[fixer145]

First off, I generally have bad anxiety, and I'm posting on here to get some assistance with a situation that happened with my wife last night.

So my wife and I generally talk about all of the finances. Everything we spend, are going to spend, etc. When I was looking through our finances, I had seen that she went shopping on a day earlier in the week, and not mentioned it to me. So I went to grab the repciets out of her purse, (which we normally do to log on our computer our finances), and I found them both for the clothes that were on her account. Also, at this time she was supposed to be at work, but the time stamp on the repciets stated that she was out shopping.

So I asked her about them, she said, "No I was at work all day" I said, "No the time stamp says you were shopping, why are you lying?"

After the 2nd time asking, she finally said, "Yes, i was out shopping, because I just needed some me time. I knew you would see it on the bank statement, but I was worried you would be mad."

I'm not a mean guy, I'm not abusive by all means, I do have strong insecurities, and anxiety, which I went to a therapist for. But now, my anxiety is all over the place, and we don't have time to talk about it because we are both busy with school and work this week.

Should I feel really mad and upset by this?

[ma0641]

"and we don't have time to talk about it because we are both busy with school and work this week". What a poor excuse. You are very insecure, untrusting, your wife lies to you because she doesn't want to get you mad and you DON'T HAVE TIME??

[smoothy]

First off, I generally have bad anxiety, and I'm posting on here to get some assistance with a situation that happened with my wife last night.

So my wife and I generally talk about all of the finances. Everything we spend, are going to spend, etc. When I was looking through our finances, I had seen that she went shopping on a day earlier in the week, and not mentioned it to me. So I went to grab the repciets out of her purse, (which we normally do to log on our computer our finances), and I found them both for the clothes that were on her account. Also, at this time she was supposed to be at work, but the time stamp on the repciets stated that she was out shopping.

So I asked her about them, she said, "No I was at work all day" I said, "No the time stamp says you were shopping, why are you lying?"

After the 2nd time asking, she finally said, "Yes, i was out shopping, because I just needed some me time. I knew you would see it on the bank statement, but I was worried you would be mad."

I'm not a mean guy, I'm not abusive by all means, I do have strong insecurities, and anxiety, which I went to a therapist for. But now, my anxiety is all over the place, and we don't have time to talk about it because we are both busy with school and work this week.

Should I feel really mad and upset by this?

So you used to go but don't now? Unless it was just a poor choice of words you need to get back into therapy before you destroy your marriage. Its not like getting an ingrown toenail fixed... therapy is an ongoing effort.

I see more reason for HER to be upset than you.

[fixer145]

"and we don't have time to talk about it because we are both busy with school and work this week". What a poor excuse. You are very insecure, untrusting, your wife lies to you because she doesn't want to get you mad and you DON'T HAVE TIME??

It's not me that doesn't have time, it's my wife. I have the time, but she is dealing with midterms and working 40 hours a week. I however, don't, I have asked for time, but she is the one who claims to be busy.

[fixer145]

So you used to go but don't now? Unless it was just a poor choice of words you need to get back into therapy before you destroy your marriage. Its not like getting an ingrown toenail fixed... therapy is an ongoing effort.

I see more reason for HER to be upset than you.

First off, thank you for your reply.

I went to therapy for about 5 months, in which the Doctor mentioned that I was doing better and that I don't need to go unless of panic attacks. This could be one, however, I was still lied too, and am seeking advice, not judgement over my mental state.

[smoothy]

Get over the white lie thing... seriously... there isn't a married couple out there that spends every minute together or doesn't keep something or another from their spouse. If it was a bill at a local hotel... you'd have reason to worry. Some clothes... don't sweat it... if it was time alone... don't sweat it.

I've been married 24 years... I love my wife... but I might choke her to death if I had to spend every waking hour with her...

Time apart to do your own thing is important for a relationship... and for your own mental health.

It might be time to get back into therapy...its clear the anxiety issues have returned. Between therapy and medications they can be controlled better. And it might be a long term ongoing effort. I know several people that have been in therapy and on medications for over 10 years ( and counting) for that very problem.

[fixer145]

Get over the white lie thing... seriously... there isn't a married couple out there that spends every minute together or doesn't keep something or another from their spouse. If it was a bill at a local hotel... you'd have reason to worry. Some clothes... don't sweat it... if it was time alone... don't sweat it.

I've been married 24 years... I love my wife... but I might choke her to death if I had to spend every waking hour with her...

Time apart to do your own thing is important for a relationship... and for your own mental health.

It might be time to get back into therapy...its clear the anxiety issues have returned. Between therapy and medications they can be controlled better. And it might be a long term ongoing effort. I know several people that have been in therapy and on medications for over 10 years ( and counting) for that very problem.

Thank you, this was the type of support I was looking for.

