[SuperFudd]

Backround information: I met a girl about a year ago. She's beautiful and we hit it off really well. We ended up sleeping together the first night and she was the very first girl I'd ever had stay the entire night. She was also the first girl I've ever had a sexual RELATIONSHIP with. I wasn't a virgin before her, but they'd all been one-night stands and such, nothing lasting and none of which I was in a relationship with. Anyway, within a few days we were officially together and sleeping together almost every night. About 2 weeks in though, she broke up with me and I found out why after I got back together with her. A friend of hers had come into town and she ended up sleeping with him (on my birthday no less). I stayed with her convincing myself that we were broken up at the time so it wasn't technically cheating. Well from then on, we had it rough. She's an incredibly sexy girl and knows how to use it well. Whenever I was away from her, I was wondering what she was doing. I read her text messages a few times and never found anything. I'd always confess afterwards because I felt horribly guilty. Then it happened again. I broke up with her one night and within the hour she slept with her ex b/f. I went back to her again and after hearing what had happened convinced myself that we were broken up and it wasn't cheating. Things got worse. She's in the Army National Guard and I'm in the Air National Guard. We had our Drill Weekends a lot of times separately, but she would have to stay the entire weekend where I got to come home every night. She had told me before about her "sex buddies" down there when we first started dating. She swore it ended, but it nearly killed me every time she went down there, thinking she was sleeping with one of them. I convinced myself one weekend that she was, so then I called up a girl I knew and brought her over for a one-night stand. The next week, she cheated on me for real with a couple we knew. I caught her red-handed and she couldn't deny it. But I confessed having done it first and she forgave me and I felt almost obligated to forgive her. After that, I felt like I couldn't trust her. I would read her texts and get off work early to show up randomly to her house to "surprise" her but I was really trying to catch her. We got engaged and things didn't improve. We were breaking up and getting back together. I had all my friends telling me it was a horrible relationship, I had my family telling me it was too. I would break up with her and then couldn't be without her. Every time I saw her, everything I'd felt about us not being right for each other went right out the window. I couldn't live without her. And then she got activated and was being deployed to Afghanistan. I thought, this is my chance to break free. A forced separation. She wanted to get married before she left, but I told her that I didn't trust her over here for a year without me, and that I didn't want to start a marriage alone for a year. So she left and for a little while I felt all right. Then I started emailing her and she started calling me. And then I got activated and deployed to a different base in Afghanistan. Here I am 50 miles away from her but not allowed to see her, it was killing me. I had found out her email password and myspace password not long before she left and I'd forgotten about it until I got deployed. I started using it to see how often she got on the computer and if she'd gotten to read my messages. Then I started reading other messages people were sending her. But one morning about 3 days ago I came across what I'd really been looking for. An email confirming she was in fact sleeping with someone else. It was a graphic email telling her how much this guy enjoyed having sex with her and her stripping for him and such. It was the kind of email I'd sent to her before. I shut down. I didn't know how to deal with it, deal with someone else writing some of the same things that I'd said to her. I couldn't help but picture this guy with her, and both of them laughing at me as they had sex. I almost killed myself. I wrote her and told her everything and that I didn't know if I was going to be able to make it. About the time I finished the email, someone showed up to my shop where I was working and just happened to want to stay for the rest of my shift. He didn't know he really saved my life. Well she told her lieutenant about my suicide threat and it eventually got over to my base where I was found later that day. I've been seeing a therapist here, but it helps to talk about it with as many people as possible. I've been ordered to go home as well.

My question is why. Why did I go back to this girl? What was it about her that I needed so much? Why am I still secretly admitting to myself that if she emailed me to apologize or whatever, that I'd say, well we weren't technically together and take her back? What makes me so crazy that I have to check her email and things like that? She's the first girl I've gone that far with my trust issues, but not the first time I've mistrusted beyond what was actually necessary and healthy. My therapist mentioned co-dependency but I'm not sure I understand. I just want help. I want to not get so crazy. What can I do to not let this happen again? This is the most serious I've ever been like this, but it's not the first time I've had symptoms like this. Not being able to let go. Not being able to trust. Always apologizing and coming back after an argument or something. I don't like the way I am, but I don't know how to change. I hate being alone and stuff. My friends tell me that you just have to not care what girls think. Be an to them and they come running they say. I've seen it work, but I'm just not that way. It's not the way I was raised and I can't do it. I just want to change myself so I don't get so attached so quick and hurt myself physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually over a girl. Anyway, sorry this is so long, I've got little else to do but type on the internet until I go home in a few days.

