[alkaline]

I feel so bad posting this or even asking about this. I know I am such a jerk for asking it, you don't have to tell me. It has been on my mind for so long though, and I feel too bad to say anything about it to anyone outloud or that I know, and I've been considering asking about this since I first joined here.

I have a wonderful boyfriend. He loves me so much, it amazes me. I know I am so lucky to have found him, I know what is out there and I've had bad relationships. He and I feel the same way about all the big issues and life, want the same things for the future, are attracted to each other, and he treats me like a princess.

There are a few things about him that drive me absolutely crazy, though. And I feel so bad saying that, because I know they are such stupid small things, but they drive me nuts. I know you're all going to yell at me for even saying all this, and tell me to get over the small stuff and appreciate what I have, and I do. I just have to say this somewhere before I blow up.

1) His laugh. I hate the way he laughs. It's awful. I mean, really, really bad. It's loud and he snorts and does this weird air sucky-in-thingy when he does it. It's like a honk noise or something with a snort. It makes me cringe, it sounds... bad. Like, hurts your ears kind of bad. I don't know what to do... I feel like I'm the meanest person in the world if I tell the guy I love "I hate your laugh." How rotten is that? I don't want to hurt him. I just, I don't know what to do. I wouldn't say this if it wasn't like, extremely bad. Any ideas? At all?

2) The way he chews, especially gum. He chews with his mouth open a lot and smacks his gum. He also makes very loud slurpy noises when he has liquid or mushy things. Every time he chews gum he makes loud smack-y noises. It gets to be so annoying that I don't want to sit next to him when we're watching TV because it is that loud. This is like an everyday thing. He also pops his jaw around his mouth like, every 15 minutes, which makes a loud cringe-worthy noise, too. I've never seen anyone else do that before.

I told him once that it was really gross when he chewed with his mouth open and he stopped that moment, but still does it. I don't want to be his mother and lecture him on how to eat and chew properly every time we have a meal, I said it once and I hoped he'd become more conscious of what he was doing but it hasn't seemed to help. It grosses me out when I am eating and he does it. Especially if he talks with his mouth full (which he also does frequently and I asked him once to stop doing and he did only for that meal). I don't want to be a nag, but what can I do? I want to marry this guy, I want to have a family with him, but I definitely wouldn't want our kids picking up his bad eating habits and table manners.

3) He talks really loudly. The volume of his voice is off the charts. Everything he says is at the sound level of shouting. It isn't just annoying, it hurts my ears. I'll be sitting next to him on the couch and he'll say something (or laugh) and it'll be so loud and close to my ear it'll cause me actual discomfort. I've told him quite a few times to please talk more quietly (especially if we are at my parent's house). A lot of times I say I have a headache and to please keep his voice down because it hurts my head. I don't know what else I can do there.

I know you're thinking, "well if that is the worst you have to say about this guy you're being ridiculous." I have thought that myself and that is why I have kept it to myself for so long. But, it isn't completely ridiculous. These are things that are unavoidable for me when I am around him. They are very hard to ignore because they're so in my face. I feel like before we get engaged I need to address these issues somehow.

Can you help me? I really don't want to hurt his feelings, and if there is any way that I can do something about these things without making him feel bad I would be so relieved. If I didn't love him, I'd have said something to him about them already, but I don't want to hurt him.

Please, do you guys have any ideas? I will probably be away most of the weekend, but I'll be back Monday.

[margarita_momma]

LOL. I had a boyfriend with the same quirks that you are describing about your guy. Needless to say, the small quirks really got to me after us being together for 3 years. It would get to the point that I didn't even want to be in the same room as him while we were eating because of the smacking and I would always leave the room when he would start laughing because I was embarrassed. If you can "put up" with the small things and not let them bother you (like I did) then just give it the best you can and just think about the things you love about him every time he makes a weird snorting laugh. Good luck.

[alkaline]

LOL. I had a boyfriend with the exact same quirks that you are describing about your guy. Needless to say, the small quirks really got to me after us being together for 3 years. It would get to the point that I didn't even want to be in the same room as him while we were eating because of the smacking and I would always leave the room when he would start laughing because I was embarrassed. If you can "put up" with the small things and not let them bother you (like I did) then just give it the best you can and just think about the things you love about him everytime he makes a weird snorting laugh. Good luck.

It is relieving to hear I am not alone in this!

What you are saying about your relationship is what scares me, if this stuff is bothering me now, how will I stand it in 5 years? Yikes.

