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Righthearted · Apr 5, 2007, 11:19 AM

I know this seems like an (un)popular subject but here goes-
I've been together with my girl for a little over a year and a haf and this last week had THE TALK. She says that she doesn't have the spark/chemistry in our relationship and that she loves me but isn't in love. That she know I'm the only one she's ever been comfortable with and she knows that she can count on me for anything. There were a lot of things we discussed during the talk, she feels like I'm too secretative when it comes to financial issues (which I have been) and that she doesn't have her own identity - which I agree with. No true friends of her own. I'm pretty much all she really identifies with. But from the beginning of our dating SHE was always the one who was needy and kind of controlling. Anyway I asked that we try to pull back on our relationship instead of just ending it, and that the space/break would be good. She agreed. But here's the rub, she still calls me and we had to meet the other day just briefly and she hugged and kissed me and sometimes says I love you. All this after she said that she doesn't know what our status is and for me to not wait for her. To complicate matters she has a ton of her personal stuff at my apartment (because we we're looking into living together - again something she always wanted more). Is she just confused? She's younger than me 14 years but has always been more mature for her age. I'm at a loss. I don't want to just not call her back when she calls me- I'm not about games. Please help - suggestions?

chuff · Apr 6, 2007, 02:12 PM

As far as her stuff goes I think you should give it back to her and tell her that since it's her stuff she needs to hold onto it at this time. That's fair and honest for the both of you.

I think since she told you not to wait for you, you should act as though you've broke up. I'm not sure I would say it's permanent but if you wait for her or at her beck and call then it's not going to work.

I think at this point you have to not call her back when she calls you. Because by her own admission her spark for you is gone. If you talking to her in any capacity that spark will continue to be dead. But if you gone and out of her life the spark might reignight because she starts thinking about you in your absence and starts missing you. I'm not saying that's a guarantee but it's your best option at this time.

Righthearted · Apr 9, 2007, 07:48 AM

This is where my girlfriend and I are now - in her own words.

We are taking a little break but we are still talking and stuff. We aren't talking as much and we do our own thing during the week. I also don't sleep over his house anymore. I just don't know what I want. Who does know, anyway?

We spent the Easter holiday together and we still kiss when we part/depart. A little hand holding and arm locking. TOTALLY confused.

talaniman · Apr 9, 2007, 07:55 AM

You really need to talk and define the terms of this little break so you both know where you stand.

Righthearted · Apr 9, 2007, 08:03 AM

But I really don't think she knows how she feels about us right now. She just graduated from college, trying to figure out her career, she really only has us - she's really trying to find her way/identity.

johnny-b-good · Apr 9, 2007, 08:29 AM

Just talk to them and just say that I'm confused about our relationship.

talaniman · Apr 9, 2007, 11:02 AM

We are taking a little break but we are still talking and stuff.

If your so confused, and she is confused, you should talk about it, and see what she means about a break. To do anything else will leave you confused, and by my way of thinking where there is no communication, there is no relationship.

We spent the Easter holiday together and we still kiss when we part/depart. A little hand holding and arm locking. TOTALLY confused.

Instead of holding hands and kissing, ask her what the heck this break stuff is about.

Righthearted · Apr 9, 2007, 09:02 PM

Well today is the first day she didn't call - and I didn't call her, we've been together for over a year and a half. What does this mean in our relationship?

talaniman · Apr 9, 2007, 09:52 PM

It means you have to give her what she wants... a break.

Righthearted · Apr 9, 2007, 09:58 PM

I shouldn't call her either? I feel like if I don't that it's playing games we've never been about that.

Clough · Apr 9, 2007, 10:18 PM

If you stay together, you are going to develop rituals (things that you do) in your relationship. Some of them will remain the same. All are subject to change. One day without a phone call is not going to kill you.

Communicating is paramount to a relationship. And, it does take practice for both parties in a relationship. It is one of the building blocks for the relationship to develop and continue into the future. Can't read people's minds. Also, can't control their actions.

Sounds like she needs a break. And, frankly, maybe you do too. Remember, that you are both at the stage in life where you need to be carving out your niche in the world - learning, abilities, skills, job possibilities, etc.

