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singer53 · Apr 18, 2007, 12:50 PM

My divorce was 3 years ago. He has been out of the house for 4 years. He is now pressuring me to move back in. I feel bad for him, but he won't find his own place to live. I want to get rid of my feelings of guilt for kicking him out. I don't know what's happening to me. I'm frustrated and confused. Is there a way to get my peace back without letting him move in?

grammadidi · Apr 18, 2007, 01:01 PM

If you don't love him and you let him move in you are not helping him at all! You continue to have guilt because you continue to give him hope by maintaining contact with him. You must end all contact if possible, or, if there must be contact due to children, then limit the extent of your conversations to being about the children.

You must let go completely or the guilt (and the reasons for it) will continue.

Good luck!

Didi

Emland · Apr 18, 2007, 01:05 PM

Didi makes sense. If you don't have children together tell him to go away and the reason you got divorced is because you don't want to live with him anymore. (If you do have kids just use more tact and don't say it in front of them.)

ordinaryguy · Apr 18, 2007, 04:44 PM

He just lives 11 miles away and comes back to take things when he needs something. He hasn't taken any of his things.

Serriously?! It's been four years since he moved out, three years since the divorce, and he STILL hasn't moved his stuff out? I hate to say it, but a big part of this is on you. He may be a master at playing on your guilt, but after this long, if you continue to let him do it, it's on you. You're doing both him and yourself a disservice to let this drag on. Cut him off. He needs to grow up and get a life, as do you. Enough already.

talaniman · Apr 18, 2007, 08:01 PM

Enough is enough. Tell him to ge his stuff and get out of your life. Just that simple and stick to your guns.

Emland · Apr 19, 2007, 05:20 AM

singer53 agrees: Thank you. There are no kids. He just lives 11 miles away and comes back to take things when he needs something. He hasn't taken any of his things.

Get some big boxes and put his stuff on the curb so he can't miss it. You aren't AAAA Storage! He is using you - don't let him.

vlee · Apr 19, 2007, 06:19 AM

I agree with the above... you need to box up his things and tell him he has until trash day to get them. If he doesn't show, pitch them all. After that, don't take his calls, don't call him, and don't let him in if he shows up at your doorstep. Cut off all contact.

scorpio124 · Apr 21, 2007, 11:43 PM

Hopefully, this will help with your guilt. First, ask yourself why did you kick his... out in the first place... secondly, where did he live for the four years that he was gone... what are his reasons for pressuring you for a place to live.. is he a parasite... did he live with another woman that became tired as hell of being sucked dry? Do this.. take out a sheet of paper and draw a solid line down the middle. Now write down the advantages and disadvantages of taking him back. Remember, there is no price for a peaceful mind... by the way let me know what you decided to do. Drop the zero and find a hero. After all, you have made it too far to look back now , girlfriend!

dherman1 · Apr 22, 2007, 09:22 AM

I am astounded by this comment:

"He just lives 11 miles away and comes back to take things when he needs something"

Does this mean that he still has keys to the house? WHY!! The first thing that I have done for my friends going through a divorce was to go and change their locks. And the code on the garage door. And any other way that would allow the other party access to their house. Because it now IS their house. NOT his and hers.

Regardless, tell him good bye. You need to get on with your life and it is time for him to do so.

Change your phone #'s if you have to. Or have his numbers blocked from your phone.

Good luck.

Fr_Chuck · Apr 22, 2007, 09:49 AM

Well what you do, is tell him he has 30 days to get all of his stuff or you are moving it to the curb ( and do it)

You change any and all locks and don't let him come back after anything.
And tell him if he keeps coming back you will get a retraining order against him.

You will ( and he will) never move on if you keep seeing and talking together. You need to get away from him and move on,
You are as much of the problem as he is, you are not wanting to move on, by keeping his stuff, Most women would have had his stuff in the trash the day after theywere kicked out.

singer53 · Apr 29, 2007, 07:00 PM

Well, I brought him his papers and such. I'll get rid of his clothes some other way. I told him that he was not to come over any more. This was today. After that, he tried to call me three times on the phone. I shut the answer machine off and wouldn't answer the phone after the first time. The first call I told him good by. Then he came over twice. Both times I told him I didn't want anything to do with him and I didn't believe him anymore. I said I didn't want to talk Bible with him anymore and if the neighbors thought he was so right that he could move in with them.
I knew that would happen. I think that I will have to move away for awhile in order to get him to leave me alone. A restraining order won't do any good because I am 45 minutes away from the sheriff's office. Thanks for all your answers everyone. The comments made a difference.

singer53 · May 1, 2007, 11:05 AM

Just a note... One of the times he was here, he took my white kitten. He won't even admit to it, but the last time I saw it was when it climbed into the back of his pickup when he was trying to convince me that we were married. He looked down at it and I saw him reach for it. I thought he was going to pick it up and put it on the ground. I was so upset at what he was saying that when I thought he was taking it out of the pickup, I turned around and went into the house. About a minute after he left, I went to look for the kitten. It was gone. A chill went through me. I knew then that he took it. But I just let him go. I didn't go after him to get it back. I couldn't face him again. About half an hour later, I drove the road to see if he threw it out. I haven't seen it since. It's all just way too creepy!

grammadidi · May 1, 2007, 02:01 PM

Even though the sheriff's office is so far away, I wonder if this guy might be a little dangerous? If you have any qualms about your safety, please get a restraining order anyway. If he'd take that kitten like that and be so controlling as to keep pressuring you this many years later... just be careful, sweetie, okay?

You really are doing the right thing, and I am so proud of you for finally putting yourself first.

Hugs, Didi