[imissher]

Tal bro, I forgot to include that her dad called me the other day. He asked if I was alrite because he and my ex's mom were concerned about me. I calmly said "yeah, im cool, im doing alrite". I said "im sorry for everything, i wish it didnt happen this way, by the way, hows everybody doing there?"

My ex's dad replied "Well, everybody here is really sad", then he continued to say that my ex is depressed and sad.

I guess it's a fact that she's sad and depressed, and possibly regretting her decision? I don't want to get caught up about what she's thinking, but I know for sure she isn't happy.

[chuff]

Because when she left a couple of days ago, it was a spur of the moment kinda thing.

Remember that she left randomly, i have not done anything wrong to hurt her, hence she still has to have SOME feelings, otherwise she would be heartless. She can't throw away 3 yrs and be happy right after.

She didn’t leave on a spur of the moment or randomly. She knew this was coming for months. She let herself down emotionally before she ever told you. It didn’t happen overnight. It happened over months maybe up to a year in advance. You are the one that just found out. She knew all along.

[Gawain]

I am going through the same thing. It sounds like you have not accepted it is over, and you are living in denial, Its easier to believe this because the real truth of the situation is she does not care about you, and this is far to painful for you to accept... Stop holding on and move on with you're life otherwise you will prolong you’re pain and you will not get over her , iI know it hurts like hell man I have cried myself to sleep as well, but she is out there getting on with her life she no longer cares about you. Move on and the right person will come along when you least expect it. And it was not you’re fault the relationship failed some women are very complex you did everything right you treated her well (like I did) but some women like the challenge of a bad boy but often these women will come unstuck and in years to come will wish they had a man like you again… let them live and learn . Be yourself and someone will come along who will appreciate you..

When one door of happiness closes, another one opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one, which has been opened for us

[Geoffersonairplane]

Hello there,

Sorry to hear about your pain. I too have gone through this 6 months ago when my ex of 3 years left me. I was devastated, what made it worse, was that I was engaged to her and thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. I really loved her and it really was a tough thing to go through. I did the sames as you, I was hoping she would come back, every day for 2 or 3 months I was in denial and thought I could use no contact to get her back. People on here like Chuff, Skell, Val, Tal, Wildcat and many others all helped drum some very good advice into me and I suggest you listen very closely to all of them. Everything they say is for your own benefit and most if not all of them speak from experience. Nothing will bring her back my friend, there is nothing you can do, she has to want that inside. At 6 months post breakup, my ex is still my ex and I have given up maybe 3 months ago on the idea of using no contact to get her back. It just is not going to happen. I am not saying that I don't look back now and then, because I do and there is nor real time scale to follow. You will take as long as your heart needs, anything from 6 months to perhaps a year. I can tell you that time does heal and I feel far better than I did 4 months ago. A lot of support from people here really helped me and seeing your thread made me think about my breakup. I do think though you are way too needy and clingy and this will have pushed her far away. I think you actually could do well to be alone for a while and work on yourself. You should never make someone your whole world, ever. You are in major denial and you must give up or at least begin to let go of the hope that she will come back and prepare yourself for the worst. I am sorry if my words don't provide much comfort but speaking from experience, I know that hope is a dangerous thing in that it can hold you back. I bet you get through this and it would not surprise me if you are speaking like I am to someone else who is feeling what you are now in 6 months or so. You just need to give yourself time to grieve my friend and trust me, this will get better, it really will. Take a look at my first thread if you like, and you will see that what you are feeling is quite normal. The only thing about you is that you have a lot to learn with how you dealt with this relationship. You have a chance to take this knowledge and learn from your mistakes and use it in the next relationship. You are actually a winner here even though it may not seem like it.

Take Care!

[Geoffersonairplane]

But lately, she had wanted to leave. I have counted a LOT of times where i had to literally beg on my knees for her to stay.

You see, this proves that she wanted out for a long time but perhaps felt guilty and found it hard to do this to you as you are a nice guy.

I would give her everything she wanted... gifts, flowers, cards and letters, patience, devotion, my love and commitment. It wasnt enough... she would then want to keep leaving, until finally she did. I was devasted because i had given EVERYTHING i had...i tried my best to make it work and make it happy even when i was dying inside.