I do feel a little better knowing that other people have faced these issues.

The more I think about it, it's like they have some kind of weird oral issues or something, because all of these "quirks" seem to relate to the mouth.

Maybe next time I have nothing to do at work I'll try researching oral problems or fixations or whatever...

When we met he also had bad breath (real bad, woo) and I nipped that in the bud right away, I had to. It is still bad sometimes, but at least he is aware of it and makes an effort to mask it or brush his teeth or whatever he wasn't doing before. I basically told him one night that if he wanted to kiss me he was going to need to do something about his breath because it was a big turn off. I'm sure that being drunk when I said that helped a bit though, lol.

[margarita_momma]

Just wait until he is drunk again and bring up all the other issues. You never know, it might work. How long have you been together? If it has been a while then maybe he will sit down with you and you can talk about it.

[DrJ]

Hahaha this is funny.. and that stuff would bother the hell out of me! I say call him on it! Tell him its gross and to stop! You have to tell him more than once because he's spent his whole life building those bad habits so it will take some effort to change them.

As for the laughing... how old is this guy? Matured? If so, then good luck with that one. Make him aware of it and maybe he will be a little more conscious about it to at least "chill" it out a little.

Don't just sit on this type of stuff.. it will ruin you and your relationshpi with this guy. That stuff festers and causes a cancer in your relationship. Get it out in the open... even if you do it jokingly...

[Dennis777]

Hello.

Sending you a great Big Hug... Don't feel like your being picky because the little things add up good or bad.

I bet he has a sines problem and that's why he is so loud. He can't breath through his nose very easy and in many cases his hearing can be bad. My Daughter was little by little having problems hearing and breathing so it made her get louder and louder with everything. I do mean everything snoring, moans you name it the world knew what she was doing hehehe. She finally went to a doctor because everyone was kidding her about being so loud and she found out she had sines problems. 99% of her problems are fixed now and she is much quieter. She didn't know how bad she was because it came on so slowly.

Hope this Helps.
Dennis777

[Tuscany]

I don't know if people can change their laughs but I know people that have different laughs. Sometimes quiet, sometimes big and boisterous.

Now the chewing thing... that would drive me CRAZY! My step dad used to do that until my mom told him he could either shut his mouth or sit at another table. Sometimes he relapses into his old ways, but overall when my mom is around he chews quietly.

I think you should just talk to him. Be honest with him. It sounds like you have a great relationship otherwise, so I don't see these issues being a deal breaker right now. However if they continue they just might drive you crazy enough that you decide to leave.

Just remember no guy is perfect...

[alkaline]

Just wait until he is drunk again and bring up all the other issues. You never know, it might work. How long have ya'll been together? If it has been a while then maybe he will sit down with you and you can talk about it.

About a year, though we've known each other for about 7.

Funny you should suggest that, because I basically did that on one of the issues this weekend.

We were at a BBQ with his family. Well, he started chewing really obnoxiously with his mouth open and talking, it was so blatant. I looked at him and hissed "STOP CHEWING AND TALKING WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN!!!!" He did.

When we got home, I was kind of drunk, and I decided to bring it up again.

I said "Look, about earlier with the chewing with your mouth open thing and talking with your mouth full... you've got to stop doing that. It's really gross, and it is disgusting to see when other people are trying to eat, it's bad manners. You are almost 30 years old, it isn't *cute* when you do that, and it isn't attractive."

Then I told him how I'd asked him not to do it once before, and how he still does it and it is annoying me because I don't want to be a nag or his mom. It isn't my place.

So I said to him to please make an effort to stop so I don't have to keep telling him.

He said OK, he didn't get mad or anything. I mean, he was just pretty much like "ok, I'll try to stop doing that." So at least I brought it up again and that issue is out in the open.

[woh337]

Hi there, I have to admit that I had the same issues with guys. It is lame that it does bother us! I honestly don't know what to do with it, I actually did tell them before. Guess what... one of them have changed all the issues, the other got mad! I recommend you do tell him about your concern, it helps things to work out. And by the way, laughs... I am not sure if he can change that?? It's hard...

[huno]

Definitely don't let him get away with that crap; it's friggin' disgusting. He's a grown man, not some drunken frat boy--he should learn to be a respectable member of society.

You could try what my mom did to "correct" my dad's issues: ask politely, maybe even make a joke out of it.