I know it shouldn't be a huge deal, but for some reason I just don't her to feel like she has to lie to me about anything. I am all for her having her own space, and doing her own things, but we generally still like to talk to one another and keep each other updated.

I think you're right, this is probably a sign to go back to therapy. I just was really hoping I was getting better.

[smoothy]

Also.. how long have you been married? I'm guessing not a lot of time and you are both still adjusting.

Omitting or forgetting to say something isn't a lie. Having to account for every minute of your day or get advance permission for ever dime you spend will create an environment resentment can grow. She did present the receipts however to balance the checkbook. So she didn't really lie about it.

[Oliver2011]

Sweat the big stuff. In the grand scheme of things this is relatively minor. And she told you the truth. She made a minor mistake, she told the truth, now move on. You (and me) are far from perfect too.

[fixer145]

Also.. how long have you been married? I'm guessing not a lot of time and you are both still adjusting.

Omitting or forgetting to say something isn't a lie. Having to account for every minute of your day or get advance permission for ever dime you spend will create an environment resentment can grow. She did present the receipts however to balance the checkbook. So she didn't really lie about it.

We have been married for over a year, but together for 6. Thank you, you are right. However, when I did confront her about it, she did lie. She said, "No i was at work all day" When in fact she left early and went shopping. It wasn't until I asked her about the repciets with the time stamp. Then she had mentioned, "i didn't want to tell you because i thought you would be mad I left."

So when I did ask her directly, "The repciet says you were bought this at 1:30", she said, "No i was at work". I had to tell her that the repciet doesn't lie, which in turn she mentioned that she was scared to tell me. I really shouldn't make a big deal about that?

[talaniman]

Her "LIE" was from you always over reacting so chill so she can feel comfortable telling you anything and everything... in her own way, and time.

Now go apologize for being a boob, acknowledge your behavior and tell her you are still working on your issues of acting and speaking BEFORE you think. That would be the start of sincere change and improvement.

Flowers can't hurt.

Free suggestion from a long married guy that probably has kids older than you.

[smoothy]

We have been married for over a year, but together for 6. Thank you, you are right. However, when I did confront her about it, she did lie. She said, "No i was at work all day" When in fact she left early and went shopping. It wasn't until I asked her about the repciets with the time stamp. Then she had mentioned, "i didn't want to tell you because i thought you would be mad I left."

So when I did ask her directly, "The repciet says you were bought this at 1:30", she said, "No i was at work". I had to tell her that the repciet doesn't lie, which in turn she mentioned that she was scared to tell me. I really shouldn't make a big deal about that?

Three words... "Let it go".

Seriously... its not a big deal... you are going to run your marriage into a ditch real quick if you HAVE to push every little thing for all its worth.

Women don't like being the target of an inquisition until they submit and neither do guys.

That is a lose - lose situation over the long haul.

You MIGHT win the first round, but at some point you will come home and find she has packed everything that's hers and then some and moved out.


We have several old sayings that apply. "Choose your battles carefully"... and "Worry about the big things and the little things will take care of themselves."

[Oliver2011]

I have to spread more greenies around...

"You MIGHT win the first round, but..." Exactly. It's not worth it and it won't ever be worth it.

[fixer145]

I appreciate it everyone. I really do. That is some fantastic advice. Thank you again.

[Cat1864]

I will say that you both handled the situation in a less than ideal way. She should not have held back the receipts or at least should have let you know she spent x amount if she was trying to surprise you. You should not have invaded her purse and confronted her.

It sounds like she is extremely busy and having a difficult time finding room for herself in the schedule. She has work and school and you making demands on her time. Do you make it easy for her to say she needs time to herself or do your insecurities want her spending her free time with you?

I suggest letting this incident go and you both learn from it. If a receipt isn't where you expect it, ask her instead of panicking and invading her purse.

This might be harder for you. If it is, consult your therapist to see if you need a little refresher counseling. Let your wife know that she can tell you she needs some 'me' time to do what she wants to do (hobbies, shopping, seeing friends, etc.) and you will not say anything negative or start an interrogation. You should have time for yourself, too.

Another thing, make certain that you both feel safe when talking about anything that bothers you. If 'talks' usually become interrogations or confrontations, then talk to your counselor about learning how to communicate with each other. You don't always have to agree, but you should listen to each other and try to find a compromise.

Good luck.

[fixer145]

I will say that you both handled the situation in a less than ideal way. She should not have held back the receipts or at least should have let you know she spent x amount if she was trying to surprise you. You should not have invaded her purse and confronted her.

It sounds like she is extremely busy and having a difficult time finding room for herself in the schedule. She has work and school and you making demands on her time. Do you make it easy for her to say she needs time to herself or do your insecurities want her spending her free time with you?

