[spion_kop]

All right, before I start let me just say that I have been dating this girl for 3 years, ever since we graduated from high school.

Background info: We met in high school, I really never knew her up until my senior year. We're both the same age and she sat beside me in class because she taught I was the smartest one there and that I would help her. Well as time passed by we got closer and hung out. I was interested in someone else but for some reason felt comfortable around her. So what happened was that I bailed on the girl I was suppose to go to prom with and she bailed on the guy that she was suppose to go prom with and we ended up going together. BUT we weren't officially a couple because we hadn't kissed or done anything physical like that before.
The day before our graduation, I finally asked her out and she accepted. Of course we had the dream honeymoon stage for the entire summer and we went to two different universities but there were both in the same city so it wasn't too bad. I however, lived half an hour away from her but it didn't matter because I use to drive all the time to see her.
Like any relationship we had problems but we always solved them and became stronger. We use to always do cute things for each other whether small or big. Also during our three years together, we never had sex because we're catholics and wanted to wait till marriage/engagement. So after two years of being together, one of my friends from school who is a girl starts hitting on me but I didn't make too much of it. I have to confess that I use to talk to this girl a lot about our problems because she recently broke up with her boyfriend and I wanted to make sure that I didn't experience the same problems with my girlfriend. Well, my girlfriend wasn't too happy about it and she said that I liked this other girl, who I must say was very good looking, but I had no feelings for her, she was just a really good friend.
Well my girlfriend said that she lost trust in me and that it would take a long time for me to build it back up. So in the last year, I regained her trust because I did whatever I could to make sure that I did. She even said to me that she trusted me

The Problem: She always use to say to me that she felt that we would break up one day and get back together in the future, since we both haven't experienced the single life and others. Her friend had started dating again after 1 1/2 years of ending her previous relationship and my girlfriend use to always tell me about she misses being single. I didn't make too much out of it because she said that she would never trade me for anything in the world.
Continuing on, she got a new job last September. There was this co worker of hers who use to ALWAYS, and I mean ALWAYS hit on her. He use to 1) drive her home everyday from work, I use to live half an hour away and also be in class most of the time. 2) He use to always take her out to lunch and she use to tell me that she is going out to lunch with him but I didn't make too much out of it because I trusted her. 3) there use to be songs playing on the radio and he use to tell her that it reminded him of her. 4) he use to continuously text her even when he knew that she has a boyfriend of long term. 5) He use to always buy her little things at work (because she took a year off from university to work for a year to pay for tuition) so they saw each other everyday.
I use to see her only on the weekends because Im trying to get into Med School so I take my schooling seriously. I use to always call her and she use to always call me and things were going wonderful.
THEN, she plans a trip to Cuba with her bestfriends, he wasn't one of them, and the day of their trip, there was a huge snow storm and I had promised her that I would drive her to the airport. I told her that I wanted to drive her but the road conditions were terrible. I sucked it up and it took me about 1 1/2 hour to reach her house. That is when I got pissed because I could have been hurt but she didn't care. So when I dropped her at the airport, I didn't get out of the car to say goodbye, I just drove off. She was crying and she said that this was the worst possible thing that could happen to her because anything could have happened while I was going home or when she left. That was the point where we hit rock bottom. I prayed day and night for things to get better. She did too because she told me but she told me that she had signs that made her believe that this wouldn't last much longer.
So when she came back we fixed things and started again from scratch to rebuild the trust that she lost for me. We spent New Years together by ourselves and had great times up until my birthday. Once again it snowed like crazy and we had plans, she decided to pick me up from the subway station and take me out for dinner but it took me about 3 hours to reach her and hwe had dinner at 12 at night. I blamed her for ruining my birthday because I was angry, but later in the night I came to my senses and I told her I was sorry when I saw her crying. I stayed over at her house because there was no way I could let her drive me home.

