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AA1111 · Oct 12, 2004, 01:46 PM

My boyfriend has been experiencing some kind of psychological conflict for more than 1 year. Whenever he increases his love to me, his fear of losing me to another man increases.
Last year, his psychological conflict made him misunderstand me a lot. For example, when he saw a tiny sign related to his fear, he would think that it was TRUE I left him to another man. Then, I patiently explained and proved to him that it was not true. So, he calmed down temporarily. Then, the next time he saw a tiny sign related to his fear again, he reacted the same. Situations liked that happened over and over.
Obviously, what I was doing didn’t work to him.
This year, probably, he wanted to face his fear also. He asked his friends to help. He and his friends created a situation where I had a chance to meet with a male stranger. That strange tried to get me to be his girlfriend or have sex with him. I rejected him. He satisfied with my reaction. So, he calmed down temporarily. But, when he wanted to commit more to our relationship, his fear came back. Then, he asked his friends to help him again. Of course, he sent different friend to play that male stranger role each time. That “role-playing test” happened 4 times. It helped him a little bit, but still not being able to help him conquer his fear.
After all, I have out of options! Right now, I don’t know what else I can do to help him!
He is a niece guy. When I had a difficult time years ago, he helped me go through it and didn't give up on me. So, I really want to help him on this!

Could someone give me some advices on how to solve my boyfriend’s psychological conflict? I’d appreciate it!

elrp2 · Oct 14, 2004, 09:48 AM

He just has to learn to trust you when you say you want to be with him and no one else. If he doesn't trust you then what is this relationship based on?

bellbox · Oct 14, 2004, 12:13 PM

You may need to encourage him to seek help from a psychiatrist or therapist. While a diagnosis is not possible from a description, some of his behavior suggests that he may be suffering from some sort of anxiety disorder or delusional disorder of the jealous type. At the very least, this is not a healthy relationship if he feels the need to constantly 'test' you with other men, and makes me believe that you can't help him; sooner or later you are going to need to face that. If he doesn't trust you enough to stay faithful to him and doesn't fully believe you when you try to explain these things to him, he's not going to be able to fully accept your help either. You also need to realize that this will not get better on its own, and that at this point, you really need the outside help of a professional.

I need to add that the probability of physical abuse, suicide, and homicide increases significantly over time for situations such as this, especially if your boyfriend is suffering from some form of metal illness. Although it may be very hard for you to do, please do yourself a favor and get him to go visit a mental health professional, even if it means leaving him if he doesn't. You could be saving your own life.

***Note: The above should not be construed to diagnose any medical condition or as medical advice.***

artistall · Oct 14, 2004, 01:30 PM

There are many underlying complexities involved with your boyfriends behavior many of which stem from early childhood. What you must understand is that you will most likely never be able to change his behavior and the role playing games are merely a smoke screen for what seems to be a deeply rooted psychological imbalance. I certainly would agree with the previous advice given as to the dangers associated with this relationship. You may not be able to detect the subtle signs that reveal any danger due to your own emotional attachment. However, what should be most obvious to you is that he does not trust you at all. That is why he sets up these role play scenarios in which he hopes to catch you and thereby validate his suspicions of you which seem to be less than respectable. These behaviors are not uncommon but if left unchecked they can lead to disastrous results for both of you! Of course there are numerous bits of information needed here to draw firm conclusions, therefore evaluation and advice can only be based on conjecture. I for one would like to know the age level we are talking about here. On the surface is would seem that your boyfriend needs counseling and my advice to you is find another boyfriend and allow this one to find himself. If he cannot understand himself then he will never be able to understand you.

Dreamer · Oct 15, 2004, 01:07 AM

AA11,

Sweetie, I need you to do me a favor and be honest with yourself - do you love this man? Are you happy? Perhaps it is time that you sit down and write the pros & cons on a sheet of paper and really get a feel for what is going on here.

This man needs to be happy and secure with himself before he can effectively be in any relationship. I am not by any means saying that he does not love you, but he has to understand that with love comes trust and understanding. I don't know about understanding, but he is definitely lacking in the trust department. I would not even begin to suggest what type of medical treatment he needs, but I can almost bet that his family history has not been good. Somewhere along the line he has been deeply hurt and betrayed, causing these actions as an adult. The only way he can heal is to seek out professional help. You can continue to be there for him and support him during his times of need, as he did for you when you needed it, but he has to help himself first before he is able to overcome these fears.

He is carrying around something so deep inside of him. I'm sure that medication of some form, or even some deep therapy would be very beneficial to him in so many ways. But he can't do this alone because he probably doesn't believe that he has a problem. He probably doesn't see his behavior as being destructive, but it is. Do you really want to live your life with this man when he is constantly testing how faithful you are to him? It isn't fair to you, no matter how much you love him and vice versa.

Encourage him to get help and maybe even suggest a few ideas, whether it be you going with him or just finding a spot where you think he might be comfortable talking about his past experiences. And if he decides that he doesn't need it, then consult your emotions and feelings. Look at YOUR situation and your situation alone. Set aside how it will effect other people (it's not selfish of you, it's just taking care of you)... and get a feel for what will be best for you in the long-term. Can you be happy with him the way he is? Can you accept his lack of trust? If not, then you might want to consider making him just a friend. I know, it's easier said than done, but we have to look out for ourselves sometimes too. Believe me sweetie, I've been there.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope that he decides to get help to subside some of his fears.

barathboy · Mar 16, 2007, 09:56 AM

Originally Posted by AA1111

My boyfriend has been experiencing some kind of psychological conflict for more than 1 year. Whenever he increases his love to me, his fear of losing me to another man increases.
Last year, his psychological conflict made him misunderstand me a lot. For example, when he saw a tiny sign related to his fear, he would think that it was TRUE I left him to another man. Then, I patiently explained and proved to him that it was not true. So, he calmed down temporarily. Then, the next time he saw a tiny sign related to his fear again, he reacted the same. Situations liked that happened over and over.
Obviously, what I was doing didn’t work to him.
This year, probably, he wanted to face his fear also. He asked his friends to help. He and his friends created a situation where I had a chance to meet with a male stranger. That strange tried to get me to be his girlfriend or have sex with him. I rejected him. He satisfied with my reaction. So, he calmed down temporarily. But, when he wanted to commit more to our relationship, his fear came back. Then, he asked his friends to help him again. Of course, he sent different friend to play that male stranger role each time. That “role-playing test” happened 4 times. It helped him a little bit, but still not being able to help him conquer his fear.
After all, I have out of options! Right now, I don’t know what else I can do to help him!
He is a niece guy. When I had a difficult time years ago, he helped me go through it and didn't give up on me. So, I really want to help him on this!

Could someone give me some advices on how to solve my boyfriend’s psychological conflict? I’d appreciate it!

Well as a boy all I can say is most of the boys don't like to see their loved ones even talk to another boy...
But what you can do is be close to him always and apprciate him in all his works and often show your love to him by your own way...

d1doherty · Oct 27, 2008, 09:34 PM

Here are two things you and your boyfriend can use to explore your relationship and hopefully dissolve the root of his irrational fear. These are only appropriate if it is not a mental health issue.

Time Line Therapy.net-Change Your Life Quickly, Easily & Comforatbly is individual therapy that helps you look back to the root of early life situations that you may have forgotten and to "heal them"

Landmark Education: Seminars, Courses & Landmark Forum is a large group "conversation" to help you explore the structure of your character and to accept it.

In peace...