[sadmom]

This has bee a horrible year! I thought that I got through the worst, but today I want to give up.
I have an adult daughter. We were always so close, in fact, we were best friends.
She was engaged.In June they broke the engagement, over the phone, due to a fight about where they would live. He lives in Florida and she lives in MA. She told him her family meant too much to her.
That same week we were having our house painted. He was either married or divorced with a son. To make a long story short, she flipped her lid, told me that she hated me and took off to live with the looser painter guy.
For months I didn't hear from her. At the beginning of this month, she left me a note and said that she wanted to be close again. We talked and I told her how hurt I was. All month she has called me about twice a day.
Oh, I almost forgot to add that she drives a new BMW which I pay for. I also pay the insurance. When she left, she drove off in the car. Oh, and I don't even KNOW where she lives. It's been 7 months and yes folks, I don't even know where she lives. Even bad parents know where their kids live!! @!
So anyway, here I am satisfied with the obligatory phone calls. Oh, she has come to visit 3 times. Once because I bought her some face creams and she wanted to get them. The other 2 times she wanted me to color her hair. All 3 times she left as soon as she got what she wanted.
She is a school teacher, and also teaches dance. Today she started her 3rd job working for her dad. So she worked today in the town where I live, not a 1/2 mile from me. She called me on her way home (wherever that is!)
So, why am I in tears? Why do I just want her out of my life so I can stop hurting? Because I honestly expected her to stop by and see her mother. I guess she didn't because she didn't need or want anything!
This brings back old hurts, and I just want it all to go away! My parents live 2 hours away. I see them when I'm invited to their house on holidays. I can remember how hurt I felt when they called me to tell me that they had just come from visiting my sister's grave. My sister's grave is also in the town where I live, 2 minutes from me. They drove to visit my sister's grave, but didn't visit me.
I felt that same hurt today.
The scumbag that my daughter lives with took advantage of her when she was hurt and confused. She works 3 jobs and he never works!! She had her school vacation this week and I could here him and his kid in the background whenever she called. I know he's a rebound guy, and she's screwed up, but I guess my hurt makes me not care what happens. I feel used and I never deserved any of this from her of all people.
No, I didn't tell her this, because I'm sick of being told how bad and wrong I am. I hate the person she has become and I don't want any more of the hurt. I wish she'd just go away.
I look forward to suggestions, but please don't be too hard on me, I'm truly broken.
sadmom

[fredg]

Hi,
Your question is very saddening to read.
I do wish you the very best.
One thing to remember is that you have done all you can... it's now up to her.
She isn't your problem, and her problems aren't yours. She is the one to straighten out her life, not you. It would be great if she would ask for your help, but sounds like she won't.
I suggest going to a County or some type of Help Group in your area to talk about this.
Life can be happy, just one day at a time. Look in the phone book for a help group, or maybe free counseling on how to accept what is happening, or anything else that talking about it will help.
If you could move away to another part of the state, it would get you away from the problems.
I do wish you the very best, and "hang in there", the best is yet to come!
Best wishes,
fredg

[FairyWings]

Hello,

Please bear with me while I give you my sob story, I'll tell you what I did about my situation.

I have not been through nearly as much as you have, but I can kind of relate. When I was 21, my mother left my father, she suddenly wanted to confide in me like she would a girlfriend. Giving me explicit details of men she had been with and talking about how horrible my dad and grandfather had been to her, etc. When I finally told her I didn't want to hear all that, she went off! Informed me of what a burden me and my sister had been, how she never had a life of her own, that I was selfish and didn't love HER, etc. This from a mother who used to tell us that no mother could love her child more than she loved us and that we were her world.. . blah blah blah

A few years later after my children were born, I would take my them around her, she would act annoyed if I had to attend to them and not give her full attention. She moved 3 hours away to take a job. I found out on several occasions that she had come to town to meet up with someone, but never bothered to even try to get together with us. What kind of mother drives 3 hours, is within 5 miles of her daughter and grandchildrens home and doesn't at least call to meet for lunch? I guess you know how that feels.

I was constantly mad, crying, or worrying about my children feeling unloved by her, and stewing over past arguments.

Then one day, out of the blue, it hit me:


1. My kids didn't really know her and therefore didn't miss her.

2. She was either not giving me a second thought or was delighted in the fact that I was upset.

3. I was the only one obsessing about it and I would never be able to fix it.

That's when during an unusual peaceful time, with out extreme emotion, I said to myself and fully decided to let it go.

I silently forgave her for what had hurt me in the past and decided I would never allow her to do it again.

Now, I only talk to her about once every 4 months if she leaves me a message and I choose to call her back. (I ALWAYS let the machine pick up when I see on caller ID that I's her so that I am in control of when I interact with her. I do not offer to bring my children around. She has not seen nor talked them in over a year. When I do talk to her, if she starts to talk about inappropriate subjects, I tell her I have another call and will call her back... and then I don't.

She will be the one to sit when she is old without a soul to care whether she is lonely. My children (11 and 7 years old) are her only grandchildren and have only seen her maybe 10 times in the last 10 years. They don't know her and have no emotional ties to her.

My point is... You can't change what has happened, but you can decided to wipe the slate clean and decide how you will allow people to treat you from this point on. Inform your daughter that you are no longer able to pay for her car and either sign it over to her if it is in her name, or ask her when you can get together to trade it for something she can afford then stop sending money. You have to do what is best for YOU.

