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    NJCUTIE77's Avatar
    NJCUTIE77 Posts: 48, Reputation: 6
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    #1

    Dec 15, 2006, 01:43 PM
    Rebound
    We all know that after a relationship, people tend to go on the "rebound"... finding someone to just pass some of the time along and get it out of the system... My question is... is it possible for someone who broke up with you to go on Rebound??
    shygrneyzs's Avatar
    shygrneyzs Posts: 5,017, Reputation: 936
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    #2

    Dec 15, 2006, 02:10 PM
    Yes, it happens often. Dating someone while "on the rebound" works both ways.
    NJCUTIE77's Avatar
    NJCUTIE77 Posts: 48, Reputation: 6
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    #3

    Dec 15, 2006, 02:21 PM
    Would this sometimes make the person that broke it off with you realize what he had?? Does it take that to realize??
    Geoffersonairplane's Avatar
    Geoffersonairplane Posts: 1,195, Reputation: 286
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    #4

    Dec 15, 2006, 02:40 PM
    Great question...

    My ex split up with me 3 1/2 months ago.. If you want to read my story, here is a link to it for you:- https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...elp-39548.html

    Back to your questions.

    Question: My question is... is it possible for someone who broke up with you to go on Rebound?

    Answer: Definitely possible but I think it also depends on how long the dumper took to emotionally switch off their feelings towards you. Sometimes the dumper slowly cuts you off and therefore is able to move on much more quick post break-up.

    Question: Would this sometimes make the person that broke it off with you realize what he had?

    Answer: Sometimes, but remember that it was broke for a reason. It depends on why they left, how old they are, how much they valued you in the first place. They would need to be making comparisons about you and their new partner which reflect you as the better option that they made the mistake of leaving behind.

    Question: Does it take that to realize?

    Answer: Perhaps if the dumper has not ever experienced any of the bad eggs out there, they then experience them and realize, what the heck have I done?. Sadly it does depend on the rebounds that he/she goes with, what they have to offer, emotionally, financially,physically,spiritually e.t.c.

    Bear in mind that the dumper could actually feel that they have made the right choice and never come back. Mind you, by the time they did, if they did, you would probably be in a state of mind that does not want THEM in your life..

    + another thing to remember is that if they break-up with you, realize what they did was a mistake and have been with every Tom, Fred and Harry, (or every Anna, Sarah and Betsy for that matter), if you did forgive them and let them back in your life then you would be considered in their eyes as a revolving door for them when they can come and go as they please... or perhaps more of a harsh but true term, a doormat...
    shygrneyzs's Avatar
    shygrneyzs Posts: 5,017, Reputation: 936
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    #5

    Dec 15, 2006, 02:44 PM
    Sometimes it does happen that way, yes. But I would exercise caution, great caution in fact, before jumping into that same relationship. All the things that were wrong and went wrong are still there. All the things that were hedging on the border of feeling right and not feeling right look better from the distance.

    Sometimes when a person "gets" their freedom and they see what is on the other side, it really was not what they wanted. That old saying the grass is always greener on the other side. Often though, that person who left the relationship to seek another and then leaves that relationship to seek another, will NEVER be happy. Because what they are seeking cannot be found within another person - it has to come from within themselves first. Sadly, they seem to drag many people with them.

    I would not make myself too readily available to this person. You could end up being the recipient of more heartache. Then again - maybe he experienced some grand insight into his own behavior and can focus on who is in front of him and strive to make a better relationship.

    So it can go both ways. Just be very careful. Trust your basic instincts, if something tells you that all is not well, back off and take a break. Remember that only you can take care of yourself better than anyone else and you deserve the best in all things and in all people.

    Best of all to you.
    Geoffersonairplane's Avatar
    Geoffersonairplane Posts: 1,195, Reputation: 286
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    #6

    Dec 15, 2006, 02:45 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane
    with every Tom, Fred and Harry, (or every Anna, Sarah and Betsy for that matter),
    By the way, this was just an expression or figure of speech..