The breakup: Last month I found out that she was being very distant and spending more time with her coworker. He picked up the pace and started flirting with her more and more. I saw her two days before our breakup and things were great. She said that she loved being in my arms and never wanted to leave. Two days later I was thinking to myself and I realized that she has been really distant from me in these last couple of weeks, so I confronted her. She told me that she didn't feel the same way about me anymore but still loved me. She wasn't in love with me and that this was the hardest thing to do because I was an amazing person and didn't want to let me go. She asked me what she should do, and being the person that I am, I told her to follow her heart and if it says to not be with me then so be it. She said that she couldn't imagine why she didn't love me because I was perfect and wonderful. She said she wanted her space and was confused. I told her that it's fine and that even though I'm crushed and heart broken, I will always be here for her and that I have hope in my heart that we may get back together. She said to not have hope but I told her that I will. She told me all this the week before my exams. Two days before this talk she said all those wonderful things about loving me, being with my forever and loved being in my arms.

POST BREAKUP: I find out two days after our break up that she invited her co worker over and that they made out for 2 hrs that night and he slept over/no sex. I called her at her work saying "you're a liar, a scum, a cheater, and i'll see you at 5 on friday". That was it, she called in sick both those days because she felt sick to her stomach of what she did to me because she knows how wonderful I am etc. When I talk to her, I don't yell nor scream, but I rip her into shreds. She tries to make excuses but I don't believe it and I told her that karma will bite her back for what she did. To make me feel better she said that I'm a much better kisser then her.
Now I'm still acting based on my emotions so the day after I was in town hanging out with my friends and I pass by her house and see his car and I call her. After that I realized that she was emotionally cheating on me with this guy. She only got physical with him after our breakup.
I went no contact with her but left the lines of communication open. I never initated conversation and realized that it was her loss but my gain. I realized even when I poured my heart and solve into this relationship, she always wanted more more more. I thought to myself that I better focus on me and do what I want in life. So I started to go to the gym again, focused on my exams, and started flirting with other women without dating. I knew that I wasn't over my ex and I wanted to be single.
So she has been spending a lot of time with her co worker and I find out that a couple of days ago that they are finally a couple. That actually gave me the closure I wanted. I felt happy inside myself because I realized the kind of person that she is and also the kind of girl I shouldn't be looking for.
She even had the nerve to call me and ask me to make a list for this guy on all her bad points so that he realize the kind of person that she is. I told her that a relationship is like an expedition where you discover each other in a step like manner. I realized that she kicked me while I was down and I got back up and dusted myself, kepy my chin up and smiled. I became extremely confident because I knew I could do better.

She also said that that her boyfriend doesn't do the little things that I consistently did for her and that he had big boots to fill. She said that she will never find a guy who cared and loved for her the way she did and that she was stupid for letting me go. She said that in the future she may realize that she does love me and what she has lost but right now she doesn't know.

Now my question is: 1) what in the world is she thinking by saying all these things about how I was perfect and in the future we may get back together. 2) says that her boyfriend could never be as good as me, is she trying to string my along? 3) She got jealous because she knows that I have a lot of girlfriend's who I talk to but yet doesn't understand why I am not jealous of her boyfriend bur rather am very happy for her because her happiness is what I wanted. Is she jealous because she doesn't want me to move on or she still hasn't moved on yet?

This was long but thanks for whoever who read this

[N0help4u]

1. Her wishful thinking or trying to ease your hurt.
2. trying to ease your hurt.
3. IF I can't have you (or don't want you at the moment) nobody else can either.

I wouldn't even worry about it.
Let her go on. She felt like she was missing out on something... now she has whatever it was she thought she was missing. She made her bed... move on and let her go.

[JBeaucaire]

Um, I think the real question for you should be: "When will I stop overanalyzing my ex-girlfriend's life?"

All the story is appreciated, and often helpful. But in your case, that story is actually indicative of the real problem. You are absolutely obsessing over your ex. It's understandable, don't get me wrong, I just want you to realize the real issue here.

The truths from your story are relatively simple:

• You both loved each other dearly
• You weren't emotionally compatible, in spite of your feelings
• Your temperments were incompatible, in spite of your feelings
• You broke up for dishonest reasons, never admitting the real problem is you just weren't compatible overall, you only broke up over heated issues...issues that were at best symptoms.
• Once broken up, your opposing temperments kept you in contact further adding fuel to the pain and allowing more "half truths" to be tossed in, clouding up the room even further
• Even though you two aren't together, won't be, you're still picking apart each other's thoughts and words as if there was any good to be had in it.

