[haytch]

Just an idea, since a lot of you lot seem to know what your talking about..

Would there be anyone willing to listen to my lifestory and make some suggestions as to what I should do next..

See I'm at a bit of a standstill, or a cross roads if you like and I figure I want a Better life then I've had and I want to do it now while I'm still young enough to!
And I'm willing to try anything!!

A lot has gone on (although I will abbrieviate for the lucky winner lol and spare the unimportant stuff)
I would be hugely grateful.

I know this is something I should work out for myself and I will, but I Need a fresh opinion from an intellegent outsider and I need a little perspective.
See I can't see the wood for the trees at the mo if you know what I mean..

Id be willing to return the favour if there is anything I can help anyone with...

Sincere thanks

[88sunflower]

We can all listen to your story. Just tell us what it is. There are many smart and helpful people on here with an open ear (eye) lol
You can get honest feedback from so many of us.

[haytch]

Its just that its quite involved and I'm worried that il pour my heart out leave myself open and then no one will reply or they will just tell me to get counselling and then I will feel worse than before lol..

I was hoping to run through it all and get some practical what can I do next advice?

[88sunflower]

You might here a ton of things you don't want to hear. Or you might get all your answers. You won't know unless you tell us. I am sure you will get support and direction from several people here.

[haytch]

OK well lifestory -

I think to know someone you need to know there childhood so il start there..

Was born in manchester, the youngest of four. I have an older sister n 2 older brothers.
My mum and dad finally divorced last year after 35 years of marriage.
My mum was a homemaker and my dad worked in a factory, nothing special he was also an alcoholic. Or what is coined a 'functioning alcoholic' as I now know.
My mother is a very difficult to read woman but she brought us up on not much of an income, she was devoted to us a little too much in my opnion, she is and was teetotal and spent years protecting us from the fact that our dad was an alchy. She down played it so much that it just seemed normal for years..
Seemed normal for him to be snappy and grumpy or asleep with a glass of cider in his hand.
Anyway I was the unplanned child and I think the family struggled financially when I was born my dad was made redundant and a few years later our house was reposessed so we were forced to move to a four bed in a very rough part of manchester where we stayed until I was about ten.
My memories of manchester are very weird and hazy though, its like I've blocked huge things out.
I know when I was 6 my family joined the church of jesus christ of latter day saints which is to say became mormans so we would have regular american missionaries round etc most of whom were very nice.
I remember everybody being baptised apart from me as I had to be 7
I think my dad met some seedy characters through the church
There was a man I won't name but looking back although I'm sure he was harmless obviously had severe psyciatric problems and had changed his name by depol to that of a famous footballer and he made several threats an attempts at suicide.
Another was a woman who lived on our estate in a flat and was very obese and her flat stank and was neglected as was she, and my mum would take me to go shopping for her.
See my mum said I'm talking rubbish and that I had a happy childhoold so why can't I remember it?
I've read some extremely weird yearly school reports I had from when I was very littlle saying I was extremely withdrawn and introverted and unusually subdued and that was when I was 6!
Just before we moved across country I was rushed to hospital because I was climbing the fence on my backgarden and my skirt got caught on the barb wire on it (we had it because of the high crime rate)
So I fell, off the fence onto solid concrete straight on my head, was unconscious and was wheeled to the ambulance with a neck brace because everyone thought id broke my spine. I recovered over the 6 week holidays sleeping downstairs, and for some reason I remember we had mice and traps everywhere cause I could never sleep properly,
So this is why I am the black sheep of the family.
Everyone reckons that when I landed on my head it changed my personality from that of a good natured sweet girl to well whatever it is they think I am..

We moved from manchester to near london, which is opposite ends of the country and a big culture shock and left all our friends behind us. My alchy dad had gotten into trouble up north with something illegal and we had to move.
When we moved his drinking got worse we moved to a 3 bed ugly house.
I was shy at first at school, made a few close friends. Then in my next school I had a large circle of friends but I hated school, hated everything about it and soon refused to go, my mum would try to get me to go but worn out shed usually give in aslong as I did some chores around the house.
It was then I became obsessed with my looks and would spend hours putting make up on and taking it off again, id spend hours on an exercise bike to try to lose weight, all this was instead of going to school though when I did go I was above average and acedemically I was fine.
When I hit puberty I realised there was something really wrong with me not just 'normal teenage stuff' My mum told me she loved me but she didn't like me. In fact she hated me,
That was the year I remember my mum slapping me in my face for the first time. She hardly ever hit us. My dad did, he'd hold his hands over our mouths if we screamed or cried to the point you felt like you couldn't breath.
My sister to this day refuses to have anything to do with him as she says he's an alcoholic bastard who used to beat us up. Which I don't recall at all.

