[danagonzo]

I'm have a very akward situation. My youngest (21) sister is pregnant. She's the youngest of three girls and is the first to have a child. When she was only 2 months pregnant her best friend (19) said she wanted to throw the baby shower, which is fine. I know that customary the family members of the mother-to-be shouldn't throw the shower, but we (my other sister and mom) are really excited about the new addition to our family and want to help out.

The best friend has asked to have the shower at my mom's house which of course my mom said OK. We all asked the best friend if we can help out and she said yes. But whenever we ask to help with anything, the best friend says she has it handled. The best friend has an 18 month old daughter herself and we all know that handling a shower all by yourself is hard work (let alone taking care of an 18 month old as well). Finally, the best friend said that I can mail out the invitations and that I can get the prizes for the games.

The shower is in one month and I was constantly e-mailing the best friend wanting to know when I could pick up the invitations to mail them out with plenty of notice. This weekend she dropped them off at her mom's house (who is also my mom's neighbor) and when I got them they were all sealed up. So of course we opened one up to read it and #1 - she didn't include where my sister is registered at #2 - she spelled my last name wrong and #3 - she didn't include my other sister as being involved in the shower (she only put down herself, my mom and me). So I had to open them all up anyway to include where my sister is registered and while I was at it I added my other sister to the included list. But as I was opening them I found that she had spelled my name wrong three different ways and on another invitation she only wrote down the street # for the shower location and nothing else. So now I'm really thankful I opened them all up to make sure they were correct.

Another issue is that the best friend wanted to make cupcakes instead of getting a cake and my sister said OK because she didn't want to hurt her friends feelings and finally my sister fessed up that she didn't want cupcakes so we told the best friend no on that. Now the best friend won't respond to anybody. We've e-mailed her several times on what games she has planned and what food she is going to have and she is just basically ignoring us all.

We're all getting a bit fed up with her but don't know what to do and don't want to be rude to her. At this point since the best friend won't respond to any of us, we (my mom and sisters and I) are all basically planning the shower as if the best friend isn't involved. If the best friend was having the shower at her own mom's house, the situation would be completely different and we wouldn't feel the need to be so involved (even though we want to be) but since it's at my mom's house, she (my mom) has every right to know exactly what's going.

Any advise?

[Myth]

Have you talked to your sister about all this? Have the invitations been sent out? Honestly I would let the friend make her mistakes and maybe throw a second shower with your sister and your mom doing the planning. I would be fed up too... I am currently preggy with twins and due in sept... I could only wish my family were close enough to throw me a shower and have it done right. Forget tradition, do it yourself. I am thinking of doing my shower myself at this point though it's not tradition and I plan on having it coed because it takes two to make a baby. Anyway, talk to your sister*preggy* and explain that she can have her shower bomb or she can put her foot down and say that either you tell my family what's going on or they can throw the shower. As far as I can see she needs to at least keep you guys in the loop and is being selfish in not doing so... just my opinion though

[Catseyes]

I agree with Myth.
The friend wants to get all the attention because she's supposedly organizing the shower. Then she should also get all the attention for the mistakes.
If she's ignoring you now, then send her an email with a receipt notice saying that as she doesn't keep you informed, you and your sister ( if she agrees ) consider her involvement and presence no longer desirable.
See how she reacts now.

Also, I would'nt care about what the tradition says ( about the family not organizing the shower ). It's just a way to have a party for your sister,a and enjoy some time together. Who cares if you are organizing it?

[danagonzo]

Thanks Myth & catseyes. Myth, I have talked to my sister (preggy) and she is fed up as well. She told her best friend that we (her family) want to help and her best friends response was "well I'm a do it myself kinda gal".

The invitations have already gone out and I know everybody invited won't be able to attend another shower. My sister (preggy) and her best friend have been friends since early elementary school and I know my preggy sister doesn't want to hurt her friends feelings, but on the other hand she's really upset that her best friend is making everybody else so angry. I don't want to add fuel to the fire because I don't want my preggy sister to get all worked up over this, because this is her special day, but her friend is being completely unreasonable and selfish. Catseyes, I agree the best friend wants all the attention and credit for the shower and is trying to make this all about her and not my sister.

My mom, other sis and I are already making back up plans, which I'm sure we'll need when the best friend makes a fool of herself, but at this point I'm about ready to just tell the best friend that we're taking over. I hate to be rude as well or upset others, but my sister is more important than her friend.

[valinors_sorrow]

You are very fortunate its taking place at your house and with that comes some responsibility too.

I think this is a good time to stand your ground for the sake of your sister's well being. Take over the shower with a clear conscience. Politely close rank on the friend making trouble - your sister does not deserve that.

Absolutely and graciously let the friend know you have all the details handled - call her if possible or email if not. Sincerely thank her for her contributions up to this point. Inform her that she is now basically a welcomed guest, a guest who was caring enough to think up having this wonderful shower and who graciosuly made the invitations (yes give her a little more credit than is due here, you can afford to and it goes a long way to sooth the ruffled feathers).

Politely draw a line to her like this: "You are more than welcome at this shower as our guest, but any sign of unwarrranted disagreement will cause us to revoke the invitation. It is after all the soon-to-be-mother's day so let's all focus on her happiness."

Do not discuss further any details of the ruckus, with anyone.

Its clear, diplomatic and ultimately protects your sister, which is the only point to consider in any of this. Lets hope the disgruntled friend backs down and if she shows up and acts up, escort her to the door. I know its sad to have to take such measures but sometimes its how it goes.

As to whether you run this plan by your pregnant sister beforehand, is your call entirely. I hope this was helpful.

[Myth]

Keep us posted on how it goes hun... We've got ideas if you need to brain storm somewhere safe.