You just need to get on with it. Every thought you have about her, for her, concerning her, against her, in support of her, whatever, are wasted thoughts.

Your life is waiting to begin again. You have a limited amount of energy in your head. Let's save that energy for someone who makes your life better! She's out there, in front of you... somewhere... get to hunting.

[talaniman]

1) what in the world is she thinking by saying all these things about how I was perfect and in the future we may get back together.

Letting you down easy.

2) says that her boyfriend could never be as good as me, is she trying to string my along?

Nope, just letting you down easy.

3) She got jealous because she knows that I have a lot of girlfriend's who I talk to but yet doesn't understand why I am not jealous of her boyfriend bur rather am very happy for her because her happiness is what I wanted. Is she jealous because she doesn't want me to move on or she still hasn't moved on yet?

I think she got tired of your evil temper, and the stuff you pulled in anger, so she is looking around for some fun without the tantrums. Understandable. My advice is to leave her alone, and check out some of those other females you can talk to.

[spion_kop]

This was long but thanks for whoever who read this[/QUOTE]
I have gone NC with her and but she keeps contacting me every once in a while. She actually wanted to meet up with me this Saturday for ice cream. I'm going in with no expectations because, to be honest, I really don't want her back. I want her to be happy but I don't want her to be part of my life right now. I don't know what the future will hold for the both us but I realized that I was blind at times.

Any suggestions on what I should say or do when we meet up?

[N0help4u]

Look her right in the eye with a big fun smile and keep on walking.
Curiosity killed the cat!

[spion_kop]

I've regained a lot of my confidence which I have lost. I plan on going there and supporting her new relationship while letting her know that the door to our relationship is closed but it isn't lock. I REALLY want her to be happy, even if it is without me.
The only problem I have is the physical side of things. I mean we never had sex but we did other things. I think that once I get over that, I will be ready to move on.

I didn't want to lose her initially but I've accepted it and if her and I were meant to be together than things have a way of working out

[spion_kop]

This situation just got worse. One of our friends from high school just passed away from cancer and she called me at around 9:00 a.m. in the morning crying and asking what to do. She asked me what time I was going to the viewing because she wants come with me. She already has a boyfriend and she knows when the viewing is but I don't understand why she would call me first and want to go with me..
Any help?

[talaniman]

Bow out of this one, and let her fend for herself. A simple I don't know when I'm free is your answer. She has to get the message you can't and won't see her. Disappear from her life. Stop answering her calls.

I don't understand why she would call me first and want to go with me..

What better way to keep you close?

[spion_kop]

See I find that unacceptable. I feel that she is stringing me along and doesn't want me to move on but yet allow for herself to discover who she really is. I think that deep down she does love me, but I think she wants to enjoy her single life/dating other men and then in the future come back to me.

Like I said, I couldn't take her back now after what she did because she could do it again. That is why I want to move on. I've gone NC with her and she is the one who intiates contact. I try to keep it as short as possible but at the same time letting her know that I care. I'm going to be here for her but I'm not going to wait for her nor am I going to be waiting to begin with.

[talaniman]

I try to keep it as short as possible but at the same time letting her know that i care.

You will find you can't have it both ways, without a lot of drama and confusion. NC works because it takes her completely out of the equation and end the drama and confusion. Brief is not enough when you must stop her contacting you. Read a few of the posts on this forum and see what happens to others who insist on an easier softer way. Sorry.

[spion_kop]

Okay, so here is the update so far. She wanted to meet me up for a quite a long time so after postponing it, I decided to see her today.
So the first thing I did was made sure I dressed really well, not too fancy but made sure that I stood out. Next I wrote her a poem, no it wasn't a sappy poem, it was basically everything that I felt in the past month and how I've moved on... I'll post it.

So when I get there, we say hi etc etc and she gets very touchy, I was very distant from her but very confident and happy at the same time. So we go to get ice cream, and she says things like "oh wow, i never knew how tall you were" and "wow you gained a lot of muscle" while at the same time touching me. Remember that I wasn't touching her back.

We spoke about our friend who passed away and I just kept flirting with her. Remember that I didn't want anything out of this meeting. We went to the park and sat down and she was telling me how I was the best thing in her life and how her current boyfriend is amazing but he isn't as amazing as me. I rolled my eyes and said yea right whatever. In my head I knew it was bull so I made sure she knew as well without it sounding rude.