Communication. You might want to start by saying something like the following: "Hey! I'm really having a problem with something, and I hope that you can help me with it." "Do you think that we should talk? Because, I'm not sure what you mean by this break stuff." Puts the ball in her court and makes her feel good because she is helping you.

talaniman · Apr 10, 2007, 04:06 AM

Originally Posted by Righthearted

i shouldn't call her either? i feel like if i don't that it's playing games we've never been about that.

You're the one confused at this point my friend and since you can't come up with the right way to deal with it leave her alone, rather than stumble and fail.
If you can't talk, and define this break, and no what it is she means you will stay confused. Reread this thread and the advice given to get your answers.
Instead of holding hands, you should be talking and listening. And ask directly what she means by a break! That would have been my first question when she brought up this break stuff.
Otherwise leave her alone.

Righthearted · Apr 10, 2007, 08:58 AM

Well she calls this morning and wants to take a walk with me this evening - hang out.

Is this a good thing? I feel like it is.

lincoln20 · Apr 10, 2007, 01:48 PM

Originally Posted by Righthearted

This is where my girlfriend and I are now - in her own words.

We are taking a little break but we are still talking and stuff. We aren't talking as much and we do our own thing during the week. I also don't sleep over his house anymore. I just don't know what I want. Who does know, anyways?

We spent the Easter holiday together and we still kiss when we part/depart. A little hand holding and arm locking. TOTALLY confused.

Don't want to sound negative but that's where me and my ex started to go wrong! You need to talk to her find out the real reasons, possible could be spending too much time together!
Think about it!
Good luck mate!

Righthearted · Apr 23, 2007, 11:58 AM

UPDATE -
So here's what's going on now. A couple of Friday's ago we went out for dinner (had a great time) and ended the night with a passionate kiss.

This last weekend she had a girl's weekend with her sister - something she hasn't done in a long time and we saw each other briefly on Sunday.

I don't have any idea what I'm doing - we hold hands and kiss lightly and we still hang out (just no overnights). I don't want to fall into the "friend" category, yet I'm giving her space. Should I try to have another "talk" with her and see where we're at? Or will this put too much pressure on her?

lincoln20 · Apr 23, 2007, 04:09 PM

Just give it time, going through a similar situation now, I talk to her friend most days and she says "just hang in there give her space"! Put it this way if she didn't want you she would'nt be kissing you and holding hands!
Let me know how it goes!
Good luck!

talaniman · Apr 23, 2007, 05:53 PM

I don't have any idea what I'm doing

That's because your doing as your told, and have yet bothered to define the terms of this so called break up. All I've been saying is you two haven't bothered to communicate, so now you let her set the whole pace for how it goes. Get off your arse here, and ask her point blank what the hells going on. Are you so blind not to know your moving backwards?? When a woman cuts you off, and still is affectionate its called control, so find out what the truth is.

Righthearted · Apr 23, 2007, 06:02 PM

We have defined the terms.
She still calls me and we get together for dinner and stuff and we do things together. Neither of us are trying to see other people, she told her friend (girl) who is also a mutual friend of mine that we get along a lot better now that we don't see each other every day-waking moment. I understand relationships are supposed to progress - I just want things to be the way they were before. And I do understand that it could be a control thing but she doesn't play games. She'll call me a lot and even say that it was she that asked for the break- confusion city.

Righthearted · Apr 24, 2007, 07:58 AM

So I drove by her house last night and she saw my car drive by - was this a bad move on my part? She thought I was going to stop by but I didn't.

She asked me if I did and I said yes. Was this a major foul-up on my part?

Righthearted · Apr 29, 2007, 05:45 AM

My girlfriend of almost 2 years has broken up with me because she can't grow as a person as long as she depends on me for so much. She only has work and had our relationship- no friends where I have lots of friends. She is also confused as to what direction her life is going. I am her best friend-she told me and her mother also told me this, and I want to be there for her but at the same time she doesn't want to be in a romantic relationship.
She is 22 and just finished college where I am 35 but am in no rush to put pressure on her as far as marriage, things like that.

It's only been about a week and I'm having a real hard time with this. What do I do?
Should I still be friends with her in the hopes that we will eventually be together again?

Thanks.