[jshelton]

I've been in a relationship now for about 14 months. In the beginning, it was really rocky for the first month or two. At first I thought she was playing hard to get, but it became obvious to me that she was doing it on purpose. Eventually, I won over her heart and things changed. We starting having a real relationship together and I was really happy for it. Prior to this relationship, I had ended a 3 year relationship where I was cheated on more times that I ever want to admit. What began to hurt me most about this new relationship was that she was never willing to listen to me when I needed a friend. In fact, I learned early on that she is an extremely jealous person. This has lead to too major problems in this relationship: a lack of trust on both sides and an inability to communicate appropriately.

In the short year+ that we have been together, we have come to love and care about each other for many of our great qualities. She is hardworking, smart, sweet, and wants this relationship to work. I am so happy to be with someone that doesn't cheat on me. To be with someone that knows what they want in life. We compliment each other perfectly in terms of goals, tastes, food, and future dreams. It seems like a receipt for a great relationship. Yet, we can't seem to get this to work. Earlier in the relationship she broke my trust by taking it upon herself to go through my house when I was at work, digging into personal effects and disposing of everything and anything she believed might have had an connection to any other girl in my life prior to her. Throwing out cd's of photos of my family, old pets, and all, because it might have had a few photos of a high school girlfriend on it from many years back. I was extremely hurt by that. Clearly, she has no right to decide that for me, especially, without even talking to me about it. Since then, I have been very suspicious of her, password protecting my computer, and wondering if she'd ever do something like that again. Yet, I tried so hard to forgive her and to see and believe that she loves me. Truly, I don't care about the past, it is this relationship that is important. So I have tried to do whatever it takes to make it work. As time has gone on, she has shown to me that I am not allowed to use any online chat programs, anything like myspace, and that I am not allowed to have any female friendships. I know there are guys out there that always have 3 girls on deck, for when things don't work out, or because they just rotate between girls, playing them all. But I have never done that and find the idea disgusting. All I care about is having a good healthy relationship with this girl I love. Yet, it grows apparently to me that she continues contact with her old dates, ex's, or guy friends. I don't say much about it, because I trust her and don't care if she has male friends. I think it is healthy to have friends of both sexes. But, it really bothers me that she doesn't afford me that trust back. I am under constant scrutiny and questioning. The results is that I have lost all my friendships except her now. I hang out with her and her friends and have fun. But, I don't have any of my own friends anymore. As time went on, she ended up quitting a job and I offered to help her out by letting her move in with me. I do love her and care about her. But now that she lives with me, I feel even more controlled. Some of the situations are absolutely ridiculous. Once we went to a wedding for a friend of hers. Sitting at the reception table she freaked out on me in front of all her friends because she noticed some bimbo at the wedding and figured she was a threat and that I somehow had secret intentions for this girl, who I hadn't even seen until she began yelling at me about it.

This is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the insecurity she displays. I will admit at this point, I feel hurt that I have been punished so much for nothing that there have been times I do start to check girls out, because I'm just going to get yelled at no matter what, so it doesn't seem to matter. This obviously has fostered some terrible communication issues. I feel paralyzed to be able to share me feelings with her and to talk. When I do try to talk, the responses are overly drama, yelling, cursing, and just too much to handle. Sometimes I feel like she won't even acknowledge that I have feelings. I'm not going to claim to be any angel, but I really do want to have healthy communication with the one I care about, but it just seems impossible. She wants to nitpick every minute detail, to repeat the same dramatic phrases, and to justify her behavior. Sometimes I feel like she isn't even listening and is just playing a script. It has now gotten to the point where I am just numb to it. I just can't even response anymore. And it kills me because it is an emotionally roller coaster. We can go 4-5 days in absolutely bliss, and then it is WW3 all over again. I now feel like I have no choice but to break up with her. I really don't want to. I do feel there is a lot worth saving. But these issues just keep resurfacing and nothing it changing and I am just becoming more afraid of her reactions, whether in public, with friends, or in private. I have been vocal about wanting to end the relationship. But now she has planted herself in my house. She has exhausted all of her money and in significantly in debt to me and her credit cards. I almost feel like she has made it impossible for me to break up with her. I tell her I want to end it and that she needs to leave and move out, and then she says she has no where to go. She'll drive off, and then come crying back. I take her back because I love her and care about her, and don't want her sleeping on the street or something crazy. But I feel like this is becoming ridiculous. I should be able to break up. I know we both care about each other, but if its making me afraid in my own home, what am I do to? I care about her, I love her, I love that we have the best times together. But I'm so scared of that 5th day of fights that keeps coming. I'm just numb to the dramatics at this point and can't listen to any more of the insecurity, the jealousy, the screaming, the swearing. Please help. I have no friends to turn to anymore because of this relationship. I do love and care about her, but I am really afraid it just won't work, despite that I wish it could. I am sure I have my issues about being hurt from my past relationship, and it is killing my ability to even care anymore about all this drama. I feel like I just want to drive away and disappear for the day and walk when she keeps fighting. When I stay she gets me so worked up I fight back and then we both hate each other even more. I'm not even sure I believe it can work at this point. I'm not sure if I feel that burning feeling of love that I want. But yet, I know there is good in this relationship. I just don't know how to tap it without the bad always rearing its head. I'm just so exhausted and its been so traumatic for both of us at this point. Someone please tell me what to do and how? Thank you.

