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brlinbaby · Oct 23, 2006, 09:33 AM

I've been in a committed relationship for almost 8 months now. I was with one man almost 8 years and when I split with him last year, I "sowed some oats" and then began seeing my current boyfriend. I'm 27 and he's 32. Problem is, I really love him and we're talking marriage in the future, but there is another guy "Nick" that has started wanting to spend time with me and who I heard from a mutual friend of ours, that Nick is in love with me. I really like him too, but don't want to hurt my boyfriend by going out with Nick. I know the sensible thing to do would be to tell my boyfriend that I'd like to see someone else, but I'm worried that he'll hate me and won't ever want to see me again. I don't want to totally break up with him, or be Nick's "booty" buddy, but I would like to hang out with him. I think deep down I know more would come of it if I did go out with Nick. Forgive me for sounding so all over the place, but I am so confused. I know it's selfish of me to want to "hang on" to my boyfriend and also "test the waters" with Nick. I just don't know what to do. I'm scared of being alone if I do go out with Nick and it doesn't work out. I know my boyfriend would not want to go back with me after hurting him like that. If you can understand what I'm trying to say here, can anyone offer me any advice?

Wildcat21 · Oct 23, 2006, 10:02 AM

Oh my god - I've dated women like you. I am sorry - but - If I were your current boyfriend - I'd RUN!

You want your cake ands eat too. Selfish.

You're not ready for anything.

I hope this Nick guy realizes this soon.

YES -you are very selfish!!

Ughhhhhhhhhh -you really know nothing about this Nick guy and you already have these grand plans?? Ha! Nick may be a massive Jerk in relaity.

I feel really bad for your current guy that you even have these thoughts. BREAK UP WITH THE CURRENT GUY - OBVIOSULY YOU DO NOT CARE ONE BIT ABOUT HIM!!

I hope once you say you want to see someone else he drops YOU quickly.

Selfish. Get a clue. I hope your current guy figures this out and runs!

This biggest problem is that 8 year relationship where you never had your wild girl stage. Let me guess - you cheated on your 8 year boyfriend?

valinors_sorrow · Oct 23, 2006, 10:10 AM

It is immature, callous and unrealistic.

If who you are with isn't someone you would die for, keep looking.

If you never find them, settling for less will always buy you this kind of trouble unless you are very very disciplined or better at lying to yourself.

Get real.

brlinbaby · Oct 23, 2006, 10:15 AM

Actually, I did not cheat on my 8 year relationship. I was with him and only him the entire time. He was mentally and physically abusive and I couldn't take it anymore. As for not knowing anything about Nick, I know a lot, we've been friends a really long time but never went any further. I said I knew I was being selfish and I was not looking for an answer to justify the thoughts I've been having. You're right about more details would help I guess. There is more than just the simple thoughts I've been having. My boyfriend has some issues too, but I wasn't trying to talk about all his (our) problems too. Not really problems either, just concerns, that we've discussed and settled. I've never been in a situation where more than person has shown feelings towards me and I guess that's one reason I'm in such a turmoil. I apologize if I sound like some sort of evil person. Either way, I guess now I'm dubbed a bad girlfriend. Guess I should have known not to voice my thoughts.

Wildcat21 · Oct 23, 2006, 10:23 AM

Wow - that another problem you need to figure out - WHY on earth stay a day in abusive relationship.

Personally - with all you've told us - I'd go seek a good counselour. You are massively confused.

Why do woman stay in this relationshisps? Low Selfesteem? He curls her toes when he isn't abusing her?

I think you should end the current relationship and work on yourself. He gives great attention and that's a bad thing? Is it the old "I don't desereve that?"

Wildcat21 · Oct 23, 2006, 10:26 AM

This Nick guy must know you're in a relationship. He's out of bounds as well.

And - you even said you'd cheat on this current guy.

Break with the current guy - PLEASE. All you're going to do is hurt him.

valinors_sorrow · Oct 23, 2006, 10:37 AM

Originally Posted by brlinbaby

Actually, I did not cheat on my 8 year relationship. I was with him and only him the entire time. He was mentally and physically abusive and I couldn't take it anymore. As for not knowing anything about Nick, I know a lot, we've been friends a really long time but never went any further. I said I knew I was being selfish and I was not looking for an answer to justify the thoughts I've been having. You're right about more details would help I guess. There is more than just the simple thoughts I've been having. My boyfriend has some issues too, but I wasn't trying to talk about all his (our) problems too. Not really problems either, just concerns, that we've discussed and settled. I've never been in a situation where more than person has shown feelings towards me and I guess that's one reason I'm in such a turmoil. I apologize if I sound like some sort of evil person. Either way, I guess now I'm dubbed a bad girlfriend. Guess I should have known not to voice my thoughts.

You should voice your thoughts, and allow for a diversity of answers here and take from that what you think is worthwhile.