[mecmec]

You have this idyllic fantasy about what you expect and want from a relationship. Its not wrong but when things happen that changes your perception or expectations of what seems and what is or what you think it should be like, you beat yourself up about it and think its because your you, and you deserve it. Its like when you imagine your dream house and you get it but then you discover that the walls are damp... or there are problems with the plumbing (a lame metaphor but I hope you understand). You have to stop giving yourself a hard time, true you had trust issues with this girl but that's not your fault... she went off with someone else!! anybody would feel that way, I would anyway. I think your main problem really is yourself esteem is low and you are afraid that she will find someone that's better than you, The only reason you think this is because your confidence is down. I think she uses sex to forget about stuff going on in her head... like for example every time ye broke up she dealt with it by going off with someone. Everybody handles things the wrong way, you sound like a nice guy, who's sensitive and a gentleman who expexts to be treated the way you treat people. Don't be giving yourself such a hard time!! jeeze lueeez life is too short, focus on the good things about yourself and not on the bad.

[clarityseeker]

Hey SuperFudd, sorry to hear about how things went down. I have very similar patterns as you with women, in terms of falling for ones who are dazzling and exciting but who I can never fully trust. Which of course leads in the end to disaster.

I'm starting to discover that it's a brave new world out there where there are both male and female players. My ex, for example, I now realize was a player. And your description of yours makes me think she was a player. And the thing about players is that they're keenly aware of how to pull you into their reality and dazzle you. And they're not necessarily evil or malicious in their intentions - actually, the best may have developed naturally into those characters to hide low self-esteem or to deal with a strong fear of rejection or feelings of worthlessness. But I think they're just characters, role-playing, always in control, always wanting to be chased, always wanting to seduce, always craving attention of the opposite sex, and willing to play with people's hearts to keep that attention constant. And although they may say just enough to keep you addicted/hooked on them and to keep you wondering, they can't really do the things that a real relationship needs. They always win, because they're always just out of reach. And the most frustrating thing is that to stay with them, you have to be extremely emotionally distant yourself, because their attitude and actions, although often refined, subtly give you the urge to chase, check, wonder, etc. When I read your comment about how she'd talked about her "sex buddies", let me guess, she had a big playful smile on her face when she told you that? Yeah, my ex told me with a big playful grin about how she'd played "oral sex games" with a mutual friend of ours. They make it seem innocent through their dazzle and charm, but don't be fooled by the charismatic smile. It's not wrong that things like that make you feel insecure. My ex told me in an offhand way about how she'd "dry-humped" a guy in the elevator at her work, and when I called her the next day to tell her it bothered me, she sighed, chastised me for thinking it "meant anything", and proceeded to tell me how she couldn't "baby me through the relationship." I did as you did - apologized for being so silly, blah blah blah. And, yes, this pattern repeated itself. And then you become weaker and weaker in their eyes, which plays itself out in your interactions, which makes you wonder more, and which you blame on yourself every time, not realizing that... you're getting plaaaaayed. That's what getting played is. I didn't know what "getting played" really meant until I experienced it - you have to think about what it really means, forget the abstract "label" and think about how it takes place in reality. Well, it's happening to you and it happened to me. I went through a lengthy "player" period myself actually after the end of an engagement a while back, and I think about how I acted. I was deceitful, I was cowardly, I was withholding, I was ambiguous, I kept everyone at arm's length... and recently I realized, holy s--t, that describes a lot of how my ex acted while she was with me and/or when she ended things with me. Anyway, man, sorry for the long response, it's just that your post reminded me a looooot of the kind of girl I was dealing with, and I thought I'd offer some thoughts on why you might be feeling the way you do. Because I felt that way too, and still do from time to time. Stay strong bud.

[SuperFudd]

I don't know... I guess I just want someone to WANT to be with me you know? And to show it. I don't know what it is about me that can't let go.

[SuperFudd]

i think your main problem really is your self esteem is low and you are afraid that she will find someone thats better than you

You have noooooo idea how much I worry about that. I've never had a great opinion of myself. I try and act like it sometimes but I always fall right back into my old ways. Constantly worrying about different things. It never helped me much that she posted a sex survey on her blog and one of her "sex buddies" was written as TIED with me for greatest sex ever. And then for full weekends at a time she'd be away down there and could do whatever (or whomever I guess) she wanted. God I hate myself. I'm STILL trippin over this girl!

