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heifer · Jun 15, 2010, 02:16 PM

I have a 19 year old son who stays up very late at night, drinks a lot and wants to sleep most of the day. He never eats at mealtimes with us and always wants to make his own food, leaving all the mess for me to clean up. I am forever handing out money to him as he does not have a job yet and I am really beginning to resent it all. I would like to be pro-active and set some ground rules before our relationship deteriorates any further.

pluckyflamingo · Jun 15, 2010, 02:22 PM

Do it NOW!! You are handicapping him in a way he just doesn't see yet. He needs to get out there and get a job! He will never learn the value of a dollar if he doesn't work for it himself. There is no reason for him to not have a job there are plenty of his age jobs out there that will have him work. I have been on my own since 18 and it hasn't been the easiest and I really wish my parents taught me some lessons of the real world. You need to start treating him like a room mate/adult. He needs to clean up after himself, clean his own clothes and pay for his own stuff. Put your foot down now or you are going to be raising a boy to grow into a smoocher all his life.

Wondergirl · Jun 15, 2010, 02:27 PM

Call a (family?) meeting for tonight or tomorrow once you have figured out and listed on paper what you want to have happen -- each person do certain chores, clean up/pick up after themselves, do their own laundry, participate in mealtimes (note when they will occur), each person will make his bed each morning, each person will go to school or have a job, each person over 18 will pay $x/mo rent, etc. Then decide what will happen when any of the above doesn't happen.

Even two y/os can help with chores.

First, though, get it straight in your own head as to what you want, have a meeting, and then follow through. Consistency is hugely important.

Kitkat22 · Jun 15, 2010, 02:34 PM

You are enabling his behavior. As Wondergirl said... Set some rules and see that he follows them.

Jake2008 · Jun 15, 2010, 02:57 PM

Stop giving him money. He's using the money to buy booze, drink and party all night, and sleep all day.

You are providing the means for him to do that.

If he drives the family car, take away the keys.

Disable the internet in his room.

Rules should have been laid down 10 years ago. Seems like he's had a free ride all his life. My kids were doing their own laundry and chores from 8 and 10 to earn spending money, and prior to that, they did chores (age appropriate of course) to help out in the house, simply because they lived there!

Surely at 19 you don't expect him to suddenly change?

This is not going to be an easy task, but the sooner you start the better off all of you will be.

He needs to learn the hard way, that nothing in this life is free. He needs to work and have the satisfaction of providing for himself, and becoming a man in his own right.

As long as you coddle him the way you are doing now, you are preventing him from achieving independence.

Kitkat22 · Jun 15, 2010, 03:00 PM

Originally Posted by Jake2008

Stop giving him money. He's using the money to buy booze, drink and party all night, and sleep all day.

You are providing the means for him to do that.

If he drives the family car, take away the keys.

Disable the internet in his room.

Rules should have been laid down 10 years ago. Seems like he's had a free ride all his life. My kids were doing their own laundry and chores from 8 and 10 to earn spending money, and prior to that, they did chores (age appropriate of course) to help out in the house, simply because they lived there!

Surely at 19 you don't expect him to suddenly change?

This is not going to be an easy task, but the sooner you start the better off all of you will be.

He needs to learn the hard way, that nothing in this life is free. He needs to work and have the satisfaction of providing for himself, and becoming a man in his own right.

As long as you coddle him the way you are doing now, you are preventing him from achieving independence.

You're right Jake.

Fr_Chuck · Jun 15, 2010, 05:47 PM

Very good advice

Kitkat22 · Jun 15, 2010, 06:57 PM

If he doesn't follow the rules... maybe he needs to find what the real world is about.

aimee_tt · Jun 15, 2010, 07:05 PM

When I turned 19 I had rules.

I was only allowed out one night a week (a weekend night) UNTIL I had a full time job. (I was finished TAFE)

My mum bought me food for the house and the occasional clothing but other than that my part time job had to cover my share of petrol, clothes mobile expenses and any other going out expenses.

Then when I got a job... I had to pay board. I also decided to start helping mum with buying food and on the way home from work I would sometimes pick up groceries.

You need to limit his time out and MAKE him pay his own way.

I think so many nights a week he should be made to make dinner for the whole family.

