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Tuscany · Apr 4, 2007, 05:11 AM

I would like to think of myself as an easy going, fun person. However, there is one lady that can change all that. My mother in law. She is an overbearing woman, who intentionally does and says things that are cruel. My husband just had knee surgery on Monday. It was a rather simple surgery (thanks for the guidance J-9) and he had it as an out patient so he has been recovering at home. Which of course means that she is there... maybe not all the time, but MOST of the time. She expects to be waited on hand and foot, for example, I had made my husband and I some lunch, nothing fancy, but not enough for three people. What does she do? She sits down with my husband and eats my lunch. I was shocked... my husband says, Mom that is H's lunch. Did that stop her NOOOOOOOOOOO she ate my lunch, and then left her dish at the table and got up and went to watch soap operas in my den. My husband again tried to tell her that she ate my lunch, her retort... H can find something else!!

That is just one example. And the worst part is that my husband tries to stick up for me, but she just does not care. They have even gone without talking for a few weeks because of things that she has said and done to me. I want them to have a relationship, and heck I would love to have a nice relationship with her. But, I don't know what to do. Can anyone help me? What can I do?

phoenix1664 · Apr 4, 2007, 05:14 AM

Have you tried to sit her down and talk with her about the problems that she is causing or maybe all 3 of you just for a few minuits to talk about everything?

Krs · Apr 4, 2007, 05:16 AM

The joys of the in-laws..!

I haven't really encountered such problems, thou my mum in law is loud, flamboyant.. abit too much sometimes. She talks and talks and talks and talks and don't give you a moment to talk yourself.

My mum on the other hand had severe issues with her mum in-law, who interfered in their relationship.

One story, here goes:-

When I was 5 yrs old, dad worked shift work, nights. During the day mum looked after me, and my nan came over to see me and I had a little cough nothing drastic, mum was giving me calpol (medicine) and nan flipped, said that mum isn't looking after me well and I need to see a doctor, mum was like ye ye OK! Its just a cough, she'll be fine.
Nan leaves and 1 hr later the door bell rings... and guess who?

It's the doctor... my nan called him and told him to come over without my mum consent...

CRAZY!

Tuscany · Apr 4, 2007, 05:22 AM

We have tried talking to her about it. And it gets better for awhile, but then bam she is nasty again. She has even lost friends because she can be nasty to them. The worse part is that her mother in law was horrible to her, so you would think she would be better to me. But nope. How about the time that she screamed at me and told me to get out of her house... or the mother's day that I had her entire family over for a picnic and she had a fit because we were only having hamburgers and hotdogs.

ordinaryguy · Apr 4, 2007, 05:34 AM

OOOOhhh, that's a tough one, Tus. There really isn't much anyone can do to change an intentionally rude and disagreeable person into a kind and courteous one. I can think of two basic approaches: One, treat it as entertainment--you know, collect stories of outrageous things she does, tell them to your friends and laugh about it. Or two, cut her out of your life as much as possible. But that's pretty radical and would have to be your husband's decision since she's his mother. Short of that, I think the best you can do is be an anthropologist, i.e. observe and marvel at the diversity of the human species and try not to take it personally, even when it's directed at you personally. Hard to do, I know.

wagsthedog · Apr 4, 2007, 05:35 AM

Hey Tuscany... I am new to this site... but not the dreaded mother-in-law! Can't be of a great help may it may help to keep telling yourself a leopard cant, and probably wouldn't, change its spots? A few miles in between u & her is also nice! Once you reach a certain age some people decide not see and listen to things they're told and some can become stubborn & stuck in their ways. As for waiting on her hand & foot... I'd STOP! Take a step back and hopefully let her think, an uninvited guest should not expect nor receive such treatment. My partner & his siblings have trouble with their mum too, they all fight, to no avail, my sister in law hates to accept her behaviour, and I, hmmm, do my best to stay the hell away from her!! When she visits, I busy myself with things to avoid her & only speak if necessary. Over time she has realised (I think) that my disappearing act & short talk with her after a conflict means I've had enough for the day! Quite often it will be her who starts the next conversation, with a different tune. No one can tell someone like this anything, and sometimes you hurt yourself more trying/stressing. Again I am sure there is someone out there with more "proffessional" advice! Good Luck :(

Krs · Apr 4, 2007, 07:17 AM

Originally Posted by Tuscany

How about the time that she screamed at me and told me to get out of her house...or the mother's day that I had her entire family over for a picnic and she had a fit because we were only having hamburgers and hotdogs.

