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Sooo Confused · Aug 18, 2009, 02:22 PM

Hello:

I have known my boyfriend a little over 2 years, and we have been together for almost ten months. He was in a relationship with his ex-fiancee for ten years, and she went in to have surgery, and while she was recovering he dumped her. He said that he fell out of love with her two months prior to her surgery, (she had a hysterectomy), and they broke up. We had had conversations about hooking up, but I honestly never thought anything would come of it. Within a few weeks of their breakup, he and I got together, and within 2 months he moved in with me. I just recently found out that during the first two months of our relationship he was texting his ex, and slept with her twice, but he swears he is over her. I know she is over him, as we had had conversations about this. I took away his cellphone and made him close his Myspace and Facebook as he is going to have to earn my trust again. I was wondering if there is any hope in our relationship surviving? I was married to a drug abuser, and sadly he passed away in 05. I am asking the experts do you think this is a one time thing with him or would he cheat again? I love him very much and am so confused. I do wonder if this is my Karma?? Please help...

N0help4u · Aug 18, 2009, 03:11 PM

As long as he is seeing her he can fall prey to de ja vuing into the past and not considering the present since he has already shown he can't use self control.
Its not your karma it is his not committing to being faithful.
Really only time will tell if it was something he can leave in the past or not.

The more he communicates with her then more the odds may be that he will slip up again.

MsMewiththat · Aug 18, 2009, 03:23 PM

To me and in my opinion leaving someone when they are facing a surgery etc is a little rough. There is more to know here... what are your ages and was his reason for leaving her related to him wanting children etc... selfish yes, but perhaps he never stopped loving her. If you knowingly dated another one's man while she was ill and needed him most, in my opinion it is possible that you will face some karma. I believe in karma and in what comes around goes around.
You are also dealing with appears to me to be a selfish person.
I think it is time to move on he has already proven to you that his character is shaky in terms of putting others before himself. Could be bad! Watch your back...

talaniman · Aug 18, 2009, 04:12 PM

This has nothing to do with Karma, just some common sense communications, and honesty to get the facts to make a decision with. To many unanswered questions to be making a judgment about his character.

Within a few weeks of their breakup, he and I got together, and within 2 months he moved in with me.

That was moving to fast to do your homework, in my opinion.

I just recently found out that during the first two months of our relationship he was texting his ex, and slept with her twice

Okay he was cheating, but you both took some drastic steps really fast. Was he with her when you first met? Seems like it. He had to have some unresolved issues with her.

I took away his cell phone and made him close his Myspace and Facebook as he is going to have to earn my trust again

Gee mommy, did you put him in time out too? Really that was a real over reaction, unless you know they were still in contact. If not, that's your issue to deal with, but I can see where the trust was broken, and so will the relationship, until he can be trusted. Or at least you get beyond this to trust again. How is he doing with that?? Is he earning your trust?

s_cianci · Aug 18, 2009, 04:32 PM

I don't know much about "Karma." But it sounds like this situation is unhealthy. Look at the facts: he "dumps" his fiancée of 10 years while she recuperated from major surgery, then continues to text her and sleep with her. Then you "take away" his cell phone (how'd you manage that, anyhow ; are you his mother?) and "made" him close his Facebook and Myspace. Do you really expect him to respond in a teenage-like manner? What's to stop him from getting a new celllphone? And what's to stop him from opening new Myspace and Facebook accounts? You're not his mother and you can't treat him like a child. If you feel like you have to, then that right there should be telling you something.

MayfairLady · Aug 18, 2009, 04:55 PM

Have you an issue with emotionally unavailable men? Aka co-dependency?

amicon · Aug 18, 2009, 10:25 PM

Karma or not-this is not a healthy relationship-and he comes across as very unreliable and uncaring.

