[mcneill2181]

I need some help on a very difficult situation. My boyfriend is addicted to drugs. Right now it is crystal meth, before it was cocaine, crack, etc. I don't know what to do! We have been together for over 5 years and it hurts to see him like this, especially when I know how good of a man he is! (I know that addiction is blind).
I found his pipe not to long ago and confronted him, and it seemed to stop for a bit until the other day when I began to notice sores on his face again. I use to be able to tell when he was high or not but now it just seems to be the same person regardless. Also, I use to care and I let it bother me and I would be on his about it all the time but now I feel like there is nothing left for me to give anymore. It doesn't only affect him it does me as well. His whole demeanor changes and he is no longer the person that I feel in love with.
I know he needs help... but he never seems to think so! He says that he controls it not the other way! It is even worse now because we're both beginning to lose friends because of it and they're the sober ones and not the people who want drugs or something from him.
I have thought many of times to just leave him and get on with my life, but I truly love him and I don't want to abandon him like everyone else seems to do, but I fear he will need to hit rock bottom to recover!! I love him!!
Please any advice:(

[ellenbrn]

Leave him it may be the catylst to get clean. He may love you, but in his addiction he doesn't even love himself so how can he love you. Tell him you are leaving him until he gets himself clean. Don't let him tell you it is not a problem. It is. Obviously it bothers you. You might even realize during your separation that you are really better off without him. I went through this with my ex-husband. I realized that I could support myself and my son better than him,and his habit as well. They lie and steal to get their next high and can not be trusted. My ex and I divorced 10 years ago and he has had no contact with my son in 10 yrs. I heard from him recently he is now "clean" 4-5 months, but he is not excepting responsibility yet for his actions. Cut your losses.

[mcneill2181]

Thank you for your advice and I know it is what I need to do I just worry too much about him and how he will be. I have tried a couple of times, most recently I moved out but he moved in shortly after. He has lied too many times to count and stolen from me on more than several occasions. I have gone into debt and presumed responsibility for all the bills and everything else. We had our home broken into and my very expensive television stolen by people that he knows because of the drugs. I no longer feel safe in my own place. I know I enable him to do this because I take care of him, but it is so hard to just leave. If you had any advice on how you left( I know that might sound stupid) but I just don't know HOW to leave him.

[ChihuahuaMomma]

You need to leave him for your baby's sake. Trust me, in the end you will much rather be a single mother than raise a child around someone like that.

[Brodio]

I disagree with everyone. I think you should show him you love him and you want to help him. Just leaving him will only make things worse and he will probably end up dead. Its not his fault, the drug takes over your mind and controls you. People who have never tried the drug just don't understand. (and shouldn't give advice) When everyone leaves you behind it just makes things worse. When I was getting clean of the drug I only had one friend stay with me . And I know that I wouldn't be here if he didn't help me get back on my feet.
Hope you guys got everything worked out.

[Brodio]

I disagree and he will probably feel so horrible he may just end up doing that.. Unless you have been there you would never understand. Lots of people just try it because they are curious and they think they have more control but nobody has more control then meth. Try reading some of the stories on my post and you will see. People start drugs for lots of reasons and everyone is different and has a their own story , so its unfortunate that you have that opinion. Do you always give up on everyone that easily? That's one reason why people end up doing even more drugs , when they lose their "friends" when nobody is around to help them out of a situation it just gets worse.
If you think these people are happy , I can assure you they are not and they are suffering. Pointing fingers and judging somebody on an issue you seem to know nothing about doesn't help anything at all. You should want the person to get better , not worse no matter what their situation is..

[Jake2008]

I am not so sure that leaving him is the answer, although he has put you in a difficult position with creating a dangerous situation for you and your child. You have to think safety first, and the unpredictable nature of your husband and his friends, it may be the best thing to do temporarily.