This shows that you are a nice person but you gave too much in the hope that this would satisfy her. Essentially, you became her puppy dog, you gave her way too much of you. I don't doubt you are a nice person, and this should not happen to nice people but there is a difference between nice and good and there should be balance. This is something you can learn from, I'm not suggesting you become the 'jerk' that young women usually feel attracted to because in the end women want good guys who love and respect them. You are a good guy, don't ever change that, always be true to others and yourself. The only thing you need to do is get busy doing other things in life that a woman is just an add on. You must still love and respect her but don't give all of yourself, Jealousy and clingyness are highly unattractive personality traits and few women will put up with this for long. You can change, you must understand first where you went wrong. It may not be repairable for this ex but it will help you for a future relationship.

I think i smothered her too much to the point where shes just sick of me.

Why would she want to leave?

She left you because you pushed her away with smothering her.. You answered your own question without realising it.

but i know deep in my heart that she loves me.

....

That is what you want to believe and is part of your denial. You can't speak for her because you really can't speculate on how she is feeling. She may be relieved she has finally left you and succeeded. Her depression may have little to do with you. Of course, there is always a chance that she may miss you but you thinking on those terms 24/7 is really going to eat you up inside.

[think_pink]

Are you sure you didn't do anything really bad to her... well what can I say... I hate to say this but she left... I don't think there's a way to make her come back cause like you said that happened before but she staid after all this time she left I don't think there's a way to make her come back

[Geoffersonairplane]

are you sure you didnt do anything really bad to her ... well what can i say ... i hate to say this but she left ... i dont think theres a way to make her come back cause like u said that happened before but she staid after all this time she left i dont think theres a way to make her come back

Yes, he did do something bad, not to her but to the relationship, he smothered her and he recognises it. This is how he will improve and work on himself and get healthy for the next relationship. The only way is up from here..

[Geoffersonairplane]

Forgot to say, never beg, it puts her on a pedestal and is a huge ego boost. I won't lie, I did the begging thing when it happened to me but it did no good. It confirmed to her that she could have me whenever she wanted (which she can't because I'm not going to be a doormat) or at the most, made me look needy at the time. Of course, I was in shock and quite often people panic in the first month and it is hard to control this behavior. Begging never works and why should you have to beg someone to love you? Don't you want to be with someone who wants to be with you rather than being forced to through a guilt trip?

[imissher]

Hey guys,

I seriously apoligize for making this thread so friggin long. And I thank everybody for their patience and support. But here it goes:

Everybody is saying that, she is gone, leave her, forget her, she wanted to leave you, work on yourself, your in denial, blah blah. I understand. I understand that smothering her wasn't the best idea and it drove her away to the point where she is gone now. She had wanted to leave for a long time, that is true. But in that period, we did have great moments where we honestly both thought we could make it. We sat down, and had heart-to-heart talks where I knew, FOR SURE, it was OK. The things that would make her want to leave was when I started being snoopy, asking where she's been all day, calling her, checking her phone, accusing her of cheating for no reason, and all the other obsessive things I shouldn't have done. My obssessiveness and jealousness caused her to leave. It was her decision, but ultimately it was my fault. So basically, every time I would do something wrong, I would beg for her to come back. This time, she decided to leave for good, because promises just weren't enough. Even though she left me now and been wanting to for the longest time, we had GOOD moments, not fake moments, true good moments.

The break-up, is still unresolved. I cannot speak for her, true, but I have a good guess that she is finding out what life is like without me in it. As her dad said, she is depressed and sad, which I have a good guess, is because she is thinking about her decision to leave.
My friends called me, and said that she has been home all week since the break up. I hardly doubt that she is celebrating, but more so trying her hardest to get over me. Also, her stuff (which is valuable, one of which is a psp) is still at my house. My clothes are still at her place. Why isn't she asking for it? (Im guessing she's still thinking about her decision, otherwise she wouldve called for her stuff the very next day)

Which brings me to this point, I want her to call. I am not using no-contact in hopes of getting her back. I am using it to get any sort of response from her. I need that call, to let her know I'm doing great without her, and if she decides to end it, then fine, and if she wants to continue to talk and work things out, then great for me. Either way, I need closure. I cannot hang on to false hopes.

I cannot deny that I want everything to work out perfectly. Nor, am I expecting it. I just need her to call, to know for sure.

As for advice, can anyone tell me why she isn't calling? And what should I do at this point, contact or no contact? If I want to maximize my chances of getting her back, what should I do?