Its obvious now I was very depressed, id have panic attacks, nightmares, I tried to overdose and hang myself all before I started high school.
When I did go I went for the first year, I still had good friends but I felt I couldn't open up to anybody about how I was feeling.
I started skipping school again mainly because I was exhausted.
Id get up at half 4 to 5 am to get ready to go to school
Id spend those 4/5hours trying to look acceptable to go out the door and somedays id just bottle it.
Id have a bath wash my hair then spend hours on make up.
See I felt ugly even though everybody said I was a beautiful girl and a pretty girl, even neighbours etc but I just didn't believe them..
In the end I would only go to school to do art lessons because I loved art and then id go home again.
The school appointed me a private tutor I had to go see at a centre for 'troubled children'
I did well in my gcses and even got an A in english and english lit.
But during that time on my 16th birthday id met a boy 17, n we started seeing each other and I thought I was completely in love with him we spent everyday together and I fell pregnant.
Not ideal but I felt blessed and I vowed to love her and look after her and I kept her. I knew shed be a girl,
The pregnancy was difficult and I had a 23 hour labour so they kept me in hospital for 4 days.
I was unprepared and terrified and alone. And worse still although I adored my baby I felt uglier than ever.
I stayed with my mum but my boyfriend became very difficult he worked as a nurse but kept skipping work, hed go into rages and push me around and then one night 2 weeks after giving birth he raped me.
I was still hurting from the birth, still breastfeeding and the sick thing was he kept crying and apologising but I was numb and we just kept carrying on I didn't think I had the strength to be alone again. Nobody knew and my mum wanted me to leave as the house was too small, so I moved into a bedsit at 16 with the baby in a mother and baby unit while I waited to get a house. We lived there for 2 years.

My relationship with my bloke got worse and worse he'd smack me, punch me in the face, put scissors to my throat and eventually I fought back. He was jealous and controlling, didn't like me to wear jewellrey or make up. He lost interest in our baby and that's when I found the strength to finish him for my daughter, so she didn't think all men were like that.

I went off the rails after that, when I had a babysitter id sneak into pubs and clubs with my sister and get drunk, try drugs and have one nightstands.
As many as I could get, I felt totally broken, I was on anti depressants, I started self harming.
And no matter how many men said I was beautiful, I felt tortured.

I tried hard to be a good mum when I was with my daughter, like living a double life and she never went without although I was only on benefits and no csa. Id spend my days taking her shopping and to the park then when she was with my mum, doing pills going out and trying to escape. NIt was wrong but I was lost and carrying this shame of being raped when I was so vulnerable at the time.
Id write poems, I carved faithless into my arm, id do anything to get the emotions out.

I fell for another man, he was what I wanted he had a son the same age, he had tattooed hands he was tall good looking with a good job I was 17 and he was 25 wed take the kids out on play dates, but it was short lived his son had terminal cancer and downs syndrome and we had to split his ex needed him when his son died.
It took me awhile to get over him, probably never have really.
My stupid priority in life again became meeting men (which isn't uncommon in the town I live in)

