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    gypsy9's Avatar
    gypsy9 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Apr 21, 2012, 08:51 PM
    I need help finding my biological family (Karolyi)
    I have been searching for 20yrs off and on for my biological siblings/mother. I was born in calgary canada. I received non-identifying info in my adoption file so I know my siblings names as well as my bio moms name and including her maiden name. I have gone on message boards, registered with post adoption, gone on ancestry forums and to no avail. Does anyone have any suggestions?
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #2

    Apr 21, 2012, 09:06 PM
    Has it occurred to you that your birth family might not want contact?

    I am not familiar with Canadian adoption law, but believe that it is fairly close to US adoption laws, and that you cannot legally pursue contact without a grave medical need.

    With so many searching these days, though, it would be unusual for a family that does want contact to be on none of the reunion boards.

    You can, of course, hire a licensed private investigator to find them. However, that can get costly and may result in your birth family not wanting contact.
    angel11711's Avatar
    angel11711 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Apr 21, 2012, 11:28 PM
    Try looking on social networking sites like Facebook and twitter
    gypsy9's Avatar
    gypsy9 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Apr 22, 2012, 08:49 AM
    I have realized they might not want to be found but all 7 siblings? Not sure about your laws but in 1995 canada released unidentifying info to adoptees, this wasn't helpful because I already had the info they had. Hiring a PI is probably my last option but I do know why I would pay for info that I feel is mine to know. I have tried facebook- no response.
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #5

    Apr 22, 2012, 09:17 AM
    Actually, it is NOT yours to know.

    Unidentifying information gives you the stuff you NEED to know, most specifically your medical history.

    Your birthparents' right to privacy trumps your curiosity. Period. What you want is to disturb the lives of people who may have no idea you exist, aside from your birthmother. She may never have told her family about the time in her life when you were born, and exposing it could cause her to have serious issues with her current family, especially any marriage.

    Being a birthmother is painful, and in the days when you couldn't talk about it, and had to walk away grieving on your own, many birthmothers found ways to cope and heal on their own---reappearing when she doesn't want you to is like ripping open an old would and making her go through the pain again when she thought she'd healed.

    Note that I say "when she doesn't want you to". Birthmothers who WANT contact find healing through the contact. Birthmothers who do NOT want contact generally only find pain in the contact
    gypsy9's Avatar
    gypsy9 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Apr 22, 2012, 11:33 AM
    I respect your opinion but when I was dying at 19yrs old it sure would have been nice to know if my condition was hereditary. The unidentifying info does not give medical info or background. My mother did not give me up I was taking away and finding her would only help me identify with someone who I share my genes with, I certainly do not wish to have a great relationship that would be a little ignorant of me to think that.My search started because I wanted to find my sister which is harder be cause she could have married. I will still stand by my comment that my info is my right to know.
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    rochat Posts: 11, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Jun 26, 2012, 04:52 PM
    Synnen!! Wht kind of expert are u?? U are so negative. Were you in anyone of these people shoes? Are you a scorned Foster parent. Either way you were rude about my boyfriend request and now this one. God knws how many others POINT IS THIS IS A DIFFICULT POSITION FOR THM TO BE IN. N YES THEY HAVE CONSIDERED THE NEGATIVE ASPECTS OF IT. THEY ARE ASKING FOR ADVICE ON WHERE TO LOOK NOT UR OPINIONS ON THE MATTER. EVERY SITUATION IS DIFFERENT SO BUTT OUT IF ALL U GOT TO SAY IS MUR HURTFUL TO THEM. Sweetie good luck with your search. Dnt give up until your satisfied
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #8

    Jun 26, 2012, 06:54 PM
    Rochat---I'm a BIRTHPARENT.

    You know---one of those people that sacrificed a lot and put myself through hell so that my child could have a better life?

    I've also WORKED with birthparents for 20 years. I think that qualifies me to be a bit of an expert on it.

    How old are you? 12? How could anyone as young (or as illiterate) as you are have any idea of what birthparents have gone through? NO ONE has the right to another person's personal information.

    If you TRULY believe that they do, please send me a message with your name, age, birth date, medical history, social security number, address, phone number, and genealogy as far back as you have it. Make sure to include your pets' names and your mother's maiden name.

    What? You're not willing to give me (who has no legal connection to you whatsoever) all of your personal information just because I want it?