He will realise how lucky he was when he is made to do more

positiveparent · Jun 16, 2010, 01:40 AM

Sorry Jake I have to spread the rep. However your post echoed my sentiments exactly, he should have been taught all about the rules and boundaries and what he could expect whilst living in the family home years ago, before he began school even or some of them.

I have to say it you've started it a bit late in the day to put down rules etc now, I don't think he will take a blind bit of notice.

You can try Good Luck I think you'll need it..

Kitkat22 · Jun 16, 2010, 09:43 AM

We had rules. Our children had rules. You need to make it clear he is either going to shape up or ship out. The back talking would have done it for me. A nineteen year old needs to carry his share of the load.

heifer · Jun 16, 2010, 10:23 AM

Thank you to all who have taken the time to reply to me :)
It has certainly given me a good starting point and confirmed a lot of my own views (which I was thinking may be a bit harsh)
Its good to know that at least we are on the right track... Thanks

Kitkat22 · Jun 16, 2010, 10:40 AM

Originally Posted by heifer

Thank you to all who have taken the time to reply to me :)
It has certainly given me a good starting point and confirmed a lot of my own views (which I was thinking may be a bit harsh)
Its good to know that at least we are on the right track ... Thanks

I hope everything works out... keep us informed... :)

slapshot_oi · Jun 16, 2010, 11:37 AM

Being in his shoes at one time, I can see that he needs to move out.

Make him ask his buddies to split an apartment together, forcing him to get a job. Help him look to let him know you're serious. Even a lousy job would look tempting to someone who would be living on his own for the first time.

yasmin19 · Jun 28, 2010, 10:50 AM

I'm a 19 year old girl living at home with my parents...
Rather than tell me 'i have to do this or that'
We equally share chores... making me feel equal to them as an adult rather than like a child.
I cook once or twice a week, take care of the animals, and clean the upstairs of the house. It's a lot easier as a young adult to know what chores are yours and share them out than to feel like you're being told what to do.

However, if your son doesn't keep up with his half of the bargain... let him know you will stop your half too. Including handing out money for him... There's food in the house and a roof over the head. He doesn't NEED for anything else so I suggest you stop paying for it. Stop cooking his meals and let him fend for himself. Im sure after that he'll grow up and turn around to your way of thinking.
But trust me, give him the opportunity to prove himself. Make it a possitive and not a negative. Give him respect and if its not returned... give him a taste of his own medicine. :) hope this helps!

borderraven · Jun 21, 2011, 12:57 AM

Take him to a Navy(Army, Marines, Air Force, Coast Guard) recruiter and sign him up for the Navy(Army, Marines, Air Force, Coast Guard). At least in boot camp, he will learn to keep the house clean. If he stays in the military for ten years he'll be owning a house and doing all the work.

jenniepepsi · Jun 25, 2011, 12:47 PM

Originally Posted by yasmin19

im a 19 year old girl living at home with my parents...
rather than tell me 'i have to do this or that'
we equally share chores...making me feel equal to them as an adult rather than like a child.
i cook once or twice a week, take care of the animals, and clean the upstairs of the house. Its a lot easier as a young adult to know what chores are yours and share them out than to feel like you're being told what to do.

However, if your son doesn't keep up with his half of the bargain...let him know you will stop your half too. including handing out money for him... There's food in the house and a roof over the head. He doesn't NEED for anything else so i suggest you stop paying for it. Stop cooking his meals and let him fend for himself. Im sure after that he'll grow up and turn around to your way of thinking.
But trust me, give him the opportunity to prove himself. Make it a possitive and not a negative. Give him respect and if its not returned...give him a taste of his own medicine. :) hope this helps!

I aboslutelty agree with this. Make sure not to make him feel like a child, he is an adult. He needs to be treated like an adult. And as an adult, he needs to pull his own weight, to help the family he lives with, and he needs to do for himself. If he wants to drink then he needs to make his own way for it. But also make sure he is clear on the fact that if he gets caught drinking under age, you WILL NOT bail him out of the trouble. And do NOT allow him to drink under your roof or YOU will be charged with contributing to the delenquency of a minor.

Insist he get a job or go to school full time. SOMETHING to better his life. Or if he doesn't want to do that, then he needs to find someone else to mooch off.