :)

[Vuala_Ahem]

Thanks desertchick, I agree about him spending time with his son. I don't typically ask him to join me during the week. Besides, I know he gets really bored at the gym and if I do manage to drag him there, he'll just sit and chat with people. During the weekends though, I spend much time at the beach, park, or mountains (I live in so cal, its all local to me). It seems like that would be a great place for him to bring his son. Instead, I see his son watching movie after movie at home (and actually, not even in the same room as my bf). I don't live with him. But you're right about fixing him some meals for work. I know that's what he needs to boost his metabolism. Maybe if I fix his meals the night before? I'll see what I can do..

Woodhull, you're also right. I am willing to do less intense activities during the weekends with him. That time would be my greatest chance. It'll be really tough for me though once the winter season rolls around. I'll be missing out on my a.m. surfing/p.m. snowboarding weekends with my friends and brothers. Maybe next season, he'll be able to join me... Camping seems like a good idea (he used to enjoy it as a child). I could incorporate a few hikes, a bit of swimming. Without his TV, he'll be more likely to join me in nature activities.

Fr_Chuck. As much as I'd like to disagree with you, I also think you're right. But not yet. I'd rather feel that I exhausted my options than just let it go. I used to be about 50 lbs heavier than I am now... back when I was a couch potato with my father. As I started moving, I began to really enjoy everything with movement. I hope to inspire that in my boyfriend. If, in the future, I feel I've exhausted my resources and patience, I'll have to evaluate whether I love him enough to live through the consequences.

[azdesertchick]

Hey Vuala I just had a thought. Maybe he fights you so much on it because he feels it's just you trying to change him and not really being concerned for his health. Now I think you have his best interests at heart but maybe someone in his past was very bossy and he has a hard time differentiating the two. Just a thought but yeah the meals may help and then I had a question.. does he miss you like does he voice how he misses you when you go off and do all this? Also have you ever asked him if there was anything at all he'd be into? Like walks to the park to play with you and his son or does he have a dog that maybe you guys could also take along? How well do you and his son relate? That may be the ticket see if you can take his son to go do some fun activities like rollerskating or rollerblading and maybe if he wants to go with you more often Dad will want to tag along too especially if his son is asking him too (asking his dad on his own of course hehe not because you tell him to ask or it may backfire lol). Anyway good job on getting in shape and again good luck keep us posted! :)

[DrLang]

It's good that you care for your boyfriend's health and for the impression that he is making on his son. Though I don't think you're at the breakup phase yet unless there are other things really bothering you or if this really is a huge issue for you.

Given his job, he is probably getting plenty of exercise. The most effective thing to change would be his eating habits. If he's outside engaging in physical labor all day, then he really should be eating a decent lunch. A decent lunch would also help to blunt that crash he has at the end of the day. Dietary habits have huge impacts, and small changes add up a lot over time.

[talaniman]

Small changes as his diet, can help over time, but if he doesn't want to do things your way, your wrong to expect he change.

In all relationships talking is the key to working things out, and listening is the key to understanding. If you can't, or don't want to do either, you'll never accept each other any way.

See what he may be comfortable with, and go from there.