[NeedAdivce]

Hi all, first of thank you for taking some time to read this. I would really appreciate your advice. I just feel so hopeless and really need someone to open up with as I don't have anyone to talk about what's been happening with my life cause I fear of friends close to me might judge or see me as someone who has no direction in life which I can say might be true.

I'm 23 years old, female and 9 years ago I came out to my family, friends and to everyone that I'm a lesbian. I went through a lots of things for first 2-3 years after I came out that I almost thought of suicide but now I'm okay as my family has already accepted it however I am not very close with them anymore and I still feel that still now, they are ashamed of me, reason why I never went out with them unless it’s my siblings or parent’s birthday dinner. I only have very few close friends, and I only go out like once-twice in 2 months and only if my close friends had their birthdays. Since 2014 I been to lot of places, I have traveled a lot as I feel I can only see myself happy when I travel and it's the main reason why I have too much debt.

I have been depressed on and off, I'm the kind of person who won't want to have long conversation to some people I know and even friends, like when I see my phone rings, I get panic and thinks why this person is calling me. Myself esteem is not high not low, just normal but honestly, whenever I am at work I feel fear or talking to some of the boss and managers because I keep thinking that maybe inside their head I am being judged because I am lesbian. My thinking is very negative and it frustrates me. I am not very close with my family, I hide my emotions to everyone which is very difficult for me as it makes me depressed. Just before new years eve, I was very depressed I felt very sad and my mind was thinking all negative, I was not in the mood to talk to anyone or hang out with anyone, I don’t feel any emotions at all for few weeks that I ended up booking a hotel room for new years eve until new years day to be alone. I lied to my family and friends that I was at work, but reality was I was so depressed and I kept myself isolated that I almost thought of hanging myself since no one cared about me.

I've stopped Uni on 2011, and not thinking of going back anymore. I work as part time in a hotel and I get 35-45 hours a week. I still live with my family and my family and friend thinks that I will be starting Uni this February but I don't have the guts to tell them that I won't be studying anymore and would like to save as I have so much debt that no one knows about.

I'm a very nice person to everyone, I'm the kind of person who likes to give more help not take as I don't want to bother them with their own schedule or finance. I feel so depressed and lost with my life that sometimes I feel so useless and ask myself why do I even exist. Right now, I don't have enough savings but I am thinking of moving out from my family and rent an apartment studio type by myself, I'm aware that sharing a room is much cheaper but I don't feel to share a house with strangers and I'd really want to be alone in a house. I know its not a good idea as I don't have enough savings and my credit card is almost running out but it's the only way that I think I can be by myself, and to teach myself what's priorities and etc and maybe see my purpose in life…Reason of my moving out is that I feel old and embarrassed to my family that my life seems useless and no direction. If you think this idea is not good can please someone comment please I really need help.. Thank you so much

Thank you for taking some time to read this.

[talaniman]

Sorry to hear of your difficulties, but the good news is you are not alone by a long shot. It is not usual at all for young people your age (Or any age) to be lost a bit, off course somewhat, or just overwhelmed and just feeling bad.

You can turn it around by reaching out to your most trusted friend, family, or PARENT, or DOCTOR, or reverend/iman/priest, and talking honestly and privately to them about all you are going through. You must first unburden yourself, so you can regroup and fresh eyes can help.

Even a very private loner like yourself needs a little help sometimes and you are no different. There is always a way, or a different path to take when the one you are on is a dead end. You just have to find it, so ask someone for directions and change your path.

The hardest part is are you willing to listen to what someone else has to say? If you are, talk to mom... or dad!

[joypulv]

Hi, NeedAdvice, I wish I had more time today to write, but I first want to ask you why you haven't gone online to find others like you, especially in your country (where is it, just for an idea)?

Here's a site called emptyclosets that might be good. You can see that it's arranged by types of questions. Empty Closets - A safe online community for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender people coming out - Powered by vBulletin

As for your debt, I advise that you STAY HOME until it is paid! You clearly have no idea how much it costs to live on your own.
Replace TRAVEL with ONE GOOD FRIEND near you, someone you can go for walks with for free.

I am ONLY talking for now about a few practical, concrete things because I can't stay.