"If you keep chewing with your mouth open and snorting you're going to grow a curly pink tail and eat out of a trough."

I can't stand when people chew with their mouth open and talk loudly, and I notice a lot of self-centered "type A" guys do this. That's exactly how my dad is and my mom has found it's best to be gentle but firm.

Incidentally, laughs can change. I'm not sure how you'd go about it, but my younger brother had a really irritating laugh that changed gradually over time.

[alkaline]

hahaha this is funny.. and that stuff would bother the hell out of me!! I say call him on it! tell him its gross and to stop! you have to tell him more than once because hes spent his whole life building those bad habits so it will take some effort to change them.

Yeah, I finally said something again about the chewing and talking with his mouth open thing. He seemed receptive, didn't get upset at least. I mentioned this problem to my dad yesteday, and he said pretty much the same thing, that he has had these bad habits his whole life and unfortunately I'm probably going to have to keep reminding him to stop when he is doing them. Basically, that these habits are so engrained in his behavior that he probably does a lot of it subconciously and I'll have to bring it to his attention. Oi.

As for the laughing... how old is this guy? matured? if so, then good luck with that one. make him aware of it and maybe he will be a little more conscious about it to at least "chill" it out a little.

Sigh. Yes, he's almost 30 years old. I can tell I'm not the only one that thinks his laugh is rough, I see the expressions other people make when he does it. He is a kindergarten teacher, maybe that is why he talks so loud, but I don't know for sure.

I almost wonder if he thinks he is being "cute" with these bad habits, like the laugh and the chewing/talking with his mouth open. I get this very strange feeling that he thinks he is being cute when he snorts when he laughs... I don't know where I get that from, but I had that same feeling this weekend when he talked with his mouth full of food. Maybe his bad habits get reinforced by being around 5 year olds all day...

dont just sit on this type of stuff.. it will ruin you and your relationshpi with this guy. That stuff festers and causes a cancer in your relationship. Get it out in the open... even if you do it jokingly...

You are right, I do need to address these problems. I actually feel like they bother me even more because they aren't out in the open. It's like I am suffering through them silently, and that might be frustrating me even more. Maybe if I approach them one at a time it won't be so overwhelming to him. But, if we are going to have a future together I'm going to have to learn to say things to him, even if they aren't what I think he wants to hear.

Thank you for the advice!

[alkaline]

Hello.

Sending you a great Big Hug... Don't feel like your being picky because the little things add up good or bad.

I bet he has a sines problem and thats why he is so loud. He can't breath through his nose very easy and in many cases his hearing can be bad. My Daughter was little by little having problems hearing and breathing so it made her get louder and louder with everything. I do mean everything snoring, moans you name it the world knew what she was doing hehehe. She finally went to a doctor because everyone was kidding her about being so loud and she found out she had sines problems. 99% of her problems are fixed now and she is much quieter. She didn't know how bad she was because it came on so slowly.

Hope this Helps.
Dennis777

That is something I hadn't thought of!

It makes a lot of sense, and is definitely possible. I'm actually going to ask him to look into this.

It's kind of like, if the cat pees on the floor don't assume your cat has a behavioral problem until you've taken it to the vet and ruled out it being a bladder infection or something. (dealing with that right now, too, lol)

I had thought that with the bad breath, it might be because he really needs to go to the dentist. He might have unhealthy gums and that might be what is making his breath so bad. He does have insurance, so I am going to talk to him about that tonight, too.

In fact, he also snores, which could be a sinus problem as well. I just got into the habit of wearing ear plugs to bed because I'm used to snore-ers (I could hear my dad across the house!). Maybe that can be helped, too!

What type of doctor would you go to in order to find out if you have a sinus problem? Is that something you would see your GP for, or would you need to go to an Ear Nose and Throat specialist?

If you don't mind me asking, what did they do to help your daughter? Did it require any invasive surgery? What was the treatment like?

Thank you so much for your advice and opinion, I really hadn't even thought of something like that...

[alkaline]

Definitely don't let him get away with that crap; it's friggin' disgusting. He's a grown man, not some drunken frat boy--he should learn to be a respectable member of society.

Yeah, he *was* a frat boy, but that was years ago. I'm starting to think that when guys live together in big groups they sometimes start reverting into really bad, gross, yucky habits. A guy I dated for a very short period before him didn't use sheets on his bed, had no pillows, and I swear he'd never heard of soap.