    Do not want to sound like I am insulting anyone with these names.. :)
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #7

    Dec 15, 2006, 02:48 PM
    Not all people react the same to rebound relationships. Some can last quite awhile and maybe its not forever it depends on how the two people get along and work together. Believe it or not rebound relationships can be quite a good thing, but it takes mature people who know themselves for it to work. Sometimes all people are looking for is fun, or companionship, while they are getting over a bad relationship. Will it make them realise what they had? Maybe, Will they want to go back? Not if they find something better.
    Geoffersonairplane's Avatar
    Geoffersonairplane Posts: 1,195, Reputation: 286
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    #8

    Dec 15, 2006, 02:51 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by shygrneyzs
    Sometimes when a person "gets" their freedom and they see what is on the other side, it really was not what they wanted. That old saying the grass is always greener on the other side. Often though, that person who left the relationship to seek another and then leaves that relationship to seek another, will NEVER be happy. Because what they are seeking cannot be found within another person - it has to come from within themselves first. Sadly, they seem to drag many people with them.
    Great points raised here by shygrneyzs..

    I like the grass is always greener reference too..

    I think certain people follow patterns and as shygrneyzs points out, this type of person who tries to seek something that should be searched within follow these very same patterns and in the process end up hurting almost everyone in their path. In the end, the only person that suffers is this person...

    You live by the sword, you die by the sword..

    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman
    Will it make them realise what they had? Maybe, Will they want to go back? Not if they find something better.
    I like what you wrote here tal, tried to rate you but I must spread it...

    You must be prepared for the latter of what Tal wrote... the fact that they won't come back if they find better..

    It hurts to think like that but sadly, life is not always kind..

    If you want to find the rainbow, sometimes you must be prepared to feel the rain.

    RATING:
    Quote Originally Posted by shygrneyzs
    Definitely like that word "doormat" Sadly both sexes are not immune to becoming one of those.
    I agree with the fact that you agreed and further to this I agree that both sexes are not immune to becoming one of these>>>Doormat..

    I felt like one of these in my relationship...

    Way too forgiving.. Mind you, there are some things that I would never have forgiven that I hear people on this website contemplating forgiveness for.

    Love is blind though..

    Men and women are open to the same problems emotionally I am sure. It is all down to how healthy and balanced ones life is and also you need to draw a line and say "NO, I WON'T BE TREATED THAT WAY, I DON'T DESERVE THIS ANYMORE"
    Allheart's Avatar
    Allheart Posts: 1,639, Reputation: 436
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    #9

    Dec 15, 2006, 03:09 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane
    ..

    If you want to find the rainbow, sometimes you must be prepared to feel the rain.
    Perfect Geoff, aaah another one for the engraver ;)
    valinors_sorrow's Avatar
    valinors_sorrow Posts: 2,927, Reputation: 653
    I regard all beings mostly by their consciousness and little else
     
    #10

    Dec 15, 2006, 03:34 PM
    I really do think that a lot of what is going on with those strange couples who break up and make up over and over is that after the first break, its all rebounding and rebounding again, never getting down to it, never learning or fixing a thing. It goes to show how powerful it is that you cannot fix the loss of one with the company of another, even when the other is the original one! Yikes, did that make sense? LOL

    Anyone post break up is a candidate for a rebound. Grieving is what fuels it. The surest way to get your heart broken is to get involved with someone who isn't over it yet. Its only a rebound in my book when you carry some unfinished biz from before into the next relationship that turns out toxic to that relationship. Ergo few rebound relationships last by that definition. Now people who learned some fine lessons and are having another go at it -- well, that's all together different!
    Geoffersonairplane's Avatar
    Geoffersonairplane Posts: 1,195, Reputation: 286
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    #11

    Dec 15, 2006, 03:47 PM
    Hey val,

    Sorry I mean Mrs Miyagi,

    How do I know my ex has not carried some baggage with her too.. I mean, she may or may not have loved me the way I did her but do you really forget someone who loves you that much?? When you know they do.

    Is this a silly question?

    How do you really know what anyone is thinking or feeling if you never see them anymore I guess..
    valinors_sorrow's Avatar
    valinors_sorrow Posts: 2,927, Reputation: 653
    I regard all beings mostly by their consciousness and little else
     
    #12

    Dec 15, 2006, 04:19 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane
    Hey val,

    Sorry I mean Mrs Miyagi,

    How do I know my ex has not carried some baggage with her too.. I mean, she may or may not have loved me the way i did her but do you really forget someone who loves you that much??? when you know they do.

    Is this a silly question??

    How do you really know what anyone is thinking or feeling if you never see them anymore I guess..
    Dear Geofferson-san,
    This is might take a whole lot of the magic out of it for some people but after you watch the antics of people... all kinds of people... all kinds of antics... especially the ones concerning romance and relationship you begin to see there aren't that many patterns and scripts because you see the same stuff again and again and again, OY. You begin to realise we are not so varied as humans. We really aren't. You begin to be able to extrapolate on an A + B = C basic and sooner or later you begin meeting yourself. LOL

    How do you know your ex hasn't carried baggage?. I tell you, I don't know! (Makes a pose like Fiddler On The Roof now LOL) How I know is I pay that close of attention to people, closer than most people (it started long ago for a long list of reasons).