We only get one chance to have a happy life on this earth, don't waste a minute on unnecessary pain.

Good luck, GOD BLESS!

FW

[fredg]

Hi,
After reading the other expert's answer, it is very, very good.
I agree 100% with it... wish I had said that!
It is your life, not your daughter's... only you can choose what to do with your life.
And, take back the car, stop paying everything for her. Let her make her own way. You are only adding to her dependence on you. Stop being an "enabler", which is someone who helps enable others to continue doing what they are doing, when they themselves, needs changing.
Best of luck,
fredg

[dragnflyangell]

POWER, DON"T GIVE HER ANY! My father is the same way but he lives in Arkansas and I live in Oregon and every time he comes down to see my sister who lives an hour from me he never comes and sees me or even calls to tell me he is close. I have stopped picking at that scab and it is finally healing, but it does take some time. It is nice to know that Im not the only one out there. Good luck and you are in my prayers

[mike145k]

Don't listen to them your child is a gift from god and we as parents have a bond with our children that goes beyond the mistakes they make ,love her and show her compassion,and she will react to you but you have to change she has been molded by you and what you allowed in her life as a child some times we wait to long to love our children in the way that is best for them don't give up.and pray to our god for he is real have faith.a family with out god will never have true happyness that is your answer.

[FairyWings]

So at what point do you think a parent or adult child should be accountable for their own actions? "Sadmom" seems to have bent over backwards to help a daughter who is not grateful or even considerate to her mothers feelings. What happened to "Honor Thy Mother and Thy Father?" I don't mean this sarcasticlly, just curious as to why "mom" should be held responsible for an adult child? She is not a pure result of her up-bringing; she has had life experinces of her own to learn from. College, marrige, children, etc... You could say that perhaps she was neglected or abused as a child, but if that were the case, it sure doesn't bother her when she drives that BMW or needs her hair done.

(So not to be called a hipocrit (sp?), in my situation, I do "honor" in the sense that I am kind to my mother when we talk and rare occasions we are together. "Honor" doesn't mean allow them to emotionally abuse you.)

FW

[sadmom]

Thank you very much for responding.
Although nothing has changed as far as my daughter, I have changed. I'm not sure if for the better, but I don't hurt as much as I did.
I think that my heart has turned cold. The only way not to hurt, is to not care.
I loved and liked my daughter more than anything in this world. I, in fact, idolized her. She brought me joy.
After this past year, I don't feel the same way about her. I think that I love her, but I don't like her. I am always pleasant to her, and we seem to have a superficial relationship.
She works 3 jobs, and the painter doesn't work. She support him and his kid. She has no life. She teaches school during the day, then she goes to the dance studio (5 miles from where I live) and then she comes to the town where we live to work in her dad's showroom. It is less than a mile from our house. She has to PASS our house to get home! She works aat the showroom on Saturdays until 1 PM.
She makes the obligatory holiday visit. (I never knew what chew and screw meant before this!) She has given me expensive presents for Christmas and Mother's Day.
Please don't think that is a good thing. I grew up that way. My parents were millionaires. I always got expensive gifts in the mail from wherever they were on holiday. I don't need or want things. My husband and I have good jobs and can buy things for ourselves. From the time my kids were babies, I'd always tell them that the only gift I ever wanted or needed was them. For Christmas, Mother's day, birthday, I'd tell them that all that I wanted was to be with them, that's what I loved the most. When my daughter was in college, I heard her tell people that. She'd proudly tell people that her mother only wanted to be with her family, that was the most precious gift of all.
I guess nothing lasts forever. I was so lucky to have such a wonderful. Loving daughter for 26 years 9 months... until the paiter. One good thing,though... for months people would give me advice. Tell me that I had to accept the painter. I knew in my heart that they were wrong, but I always wondered if it was me. Now, I am 100% sure it wasn't me. I was totally right about the scum. I won't accept him because he is BAD. I wouldn't buy drugs for a junkie or alcohol for an alcoholic, and I love my daughter too much to accept the evil scum. What she does is her mistake to make, but I won't be part of it. Apparently, she never cared about me, because of the way she has treated me this past year.
Sure it husts that she doesn't visit, but I refuse to tell her how much it hurts again. I've been there, done that. I thought she cared, but she still doesn't so I'm the fool!
She hurt me sooooooo much last year on my birthday. I cried and begged her not to go off with the painter that she had just met, I cried and begged her to spend my birthday with me. I was an a$$! She didn't care, and now I don't. Oh, her new thing is coming around on holidays and birthdays. Call me an immature b!tch, but there is no way on God's green earth I will let her hurt me so she can feel better about herself. I don't care if I go sit on the beach by myself for 24 hours! I refuse to be around so she can deliver some expensive gift and make her obligatory 5 minute visit. She does that for HER.
By the way, I told her that it hurt my feelings that she only came by for me to do her hair, and she stopped coming by that once a month.
I still pay for the beemer and insurance. The lease is up in February, and she will have to turn it in. I decided not to take on that fight, because I could afford it, and I I'm tired of fighting and hurting.
Your feedback and comments are very welcome. Thanks!
sadmom

[fredg]

Hi,
I still believe the best thing for your daughter, in the long run, is to "cut her off" from all money from you.
Sooner or later, she must learn to "stand on her own feet". You are not helping any by prolonging this.
Eventually, she may come to love you for it.
Best of luck,
fredg