[4answers]

You have now done no contact, You are no longer in the needy, desperate unatractive stage, no longer hounding, harassing or stalking your ex. So you are no longer pushing them away. Now you need to REBUILD the relationship if not to late.


ATTITUDE – Get an attitude adjustment first. Lighten up and do a 180-degree about face. Read the Sunday comics, grab an old comic book, turn on the Comedy channel, watch funny videos or DVDs. Get in a better mood and pass it along to your mate. Invite your mate to tune in to comedy with you, too.

2. FRIENDSHIP – Go back to being friends for starters now that you’re in a good mood. Forget the love stuff, if you want. And just focus on being good friends; share compliments, do things for one another, go out and have fun together, enjoy one another’s company.

3. RELAX – Let your hair down. Trust and relax. Be yourself. Don’t let old wounds open or fester. Forget the garbage memories and just be in the here and now together.

4. TIME OUT – If possible, spend extra time together for awhile, like during your original courting days. Hire a sitter, order out, eat at fast food places, grab ice cream cones and go for walks in the park. Get to know each other all over again. That’s the key. Then you’ll remember why you fell for each other in the beginning and history will hopefully repeat itself.

5. COMMUNICATION – Take it slow and easy. Keep away from subjects that you don’t agree upon. And slowly re-learn to communicate with each other all over again. If necessary, and it’s not a crime or shame – get help. Seek a trusted friend or adviser, a church clergy member or certified professional counselor. No need to go it alone. Find your weak areas and how to over come them and plan for future communication difficulties.

6. GOALS – Gradually develop goals together so you’ll have a direction to head. Write them down in a notebook just for the two of you. And over time, develop them, revise them, cross them off your list. The idea is to HAVE goals together and work towards a common goal.

7. SCRAP BOOK – Create a memory album together. Add photos, clippings, menus and anything that reminds you of the “good times.” Then when tough times comes, you’ll have something to “hold on to” – your bridge to romance.

So don’t just sit back and sulk. Take short steps to improve your relationships and let life’s problems magically pass by while you hold on to your relationship

[4answers]

Acknoledgement of others.


For all those who recognise parts of this thread. I am trying to provide from the help and advice of others a single direction and answers for everyone.

The information provided here has been taken from the very wise experts on here, who have helped me in my time of need.

Thank you all
4answers.

PS. If anything can be added to make these more appropriate please do so. Lets help others as they have helped us.

[rol]

Yes I think that sounds good... after the months of no contact of course...

[rol]

So has anyone tried all this??

Or does everyone just run onto another relationship without trying to work out the old one??

[NeedKarma]

so has anyone tried all this???

or does everyone just run onto another relationship without trying to work out the old one??????????????

I'm married now but when a girlfriend and I broke up that was it for me, no trying to get back together, no reminiscing, etc. Basically I'm of the feeling that if it's not mutual then what's the point. I'd stay single for a while, enjoy myself and something always came along. No drama required.

[NJCUTIE77]

I think that reconciling might also depend on how deep the relationship was... I mean if it was a few months or maybe ayear with a lot of fighting, then what's the point and why would you miss that... If it were a long time with a lot invested and a deep relationship, then I would see why to reconcile... I have never done this, but I'm hoping it will work for me now.

[valinors_sorrow]

so has anyone tried all this???

or does everyone just run onto another relationship without trying to work out the old one??????????????

Rol -
I successfully worked out the old one Rol but with different circumstances and actions involved. It was a separation instead of a break and the efforts involved were considerably more substantinal and directed at relationship issues than the generalized ones listed here. The information here seems like something out of a magazine from the 70's. I think we know so much more these days and aren't taken in so easily. As Dr Phil would say, how's this working for you? "Take short steps to improve your relationships and let life's problems magically pass by while you hold on to your relationship." You can certainly try this but I just don't think it will work since its generalized to the point of ineffective. Its not based in reality since it contends that you still have a relationship, its not identifying the specific problems (and they do vary), and not concrete enough in its plan for change. It would be better suited for dating advise-- now there is a lost art! But you are on to the real test of it Rol. Stuff that comes out of books and magazines is only useful if it holds up in the real world.

4answers -
Its only fair that the original author/source be given credit for any cut & pasted material. Hopefully who posted it here to begin with can tell us who that is?

[NJCUTIE77]

HAHA.. I don't know if Dr. Phil is always the right person for advice!

[rol]

<<It was a separation instead of a break and the efforts involved were considerably more substantinal and directed at relationship issues than the generalized ones listed here.>>

Exactly those issues are fundamental befiore getting back together again..

So in my case after he dropped the bombshell in May that he needed time to think and that he we could start over again from scratch eventually, and that it was not a breakup and not a short break, that he needed to reinvent his life .I did this above approach.

As I was trying to be understanding I didn't badger him with any question when we would get together,

So we would meet and have a great time laughing and having fun.

He rang and we met every month or so.

In August (the day after our 'supposed wedding') we spent the whole day together and night. He was the one who made the moves and as I thought we were getting back together(big mistake I didn't ask any questions!! )

Then we had arranged to got to a concert a few days after and when we met he was distant again so then I kind of flared up and told him OK I need space now and he said no no.

Then his mother came and we all went out for dinner like nothing had happened!

(im wondering how I was so patient actually now looking back!! )

And then in October the last time we talked he would also have made some moves but I had to talk and ask finally what we were doing...

So the approach could work if you are very strong... and depending a lot on the situation.

And my question is also will I eventually go back to doing that again now that I know where exactly where I stand and when I get fully whole again and discussing the deep issues as Val said..

And I really wish I had found this website in May instead of October.

[4answers]

<<
i really wish i had found this website in May instead of October.

Here here

[valinors_sorrow]

HAHA.. I don't know if Dr. Phil is always the right person for advice!