DXNPrakash · Aug 18, 2009, 10:57 PM

Dear When you talk about Karma, First you have to see what Dharma you are following, If you follow any Dharma, your life will not become Drama to you and the world around you, no Person or the situation can take control of you, no matter what ever the situation it was and will be.
"I love him very much and am so confused". The answer to this is you need a "True and Unconditional love" to get cured from the past Love from your Late husband. You need to strengthen your weak Emotion by some good Spiritual guidance though mingling with SathSang Group who are not selfish. I Shall guide you Truly in overcoming this situation gradually. You can send your contact detail.
"Let thy Light Shine Forth".

Sooo Confused · Aug 19, 2009, 06:28 AM

In answer to your questions, yes they were together when he and I started talking about getting together, but I was just chalking it up to harmless flirting. He is 38, his ex is 34, and I am 33. They both went through fertility, and he would have stayed with her even if there were no children, he just fell out of love with her. She just had a hard time accepting that their relationship was over, and sure he promised her he would be with her forever before she had the surgery, but couldn't she see the signs, that he was falling in love with me? We still all see each other at social gatherings, because her best friend is his cousin, as well as they share a Godchild. But really, I just want to make sure he will always be here for me the way he promises. And yes, we did move quickly, but I just think that is because we knew each other for so long before that, I don't think I am his rebound. I am not him mommy, however, I am not putting temptation in his way to cheat on me again, that is why I took his phone away, and made him close his accts. I have no issues with codependancy, I am a strong woman and will put up with nothing less than respect. He proclaims that he is in love with me, I believe he is, however can I get past this? He knew my past and the heartbreak I went through with my ex husband, why did he do this to me?

kctiger · Aug 19, 2009, 06:51 AM

There is a difference between karma and obvious facts. There are red flags everywhere. You can't expect to control his behavior anymore than he can control it.

Take away his phone, his accounts and his manhood and you still are left with signs. There are no guarantees in life, no matter how much you would like to protect yourself against things. In the end, nature always finds a way (free will in this case). Cheating isn't a matter of temptation, it is a matter of self control.

Unless you plan on locking him in a closet forever, I'm afraid there will never be a sense of security for you.

Sooo Confused · Aug 19, 2009, 06:58 AM

I really hope that he and I can get past this, maybe if I make him go to counseling to get help for his issues, he will be the man that I need him to be. I think he feels guilty about leaving his ex the way he did. I did tell him it was really cold, but he just wanted out. Sure the timing wasn't great, she was in early recovery of her hysterectomy, but he had to do what he had to do for us. In the end I am the better woman for him, I do believe it. I was hoping for some advice as to how I can get over this.

zippit · Aug 19, 2009, 07:23 AM

[QUOTE=Sooo Confused;1933169]
, maybe if I make him go to counseling
QUOTE]

You have a lot to learn about relationships
Take away his phone make him go to counseling
You CAN NOT change your partner
You can't make someone go to counseling it really shouldn't even be you that sujest it
He should be coming to you and saying I want to go to counseling if that is even what's needed
He only going to find ways around your little perimeters your trying to set
You need to go back look at the red flags and deal with them on a more mature level
I suggest YOU get the counseling

Sooo Confused · Aug 19, 2009, 07:37 AM

So Zippit, thanks for your words, I would not necessarily call them words of advice, since you seem to be attacking my character. I merely asked for advice on how I can overcome my feelings at this time. So tell me, have you been to counseling, because it seems to me that you enjoy belittling others to make yourself feel better, and maybe you may need some counseling YOURSELF! And he is more than willing to do anything he can to fix this, so if I did suggest counseling for him, he would go, so there you have it. I think I have answered my own question. Thanks for your NON ADVICE!

talaniman · Aug 19, 2009, 07:54 AM

I agree with the others, you do need to back up a bit, relax, and work on unpacking your own baggage, that has you reacting to something that happened long ago, (HIS cheating), by trying to control him, and make him behave as you want.

That's an over reaction, when talking calmly is your solution. Not taking away his toys, not MAKING him go to counseling. That's how you get beyond this, and make a foundation to build the trust back, and develop communications. That's how you resolve your issues together, by being honest, and talking AND LISTENING.

