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chanchan87 · Dec 28, 2009, 04:08 PM

Hello!

I am a very stressed 22 year old engaged to a wonderful man! My fiancé and I wanted to be married back at Christmas but decided it would be better to be married in march so we could save some money and give my family time to adjust to me (the only girl and baby of the family) to getting married. We have been engaged since July. We are very ready to be married. Being Married would cut my stress more than in half. I am in nursing school and work as a tech at a local hospital. I also drive about three hours a day to school in one city to work in another city and back home in another city. After we get married I will not half to work as many hours at the hospital and it will cut my driving time in half! Not to mention we are Christains and don't believe in living together or having premarital sex. There are probably a million more reasons we are ready to be married but the fact is that WE are ready! My parents though are having a tough time with finances, not just them, but my whole family is in real estate and that has hit bottom! My fiancé and I are paying for everything and my parents feel horrible that they can't help. I know they love me and would help if they could. They have begged me to push the wedding back some more so that maybe they could help us. I have tried to be really nice and understanding of their position but the fact is that I feel like I am suppose to be married now and feel like I should have gotten married months ago. I am sooo very stressed and something's got to give! And even when I nicely ask them to just do what they can and it means the world to me just for them to be there they get angry with me and claim I am selfish and don't care about them! Very frustraited! Need any helpful advice... thought about doing a very small 20 person wedding and then waiting a few months to have a big party/ reception. I don't know all thoughts welcomed!!

J_9 · Dec 28, 2009, 04:12 PM

How long have the two of you been dating?

chanchan87 · Dec 28, 2009, 04:34 PM

Two and a half years. Met back in high school. Found each other again a few years later...

J_9 · Dec 28, 2009, 04:39 PM

What are their arguments against getting married right now?

I'm just trying to get the full picture.

I once was in your position, then 2 years ago was in your parents' position when my son wanted to get married. I just need to get perspective from both sides before I try to help.

HistorianChick · Dec 28, 2009, 04:45 PM

So, you live at your parent's home, correct? First thing I would recommend doing is to move out on your own...

You've been dating for 2 1/2 yrs and have been engaged for 5 months. If the solution to your problem is just getting married for convenience of location, move closer and make your parents happy.

I'm not really seeing that they are trying to be controlling here, simply that they want to help. It doesn't seem that you feel they are doing this maliciously either... what's the harm in waiting?

Maybe I'm coming from a "non-confrontation" personality... but I've also been in a relationship that didn't have the blessing of my parents... and I know the heartache that it can cause... what's the problem with waiting a bit longer?

Fr_Chuck · Dec 28, 2009, 08:38 PM

You set a date, and be done with it, merely explain it is not subject to discussion,

And many couples, while not my preference do merely live together for a shot time before getting married,

asking · Dec 28, 2009, 08:47 PM

I think it's your wedding--particularly as it's small and you are paying for it. I agree with Fr. Chuck.

One thing that occurs to me is how much of this impatience is sexual frustration. I hope you are not getting married mainly for that reason without admitting it to yourself. Could the other reasons you gave just be rationalizations? Just asking. I don't know.

chanchan87 · Dec 29, 2009, 02:55 PM

OK so I didn't put a lot of details in my question because it already seemed too long! But My parents are not against the relationship or against us getting married. We have both prayerfully considered marrying one another. I have been in a previous relationship with a man and previously engaged to a man that my parents hated and I know the heartache that comes from a situation like that... I did not want to rush into another engagement and I certainly haven't. I was single for a year after the last relationship and before my fiancé and I started dating we had been just friends for several months. I am not sexually frustraited and I think that is a really big mistake to marry for sex. I cannot live on my own because I cannot afford it I go to school at 7 in the morning leave and work to 7:30 at night and I work all weekend. I am in nursing school which if you are a nurse you would understand that the course requires a lot of time and energy and basically most people do not work or live on their own while in school unless they are receiving help, and some are already married and their spouse provides most of the income. So I have prayerfully considered this marriage feel like I should have already married this man. My parents love him and their only objection is that they are too broke to help us. Further more our conscious will not allow us to live together without being married we both want to work in ministry and cannot afford to live outside of God's will. Just cant. I know that deep in my heart that I was meant to be his wife. I know. I fasted. I prayed. I got my answer. Its only an issue of hurting my parents feelings or burning out from stress... What I would really like is to talk with someone who has had a small wedding and then later had a big party. My mom has mentioned us getting secretly married and then having a wedding later. I would much appreciate ideas and if anyone had any past regrets from doing something like that...