[SuperFudd]

always wanting to be chased, always wanting to seduce, always craving attention of the opposite sex

ALWAYS man. It didn't matter where we were. We could be at a party and she'd walk up to guys and put her arm around them and stuff like that. She did it to my best friend and he told me it made him uncomfortable. She's that crazy girl who will do anything for the attention of the group. She once told me that on a TDY down to Louisiana that it rained for a week straight, so she got topless and made out with another girl in front of most of her platoon for "morale" reasons.

But what I need to know is. How do I keep myself from getting so crazy over a girl? How do I stop myself from puttin too much of me into these things and just getting hurt over and over again?

[clarityseeker]

But what I need to know is. How do I keep myself from getting so crazy over a girl? How do I stop myself from puttin too much of me into these things and just getting hurt over and over again?

First of all, that "morale" thing that she decided to plague your thoughts with sounds exaaaactly like something my ex would do. My ex would tell me about how she could feel guys at her office get hard when she hugged them if they were having a bad day. She would act out how guys at her office would check out her as she was walking away. Or how guys would "get nervous" when she went to their office to talk to them. She would tell me about how she told her guy friends that she was going to get a "special wax" that day after work. And then she would say to me with a big sheepish yet playful smile -"I just can't help myself - I'm too honest! I can't censor myself!" And then you think "oh, she's so different and exciting and such a free spirit." And she is, but she's also destined to make you miserable with her emotional games so that she stays in control.

But to get back to your question, I ask the same one myself. I think, first of all, you've got to be conscious of taking it slower, even though I know how intoxicating the feeling is for things to happen quickly. The problem is these player girls pull you in quickly, which in and of itself feels dramatic and romantic, which feels like passion, and then quickly feels like love "because it happened so fast." But from my experience it turns out to be not what it seems because you really didn't give yourself a chance to find out who their true self is. You just saw their dazzling act. This happened with my ex. You feel the urge to push forward at a rate far out of proportion from how well you really know her. And that's because their charm gives you the illusion that you've known them far longer than you have. I remember my ex actually saying things like that to me and me agreeing with them. Give them a chance to deal with relationship stress and observe how they handle it with an objective mind.

In the end, I think the key for guys like me and you is to stick to girls who are fun and energetic but who value loyalty through their actions and words and who we feel in our gut that we can genuinely handle and trust. Because there's always going to be girls who feel one-of-a-kind and dazzling but they're often too good to be true and you find that out the hard way. I think you're starting to find that out firsthand but haven't yet accepted it.

[SuperFudd]

I think, first of all, you've got to be conscious of taking it slower, even though I know how intoxicating the feeling is for things to happen quickly.

Heh, my parents have always said one of my biggest faults was patience. I don't know, I guess I want that spark you know? Everyone always describes when they meet that person they just KNOW! And then everything falls into place and blah dee blah... paradise! I'm too much of a hopeless romantic and want my fairy tale. Lol I'm sounding like a girl now but it's true. I want to meet the right one and fall madly in love and never look back. Am I just looking too hard? Am I trying to see things that aren't there?

[jshelton]

Man. It makes me cringe to read your story. That is EXACTLY the relationship I had with my ex. I always found a way to explain away her cheating. Telling myself, because we had broken up just hours before, that it was OK she had slept with this guy or that. She made me feel like a million dollars when I was with her. Guys would always say how gorgeous she was and wonder how I ever got a girl like that. I always kept coming back to her. And it destroyed myself esteem. I started all the same things, checking her phone and email. Sometimes trying to follow her secretly to see if she was lying and cheating again. It absolutely killed me. You need to get away from this girl. It will only get worse. I stayed with mine for 3 years. And the more I found out, the crazier it made me that she could do the things she did and still lie to my face about it. In my mind, I made every excuse I could to try to believe her constant lies. I even found a used condom that wasn't mine and she lied to my face that she had sex with someone and said it was just an old one she was playing with. Heck, I went so crazy as to get the junk in it analyzed and send her the photos from the microscope, proving that it wasn't just spermicide, and still she lied and denied it. It was absolutely toxic. I still hurt over it a year + since it ended, but I know every day it was the best decision I ever made. She does it to her knew guy now and I see this is how she acts. All in told, I think she cheated on the order of 20+ times on me. Meanwhile, I was 100% devoted and faithful. There for her whenever she needed and walked on like a doormate. You are not alone man. You need to end it and end it now. Don't ever talk to her again, don't let her manipulate you anymore. And I so know what you are saying, they use their sexy ways to drag you back, and we feel that we want to, because we like it, but we don't like them, and we know it won't stop. Move on, there are better people out there. Not all girls act like this. She is immature, mean, or mentally ill. I am guessing for the last. She probably had a very traumatic childhood and uses sex to demonstrate her self worth. She needs to attention to feel good about herself and is unable to consider what she is doing to you. You don't need that. I know it will feel impossible, but you need to break free. It will take a long time, I am not going to lie, to feel better, but it will get better, trust me.

