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curious sassy · Jul 14, 2012, 04:55 PM

My husband wants me to be the man during sex, this includes me wearing a strap on and having him give me oral sex to the strap on and then me giving him anal sex with it as well. We have been together for 15 yrs and this is new, just out of no where. Is this normal? We split up for a while and when we got back together this has been what he is wanting, I have asked did he do this during separation and states no. please help?

Fr_Chuck · Jul 14, 2012, 05:11 PM

There is not "normal" there is only what is normal for you or me or someone else.

Many men like anal stimuation, others don't.

Role play means that you may want to do it also, so in this,what do you then get ?

mikehockey08 · Jul 14, 2012, 05:17 PM

I have heard of men wanting to receive anal sex with a strap on from their wife but never heard of a man wanting to give oral sex to a strap on.

curious sassy · Jul 14, 2012, 05:22 PM

Originally Posted by mikehockey08

I have heard of men wanting to receive anal sex with a strap on from their wife but never heard of a man wanting to give oral sex to a strap on.

There is more to it than just the anal and oral sex. He tells me he wants to be act as a man and him as a female, states he wants to know what it is like to be the woman. And he says I should want to know what it is like to be the man. I really have no desire to be a man.

Fr_Chuck · Jul 14, 2012, 05:23 PM

So tell him NO

mikehockey08 · Jul 14, 2012, 05:26 PM

Tell him No. You are not comfortable with this. Only do what you are comfortable with. Maybe try just the strap-on and anal to at least let him know that you care about him and care about his needs. After that if you hate it just say sorry husband but I can't continue doing this. Hopefully he will realize that you tried.

I don't understand this at all. My girlfriend has on occasion grabbed me like she was doing me in doggy style and said this is how you make me feel and it grosses me out. It actually has me thinking how do they enjoy this so I don't know... I cannot relate with your husband at all.

curious sassy · Jul 17, 2012, 12:23 PM

Originally Posted by mikehockey08

Tell him No. You are not comfortable with this. Only do what you are comfortable with. Maybe try just the strap-on and anal to at least let him know that you care about him and care about his needs. After that if you hate it just say sorry husband but I can't continue doing this. Hopefully he will realize that you tried.

I don't understand this at all. My girlfriend has on occasion grabbed me like she was doing me in doggy style and said this is how you make me feel and it grosses me out. It actually has me thinking how do they enjoy this so I don't know... I cannot relate with your husband at all.

I am wondering if he is possibly gay and feels he can't say so. I know anal sex is fairly common, however the oral sex to a strap on is what I do not unferstand.
And yes I know the best thing to do would be discuss it with him, however when I try he freezes up and says that I will probably say he is a freak or gay.

Enigma1999 · Jul 17, 2012, 06:36 PM

If you're that uncomfortable about it, then tell him...

odinn7 · Jul 17, 2012, 06:52 PM

If you don't feel right about doing this, tell him no.

I could be wrong but my opinion is that he has gay or at least bi tendencies. The oral part of this and him wanting you to treat him like a woman kind of points to that as far as I'm concerned.

I only say this because I think that this is the biggest part of your concern with this question also. You didn't directly come out and say it but that is the feeling I'm getting.

curious sassy · Jul 19, 2012, 11:28 PM

Yes knowing if my husband is gay or has bi tendecies is a big concern.

Alty · Jul 19, 2012, 11:36 PM

Is this an occasional thing, something he wants once in a while, or is he asking you to do this every single time you two have sex?

The biggest part of all your posts that screams out to me is this part;

And yes I know the best thing to do would be discuss it with him, however when I try he freezes up and says that I will probably say he is a freak or gay.

I think this says it all.

I would sit down with him, tell him that you have concerns about this, and that you need to know what's going on. As his wife he should be able to discuss this with you. If he continues to refuse to discuss this, then you're well within your right to refuse to do what he wants. Heck, even if he will discuss it you don't have to do this just because he wants to. But, if he won't even tell you what's going on, why this sudden change, then I would tell him "fine, you won't talk to me, I won't have sex with you". It's passive aggressive, but that's me. :)

JudyKayTee · Jul 20, 2012, 02:50 PM

Originally Posted by Alty

If he continues to refuse to discuss this, then you're well within your right to refuse to do what he wants. Heck, even if he will discuss it you don't have to do this just because he wants to. But, if he won't even tell you what's going on, why this sudden change, then I would tell him "fine, you won't talk to me, I won't have sex with you". It's passive aggressive, but that's me. :)

I agree it's OP's "right" to refuse to participate in anything that makes her uncomfortable or creepy or doesn't feel right.

