[takiton]

We have been dating almost a year now. When we first started dating, she admitted that she had a crush on me years ago because I never chased her around (like most guys do).
I have dated a decent amount of people, but this is my first proper relationship (not long distance, longer than a few months, etc.) We were laying in bed and she told me that girls should always date a step down so that the guy appreciates her. In almost a year, I never thought of myself as a step down looks wise. I have even dated girls who by conventional standards are hotter than she is. Granted, I'm not Johnny Depp, but I have never thought of any girl being "out of my league", unless they own their own jet or something.

What bothers me isn't that I think I'm less attractive, it's that she thinks I am. I have seen pictures of some of her exes and I'm better looking than they are (I'm not conceited, I promise). She also rummages through my cell phone all the time (I have nothing to hide, but sometimes I don't let her look through it based on principle). She has accused me of being a flirt, but then encourages me to flirt in front of her because she doesn't want me hiding anything. I don't even flirt, I'm friendly, that's it. This relationship is so strange, one day she will say I'm not being romantic enough, another day she will say I'm not being mean enough and other days she will accuse me of being insensitive (when I tease her). She has serious anxiety issues (crying when on the spot, getting stressed out over very minor things like being out of cat food) and I feel like I have to walk on egg shells so that she doesn't flip out. When we do argue (when I can't take it anymore), she shuts down and gives up.

She still talks to her most recent ex (admittedly only a few times in this past year) and I simply tell her that I don't like it, but I trust her. She has accused me of having crushes on work friends (whom she has met twice and is married and 10 years my senior). She goes out with her friends every once in a while and disappears until 3 or 4 in the morning and then calls me (waking me up) to pick her up (which I sometimes don't because I'm so disgusted by this behavior). I told her she is testing my trust too much and she accuses me of being controlling even though I feel like she is the controlling one.

I broke up with her once over all this and she showed up at my house the next night with pre-made dinner and asked if we could just forget about everything and move on. I agreed, but the problems aren't changing.

I know this relationship needs to end, but can someone tell me what this girl's deal is. Last night she told me she wants to have my children (she talks about "our" future a lot), but she is not acting like wife material in my eyes. I have tried talking to her as an adult on several occasions. I've said that she seems like she needs to sow her oats a bit more and I'm OK with that, just don't drag me along for the ride. She responded by telling me I'm insecure. She's not all bad. She has a very big heart and honestly is one of the funniest people I have ever met, but I've already partied enough in my life. I've been unattached throughout my early twenties. I have seen the bars, clubs, drugs, parties and random hook ups enough for a lifetime. She seems to have always had a boyfriend and I fear that they have allowed her to become this half in half out girlfriend (committed, but acting single sometimes). Do I need to relax, or is she a nut?

[justcurious55]

It sounds like maybe you two are just at two totally different places in your lives. I have to ask, is there an age gap? Sometimes things just aren't meant to be. That may be the case here. It doesn't sound like you two are communicating well. You both seem to want different things in your lives right now. And that's OK. But it might be time to end things before either of you gets any deeper in this relationship. The fact that you said yourself it needs to end makes me think the sooner the better.

[takiton]

I want to add that the ups and downs are so drastic that I feel like I'm crazy. One day, she will spend 6 hours cooking dinner for me, give me a massage and other nice perks, help me clean my house (on her hands and knees scrubbing away). The next day she will tell me that I'm annoying her. It is literally way up and way down. She said she has depression problems, but does that account for this craziness. I do love her and the good days make me want to propose tomorrow, but then tomorrow comes and I want to take a vacation without her.

I don't date little girls justcurious. We are both 25.

We both want to have a family. She wants one tomorrow, I'd like to wait a few years. However, I feel like I'm the mature one.

[justcurious55]

Wow. I never accused you of dating little girls. For all I know she could have just turned 21 and you could have only been 2 or 3 years older. And her wanting a family tomorrow and you wanting to wait a few years seems to me like you are both at different places in your lives. There's nothing wrong with you wanting to wait. But there's also nothing wrong with her wanting to start a family sooner. Now, reading what you added, I'll add that if you truly love her maybe the two of you should seek couples counseling together so that you two can learn to communicate your feelings better. You said you've been together for a year now, if you haven't figure out how to do that yet on your own well, you're probably not going to ever be able to without a little help.