I don't think of you as "the bad girlfriend" either. I don't think in those terms at all. But you have to admit what you posted comes off as basically a shallow bid for permission to cheat. Did you really expect consensus with that? If you still don't get it -- take a look at another recent thread here about a married man who has developed a desire for another woman and notice the entirely different tone to a very similar problem. Here is the link: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ees-38407.html

Now that I see more detail, I'm with WC, some help from a counselor about your relationship issues would make the kind of changes I think you need to make in order to have a shot at a good, solid, healthy relationship -- which you don't currently have and deserve! I know this can be something of a stretch to see but the problem isn't the 8yr abuser, or your current boyfriend or with Nick -- its with you. Fix that and the problem that caused you to be where you are right now will be solved. I promise.

brlinbaby · Oct 23, 2006, 11:09 AM

Thank you both for your thoughts. I know I have some confusing things to deal with and I appreciate you both taking time to try to voice some assistance. After reading the other thread, I understood a little more about what you were trying to say. I don't want to cheat, and don't plan to, I just needed some clarification on what is going on with me right now. I saw a lot of threads about "breaks" and I guess that's what got me thinking that might be what I needed, but not in the sense that when I break, I would run to someone else. That's not my intention at all. I guess I was thinking seeing someone else (not necessarily sleeping with them) would make me appreciate what I have now. I know I could use some real professional guidance, just knowing I need to do it and actually doing it are so different and kind of intimidating.

Wildcat21 · Oct 23, 2006, 11:14 AM

Well - good - I think your current thoughts then are that you need a break fro mthe current guy. Sounds like somehting must be missing big time.

If you read your original post you come across as very selfish - plan to cheat.

You did not mention the abuse I nthe 8 year relationship. That's huge and something you need to go to a counselour for.

valinors_sorrow · Oct 23, 2006, 11:30 AM

You are welcome and I am sorry if we came across as sharp. If it helps, I only recommend professional help as freely as I do because I have sought it myself, off and on. I attribute it to saving my life and making it possible for me to be happy. Additionally, I came really close to being stuck in the battered spouse syndrome and I know too well the dynamics of that terrible trap. Please allow me to reassure you that initially visiting with a counselor is no more intimidating than going to the OB/GYN LOL and over time can kind of grow on you too, unlike the OB/GYN LOL

If you do decide to seek help, I can offer what I think are some good tips about it, okay?

talaniman · Oct 23, 2006, 04:32 PM

There is no doubt you need to work on yourself because anyone in a committed relationship knows that everyone else is out of bounds. In my opinion 8 months is barely past the dating phase and you may say the words but there is a lot of learning to do with this person. Handling your own issues will remove the confusion and get you to the point where you will know how to handle a situation better. It may even make you less defensive about the truth as we see it. To have a healthy relationship the two of you have to be healthy enough to grow and work together. Get help if you must. YES you must. PLEASE

anuoluwapo · Oct 23, 2006, 04:51 PM

Originally Posted by brlinbaby

I've been in a committed relationship for almost 8 months now. I was with one man almost 8 years and when I split with him last year, I "sowed some oats" and then began seeing my current boyfriend. I'm 27 and he's 32. Problem is, I really love him and we're talking marriage in the future, but there is another guy "Nick" that has started wanting to spend time with me and who I heard from a mutual friend of ours, that Nick is in love with me. I really like him too, but don't want to hurt my boyfriend by going out with Nick. I know the sensible thing to do would be to tell my boyfriend that I'd like to see someone else, but I'm worried that he'll hate me and wont ever want to see me again. I don't want to totally break up with him, or be Nick's "booty" buddy, but I would like to hang out with him. I think deep down I know more would come of it if I did go out with Nick. Forgive me for sounding so all over the place, but I am so confused. I know it's selfish of me to want to "hang on" to my boyfriend and also "test the waters" with Nick. I just don't know what to do. I'm scared of being alone if I do go out with Nick and it doesn't work out. I know my boyfriend would not want to go back with me after hurting him like that. If you can understand what I'm trying to say here, can anyone offer me any advice?

Wow.. this is a tough one.. first of all I think you should deal with any personal issues you may have because that's the only way you can have a successful relationship.also if you are thinking about being with someone else,you are not at all ready to get married.I know it will be hard but you can not keep holding on to both of them.you know who you want,you are scared to take the risk involved in losing the other.if you do pick nick please take it slow,nothing ruins a relationship like sex ait,wait until you say I do! think long and hard about what you need in your life in the longterm and if your boyfriend gives you that.

s_cianci · Oct 23, 2006, 06:39 PM

How serious and committed are you to your boyfriend? Have you already promised to see your boyfriend exclusively? If not then there's no reason why you can't go out with Nick. It's true that your boyfriend might not like it and you might lose him and that's a chance you're going to have to take. On the other hand, if you seem so sure that you'd lose your boyfriend if you went out with Nick and you feel that it's the wrong thing to do, then maybe it is and you ought not to do it. If you feel that it comes down to choosing one over the other, then make your choice. There's really no right or wrong answer to this situation, at least not based on the information you've given here.