Look, did I say he was? No. You missed the point. I simply questioned (using Dr Phil's way of questioning) how well the suggestion that was offered was going to work. It is a valid thing to question, is it not? What constructive thing did you mean with your confused and confusing remark here?

And Rol, we have talked some about what happened in your relationship and I thought where we left it, you identified some very specific problems on your side of the equation. Sidetrack into this all you like, if that's what you are doing (I am not really sure what you are doing LOL) but it won't change the problems that you identified nor will it solve them. So what is your question to me here?

[rol]

My question is .
Do you think that if I get my issues together and try and uncover why I helped to create a dependent relationship... and if he reinvents himself and gets back to being independent also that we could go back to talking and try and work things out really communicating properly and trying to understand together what happened? Could this be fixed ?

And if I had come here in May what advice would you have offered? Would it be the above?

[BlazingCold]

my question is .
Do you think that if i get my issues together and try and uncover why i helped to create a dependent relationship...and if he reinvents himself and gets back to being independent also that we could go back to talking and try and work things out really communicating properly and trying to understand together what happened? could this be fixed ?

and if i had come here in May what advice would you have offered? would it be the above?

I'm sure it's possible. But after you've been through so much and made so many positive changes to yourself, the real question becomes will you want to?

[JDOP]

I don't think it is impossible to get together again with a lost love. The catch in it though is that you whould WANT to get back together. You shouldn't plan it, as that is the same thing as wanting it. If the thread above is interpreted as a "strategy" to win your ex back then you better hold on to the NC thing for a few more months. But, in fact, if you will get back together, it will occur in that way.
Actually I have a great example for this. A friend of mine (female) dumped her boyfriend of 3 years when she was 18 yrs old. Basically because she was going to college and wanted to enjoy life while she was young. There were some other issues too but this was the main one. This guy was obviously heartbroken, he begged, he cried, he called all the time etc. All in vain. However, even though she didn't want him back, the girl never stopped "loving" him and they maintained close contact. Off course the consequences of being friends while one of the partners want to be more than a friend results in even more heartbreak. When she would have a relationship with another man, this guy would always give her a hard time because he couldn't let it go. Eventually, it came to a point when my friend was sort of "disgusted" by her ex's needy behaviour and at that point, she thought it was over for good. Sooo, 5 (!) years later, this guy finally pulls himself together and gets over it.He has a new long-term girlfriend and is just doing fine. Now here it comes: when my friend saw that her ex was suddenly over her and doing fine, she suddenly realized that he had "changed". She did everything that was in her pwer to get him back again, which wasn't really easy and it didn't work out too. I'm just giving this example to say that everything is possible. But you shouldn't worry about it so much. "Do not worry about things falling into place, where they fall, is the right place"

[4answers]

I don't think it is impossible to get together again with a lost love. The catch in it though is that you whould WANT to get back together. You shouldn't plan it, as that is the same thing as wanting it. If the thread above is interpreted as a "strategy" to win your ex back then you better hold on to the NC thing for a few more months. But, in fact, if you will get back together, it will occur in that way.
"

No contact does allow you to emotionaly withdraw and gain control of your emotions and if done long enouth the feelings will diminish as other higher value things enter you life, i.e. time is a great healer.

But here is a thought: If you were originally attracted to the person enough to want to go out with them, then you displayed this in your interactions with them.

If you parted because of something other than the loss of these feelings. Then no contact will get you over the desperation and neediness back to where you started. i.e. you are still attracted to the person.

So start again, without the mistake / issues of the past.

( Is it really right to kill of your feelings for someone if the relationship did not end due to lack of feelings ? ).

[NJCUTIE77]

And what if the relationship ends due to someone outside having influence and ending it... the stress is too much and therefore the ex needed the break?

[valinors_sorrow]

my question is .
Do you think that if i get my issues together and try and uncover why i helped to create a dependent relationship...and if he reinvents himself and gets back to being independent also that we could go back to talking and try and work things out really communicating properly and trying to understand together what happened? could this be fixed ?

and if i had come here in May what advice would you have offered? would it be the above?

I think those issues are best handled while there still IS a relationship and with the guidance of a professional counselor. And even then its hard and it doesn't always work out. To ask this of you two after its over and without professional help seems to me like you are asking "the man with the broken legs to run the 100 yard dash" -- its almost an unkind thing to say to you "go for it" to me. You have a big desire to be hopeful here and while you have that desire you are probably not seeing things so clearly. The odds of each of you successfully and independently fixing yourselves and then finding each other and there being a new spark that equals or surpasses the old one seems so astronomical to me -- which is why I would LOVE to hear from someone who experienced that. I would have LOTS of eager questions.

Had you come here in May, I probably would have employed the same process I did now, found the same problems and recognising how big they are, suggested seeing a counselor together. We do that all the time here because it's the best answer. LOL

[Geoffersonairplane]

and i really wish i had found this website in May instead of October.

You an me both rol, except me in September instead of the end of October... Never mind, I found it now and I even found Mr Miagi's wise wife to point me in the right direction... LOL

[Geoffersonairplane]

I'm sure it's possible. But after you've been through so much and made so many positive changes to yourself, the real question becomes will you want to?

Also rol, if you subsequently discover that nothing has really changed on his part, you may find that you don't really want to sort it all out. Someone could then end up getting hurt again and his feeling count as yours do..

I know you know this rol but just pointing it out...

[Geoffersonairplane]

Here's one 4answers,

Can lack of feelings or undertainty about how the dumper feels reignite feelings once the dumper has gone fishing and realised that the one they left behind was actually good for them?

I think I speak from my perspective of what happened to me. I still don't think it would work out anyway, even if she did learn that... Damage done..

Anyway, what do you think?