I think in my heart I just wanted to make a complete family, I wanted my own whole family and I didn't want to be alone. I just didn't know how to do it.
Thought sex was love.
Even had a threesome with two strangers while on drugs.
I know how it sounds but like I said I led a double life and my daughter was sheltered away from it spending time with my mum and her dad..
In that time I moved from a bedsit to a flat and started seeing my daughters dad again he'd come by to have sex with me and leave, I felt worthless I felt that's all I could offer and I couldn't see a way out. I fell pregnant around the time I was offered a house and my older sister was also pregnant.
This time I didn't know whether to keep the baby or not, the dad didn't want to know by then I was 18.
I spent hours trawling the internet killing myself looking at anti abortion website then at the first scan I went with my mum and said I would keep it and bought a little yellow baby grow.
I felt it was a boy, and I had a name .I wasn't very far gone and I went out with my sister that night for a quiet (non alcoholic drink)
Later on that night in the ladies doing my make up (for the hundredth time) a drunk woman attacked me beat me up kicked me in the stomach and gave me the worst black eye I've ever had. I didn't get the police involved which I regret because of my pride issues.
I sank into a darker depression stayed at my mums new house, decided on an abortion as they couldn't find a heartbeat anyway.
My family didn't agree with abortion saying I should give it a chance, but I didn't want a new child suffering life the way I felt I had,
So I went on my own.

Now 19, wearing all black I had a surgical abortion.
For the first time in years I was forced to wear no make up, feeling vulnerable. I hated myself I came too from the anesthetic screaming and crying and went home alone in a taxi empty..

I moved to a two bed house to try to make a fresh start for me and my daughter for months it was just us, decorated the house made the two of us into a family.
Then oneday when I was out the boiler burst and flooded the whole house destroying almost everything. We had to move out for weeks we stayed at my mums and started going out again, looking for mr right just going about it all wrong.
Even when I met another guy I liked looking to fall in love again , blonde, blue eyes,muscular, he seemed so genuine until he brought his mate round one night got me drunk on vodka and they both had sex with me, I slipped back to depression taking no medication and even had group sex with these lads on a few occasions, which I'm ashamed of now but back then I was in no frame of mind to make any decisions..
I stopped caring.
Then I got rid of him, after this guy and his mates showed up in the middle of the night and when I refused they tried to rape me and trashed my house
I spent some time on my own after that.
I started college, took driving lessons got my little girl into a nursery and things were going well. Then my nan died, my mum took it hard I quit college.

Then I met the man by chance one night, the man that has ruled my existence right up until now.We were in the pub and we started talking and he just reached across and held my hand and it felt just like what I needed! It felt right but I treated him like any other one night stand and kicked him out in the morning but he wouldn't let it go kept coming to see me and after 2 weeks we were a couple he got on well with my daughter and I was blissfully in love, blindly in love.
Then I noticed he never had any money and he didn't want to go anywhere that didn't serve alcohol. I found out more and pretty soon he was lying to me stealing from me living with me and loving me. I was confused I thought this time things would be OK it felt like we were so solid so comfortable with each other and then he was decieving me.

I fell pregnant at 21 I was ecstatic I thought stupidly this would be the answer to our problems but of course the problems got worse. Especially during my pregnancy he stopped pretending he wasn't an alcoholic and hed beg for money off me for cider and cigerettes everday and if I said no he'd smash things up push me around call me every disgusting thing under the sun.

But then he had this flipside where he loved me he loved us he'd talk to his child in my belly, cook dinners play with my daughter.
I lived with jekell and hyde.

I got him a job was so proud of him , then he went off the rails drinking with other alcoholics and lowlifes. I even went looking for him after he disappeared for 4 days and found him in a burnt out crack den with homeless addicts..
He looked ill I loved him I had his daughter growing inside me and I took him home..
The drinking consumed his days and mine, the money, the rows and I was teetotal the whole time through pregnancy..

The birth was better and I loved my new baby instantly, felt optimistic for a brighter future with a happy family.
My partner was great for the first few weeks drinking less getting up in the night making bottles. He proposed to me but I said no not until he could quit the drink.
Then out of no where he became more violent, I won't even get into some of it the drink had him, completely.
He smashed up his daughters cot. Id sleep at night with my bankcard in my bra and my phone under the pillow, hed call me a prostitute and a slag although not once did I cheat on him. I adored him, looked after him like the kids loved him like the kids..

I split with him on fathersday after he took the last pound coin out of my purse and ripped up his fathers day card in front of our daughter.