[SuperFudd]

My friend... I'll be your friend. You want this relationship to work, you said so yourself. You want to be with her. You very obviously love this girl. Me... I'd probably do very much the same thing in your position, so I recommend you NOT do that. You both need counselling. You both need a 3rd party to help you both listen and communicate. She's probably got quite a few issues with things in her past that she probably needs to work through with a therapist. Most people think going to a therapist means you're crazy, but trust me... it REALLY helps. Even for stupid things that you just can't handle and don't know how to deal with... talking to someone with training helps more than you'll ever know until you do it. Try to get her to agree to go to couples counselling with you, and go alone if she won't. Talk to someone trained in relationships in person and explain everything like you've done here and take their advice as well as others that I'm sure will post here. One thing for sure though is you need to stand up for yourself. I'm not calling you weak or gutless or anything, but like you said you've become numb to it. That's not good because it will just continue. You're very right... having your own friends is very important in any relationship, as well as having mutual friends. And having time to yourself is CRUCIAL! We humans are social creatures, but we all HAVE to have some time to ourselves to get in touch. My brother had a g/f just like yours (well without the screaming and cursing, she'd pull the silent treatment and crying). She was a little older, almost 28 by the time they met and got engaged. See, understand in Utah if you're not married by 23-24 you're old. She had serious issues about him leaving her alone and hanging out with his best friend and even brothers. Little by little he gave up the fight. And then married her. They've been married now for 2 1/2 years and he rarely sees his own family anymore. He never sees his former best friend of 10 years. He's miserable a lot of the time with his life because he can't get out and if he does, she's always there. She goes out of town every now and again and he calls me up a few days in advance making sure I have time to hang out with him so that he can just be himself again. I had a way to get him and me to Hawaii for 3 days totally free and she wouldn't let him go because she wouldn't be there to watch him. I called him one day asking if I could crash on his couch for the night... my own brother right? He had to call her and ask her for permission first! Don't turn out like my brother. Get help and do it quickly.

[victoria_mitchell]

It sounds like you have answered your own question several times...

What began to hurt me most about this new relationship was that she was never willing to listen to me when I needed a friend. In fact, I learned early on that she is an extremely jealous person. This has lead to too major problems in this relationship: a lack of trust on both sides and an inability to communicate appropriately.

Earlier in the relationship she broke my trust by taking it upon herself to go through my house when I was at work, digging into personal effects and disposing of everything and anything she believed might have had an connection to any other girl in my life prior to her. Throwing out cd's of photos of my family, old pets, and all, because it might have had a few photos of a high school girlfriend on it from many years back. I was extremely hurt by that. Clearly, she has no right to decide that for me, especially, without even talking to me about it.

I now feel like I have no choice but to break up with her.


I'm just numb to the dramatics at this point and can't listen to any more of the insecurity, the jealousy, the screaming, the swearing. Please help. I have no friends to turn to anymore because of this relationship


Obviously no one is perfect but there is more than just imperfection here. I would break up with this girl if you feel that strongly about what she has/is doing. The question you have to ask yourself in this relationship, as well as any other, after acknowledging the fact that everyone has there faults is;

This perosn has faults, can I deal with this persons imperfections for the rest of my life just the way they are now??

You can't expect her to change, and if you do expect her to change, well then I would say you're living in a fantasy world. Hardly anyone changes, and you shouldn't ask them to change who they are for you people will only change when they decide to change for themselves.

[clarityseeker]

Jshelton, it's tough when you're so close to the situation that you can't see clearly. But it sounds like you're looking for a way out, and your gut is telling you that this is not going to work in the long haul. And I agree with Victoria - this girl is not going to change her behaviour. Once a relationship dynamic has been established, it's difficult to alter. Even significant time apart or counselling are still maybes. I think that you should trust your gut on this one and start to formulate a plan to disentangle yourself from this emotional mess.