[hart04236]

Hello All,
My Mother married a man who was very sexual. He involved her in sex games, foursomes with friends, walking naked with him through the house around her three children, etc... She used to make us take naps with this man. When I was nine years old there was an "incident" while taking a nap, and I found it to be soooooo wrong that I told my teacher the nexrt day at school(not my Mother, as she was not the best role model), completely unaware of what was to transpire. I had DHHS show up at school, and they asked all kinds of questions. I was then told that I would no longer be going home and in fact would have a new home. When I was twelve, My grandparents finally succeeded in getting custody of my sister and I. My Mother has tried to have a relationship with all of her children after the fact, but her denial and stories, are hard to stomach. She denies ever knowing that he was doing those things, she denies ever leaving us alone with him. She had a daughter with him and he molested her as well, and Mother dearest made excuses. i.e. he was on meds, or he had too much to drink and was confused. Needless to say, her excuses are worse than the denial. I don't understand how she stayed married to him until three years ago, then divorced him for her own reasons. She is now remarried and when I was asked questions about my childhood by her new husband, Mother was very put out. She then created new stories to make herself look like a victim and it was everyone else's fault. Well, I want to know if it is a normal reaction for me at 28 years old, with a husband and two children of her own, to tell this woman she is a negative aspect in my life, and that it is heathier for me to completely let her go out of my life. She is talking to other relatives and it makes it harder for me to say goodbye for good because I associate with the other relatives. Should I say goodbye to the rest of my family as well?
I don't understand her, and in fact resent her, as she was supposed to be the protector of her children, and she let these things happen and buried her head in the sand. I have not been able to forgive her, and it has been a hard road to even talk to her. She gives guilt trips and they no longer work with me. I don't want to hate her, but that is what is starting to happen. What do you recommend?

[JudyKayTee]

Have you tried therapy at all?

I don't know that you have to tell her good-bye and that you are unable to forgive her unless it will give YOU closure. She is only going to deny what you write (and probably run through the family with your letter in hand) and become defensive.

Do you have to have contact with her? Do your children have to have contact with her?

Of course you resent her. I'm surprised you don't hate her.

I have no idea what kinds of stories she would come up with that would justify her husband molesting her/their children - she must live in a fantasy world. With this type of family history why does anyone "take her side" (if that's what's going on)?

I think you have to take the path that is the least upsetting to you - whatever that path may be.

[DoulaLC]

Women sometimes stay out of fear of being alone, fear of being a single parent and all the responsibilities that go along with that, because they still love the person and just find it too difficult to face that facts, or a combination of the above.

If it is too upsetting to be around your mother, let her know why, keep it matter of fact, and move on. If you enjoy time with your other family members, continue to see them, or have them over to your home.

If questions are asked, you can either be upfront about what happened or you can simply respond that your mother is well aware of the reason and you would like to leave it at that. Since you were in your grandparents custody, there is the likelihood that at least some of your relatives already know anyway.

[dontknownuthin]

Her behavior is insane and she still doesn't get it. She didn't give him up even when doing so probably would have gotten her kids back. She abandoned you - why should you feel some great social pressure to invite this mess of a person into your life again?

If you want to stay close with the rest of the family, do so, but keep them out of your relationship with your mother. And if she cannot accept responsibility and it adds insult to injury, you can't have her in your life.

You have your own family and are changing the rules and how family works for yourself for the better - why let this toxic influence interfere in the good family you so richly deserve, and can build for yourself and your spouse and children?