Months went by slowly,
Visited my ex as I needed to confide in him ova someone he knew that was stalking me but he was so drunk he smashed a glass in my mouth cracked my front tooth and he was sent to prison for abh, he wrote to me telling me I was his world and I stupidly took him back..
He's not going to change, he's started having seizures when he doesn't drink because his body goes into shock through withdrawl. The doctors have said they give him2 years to live if he carries on the way he is. And he is 26

Ive been so under his complete control that now were not together I don't know what's normal and what's not anymore..
I don't know where to turn, I want a career , I want a family, nice home healthy relationship.
Money would be nice, I am determined this time to make a change and never look back!
Im not the girl I was, I've spent 4 years loving one man, being a mother, having what I've always wanted but in a terribly cursed and twisted way..

Need a whole new life for me and my kids, new perspective, need to break free from this cycle now while I still can..

Thank you for reading! Your ideas would mean so much..

[Clough]

Hi, haytch!

That's quite a life's story there! You've been through a lot!

What's the one, specific thing that you would like to happen with your life now?

It would be best to take things one step at a time...

Thanks!

[I wish]

Hi,

That was quite a read. I wasn't sure if I would be able to read it all, but I have. I just have a few questions. The last time you mentioned your age, you said you were 19. So how old are you now? Are you working? Are you going to college? How old are your two kids now?

Is there someone you can talk to, to help you plan your future ahead? I'm sure you have lots to offer, you just need some guidance. Someone to give you some direction. Identify your strengths and go from there.

Other than that, here are a few other observations. There seems to be a trend. You meet guys at bars or pubs. Maybe you should try to meet guys in a more appropriate setting if possible. If you're searching for a man, try to find someone who isn't an alcoholic. There are men out there who don't ever get drunk and drink responsibly with friends. Find a man who has a stable job and not making ends-meat. You've been through so much, there's no reason for you to settle for less. Increase your expectations on the man that you want. Do not have sex with him so early. Sex is not the answer. Spend more time talking and learning about the guy first. Sex can come much later.

You said it yourself, you wanted to tell us your entire life story before we give you advice. So that's how you should be treating men. Spend MUCH MORE time getting to know them before you even consider having sex.

Now that you have 2 children, you should not be sheltering them from your bad habits (such as drinking), you should quit drinking altogether. It's time to be the best mother that I know that you can be. Anyway, quitting drinking will save you loads of money that can be better spent on your children.

Don't give up on yourself, all these past experiences will only make you a stronger person. There's so much ahead of you, just keep moving forward. If you ever have doubts, you can always come back to this forum and ask for help. But I strongly suggest that you get some professional help, such as a therapist or counsellor.

[N0help4u]

Just some of my thoughts as I read through this.
One, parents do not see life through the eyes of their kids so they often have no idea what their kids went through.
Have you ever sat down with them and discussed the things that made your life crummy?

Two, the worst thing you can do is hold on to the past and use it as an excuse for why your life isn't going good now. Let go of the past and just look at it as lessons learned. Don't carry it with you as baggage.

Three, Let go of everything and anything that holds you back as much as you possibly can. Like if your friends/family hold you back only spend a minimal amount of time with them and don't discuss things that they will make you feel negative about.

Four, forget a relationship at least until you get your life where you want it. I really believe that people that struggle because the wrong boyfriend is on his own path and usually it is determental to your path. If you find someone that has the same goals and dreams and is helping you build your life for that goal then it is a different story.

Five, having got the junk out of your life, make your plans and set your goals and put all your effort toward that goal. Write your plan of action on how you will go about achieving these things so you can keep checking to see your progress.

[321543]

Do as you were taught as a younger. Be ,and act as child of God once more . Your constant struggles are reminders as to who you once were as a Latter Day Saint. You have stumbled drunkenly off the path and are blinded as your mother and father taught you through there own examples. Is this what you want for your children as well?
Rise up, break the chain, refrain, from your desires and addictions and do what it is that you must to clean up yourself . If not for you ,Your children.
Once you have decided to do this , the opportunities will come and knock at your door. But you must put the first foot forward in the right direction. Heavenly Father does not come looking for you. The road to salvation is not always an easy one but is a rewarding one if only we have the courage to Choose the right to live our life with respect for ourselves.

[321543]

Please remember Sister , I do love you as well a many others , Who also have fought fights just as you have. We are never alone.

[sarah_9]

Hello,

As you say you arr quite young and if this thought comes in your mind then my friend you definitely have the caliber to find your own way, make sure your foundation is laid on honesty and truthfulness.