I suggest letting this incident go and you both learn from it. If a receipt isn't where you expect it, ask her instead of panicking and invading her purse.

This might be harder for you. If it is, consult your therapist to see if you need a little refresher counseling. Let your wife know that she can tell you she needs some 'me' time to do what she wants to do (hobbies, shopping, seeing friends, etc.) and you will not say anything negative or start an interrogation. You should have time for yourself, too.

Another thing, make certain that you both feel safe when talking about anything that bothers you. If 'talks' usually become interrogations or confrontations, then talk to your counselor about learning how to communicate with each other. You don't always have to agree, but you should listen to each other and try to find a compromise.

Good luck.

Thank you, that is great advice and I agree with you whole heartedly.

[Fr_Chuck]

I would have to be worried if someone is look at the "time stamp" on a receipt that close to worry. Even if she was suppose to be working, and went shopping, she was shopping.
There are times when each person needs and wants some time alone, It sounds like she or both are very busy, and finding some time may be hard.

But yes, both man and women will tell small "lies" My wife and I have two homes in the city, one near my work, and one near her work, and spend a one to three days apart each week. Before we did that, we were almost going crazy, with rush and time demands.

Now... it sounds like you need to get back into counseling, for you, so talk them to, and if she does not have time, you go,

[Jake2008]

It really is a stupid little lie isn't it? She would know that you would eventually see the receipts, and realize that she went out shopping for some time to herself, but she probably just hoped to delay the inevitable, which would have been the reaction that you had.

Pick your battles is the first thing I want to say. Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill. Don't get your girdle in a knot because some very minor issue happened. What would you have done if she had taken an old flame out for lunch. This is very, very small potatoes, compared to what most people I think, would see as serious.

The best way to distance yourself from your wife, is to have her living in fear, or on the edge, of how you will react to a certain event. Particularly something that should have struck you as minor, and not worth mentioning. It is telling that she didn't tell you about such a minor thing because she didn't want you to be angry with her.

If she can't go shopping for a couple of hours, you aren't showing a lot of maturity, or trust, nor are you being reasonable. How will you regard something more serious?

Try to think of the bigger picture here, and see if you can't find better ways to work through the anxiety you've shown. Get a diary for instance, write it all out, and see how over the top your reaction was. Better still, write it out before you jump off the deep end.

Seek help with exploring new, better, and more effective ways of communicating with your wife. We are not all born good communicators, and learning is the way to go. I think you probably regret spinning over this, and you really don't have to.

I hope you try to learn a little bit more about yourself, so you can be a better, more confident person, and as a result, a better, more mature husband.

Best of luck.

[fixer145]

It really is a stupid little lie isn't it? She would know that you would eventually see the receipts, and realize that she went out shopping for some time to herself, but she probably just hoped to delay the inevitable, which would have been the reaction that you had.

Pick your battles is the first thing I want to say. Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill. Don't get your girdle in a knot because some very minor issue happened. What would you have done if she had taken an old flame out for lunch. This is very, very small potatoes, compared to what most people I think, would see as serious.

The best way to distance yourself from your wife, is to have her living in fear, or on the edge, of how you will react to a certain event. Particularly something that should have struck you as minor, and not worth mentioning. It is telling that she didn't tell you about such a minor thing because she didn't want you to be angry with her.

If she can't go shopping for a couple of hours, you aren't showing a lot of maturity, or trust, nor are you being reasonable. How will you regard something more serious?

Try to think of the bigger picture here, and see if you can't find better ways to work through the anxiety you've shown. Get a diary for instance, write it all out, and see how over the top your reaction was. Better still, write it out before you jump off the deep end.

Seek help with exploring new, better, and more effective ways of communicating with your wife. We are not all born good communicators, and learning is the way to go. I think you probably regret spinning over this, and you really don't have to.

I hope you try to learn a little bit more about yourself, so you can be a better, more confident person, and as a result, a better, more mature husband.

Best of luck.

Thank you! I really like the idea of starting a diary of sorts before addressing issues. I do realize now that I made a big deal out of something that could have been easily talked about.

Last night we were able to talk about everything together, and I told her how I felt. She said she understood, and that she knew I was trying by best. We both decided to set some new standards of our communication and what we expect of one another, and our reactions.

[J_9]

I was once married to a man like you with similar circumstances, so I can attest to her "lie." She "lied" to you because she knew what your reaction would be. You solidified her thoughts and feelings by acting exactly the same way she expected you to. Until you get a grip on your emotions, these "lies" will continue and she will find other ways to get some time for herself, more craftier ways, so that you don't find out.

If you want to stay married you need to learn how to deal with your emotions and be accepting of the fact that she needs some time for herself no matter how she chooses to spend her "me time.

Notice I said I USED ​to be married to a man who had similar reactions to similar situations. I divorced him.