He went from her, to you, without healing himself, so he had obstacles to resolve in himself without you. You gave him an out, an option to being with her, he took it. Instead of healing from a 10 year relationship, you both moved to fast, as just because you know of each other, and flirted, you still have a lot to learn about each other.

Another thing to pay attention to, is the way, all of a sudden, you find that he cheated in the beginning, but you make no mention of it happening again, but you still chose to act impulsively, and in a very controlling way to it.

You need to get over that kind of reaction, and learn to talk out your fears, before you act on them, again, in a very calm way, so he can give you feedback, and support, and have a chance to put your fears to rest. Then you will be able to trust him more over time, and can deal with your fear and insecurities in a better way.

You can't just rush things, and build a relationship based on past hurts, needs, and issues, that's no way to solve your problems. You have to have enough trust to be able to let go of those negative feelings of the past, and build on the positive ones, so start by giving him his toys back!!! Then talk.

spitvenom · Aug 19, 2009, 07:54 AM

I would think he would have the bad Karma and not you. But you two have a lot to work on together. Obviously he broke your trust. I would imagine counseling would help gain your trust back. You have to be 100% sure he wants to go to counseling if he doesn't and you force him to go he is not going to get anything out of it.

Sooo Confused · Aug 19, 2009, 08:03 AM

Thank you Talaniman you gave me some sound advice, and I do know that I am a reactor rather than a thinker and I need to work on that. I have tried talking to him, and he is very remorseful, however, I can't keep thinking is he lying to me? Is he telling me the truth about his love for me, and about him being over his ex? I see the way he looks at her sometimes and I wonder if he is truly over her or he just feel guilty. He lives with me, so it is not like I can just throw him out and make him work on his feelings, as he would have noowhere to go. He depends on me and would not be able to make it alone, he told me this, and it is a fact regarding his past. So there is a lot of pressure on me.

talaniman · Aug 19, 2009, 08:30 AM

He depends on me and would not be able to make it alone, he told me this, and it is a fact regarding his past. So there is a lot of pressure on me.

How can you get love from dependence? You can't. That's why you feel the need to be in control, and give orders for his good behavior.

He really does need to be able to carry his own weight, and your not helping him do that at all.

Despite your defensive reaction to Zippit's suggestion for counseling, he was spot on, and I agree, you may need some guidance through your own issues, that are getting in the way of you both working together.

At the very least, letting go of so much control, and gain some trust back.

Sooo Confused · Aug 19, 2009, 08:40 AM

I really hate that part of him believe it or not, but I really do love him and he is a good guy despite his minor infraction in the beginning of our relationship, I know he loves me. His family is against him, that is why he is so dependent on me, they take the side of his ex, whom they see as a victim, however there are no victims here. They warned him that he would hurt her, because he has a history of that with her, she is weak in comparison to me. I love him very much, and will do all I can to make him into the person I know he can be. I have tried therapy, but all they do is push the fact that I am merely a rebound for him, but I feel like since we have been together ten months and known each other a few years, we are beyond that. But I will take into consideration the fact that we may have moved too quick, but I am not responsible for his actions only my own. But if he continues to live with me, and wanting to marry me, as this is leading to, then there are rules he needs to follow and one of them is NO CHEATING!

talaniman · Aug 19, 2009, 08:58 AM

I agree with the rebound idea 100%, as he has skipped a very important part of his development. His being able to stand on his own two feet, and depend on himself. That will always make him dependent on someone, and that's you.

then there are rules he needs to follow and one of them is NO CHEATING!

That begs me to ask, what are his rules for you??

Sooo Confused · Aug 19, 2009, 09:01 AM

So you feel that I am his rebound? I would understand if we were together just a little time, and he dumped me, but he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. And he has no rules for me, as I never cheated on anyone to be with him, he did not cheat on his ex with me, we were merely talking. The relationship was over long before we started up anything. I never thought we would be anything more than friends, but sometimes God gives us gifts, and I got him and I am very happy with him. Maybe he was just confused at first when we got together, but I would say that he is over his ex, and their relationship.