    Well, what the hell makes you think that birthparents OWE that information to adoptees? Adoptees HAVE families! That's what birthparents went through a ton of pain for--to make sure their children have families! I think you need to back down, because nearly every birthparent out there knows about reunion websites and leaving information with the adoption agency for their children. IF they want contact, they do so.
    rochat's Avatar
    rochat Posts: 11, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Jun 26, 2012, 08:35 PM
    Ok first off honey, I'm 35. Thank you! I'm also a mother!! A birth mom! You know the kind that struggled for nine months. Went through labor actually had and KEPT THE CHILD even though the situations were tough. Oh, we struggled but we made it just fine Thank you!! She knows who she can really call mom!! I love how she is a 16 and still comes and put her head on my shoulder and tells me she loves me! I think I'm a better expert than you! Like I said everyone's situation is different!! You chose to give your child away! You chose to close them out like they don't exist. Hence, the reason you should not comment!! If you notice!! They are saying they were taking away!! Difference!! So before your bitter comments. Answer this expert... you are really on this site?? If you moved on and don't want to be disturbed. For sympathy?? Again, you had a choice. They didn't. And YES, THEY DESERVE TO KNOW! DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU CAME FROM?? IN MY BF'S SITUATION THEY ARE ALL DECEASED NOW! REASON WHY THEY MIGHT NOT BE LOOKING. YOU THINK COUNSELOR??
    rochat's Avatar
    rochat Posts: 11, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Jun 26, 2012, 08:48 PM
    You're a birth parent who obviously doesn't want to be disturbed. We get that. My point is before leaving those bitter and rude comments to people. Keep in mind not everyone is thinking like you. Not everyone was in your situation. So, before you throw in they may not want to be disturbed crap put yourself in the position of the child. Not every adoptive family is heavenly. Hate to break it to you but sometimes it might of just been worse. If your conscious helps you believe that well hey that's fine. Before you comment just read what they are saying!! Taking away vs. Giving up.
    rochat's Avatar
    rochat Posts: 11, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Jun 26, 2012, 08:55 PM
    Oh and darling to answer your question about why birthparents owe that information to adoptees. Maybe because they came from you!! Your blood!! Your genes!! I don't know just guessing! If I was in this world blind sighted I would like to know what my history was too. Wouldn't you?
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #12

    Jun 26, 2012, 09:13 PM
    Actually, I'm a birthparent in contact with my child.

    I've just seen three women who killed themselves because their children destroyed their lives by pushing because they felt ENTITLED to information beyond medical history.

    You don't get to destroy someone else's life just because you think you are OWED information that you are not owed. You don't get to drive someone to suicide because you can't take "no" for an answer and disturb all healing and disclose information about the adoption that the birthparent did not choose to disclose to those around her. You are not ENTITLED to that information. Period.

    And frankly--I am a mother of a child I kept, a birthmother of a child I placed, and dealt with YEARS of infertility between. I think I understand adoption inside and out, thank you very much. I'm also not LESS of a mother for choosing to give my child a life I couldn't have begun to give her when she was born. The fact that you make birthmothers seem less because they chose a path you didn't means you don't get it at all.

    Why are you making birthparents and adoptive parents to be less than people who chose to parent their own biological children? I gave my daughter the best gift I could--a stable family with two parents and enough to eat. I gave her parents who would have time to spend with her and who wouldn't be struggling to deal with life constantly, and therefore neglect her needs out of necessity. Adoptive parents are also "real" parents--they give as much or more love to children they've adopted, and those children always know that they were CHOSEN, not a "whoops". Why negate the heritage that comes from the adoptive family?

    I owed my child her medical history. Everything else was a gift. Adoptees get a heritage and a family and a history and everything that goes with it from their adoptive families. They don't have a right to BOTH. If birthparents CHOOSE to give it--great. But seriously--it destroys some women to be forced back into contact.

    You truly don't understand it, because you've never worked with someone whose husband left her, and children she raised won't talk to her, who is an emotional wreck who lost her job over the anxiety in her life---all because a baby she gave a better life to just won't stop pushing, and revealed secrets that caused issues in every other area of their lives.

    YES, some reunions are happy. Some reunions are deadly. You don't seem to understand that CLOSED means CLOSED for many women---and they were PROMISED that those records would never be opened. For many, that promise was the difference between adoption and abortion.

    They received LIFE from their birthmoms. They are entitled to MEDICAL history. They are NOT entitled to ANYTHING else.

    It's the ENTITLED attitude that drives me crazy.

    PS--I have a great relationship with my daughter. I also have a great relationship with her adoptive parents. I got over my bitterness and anger years ago, actually. I have never regretted choosing adoption, though if I had known then what I know now I would probably have never gone that route.

    PPS--you have to mourn a child given in adoption as if that child has DIED. YOUR child dies so that someone else's child can be born. Do you REALLY think that for some women meeting that other woman's child is "closure"? For some women, it's ripping the scab off a wound that causes them to bleed to death. Look up rates of attempted suicide among birthmothers sometime. You make us out to be cold and hard-hearted, when I have yet to meet a birthmother whose heart isn't crying for her child every single day.

    Please--do some research and don't just spout off your FEELINGS (and I would like to point out that YOU are the one that comes across as angry and bitter here) without facts to back it up.
    rochat's Avatar
    rochat Posts: 11, Reputation: 1
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    #13

    Jun 27, 2012, 11:39 PM
    Sad u had to delete my comments. I will leave it at what the site allows me to. But if, u are a ask me for help desk I'm just saying people are coming for help.

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