Regards,
sarah_9


Leadership Management

[88sunflower]

Honey I was choking up reading your story. You're a very strong young woman and you already have the strength in you to move on and get a better life. You must break the cycle that you grew up in. You seem to be attracting the very type of man you said your father was. Stop it now before your girls see that and fall in to the same lifestyle.

Is it possible for you to just move out of the area? Get away from the men and the people who have brought you down and start fresh. If you can save the money to do that or get the help to move. You seem to follow the same path. Meet men in bars, have sex and leave them. Or they stay and they are drunks and abusers. Stay away from the pub scene. Like what was already mentioned you can't break the chain unless you actually break it. Meaning find a better place to meet people. Stop drinking yourself. Stop before the addiction takes you in like it did your own father. Put your girls first and go forward. Don't even look for love right now. Those girls of yours will give you the unconditional love you may never get from someone else. They will always find you beautiful no matter how many hours you spend doing yourself up. You are now there idol and you need to show them what life is about. Life isn't pubs and needing sex to feel love or secure. Take charge now.

[3-2-1]

I have no idea how to offer help or support that can change something in your life apart from reading what you write and hopefully show that others care about you and your children, even not knowing you.

By just knowing that there is something out there that you want for both yourself and your daughters will hopefully give you the will to reach out and grab it and move forwards. When my children get into difficulties or reach a hurdle I always tell them "onwards and upwards". You have no controlof your past but the future is yours to choose.

Congratulations for having the guts and inspiration to put your story out there, it sure makes many people's ordeals seem less important.

Good luck with what you choose to do and let us know how you are progressing.

[smileyman22336]

Well my 2 cents: Get away from all of these people-seriously. Enough is enough. If you stick around them, then you're just asking for more. Then, stay away from the drugs, and alcohol. No more of it. 0% tolerance. After this, think up a goal and stick to it, perseverance daily, and let no one stop you. Success is around the corner, but it takes the walking to get around the corner-so start walking. There are millions of people who have made mistakes in this world that we can learn from, why make history repeat itself? Pretend and act confident and with a high self esteem and soon enough you'll self manifest it and make it a complete reality. GL, take care.

[N0help4u]

Your life sounds so much like this post.
Maybe some of the answers we gave there can help you.

Here is the link
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/mental...er-151602.html

[0EntitY]

I agree with smileyman... I would just add, you need to seriously, clear out. Do what you can to pack up and head out. As it is now, you are standing in a sort of mine-field. No matter where you turn you get into trouble at your present location. I would not suggest getting into any relationships for awhile either. You need to work and leave all drugs-drink alone, even the politically correct "happy" pills which are sold on city street corners along with illegal drugs for good reason. Drugs are drugs and will mess your mind up and keep you stuck in the past. You need a clear mind for survival reasons, making rational decisions and staying in the present. This might be hard at first, but it will get easier down the road. You can be your best friend or worst enemy. It is entirely your choice to make a better future or not too...

[Starry nights]

Hey Haytch,I was just reading your story and it filled me with so much of sadness at all the crap you have had to go through at such a tender age.

At the same time,I had the thought that maybe,in a very indirect and weird way,God was actually putting you through the worst kind of tests just to bring out the best in you,as a person,a mother,a partner.A diamond has to be put through extreme heat and processing methods before we see it shine.

I read somewhere that we keep getting the same kinds of tests and find ourselves in the same kinds of situations because we just keep refusing to learn the lessons God wants us to.Thats why maybe your life's going in circles because you just need to put your foot down,learn your lesson and find the beautiful life that you deserve.

Presently,there's a lot of clutter, a lot of past baggage,emotional,physical issues you have that is acting like a cobweb,preventing you from seeing the sunshine.You need to unclutter and remove all that.

I know these for sure:You are a very passionate and driven person:You just haven't found the right people/things you should go for.Shift your passion and drive towards something like a job(I suggest don't go for anything fancy,any job that requires you to just go some place and spend a lot of time doing something,would not only take your mind off stuff but would prepare you for better jobs in future.Plus,a routine 9-5 job builds your confidence and also gives you money).

