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space7 · Jan 17, 2008, 05:42 PM

My fiancé and I have an issue on our hands. During a trip to visit my brother in NYC last May, we met his "current" girlfriend. My fiancé and I were horrified at her conduct. She did nothing but constantly swear, interrupt all conversations so that she could be heard, and was in constant need for attention. She was quite loud and obnoxious. My fiancé and I thought for sure my brother and her would no longer be together so we thought our concern of her at our wedding would be gone. However, my brother and her are still together and I recently received a Christmas card from her stating how she was looking forward to the wedding. We really do not want to invite her. But at the same time, my family (parents and siblings) have cautioned against starting a family feud with my brother. The way my fiancé and I see it is this: it is our wedding, we are paying for everything, so no one has the right to tell us that we need to invite my brother's latest girl to our wedding. What is the proper thing to do here?

Thanks in advance!

life1973happened · Jan 17, 2008, 06:17 PM

Most of the invitations I have received state, 'You and a guest are invited' I understand your dislike towards her behavior, as would anybody, but in know way do I think you can determine who the guest should or shouldn't be.

Your question is asking about etiquette. SO to answer that alone. I would say no, it's not proper etiquette to not allow your brothers girlfriend to come to the wedding if he determines that's who is guest is going to be.

You can however, knowing what you know about her, make structural changes to keep her out of the way and in the shadows as much as possible.

By not allowing her to come, regardless if her or your brother continue dating, he could very well never forgive you for control that situation. By doing that it sends a message to him that he is not old enough, or mature enough to make a good choice for an important event.

I imagine this to be a tough as it is the most important day of your life, but trust your brother to be able to control his date and not ruin your wedding.

LearningAsIGo · Jan 18, 2008, 09:54 AM

No matter how much you dislike her, she should be invited. Your future BIL is more important... and not inviting her may make him feel unwelcome. Besides, you could address it to him, but it doesn't mean she won't show up.

Take my word... you'll be so busy that day, you won't even notice her!

You never know, they could break up by then... or she could behave well that day. I was terrified to invite a cousin of mine but she turned on the charm that day and was a perfect lady on my wedding day. :) Wedding's can bring out the best in people.

Palmfrond · Jan 23, 2008, 03:04 AM

Has anybody thought about - talking?

Try talking to your brother about his girlfriend's inappropriate behaviour. Her swearing may not be important to him. Tell him about your concerns and see how he reacts

At the end of the day - it is your day. You will have a lot on your mind and the last thing you need during the day/evening is to have to worry about what this female is going to say or do.

With the table plan, make sure you sit this 'lady' on a table with people that will be able to handle her swearing, interruptions and outbursts

I really hope it all goes well for you and your partner and that it turns out to be your perfect day. I married 6 years ago and would do it all again tomorrow (to the same man! ) :p

lacuran8626 · Jan 25, 2008, 02:37 PM

You can't choose your relatives much less who they choose to date. Most of us have a few that we'd like not to bring out into the daylight on special occasions like weddings.

This is how I would handle this situation...

You have two unrelated issues. First, should you permit your future brother in law to have a date at the wedding? Yes. It would be rude not to if you are having the big wedding, and it sounds like you are.

The second issue is inappropriate behavior, in any circumstances and this should be handled by your fiancé. He should speak to his brother about the last time you were together and say, "you know, we were really taken aback by Sue's behavior when we were out together. I mean, we aren't accostomed to that kind of language and she seemed to be very domineering in terms of taking over the conversation and all. Is she like that all the time?" He might also say, "I'm concerned about her language and behavior offending my fiance's family - can you please talk to her about it before the wedding?"

Will the brother be offended? Maybe. Then again, we are talking about brothers. Better to air the grievance now in a manner of tact and concern without embarrassing her than to pour her into a cab to send her unwillingly back to her hotel during your reception. It sounds like she was offensive and rude to you, and it's OK for your fiancé to let his brother know that it wasn't appreciated and should not be repeated.