While I agree that he needs to be ready able and willing to get help to turn his life around, it is not an impossible task. What bothers me is that we, as a society, are so quick to judge others and dump people cold when they have addictions. If it were somebody refusing their insulin, or heart medication, or a depressed person unable to get out of bed in the morning, would we be so quick to judge, and advise people to just leave?

While I realize, as I've said, and others have too, that you will have to seriously consider finding a safe place for yourself and your child, there are things you can do to maintain a lifeline to your boyfriend, if you choose that route, and I hope you do.

The first thing I would do is seek out counselling for yourself from a qualified addiction counsellor. Learn how to deal with your partner, set limits, boundaries, expectations, etc. Find a way to separate yourself from the addictive lifestyle you have found yourself in, and work out ways to create the life you want, with him, without drugs. It just isn't enough saying he has to be off drugs to reconcile. There has to be a change in the lifestyle, expectations, and goals of the relationship. Think of it as building a foundation.

But you have to start at square one. While he is using there is little you can do except help yourself. Let him know that you love him, and that you are seeking help in getting a healthy lifestyle back on track for yourself and your baby. Don't push, don't nag, but certainly don't give up without a fight!

When he sees changes in you, he will begin to at least think about making changes for himself. As time goes on, and he continues to lose, he may very well decide, on his own, that he needs to do what he has to do to get off the addiction path, and take steps back to a drug free life.

No two people with addictions are the same. He may quit on his own, and relapse, or he could get himself into drug treatment and falter and relapse again. There is no predicting the outcome once he decides to change. It isn't just a matter of cold turkey or hitting rock bottom, then magically, all the problems are solved.

Then you can move beyond just loving him, and help him when he gets himself into treatment or meetings. Go with him. Support him and encourage him all you can. Be prepared and informed on how to deal with setbacks.

But the important thing is to deal with him from a position of safety, and a position of knowledge, and a position of independence from his addiction.

Think of this as a beginning rather than the end.

[Dr Alli]

You might also try going to al-anon or nar-anon. Here is a URL for meth addicts anonymous, word to "family and friends":

For Friends and Families

[NANCYPANCY]

You just touched my heart - thank you so much for the wise advise.

[background]

With a drug addict, if that is for sure what he is, he will not stop until he gets down as far down his bottom is. Some are higher than others with their bottom. And if he is not a drug addict, he will be able to quit if you put a ultimatum in front of him. You can choose that, I'm not going to tell you to leave him. And if he can't quit then, he is probably a drug addict. Try to organize a intervention, or you could start going to alanon meetings. And also there is AA out there where someone would gladly with the same affliction is him come over and talk to him about his problem. It's a lot different coming from some one like him than someone that has not used drugs the way he has. And I wish you the best of luck. I've been on the opposite side and know what worked to straiten me out.

[madi.jane]

I'm in a similar situation with my boyfriend, only it's pot, cocaine, a pack of cigarettes a day, ecstasy, alcohol and common abuse of prescription drugs. He's already been stabbed in the femoral artery due to drugs, died once and resuscitated and had loads of other kinds of over doses. For months now I have been completely straight, eating healthy and exercising once a day.. I was hoping that him seeing my motivation for a healthier lifestyle would snap him out of it. But he's continues to kill himself slowly and tells me it's not a problem. It is making me depressed.

[confused247]

I am going through the same thing. It has been about 6 years now and he has been clean on and off the drug since then. I have kicked him out once before and he said that he would go get treatment so I let him come back and he stayed clean for a couple months so he didn't end up going, obviously this didn't last long. Within the past year it has gotten worse, my kids have seen him with way to many blowups not to mention he is not physically or mentally there for them and hasn't been. Just recently I kicked him out and told him that was it I had been through enough, he finally started looking into rehab and plans on going on Monday. The issue that I am dealing with now is whether I should kick him out of my life for good or what I should do. Good luck to you and only you can make that decision!