You are smart,intelligent and aware of the do's and dont's,the good and the bad:You just need to apply all this to your everyday life.Quit EVERYTHING that you sense from a hundred miles away,is potentially dangerous or harmful to you and your kids.That could be drugs,alcohol,a harmful person,a situation,anything.Run from everything bleak,dark and evil.Then merely change your course and walk the other way--towards happiness,cheer and positivity.

You are capable of being MUCH more:You have done fine academically and in situations that would be considered pretty shocking for many young students.If possible,go back to school,start attending classes,read.This'll start helping you focus your mind,increase your concentration and calm you down.

See Haytch,I think,the best and most hopeful part about the whole scenario is that you WANT to change,you want your life to take a drastic change for the better and when an individual is in that determined frame of mind,nothing,absolutely nothing,not even God,can throw him/her off course.

If you put your mind to it,I can foresee a beautiful future ahead of you,just the kind that a beautiful person like you deserves.If only you keep doing all that is good for you and don't give in to any temptation coming your way,if you promise yourself that you won't give up till you find true happiness and love,if you bring yourself to love yourself and forgive yourself for all that's happened,I am sure everythings going to work out.

Just know that there are millions of girls out there who would give anything to be as pretty,smart and kind like you are.You just have to believe that yourself and bring out the best in you.

Take good care of yourself and keep going.Life's waiting.

Let us know if we can help anytime you feel stuck.

[smiley8]

Everyone who has given advice is absolutely right. You need to print these words of advice out and pin them beside your bed so you can see them and read them when your feeling your falling back. And realise there are people out there who do care and understand and who have been through horrible things just as you have. You sound very strong, and you also sound like you adore your children and care how they are raised. Like someone else said, do not let your past or childhood be an excuse for why your life isn't working out, make it a reason for your life to work out how you want it, make it fuel to get all those things you want for your children's lives. Its time to stop reliving the cycle now, what people experience in life make a person stronger and more wiser. Learn from what you have been through, you obviously know now what you don't want so change what you have been doing and you will get a different result. Quit with the men until you know who you are and you feel good about yourself, quick fixes never really fix anything, until then you can not have a healthy relationship and get the good things out of it. I know this will be hard but you seem to be hooking up with clones of your father and that's very common when one grows up in an abusive home they are more likely to enter an abusive relationship because that's normal to them, but its not. Your number one thing in your life should be your children, strive to give them a life you didn't get to have and I can tell you you will find more fulfillment in that then any man can give you. Just remember there are people out there who have overcome intense poverty and violent upbringings to come out successful, healthy people and have wonderful lives giving their families what they missed out on.
I know you mentioned you didn't want to be told to go to counciling, but Im saying it as a good thing, counciling helps a lot, its just like this I guess but more intimate and focused on you, if you don't want to that's fine, read, read books or find websites on self healing, personal empowerment, forgiveness and how to overcome mental and physical abuse. Also educate yourself on financial matters and how to better your living situation. With these things you can slowley make your way to what you want. It sounds like you have been on the right path before then fallen off the wagon, that's OK everyone does, get up and try again, persisstance always gets you there. Write down all your goals, long term and short term ANYTHING YOU WANT IN LIFE, then break it down into small steps you need to take to get there and start. Never be afraid to ask for help, you already have and that's a start, you know deep down what doesn't feel right so trust your inner voice, trust yourself more and take charge, you and your children have a wonderful life to live, start taking the steps you need to get there and never let anyone tell you 'you can't' not even family or close friends, sometimes they can be the most judgmental. Good luck. x.

[zippit]

Hello haytch
I'm going to give the others a chance
That was a well written post
Thank you for having the guts to be honest
And the wisdom to make changes in your life
For you and your children
Good luck

[spoilsport]

Hi,

It only takes a firm mind to decide to change your life which you have decided.
Now the next hard part is to stick to it and work on it.

You may move into a new environment that doesn't have the temptations that you usually fall for - maybe shift to a village or a orhtodox community , you can even consider being a paying guest at someone's house .

Get on a deaddiction program, get into college night time and work in the day
Give your kids a good environment. Stay out of all shady places

Join a support or community groups. Join a music or art class if you get time.
Be a part of the local social group that helps people to get back on track. This is to ensure you are on the right track.



Good luck!