She kept smiling at me and kept looking into my eyes. She said that she misses the things I did with her and how her current boyfriend doesn't do those things. She says that she doesn't like kissing him because he has a beard and etc etc. She kept talking about his flaws but I told her "Jane(not her real name), I'd rather here the good things about him and how he makes you happy because that is what I want". She kept comparing me to him all the time while at the same time being very close and touchy.

She said that I knew her the best and how each time she talks to me and then sees her boyfriend, she can't help comparing me to him. She says that she wants her boyfriend to meet me because she wants him to see the aura I bring and how much of a confident person I am.

I told her after thinking back to what happened, I told her that I couldn't be with her even if she wanted to because of what she did to me. I told her that I did, however, want her to be happy and that is the most important thing in this situation. I let her know that after all that she put me through I'm still here standing with my chin up and walking tall because no one can bring me down, not even her.

She kept saying that she wanted to kiss me on the cheek and kept placing her fingers on my face. I didn't make too much out of it as I kept my distance. I let her know I don't know what the future holds but it doesn't matter because she isn't someone I want in my life. Then she said "well what if i change while im with my bf" I told her that it would be too late by then.

Before leaving I gave her the poem and told her that her happiness is what I've always wanted. Here is the poem

It's Not the End, But a New Beginning

It had to come to this
Whatever was said has been said
Whatever was done has been done
It won't be forgotten
Nor will it be forgiven
We both know each other very well
And we've also put each other through hell
Now the time has come to say goodbye
Because you've moved on
And so have I

I prayed for true love and I got it
I asked to be loved and God gave me that too
I asked for an angel and he gave me you
I've never felt this way before
Cuz I believe in a love worth saving
And my love for you isn't fading
You touched me deep inside
You unlocked the person you knew I could be
You [Jane], set me free

Our relationship may not have worked
I'm happy to know that I've at least tried
Because I don't know what I would do
If you weren't by my side

I've said this in the beginning
And I'll say it forever
Your happiness is the way I want you to be
Even if it is with or without me

I rather have you than not have you at all
Because of you, now I'm walking tall
I don't know what'll happen tomorrow, that all depends
At least I know, that we're becoming better friends

With you in my arms, nothing can go wrong
I still feel your words, as if they were a sweet love song

I'm enjoying the present, but I won't forget the past
I really thought that I could make it last
But it's time to move forward
And never look back

When I'm with you, I always feel the same
But in the end, you're the one to blame
You helped me realize the person you are
With your actions, your love was very far
But you did what you had to, to move on
I just hope your happy knowing
That I am finally gone
Your actions spoke louder than words
And what you did still leaves me blurred

You had the best of me, but now it's too late
I realized that this is actually fate
You showed me what to look for in a woman
Someone with unconditional lovin'
A person who I can respect and trust
Someone who's confidence doesn't go bust

Life is too short and we figured that our first hand
You must be with the people you love
Because you don't know what tomorrow brings
It's best to know that there is someone
Who is willing to love you with all of their heart
And willing to sacrifice their happiness for yours

Thank you [Jane] for showing me who you really are
You really are my light and shining star
I now know who you are through your flaws
It helped me find myself, and my cause
This isn't the end but a new beginning
Because I know what I lost
But more importantly
I know what I've gained

Before she left she hugged me and snuck a kiss onto my cheek and took a picture of us. I told her that if her boyfriend was to ever hurt her or cheat on her, that he would have to answer to me. I said that this is goodbye and that we shouldn't talk anymore because even though she is in my heart, it's best if she isn't part of my life. I told her that I'll be her friend but not the friend that she thinks I'll be. After saying all that I wished her goodluck in the future, kissed her on the forehead and she left.

Now Im going NC completely and removing her out of my life. Hopefully she can understand her mistake and change. The main thing was the poem as it was a reminder of what she had and what she lost.
I really find it strange though that she keeps comparing me to her boyfriend, I think it's BS. The key thing about this entire conversation was that I maintained my confidence, flirted and supported her with her boyfriend while at the same time showed her what she was missing out on.