[PixieMama]

Well, she gave you reason not to trust her. You caught her cheating. And not just once. Co-dependancy may be a part of it but I think insecurity might be a bigger part of it. Through therapy, learn how to ween the co-dependancy thing and build up yourself esteem! I swear that not all females are like that, though many are. But for now, work on yourself. Once you like who you are and you have self confidence and self esteem, you'll attract the kind of females that would be good for you. If that's you in your icon - you aren't a bad looking fella and shouldn't have any troubles getting the ladies. Just take this time to work on you.

GOOD LUCK! :)

[SuperFudd]

She is immature, mean, or mentally ill. I am guessing for the last. She probably had a very traumatic childhood and uses sex to demonstrate her self worth.

Wow... and I didn't even mention it. She was molested numerous times as a child by one of her mother's husbands. And she's only 19.

You know I said it before but... why is it that I feel like I could go back to her? Why is it that I can totally put all of my feelings aside for her? Why can I swallow the pain and take her back? WHY AM I SO SCREWED UP!! Lol

[clarityseeker]

You know I said it before but...why is it that I feel like I could go back to her? Why is it that I can totally put all of my feelings aside for her? Why can I swallow the pain and take her back? WHY AM I SO SCREWED UP!?!? lol

Because she's got you under her spell. And the spell that she casts on you is stronger than the one you cast on her so she controls you emotionally. And the reason her spell is stronger than yours is because she's less willing than you to open up and be vulnerable because of her past trauma. It's sad, because girls like her love the fantasy world and the falling-in-love part and so they strongly attract guys like you and me who are into the falling-fast romantic thing too. But I think they want to stay in the fantasy world, because once things become too real, their trust issues with men from their family past kick in, and they turn the other way. Which, of course, makes you want them more. It sucks in the end for both parties concerned. Again, it's sad, because she's toxic, which is mostly not her fault, but her being too hot to handle makes you want her more. Sigh.

[SuperFudd]

And the reason her spell is stronger than yours is because she's less willing than you to open up and be vulnerable because of her past trauma. .

So harden up my heart and don't let them in as much?

If that's you in your icon - you aren't a bad looking fella and shouldn't have any troubles getting the ladies.

Lol, yes it's me and I'd think you were right too... but unfortunately not, but thanks anyway.

[SuperFudd]

I appreciate all your responses. I've been going through this thing a long time, and I've heard most of the thoughts before. But it always helps to hear them again (and again and again and again). It's gotten me through another day knowing that I'm doing the right thing and having people tell me so. Please keep commenting if you want to, but it's way past my bed time over here and I have to be up in 4 hrs. I'll comment back tomorrow. Thanks all.

[dymndgirl]

You really need to think about how many times this girl is going to keep breaking your heart.. It is not worth the pain.. In the past having my ex-husband leave and not coming home for days and when he came back it was " I am sorry" , "won't do it again" and then as time went on it happened again and again.. Like an idiot I kept accepting the apologies.. I got tired of getting sick wondering where her was, who he was with.. I finally gave up on him filed for divorce.. Now I have finally met someone whom respect me and my children.. my aunt told me " one day love will find you when you least expect it" you know what she was right.. you are a young man and there are plenty of women ou the who will one day find you when you least expect it.. From what you have wrote she has been with many men and while you are keeping away from her you are keeping yourself disease free.. I hate to say this but you never who she has been with and what past they have.. I would advise to keep away and wait for that one love to find you.

[talaniman]

I'm glad your in therapy and I'm sure you know your covering up deep emotional feelings with sex and basing yourself esteem on having sex. From what you wrote you ran into another who has issues and deals with it the same as you do but was much more in control as you fell so fast for her you thought it was love and never stopped or slowed down to examine your own feelings. Please for your own good leave the ladies alone for a while so you can resolve all the other issues you have and get focused on you and shed this façade you've built that has you seeing the world through some very skewed perspectives. Sex is the easy way to love and the most powerful, but real feelings come to the surface and are much harder to understand and only through knowing who you are and what you want and what really makes you happy can you regain the confidence that you've lost in yourself and learn the other sides of your personality that have been suppressed for who knows how long. This will not be a quick fix but a long process of finding out about you and your issues and how to reconcile with yourself all you've been through. It starts with leaving the ladies alone and dealing with you. A therapist will help you through this so I hope you stay with it and good luck.