I think the "I won't have [any] sex with you" statement is a bad idea in any relationship. Shutting the other person down proves and teaches nothing (if that's the purpose) - other than that you can and/or will shut the other person off. "I'm shutting you off if you won't talk to me" doesn't sound like a good idea to me.

I'm not much for the "if you won't do this, I won't do that" school of thought.

I think OP can say no to the toy, yes to what she's comfortable with and still prove her point.

Alty · Jul 20, 2012, 03:28 PM

I do agree Judy. I've just always been very passive aggressive. My husband is as well. Thankfully we work around it, and usually I'm the one that says "okay, enough, we have to talk".

I'm all for talking first, but the OP has stated that she tried, and was dismissed. That's why I posted what I did. If he won't communicate with her, then something has to give. If that something is "no sex until we talk", then maybe that's the last resort.

Just my opinion.

Cat1864 · Jul 20, 2012, 04:27 PM

This may seem out of left field, but ask him about his thoughts on dominance and submission (BDSM). It may not be a need to feel 'like a woman' but instead a desire to be dominated. Some men who are submissives can/do equate the giving up of control with being emasculated or being 'female'.

Would you be more comfortable with the thought of being in 'control'?

Alty · Jul 20, 2012, 04:40 PM

Cat, great point. Not something I'm familiar with because I've never been comfortable in a submissive position. I don't do submissive well. I know, it's a shock. ;)

The one thing I have to add about this, is the fact that the OP has stated over and over that this role playing makes her uncomfortable. Also, she's tried to talk to her husband about it, and she's been dismissed.

In the original posts she stated that they were separated. Is this why? Was this part of the problem? Was there any counseling during or after the separation? I would highly recommend counseling now.

curious sassy · Jul 20, 2012, 09:09 PM

Originally Posted by Alty

Is this an occasional thing, something he wants once in a while, or is he asking you to do this every single time you two have sex?

The biggest part of all your posts that screams out to me is this part;

I think this says it all.

I would sit down with him, tell him that you have concerns about this, and that you need to know what's going on. As his wife he should be able to discuss this with you. If he continues to refuse to discuss this, then you're well within your right to refuse to do what he wants. Heck, even if he will discuss it you don't have to do this just because he wants to. But, if he won't even tell you what's going on, why this sudden change, then I would tell him "fine, you won't talk to me, I won't have sex with you". It's passive aggressive, but that's me. :)

You ask is this an occasional thing, well I have never consented to do doing as there are too many unanswered questions for me to say yes to this. However this all he ever talks about now.

curious sassy · Jul 20, 2012, 09:15 PM

Originally Posted by Cat1864

This may seem out of left field, but ask him about his thoughts on dominance and submission (BDSM). It may not be a need to feel 'like a woman' but instead a desire to be dominated. Some men who are submissives can/do equate the giving up of control with being emasculated or being 'female'.

Would you be more comfortable with the thought of being in 'control'?

Yes I have thought of it as BDSM and even asked him if this what he was talking about, he really didn't know much about domination and submissive when I brought it up. I of course only know a little about it myself. I explained what I knew of it to him. What I know of it the submissive is to as he/she is told to by the dominator, however he states he wants me to force him to do the oral part. Basically he wants to resist and me force.
Does this sound like BDSM?

curious sassy · Jul 20, 2012, 09:53 PM

Originally Posted by Alty

Cat, great point. Not something I'm familiar with because I've never been comfortable in a submissive position. I don't do submissive well. I know, it's a shock. ;)

The one thing I have to add about this, is the fact that the OP has stated over and over that this role playing makes her uncomfortable. Also, she's tried to talk to her husband about it, and she's been dismissed.

In the original posts she stated that they were separated. Is this why? Was this part of the problem? Was there any counseling during or after the separation? I would highly recommend counseling now.

This had nothing to do with the separation at all, we never have had a problem with sex before. He would have never even thought of something like this before.
Individual counseling was obtained never joint counseling.