Besides that, for my career I have to attend a lot of stuff (stuff I really don't want to go to haha) where you need to be professional. He can't act like a pig in front of these people, it'll scare away clients.

You could try what my mom did to "correct" my dad's issues: ask politely, maybe even make a joke out of it.

"If you keep chewing with your mouth open and snorting you're going to grow a curly pink tail and eat out of a trough."

I can't stand when people chew with their mouth open and talk loudly, and I notice a lot of self-centered "type A" guys do this. That's exactly how my dad is and my mom has found it's best to be gentle but firm.

Yeah, I think I am going to have to persist with this, even if it means telling him over and over that he's doing it and I'd like him to stop. I agree that you do get a lot further by asking for things you want nicely, and I think that is the best approach to this.

Incidentally, laughs can change. I'm not sure how you'd go about it, but my younger brother had a really irritating laugh that changed gradually over time.

I am so happy to read this. I don't know how to go about it, but if it's possible to change it then I might be able to pull it off somehow.

[woh337]

I read about your post again, and I am like "geez, that really bothers me!" I mean, I think you are tolerating a lot! If I were you, I'd tell him about all these at the beginning. I am just being very honest, I mean, does he have professional job? I don't think not only u, but other people should have problems with him too!!

[alkaline]

I read about ur post again, and I am like "geez, that really bothers me!" I mean, I think you are tolerating a lot! If I were you, I'd tell him about all these at the beginning. I am just being very honest, I mean, does he have professional job? I don;t think not only u, but other ppl should have problems with him too!!!

Haha. I think it probably bothers other people, too. I have to believe it bothers my parents, after all they did raise me to have good table manners and speak with an "inside" voice. They're probably just being nice and not saying anything. Same with our friends, I guess.

He is a Kindergarten teacher, so I guess he can get away with all of this at work. I don't think the 5 year olds mind that he chews and talks with his mouth open and talks and laughs the way he does. I don't think he eats lunch with the faculty. He probably thinks that if the kids can act that way it's OK if he does too. Yikes.

[hottie_bec]

I feel so bad posting this or even asking about this. I know I am such a jerk for asking it, you don't have to tell me. It has been on my mind for so long though, and I feel too bad to say anything about it to anyone outloud or that I know, and I've been considering asking about this since I first joined here.

I have a wonderful boyfriend. He loves me so much, it amazes me. I know I am so lucky to have found him, I know what is out there and I've had bad relationships. He and I feel the same way about all the big issues and life, want the same things for the future, are attracted to each other, and he treats me like a princess.

There are a few things about him that drive me absolutely crazy, though. And I feel so bad saying that, because I know they are such stupid small things, but they drive me nuts. I know you're all going to yell at me for even saying all this, and tell me to get over the small stuff and appreciate what I have, and I do. I just have to say this somewhere before I blow up.

1) His laugh. I hate the way he laughs. It's awful. I mean, really, really bad. It's loud and he snorts and does this weird air sucky-in-thingy when he does it. It's like a honk noise or something with a snort. It makes me cringe, it sounds... bad. Like, hurts your ears kinda bad. I don't know what to do... I feel like I'm the meanest person in the world if I tell the guy I love "I hate your laugh." How rotten is that? I don't want to hurt him. I just, I don't know what to do. I wouldn't say this if it wasn't like, extremely bad. Any ideas? At all?

2) The way he chews, especially gum. He chews with his mouth open a lot and smacks his gum. He also makes very loud slurpy noises when he has liquid or mushy things. Every time he chews gum he makes loud smack-y noises. It gets to be so annoying that I don't want to sit next to him when we're watching TV because it is that loud. This is like an everyday thing. He also pops his jaw around his mouth like, every 15 minutes, which makes a loud cringe-worthy noise, too. I've never seen anyone else do that before.

I told him once that it was really gross when he chewed with his mouth open and he stopped that moment, but still does it. I don't want to be his mother and lecture him on how to eat and chew properly every time we have a meal, I said it once and I hoped he'd become more concious of what he was doing but it hasn't seemed to help. It grosses me out when I am eating and he does it. Especially if he talks with his mouth full (which he also does frequently and I asked him once to stop doing and he did only for that meal). I don't want to be a nag, but what can I do? I want to marry this guy, I want to have a family with him, but I definitely wouldn't want our kids picking up his bad eating habits and table manners.