[donnadoll10]

You need to leave him. I've BEEN THERE. If you do love him, leaving him is the best thing to do for your safety, well-being, and peace of mind. I suffered so much in a horrible eight year relationship with a meth addict. He got so bad that he would get violent after being up for days and take it out on me and my little boy. Trust me I'm so much better off now without him. And so is my boy. I know I did the best thing by leaving him. Meth addicts do not change or get better unless they really want to. They can talk the talk, but can they walk the walk? Actions speak louder than words. I'm not one to judge but my heart could only take so much. Separate your emotions from the true fact that doing dangerous drugs constantly only leads to destruction and heartache for everyone involved. Get out as soon as possible. Pray for him. You can be there for him without enabling him. Good luck.

[bluebelle89]

My boyfriend has recently (in the past couple months) started using... when I found out and conftronted him, he freaked out... I also said I was going to leave him if he didn't stop because I don't want to be with a dope head... he swore up and down he would never touch it again, that our relationship means too much to him to lose me over something so stupid...

Well, he hasn't stopped... I've found everything from his pipe, to his baggies, and straws... he says that's old stuff... but I know for a fact it's not... I'm friends with his dealer and he's helping he keeps tabs on him... kind of messed up, but I know my boyfriend's lying... I don't know what to do... together almost 3 1/2 years and he just started this... I don't understand why...

[ladybug0214]

Wow I feel like I just read something I had written myself. I feel your pain and I too just lost the love of my life for what would have been 6 years this month. He lost everything his job both his cars his license living out of a back pack. I used to think that I was the only one that could help him so I stayed through all the stress with him and when you fall in love with someone and see them go from so much to nothing it's the hardest thing to let let go. You feel so much guilt for the fact that you feel obligated to help I know I did and the truth is I ended up using myself thinking that at least we were together and he isn't hiding from me but that doesn't last then I thought since he was blind to how bad he was getting and how much he was hurting himself that if he could possibly see how it affected me he would notice and want to change but that didn't work for long either. Then he wanted to get me pregnant saying that starting a family would solve all our problems that he would have no choice but to clean up and it would fix everything please don't put yourself through that seriously its painful just get out now I did and am slowly getting better I have been away from him for a couple of months and he has already went to jail for pos of meth and is now running from the cops but that could have been me in the car I or YOU I know its hard trust me its something I have to live with everyday but think about your own well being because he can't care about you until he cares about himself.

[7766]

I have been going through the same situation with my partner for 16 years. I have left him on several occasions only to get back with him and have nothing change. The only difference with my relationship is that my partner cheated with other women/drug addicts during our relationship. After 16 years of lies, of supporting him financially, having my property destroyed and going through depression, I have given up. All my hopes and dreams of him cleaning up have disappeared. It has been 3 weeks since I left and I have no regrets of leaving him. I know I tried my best to help him but how can you help a person who is not asking for it. And its true he can't love you because he doesn't love himself and this is a statement that came out of my partner's own mouth. Remember he has to do it for himself and not for you. There will be a time when you have had enough and only then will you make a decision to stay or leave. I wish you all the best.

[scaredforlife]

I am searching for answers. The big one: Can a meth addict get clean and stay clean? Is there any hope?
My friend is an alcoholic. When he gets really drunk on a Friday night he goes to the local drug house and smokes meth all night/all weekend. He says he will never do it again but that is a promise he never keeps. He has burnt his throat with a metal splinter, lost a tooth and is losing another, lost weight and is violent about getting his fix. He is on the verge of losing everything. Has no money. Begged and borrowed from everyone until they don't want to hear about it. He got a credit card and racked up a ten thousand dollar balance in a few months. He says he can pay that off quick enough when he gets sober like that will be any day now. He now is depending on payday loans to get by. He is desperate. I pay him to do odd jobs and feed him. But that isn't enough. He earns good money at his job. He should be living comfortably but he is desperate and in dire need of help.
I am planning on attending nar-anon but wonder if it is a waste of time. I hate seeing him this way.