    All I can tell you is I don't think anyone stops loving anyone, not really -- despite what they tell themselves or us. Nor do they forget being loved. What they do do and they are really crappy at owning up to this, frankly, is they stop trusting and they stop telling the truth. To themselves, to each other. Or with some they never did tell the truth to begin with. And that brings the whole INTIMACY part of it to a SCREECHING HALT. Not my rule so don't shoot the messenger here, okay? :p Its just how it works. Shrugs.

    Its not a silly question and here is the truest answer I can find for you, Geoff. Maybe one day you will be lucky enough to meet a fine woman, a woman who begins telling you her story and as she does you recognize the personality of the man she was with long ago. He is so like you were its uncanny. And so you listen closer and find she describes herself then in terms that would fit your ex. And so she tells you where she has been and how she has changed and you wonder if that could be so for your ex. My guess is, it probably is. But will it matter? No, it will only make a small nearly unnoticably wistful smile on your face as you finally see how huge life is and how small we are in it and it really will be okay, okay?
    love,
    Mrs Miyagi
    NJCUTIE77's Avatar
    NJCUTIE77 Posts: 48, Reputation: 6
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    #13

    Dec 15, 2006, 05:11 PM
    Geoff... You sound a lot like me actually... Please read the post that I had... says Please Help.. Need Advice Bad.. in relationships. I'm new to this site so I don't really know how to copy and paste and do all that stuff... but if you read my post, it will give you an idea of where I'm coming from with this. I read your post... and you sound just like me... at least with the way I'm thinking... And I agree... how could someone you love that much just forget you.. I don't think it's possible... I mean depending on the type of person they are... and if you did a lot for them and the relationship on the whole was great, which mine pretty much was for the most part, then I think that they won't forget you.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #14

    Dec 15, 2006, 08:51 PM
    then I think that they won't forget you.
    You are right, they probably will have fond memories all their lives of you. I know all my memories are pleasant to recall sometimes, even now 35 years later. That in no way means they WANT to rekindle the flames though does it?
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    NJCUTIE77 Posts: 48, Reputation: 6
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    #15

    Dec 15, 2006, 09:01 PM
    To Tal... One will never know I guess... People aren't psychic, so you could never really know what someone is thinking... Believe me... when my boyfriend was depressed, he would have HORRIBLE thoughts.. You would never in your right mind think that someone like this was capable of having the thoughts he had, but he did... So, I guess you never know... whatever is meant to be will be and under the circumstances of the break up, there are chances of rekindling.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #16

    Dec 15, 2006, 10:05 PM
    There are always a chance , slim though they be, of rekindling a relationship. The chances are greater that it won't happen. People grow and change. I do recognise that your case is especially heartbreaking, as your ex suffers from being bi-polar and MUST take his meds to be normal(?) or he has mood swings, or becomes manic. He also is in therapy, and that may be a long term thing. So I do know of what you've been through, and do admire the loyalty, and devotion, required to keep up with the demands of people with a special need and maintenance schedule. Right now though its not about him at all, its about you. That's all I want you to see and be concerned with. The most important thing right now is for you to be healthy, and you have to admit, you've been through more than the average person during this break-up. Its not unusual to hold out hope to be with the one you have bonded with, and care for deeply, its normal, and happens to all of us, believe me when I say all. But this is only a part of the process, not the whole process of getting healthy enough to deal with the reality of you situation. I forget, my apologies, how long its been, but I have been watching you, and others on this forum, to see where I can help, if I can, and I make a point to knowing where you are, and the fact you are still here confirms to me that you want to be healthy again, and retake your life. I want that too. Be patient a little longer and stay on the path, so you can be really ready for what life will put you through next. As you have said "whatever is mean't to be will be". I'm just trying to help you be ready. Hope this has made you think a little at least. And I will be watching, we all will.
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    NJCUTIE77 Posts: 48, Reputation: 6
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    #17