3) He talks really loudly. The volume of his voice is off the charts. Everything he says is at the sound level of shouting. It isn't just annoying, it hurts my ears. I'll be sitting next to him on the couch and he'll say something (or laugh) and it'll be so loud and close to my ear it'll cause me actual discomfort. I've told him quite a few times to please talk more quietly (especially if we are at my parent's house). A lot of times I say I have a headache and to please keep his voice down because it hurts my head. I don't know what else I can do there.

I know you're thinking, "well if that is the worst you have to say about this guy you're being ridiculous." I have thought that myself and that is why I have kept it to myself for so long. But, it isn't completely ridiculous. These are things that are unavoidable for me when I am around him. They are very hard to ignore because they're so in my face. I feel like before we get engaged I need to address these issues somehow.

Can you help me? I really don't want to hurt his feelings, and if there is any way that I can do something about these things without making him feel bad I would be so relieved. If I didn't love him, I'd have said something to him about them already, but I don't want to hurt him.

Please, do you guys have any ideas? I will probably be away most of the weekend, but I'll be back Monday.

Hey alkaline, first of all did you notice these things before you started dating cause it sounds like its his character. I would say talk to him in a polite way and tell him that he needs to polish himself up and be a gentleman. Explain to him that you love him but there are things that are upsetting you. Also, understand that we are not all perfect so tell him that you are ready to help him since it seems like he might need some coaching from you. But he needs to be willing and ready to change more so he needs to accept that his characters are somewhat annoying. You seem to love him so just assist him. You will be doing him and the future family you want to have with him a big favor. Something else, don't feel bad about asking this question. There is nothing wrong you are doing. Good luck han!

[woh337]

Haha. I think it probably bothers other people, too. I have to believe it bothers my parents, afterall they did raise me to have good table manners and speak with an "inside" voice. They're probably just being nice and not saying anything. Same with our friends, I guess.

He is a Kindergarden teacher, so I guess he can get away with all of this at work. I don't think the 5 year olds mind that he chews and talks with his mouth open and talks and laughs the way he does. I don't think he eats lunch with the faculty. He probably thinks that if the kids can act that way it's ok if he does too. Yikes.

I see... if he works at a professional environment, he'd be careful about all the issues. It depends on if he is willing to change it or not, if he gets mad when u tell him about all these... let me know... I have a way to deal with it! trust me!;)

[drop]

Can he imitate voices/accents? I ask that question, because it's not hard to imitate a laugh if you can imitate a voice. Just find ask him to find a laugh you both like and ask him to try to imitate it - it'll be close enough. It probably won't help much if he finds something REALLY funny (since he'll likely lose control and use his real laugh), but it may help for polite laughter.

Chewing - maybe have him eat in front of a mirror?

Good luck,

drop

[alkaline]

hey alkaline, first of all did you notice these things before you started dating cause it sounds like its his character. I would say talk to him in a polite way and tell him that he needs to polish himself up and be a gentleman. Explain to him that you love him but there are things that are upsetting you. Also, understand that we are not all perfect so tell him that you are ready to help him since it seems like he might need some coaching from you. But he needs to be willing and ready to change more so he needs to accept that his characters are somewhat annoying. You seem to love him so just assist him. You will be doing him and the future family you want to have with him a big favor. Something else, dont feel bad about asking this question. There is nothing wrong you are doing. Good luck han!

I think that since we've started dating he's become more comfortable around me and maybe has let me see more of his bad habits.

Also, we met in college. While I was away at law school I didn't see him much, and I think that maybe his habits got worse and more prominent while I was gone. Before we were dating I never really was in situations with him like I am now, for example eating together in a nice restaurant.

I think you and the others are right, I do need to communicate with him about all of this. It can only help things between us. And if I don't do something about it sooner rather than later it will only be a bigger issue and harder to work on.

Thank you for your support :-)

[alkaline]

Can he imitate voices/accents? I ask that question, because it's not hard to imitate a laugh if you can imitate a voice. Just find ask him to find a laugh you both like and ask him to try to imitate it - it'll be close enough. It probably won't help much if he finds something REALLY funny (since he'll likely lose control and use his real laugh), but it may help for polite laughter.

Chewing - maybe have him eat in front of a mirror?

Good luck,

drop

That is funny that you should ask that...

He is great at imitating voices. Granted, most of the ones he does are from South Park (he does the best Cartman I've ever seen, and his Mr. Hankey is pretty good as well), but he does have a knack for that.

That is really interesting advice that I hadn't thought of. Now I need to start looking for a good laugh!!