[takiton]

I'm just venting so bear with me. There are other things too. She has suggested we elope twice now. I told her I'd need at least another year with her before I would rush into marriage. It's not that I don't love her, I just don't want to be one of those 30 something divorcées. She thinks I'm uptight and I think she is incredibly impulsive.

[takiton]

She will absolutely not see a counselor for anything, I promise that. She thinks the only person worthy of helping her is Jesus. Why would a girl who wants kids tomorrow party until 4 am with her friends. Maybe she's just letting loose, or maybe she will run away when the kids get too stressful. I can't tell.

[takiton]

BTW, she accuses me of being uptight, but also tells me that I'm her rock and I make her feel safe. Can't you see how crazy this is? I'm stable and deliberate and she loves that about me, but then resents me for it. I'm not a total bore, I have surprised her a few times, but life long decisions are not something I will rush into.

[talaniman]

Had to spread the rep Justy, but you are so right. She is one of those hard to figure people, and she does have issues that makes it very hard for practical people like yourself, to deal with.

Doubt if she will change, or even want to. She will try and change you though because she doesn't see herself as wrong, but you are.

You better think long, and hard before you make any plans for the future with her, as it looks like chaos with her. Is she a nut, probably, but she also may think you are too.

The real question, given the year you have been together, can you see living with this behavior the rest of your life?

You are a better person than I am, and have dated a few nuts in my life, and it was great, but got kind of old fast.

Maybe this is getting rather old for you too.

[takiton]

I don't understand what kind of guy could end up marrying her though. Sounds terrible (I mean she is lovely, beautiful, smart, funny etc.) but what kind of guy would she try to change me into? I fee like two people as impulsive as she is would get into a lot of trouble. She would get bored with a plain old nice guy. Dump a guy who is a player in any way. I feel like what I have to offer her is perfect. I'm entertained by most of her antics, responsible for when she isn't, good listener, I put my foot down when needed, I'm creative, so far successful in life etc. Will she always be dissatisfied by me, or dissatisfied period. I guess that's where I struggle. Am I only dissatisfied because she is dissatisfied?

[takiton]

I'm there to help her with her car, cat and life. I don't want to rescue her or save her. She just has a hard time taking care of the practical responsibilities. I don't want to take care of all of mine and all of hers though, especially when she gets to just float around while I stay planted in reality. At the same time, she wants something different from me. Does this make sense?

[s_cianci]

She's a nut. Click your heels and walk - no, I mean RUN away and don't look back.

[Catsmine]

Your description of her matches my definition of "gold-digger." Can you afford a trophy wife?

[makapuu]

It sounds like she is impulsive. She is influenced by what is happening around her.
She sounds like one of my crazy friends that watches too much TV. She talks about the episodes and characters as if it just happened to her. Her personality changes based on movies and TV shows. She is a friend of mine, so I can put up with her short-term. She's 42, and hasn't changed in the past 10 years. So your girlfriend will most likely stay the same way too, if she doesn't seek professional help.

[takiton]

Catsmine, way off bud. She comes from money. I don't.

[Catsmine]

catsmine, way off bud. She comes from money. I don't.

So she was raised to be this way. Can you emotionally afford a trophy wife?

[takiton]

She comes from a lot of money actually. And she is far more educated than you sound (no offense).

[takiton]

Her family comprises ivy league doctors and landowners dating back to slave ownership. They all play 3 instruments, speak two languages and have huge trust funds. Although, far from spoiled. Sorry to bite your head off, but calling a her a trophy wife insults my intelligence and her motives.

[Catsmine]

She comes from a lot of money actually. And she is far more educated than you sound (no offense).

None taken. Does the descriptive "flighty" hurt less? She does sound like she has impulse control issues.

[takiton]

Flighty is spot on I'm afraid. She's just not quite stable enough for me. I'm actually a little impulsive myself, but dating her has forced me to polarize myself to feel balance.

[justcurious55]

Could that of been what she meant when she mentioned dating down? Don't get all defensive. I'm just wondering what your educational background is compared to hers. Or are you sure she meant that she is better looking?