**Sorry I forgot to mention this, I let her know that I've been on coffee dates with a few girls. She asked and I let her know, she asked if I was over her and I told her that Yes and No. But It was getting easier each day.
What do you guys think?

[spion_kop]

Thanks guys for reading. Any Advice is great advice

[talaniman]

It only means something if you stick to it. But if you have your closure, then its move on time. Honestly, she treated you like a girlfriend, and that should have been nipped in the bud, with the first word about him. At least you don't have to look back.

[spion_kop]

Yea, I told her that the door is closed but it isn't locked. That's because I don't know what the future holds but I'm moving on.
Do you guys think that this is a great idea? The poem with and everything and telling her to move on etc. Do you think she'll miss me?
I can say that I'm not over her but I don't want to be with her at the same time.

[Jiser]

I didn't even read half the stuff as your still obsessing and not getting the message. LEAVE HER ALONE, NO CONTACT!

No more, get some self respect and dignity. Block her from msn, email, delete her no, myspace, Facebook etc etc. Its time to walk away and not look back. In time it will get easier. Stay busy and work on yourself!

[spion_kop]

So Thursday night, I was over at my friend's house just hanging around and drinking. My ex called me about 7-8 times and also sent me many texts asking me to answer the phone. I was getting annoyed so I got this girl to answer my phone for me and my ex just said to let me know that I called. This all occurred at around 10:00.

She goes to sleep at around 11 - 11:30 because she works the next day at her work. So I get a text from her at 12:30 saying "was that your B**CH Jane(not her real name) who answered the phone? I hope you two burn in hell together. (my ex really doesn't like this one girl that I hang out with because 1) she is really pretty and 2) She did like me at one point while I was dating my ex)

Anyway that was the last I heard from her that night. Friday morning when I went home, I check FB and this is what she sent me

i cannot beleive your actions yesterday....

all i have ever wanted was for you to be happy, and this is how you treat me. I call you, because i care, and not because im still in "love" with u...so u can stop telling people that...

i broke up with u because i wanted u to be happy. u wouldnt be happy with someone who didnt love u back, and again, this is how u treat me. i never ONCE in my life inttntionally WANTED to hurt you...but break ups...they usually tend to hurt.

i realzie now that u had ABSOLUTLEY NO RESPECT FOR ME what so EVER! Jack was right...he once said, couples that break up and dont speak to each other after, never really did have respect for each other..

u are so SO immature, that i can't beleive that i actually put up with u for 3 * * * * ing years. i have never been so ashamed for myself for dating such a pathertic * * * * * * * .

you were with me for 3 * * * * ing years, and now that we break up, u get some * * * * * to answer the phone? answer me one question spion_kop. WHAT THE * * * * ARE YOU TRYING TO PROVE? you are LOWER THAN LOW to me. your below dirt...your GRIME...thats what u are...or what u have become....you are NOT the same spion_kop i used to know...

i dont even wish u happiness anymore..because i know that u dont care about me...and that u have changed..into someone, i dont even want to know as a person...or even want to be aquainted with...

so im ending this conversation by saying, im cutting u out of my life. im sure that makes you very happy. i dont know who u are anymore..so i dont even care what makes u happy, or not anymore. i dont wish u happiness...and i seriously, seriously...hate u..

[spion_kop]

I got annoyed and this is what I replied to her

You know jane, I'm going to say this once and once only. After this I hope you understand.

When i last saw you, I told you that I needed to be away from you, not because I didnt care/respect or anything of that sort but because I needed time to heal myself. Do you not realize that I'm still connected to you regardless of what has been said and done?
Do you not know that each day I think about you and not answering your calls is hard on me as well. I dont do it because of spite, I do it because I need to heal personally, it may sound a bit selfish but I have to look after myself more than anybody else.
jane, I've respected you so much that I wished you all the best even after all this * * * * happened between you and me.
I also have not told people that you are in love with me, i told people you are annoying for constantly calling me.
Why are you so selfish and jealous that you have to talk to me to ease your guilt and you ego? Can you just not leave me alone.
DID I NOT SPECIFICALLY TELL YOU THAT I WILL CALL YOU ONCE I'M READY TO TALK TO YOU? CAN YOU NOT EVER GIVE ME PEACE OF MIND.