Has anybody seen - everybody loves raymond?Classic example of a monster in law LOL

vlee · Apr 4, 2007, 07:23 AM

I don't think you should ever be subjected to treatment like that from "family", but I do know what you mean. I think you should ask your husband to go to her house when he wants to see her. If she drops by unannounced, leave the chain lock on and tell her you're busy. When it comes to unavoidable family functions, steer clear. Don't engage her in conversation. Maybe if you stop responding to her crap she'll knock it off. Give her the cold shoulder when she is rude. Tell your husband you are leaving the gathering so you don't have to put up with his mother's disrespect. If it is at your house, pull her aside and tell her you don't appreciate it and if she does it once more she must leave and is not welcome to attend future events at your home. Good luck!

Tuscany · Apr 4, 2007, 08:58 AM

Originally Posted by Krs

Has anybody seen - everybody loves raymond?Classic example of a monster in law LOL

I swear I watch that show and sometimes think she uses Marie for her inspiration. Planning my wedding with her around was fun...

I am tried ignoring her attitude, I have tried giving it back. Now I just sort of act like she is not even there... but sometimes :)

The new one: I am currently trying to get pregnant and she is telling me that I will not breast feed because if I do the baby will like me better then my husband and that is not fair to him. Of course my husband thinks she is off her rocker on that one... so we ignore it... and she will be in for a surprise when I finally am breastfeeding.

wagsthedog · Apr 4, 2007, 03:50 PM

Yeah its hard to ignore, that's why, as I said before, I keep busy to stay away and don't speak unless I have to. I drove myself crazy doing anything else. My m-i-l is right about EVERYTHING! U can't change them, they know best & when your offered unwanted advice, let it go over your head. I have experienced many such situations after two kids, again distance is good if its feasible cause you know one of you will be leaving soon! Check back on VLEE's post.

Tuscany · Apr 5, 2007, 06:45 AM

All I know is that I swear I will never be a mother in law like that.
So help me god!!
It is good to know that I am not alone... Misery loves company :)

vlee · Apr 5, 2007, 10:54 AM

My ex mother in law was a beast. She intimidated her entire family and bullied her way into every decision anyone ever made, especially if it involved "her" grandchildren. But in that family, NO ONE stood up to her. She hated me more because after she dished out her crap I'd give it right back. In the end I started simply making her abide by the rules for my house and my kids. She never liked it, or me, but it kept her out of my hair. Now that her son and I are divorced, she is so nice to me it's unreal. Once you're not related you become a lower priority on the hit list I guess.

Tuscany · Apr 5, 2007, 11:08 AM

Or perhaps it is once they do not see you as a threat.
I sometimes feel like she is trying to compete with me for my husband's love and time.
I swear in some ways she is threatened by me.

vlee · Apr 5, 2007, 11:16 AM

I think you are right. I remember the umpteen fights me and my ex had over his mom's interference. I felt the same way, like she was trying to outdo me. It was as though she was jealous that her son had a woman in his life besides herself. It was a little weird.

Lillian42 · Apr 15, 2007, 09:21 PM

I feel your pain I have in laws who are drunks and do horrible things sometimes things go good sometimes bad I have learned to just bite my tongue unless it is something I totally disagree on like when they smoke around my kid. For the most part I try to avoid them sometimes we cross paths but I try to be pleasant for the sake of my other half after all it is his family. Be lucky he sticks up for you mine understands my opinions and disagrees with his parents but he always keeps his mouth shut.

lacuran8626 · Apr 22, 2007, 09:54 AM

Her behavior was not correct, but I also question why, when there is a third person there at lunch time, you didn't prepare a third lunch? She may have been trying to make a point with you. While you evaluate her behavior, be fair and look at your own, as well.

Tuscany · Apr 23, 2007, 04:49 AM

She came in while I was putting lunch on the table. I did not know she was going to be there, if I had I would have made three lunches.