J_9 · Dec 29, 2009, 03:32 PM

My son married quietly by a justice of the peace prior to going to Iraq. He wanted his wife to have his benefits should something happen to him.

This summer will be their first wedding anniversary. At that time their minister has agreed to marry them in a celebration ceremony. It will be a pig party with a rather large reception.

I was in nursing school. I do understand the demands that it takes.

chanchan87 · Dec 29, 2009, 04:01 PM

I saw that you were!! I am stressed!! My mom even understands that! I guess that's why she doesn't understand why I don't just move in with him... but is your future daughter-in-law is OK with that? I mean what do you think about getting married and then having a wedding later? My dad thinks its crazy and my mom is OK with it? I just don't want to look back later and wish that I had just had the wedding I wanted to begin with. Plus my fiancé really doesn't want that, He thinks I deserve to have my family and friends and the dress and all that. He really doesn't want me to regret it? Its tough. Thought about having a small family only wedding and then a big party later but I have already asked friends to be in the wedding and everyone wants to help in some way... I have a friend who wants to do the catering and the cake for just the cost of the food and we have a friend who wants to do the photography etc. not to mention they are both extremely talented at what they are offering, I mean I guess I feel so blessed that all of our friends are pulling together to make our wedding happen, its just I am my parents baby girl and I don't want to hurt them!oh and the date that we picked is my spring break so we could have a honeymoon which has also for the most part been given to us. Mom want me to get married in April during school and maybe do a honeymoon later... I wish I had a creative solution that would make everyone happy!

J_9 · Dec 29, 2009, 04:06 PM

What semester are you in in nursing school? How much longer do you have to go?

As far as my son and DIL... we were all fine with it. It was a simple ceremony with only family involved. They were married last July. This July there will be a church ceremony with all the pomp and circumstance. She will have her day... she will wear her dress.

Having the wedding during spring break is a wonderful idea. I had a classmate who did that as well.

What you and your fiancé and your parents need to do is to sit down and make a list of what needs to be done and when it needs to be done by, how much it will cost and who will pay for it.

Then make a list of pros and cons of getting married during spring break. If it is affordable and if the list of pros is longer than the list of cons... voila, get married during spring break!

redhed35 · Dec 29, 2009, 04:14 PM

Is there any middle ground?

A compromise that will suit all of you?

Have you tried everyone sitting down and finding a date that suits you all... or your parents paying for something towards the wedding or honeymoon,or even helping towards a deposit on a flat or house when the tinme comes.

Don't forget trying to please everyone is going to be difficult,planning a wedding should be fun,but mostly its stressful.

Ask for help in cutting out the stress while the talks are in process.

chanchan87 · Dec 30, 2009, 03:14 PM

I just finished my first semester of nursing school! What an adjustment! :) But we have come to a resolution!! My fiancé and I will be getting married Jan 22 on a Friday. Just a small private ceremony with immediate family, then later in the year we are planning a bigger wedding with everyone! I am very excited and relieved!! Thanks everyone for your input!!

redhed35 · Dec 30, 2009, 03:18 PM

Originally Posted by chanchan87

I just finished my first semester of nursing school! what an adjustment! :) But we have come to a resolution!!!! My fiance and I will be getting married Jan 22 on a Friday. Just a small private ceremony with immediate family, then later in the year we are planning a bigger wedding with everyone! I am very excited and relieved!!!! Thanks everyone for your input!!!!

I'm glad everything has worked out...

Congrats and I wish you a very happy future together.

J_9 · Dec 30, 2009, 03:24 PM

Congrats!! I'm glad everything worked out for you.

Yes, the first semester is an adjustment... the last semester is a ball buster! I'm happy to hear you have such a supportive family. You will need it during that last semester.

asking · Dec 30, 2009, 04:45 PM

Congratulations!

By the way, I had two friends who wanted to invite a lot of people but could not afford an expensive wedding. So it was a potluck wedding. I was assigned to make the wedding cake, big enough for 100 people. I practiced the weekend before with a smaller cake. It came out great. Everyone did something and it was one of the best weddings I've been to.

If you wanted to organize your friends you can have your wedding cake and eat it too.

Congratulations again!