For God's sake jane, you know me like the back of your hand, you know the pain and suffering that I've been/going through. Yea it's been 3 months but it's about quality not quanitity.
I tried to do the mature thing by ending things on good terms and you know the first thing you said to me was "OH spion_kop YOU WONT LAST A WEEK WITHOUT TALKING TO ME" now who is immature there?
I'm not trying to point out your faults or your mistakes because you could do the same with me. Even now, after your hurtful comments I still want what's best for you. I go to church and I pray for you asking God to give you the best of the best in the world.

Jane you just cannot handle not getting what you want. You are so damn spoilt and spoon fed with everything that if you dont get something you either cut the person out for life or hate them for eternity. If you truly want to hate me for eternity, that is up to you. You can have that on your conscience. I do not know how you go to church every sunday and pray everynight when you are so BITTER and ANGRY. You left me because you didnt love me, i respected that....I asked you that we needed to not talk for a while because I needed to heal..DID YOU RESPECT THAT? If you want to blame anybody for anything here, it's you for not giving me a peace of mind. Just let me be, for crying out loud..what have i ever done during these past two months to hurt you?
Ignore your calls, please...it hurts me not picking up the phone but I need to do it for myself. The reason I got the girl to answer the phone was because I wanted you to leave me alone and stop stalking me

I hope for your sake, you take a step back re-read what i said, analyze it and hopefully it does make some sense to you. Please please please, dont reply back to this with a hateful message because you are only going to be hurting yourself in the long term.

Once again, you will regret calling me all those names and cursing at me. You seem to be a big believer in God, and it is in Him that I trust.
Even now, I wish you the best in the world, I want you to be the happiness woman alive, I hope you're happy because this should boost your ego and self confidence.

I still envy us and our 3 year relationship because it was something special and magical but that is all in the past and both of us have to look onto the future. If you get past all that immaturity, selfishness, emotionally manipulative personality, arrogance, and concededness, you will realize that I do care about you but right now I have to look after myself. I hope this clarifies what I've said and I hope you understand. When the time is right I will contact you, if that is what you want but only when it suits me. I'm sorry if this is hurting you because it's the last thing that i want but I have to put myself first like you have with your life.

Take Care

God Bless

spion_kop

[spion_kop]

This is what I got in response

fine u dont want her hurtful message..fine!

but let me clarify some thing u have said up there..
1) when we met up for the last time..YOU DID NOT TELL ME THAT U DIDNT WANT TO SPEAK TO ME. U SAID U WOULD ALWAYS BE THERE, WHENEVER I WANTED TO TALK, AND U LIED TO ME. U CUT ME OFF LIKE I WAS YESTERDAY TRASH! how do u think that made me feel? huh? when i tried to call u, and there was no answer...

2) i understand that u need to put yourself first...OFFCOURSE u do...and im fine with that, but dont go treating me like * * * * spion_kop..cause im NOT!

3) dont ever say that u respect me, cause u dont. u dont tell ppl that im still in love with u? LIES! it gets back to me spion_kop...

4) again...respect. if u respected me, u would have answered that phone call yourself and told me to leave u alone...instead u took the immature way out, and asked ur * * * * * , Lisa to answer...
u think im afraid of her? u think that will make me stop calling u? no its not because of her that made me stop calling u, its your STUPIDITY, and immaturity , and LACK of respect for me, that made me realzie that im wasting my time trying to care about u...

5) u NEVER ONCE told me that u would call me, when your ready.

6) i never said that you wouldnt last a week without calling me...when the * * * * did i say that..i wouldnt say * * * * like that..

finally, yes i am a stronger beleiver in God, and no spion_kop, i dont know u that well anymore..in fact, i dont know u at all...

so fine, u want me to wish u happiness...well then stranger, hope u have a wonderful life...

GOD BLESS!

[hjpan]

Damn dude..... the girl is a cheater... flirting with having a long-term boyfriend?

This is a bit similar to my break up... a week before, my ex wanted to be with me... then dumps me

piece of sh8~

Anyways, I'd try to focus on the Med school exams or MCAT.... In the future, you can shove your success in her face like I will :)

Just like 'Batman Beginning'... start off with a small relationship, disappear for 7 years, then return and become famous