    Dec 16, 2006, 07:54 AM
    Hey Tal... that was some really good advice... Honestly, it's only been two weeks since this has happened, so it's all still very very fresh. You can't get over a deep love in two weeks... it definitely takes more time than that... And this whole thing is just so confusing... I don't know what to think. Someone referred me to Borderline Personality Disorder after reading my story. Last night, I went to Barnes and Nobel actually to shop for books, but found myself looking up this illness... My boyfriend (ex) fits some of that description perfectly... especially with this situation. When he would get on a topic that really made him upset he would literally flip out and you would think he was having a manic episode... He would get very very upset and it is usually over nothing.. something that shouldn't affect his life at all... Then during this whole situation, he was taking my side on everything that had happened... wanted me to be there during Thanksgiving, asking me what I wanted him to get me for Christmas... yiada yiada... then all of a sudden this guy causes the stress for him to have to move out of his place and therefore I'm the one to blame for it... And that's also why all my other posts I'm just hurting and trying to figure out what the heck happened... like everything he was saying about the "break"... and especially over the holidays... Now... another thing I have posted was that... he saw one of his old neighbors out... she's like 10 years younger than him with a boyfriend... well I don't know what they were talking about, but he tells her that he is the soon to be owner of the store he works in which I think is completely dillusional.. lol... I mean, he has worked there 6 months... $10 an hour... off the books... has no money, claimed bankruptcy... but I guess the person that doesn't know him could believe anything he says right... He moved out of that place that I mentioned in my other posts and is now living with 23 year olds in some house... which I also heard... he is 30... I don't know.. and that's why I think a lot of my situation has to do with his illness and isn't a normal "relationship" situation in this case. Oh.. and he doesn't go to therapy and isn't consistent with his meds... he doesn't even think he has bipolar... He did when he was depressed and knew something was wrong, but doesn't now... Ugh... advice please? Lol
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #18

    Dec 16, 2006, 08:59 AM
    As much as we feel for others we sometimes must realise that we can't help everyone, and not everyone wants our help. Either way we feel helpless as that person suffers. I can tell you from experience that one of the worst feelings in life is to know you can help and want to and they don't want it. THAT HURTS TO THE CORE! It cuts deep. You may never recover from that ever and you will always wonder could you have made a difference. A wise friend told me when I was down from feeling totally helpless, to not sit and wonder about what you think is a personal failure, because there are those who need and WANT your help. He was so right, and the feeling of being able to do what I had to for another, got me going again. So get yourself healthy, so you can help those that want your help. I still look back and wonder what if... then I get busy with what is. That's the path for me. I hope you got something from that ramble. WHEW!
    valinors_sorrow's Avatar
    valinors_sorrow Posts: 2,927, Reputation: 653
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    #19

    Dec 16, 2006, 09:17 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by NJCUTIE77
    I don't know.. and that's why I think a lot of my situation has to do with his illness and isn't a normal "relationship" situation in this case. Oh.. and he doesn't go to therapy and isn't consistent with his meds... he doesn't even think he has bipolar... He did when he was depressed and knew something was wrong, but doesn't now... Ugh..... advice please? Lol
    Mentally ill people who don't seek help are beyond the reach of any of us, including their families and doctors. I have seen this probably a hundred times. Its really sad since with help, many of them could lead fulfilling, dare I say "normal" lives. I am one such example and I know many others who manage their illness and are living well despite it.

    I also know plenty of people who are mentally ill who use their illness as an excuse. Its really very destructive for them, and for those who love them, especially the ones who cannot separate the illness from the "con". Those who have been where they are know differently. There is ill and there is bs. I think that is where you are having the hardest time with this Val since he does a good job with you of blurring those lines.

    Once you understand that he used his illness to essentially use you, you will have an easier time with this, I suspect. It's a tough pill to swallow, I know. But how else do you explain why he won't seek help? The bottom line here is you tried to rescue him, he isn't interested. It takes some getting used to the idea that you can only help those who want the help but it really is so very true. With any of us.

    It may seem crazy to you that some people would choose to remain ill so they can play the "hey I am not responsible" card over and over but that is precisely what they do. Normal life isn't attractive enough for them to grow up. And the whacked out part here is you don't even have to be mentally ill to play this game! People make this choie alllllllllllllllll the time. LOL
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    NJCUTIE77 Posts: 48, Reputation: 6
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    #20

    Dec 16, 2006, 09:42 AM
    Well... he knows that he has OCD.. and he accepts that... He no way in hell thinks that he's bipolar... Even the first time he was diagnosed with it before I met him... He once told me that people label bipolar people as "crazy".. and that he wasn't "crazy"... He honestly does not think there is anything wrong with him... So, with that, I don't think that he's using his illness as excuses... he just thinks he's normal.

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