Don't suggest me to leave, and work on myself, blah blah, I have heard that a billion times and I understand it from that perspective. Now I need advice on a "positive perspective".

Thnks a billion, I honestly appreciate it.

[ForeverZero]

She's not calling because she's not ready to. Remember the last conversation you two had. You were desperate and clingy. She doesn't want to talk to desperate and clingy you. Right now that's the only you she can think of. Let her remember that there was a time that you weren't that way, and make the decision then. These things take some time.

[Nosnosna]

I just need her to call

Everything about this break boils down to this one thing. And therein lies your problem.

As for advice, can anyone tell me why she isn't calling?

She doesn't want to. Or she doesn't need to. Or she isn't ready to.

And what should I do at this point, contact or no contact?

You need to start no contact. Yes, start it. Talking to her, agonizing over communication, talking to her family and friends, talking to mutual friends about her... all of that breaks every single rule there is about no contact.

There won't be a point at which we'll recommend anything else, by the way, and no matter how much you think you understand, it's clear from your posts that you don't.

If I want to maximize my chances of getting her back, what should I do?

Nothing. At this point, there is nothing you can do. Anything you do will make it worse.

Please note that this is exactly the same as we've advised all through this... nothing has changed.

Here are your options: Take the advice that's been given, time and time again, or take charge, call her up, and end it.

[imissher]

Lol, I'm so screwed over.

[chuff]

I seriously apoligize for making this thread so friggin long. and i thank everybody for their patience and support.

No apologies necessary. When I first read this post I was not really sure if we were getting through to you. I'm still not convinced but you're a hard headed guy and I will give you all the credit in the world you still keep coming back. Your at least willing to keep hearing advice.

Why isnt she asking for it? (Im guessing shes still thinking about her decision, otherwise she wouldve called for her stuff the very next day)

Maybe she doesn't value her stuff as much as you think she does. Maybe she's using it as bait to sucker you in later. Her stuff is not exactly a high priority right now and if your stuff is nut up and call her and tell her that you want it back and set up a meeting time. Your emotional stability is what's most important and despite the fact you claim that we keep saying the same thing over and over you aren't taking it in at all.

We've all been where you at. Not one of us had a “coach” to guide us through like you've gotten from all of us. We all learned the hard way. You can too or you can accept what were saying and start applying it.

I need that call, to let her know im doing great without her,

That fact that you NEED that call speaks to exactly what we are all trying to communicate with you. She doesn't need any guy that needs her. She needs a man and your not even acting like a boy, your acting like a baby.

Either way, i need closure.

This isn't high school anymore. This isn't a movie. Your fantasy land feelings don't translate into real life. Closure is something you give yourself. It is not something she can give you.

I cannot hang on to false hopes.

She broke up with you and now she's ignoring you. What false hopes could you be speaking about?

As for advice, can anyone tell me why she isnt calling?

Why does she have to? Sometimes people need space and after getting rid of your clinginess she needs a break and the time to refocus. You do too and the posters here have offered you a wealth of advice if you'd actually stop and really apply it instead of disregarding it as though you know what were saying and “it's all the same blah, blah, blah.”

And what should i do at this point, contact or no contact? If i want to maximize my chances of getting her back, what should i do?

You should no contact. This is a great example of what I'm talking about. You've had 5 pages of advice on this thread and you've got another thread out there with more advice and more than one person has told you to put no contact in place. You hearing it but your not listening to it. You want the magic formula like the movies offer. Well that doesn't work here. The best you've got is to disappear and make her miss you. In fact that's all you've got.

dont suggest me to leave, and work on myself, blah blah, i have heard that a billion times and i understand it from that perspective. Now i need advice on a "positive perspective".

So you've heard it a billion times? How many times have you applied it?

Just reading that above quote speaks volumes to me about how far gone you are. I know you can't see it but the rest of can. Someday in the very far off future if you reread this you will too.

[jonny111]

Ill try keeping this short so its easy to understand:

My girlfriend and i have been together for 2-3 yrs. We are both 19 yrs old. Everything was nothing short of perfect until the last couple of months. During the "perfect" period, we had healthy relationship problems, arguements, and we would always work things out.

But lately, she had wanted to leave. I have counted a LOT of times where i had to literally beg on my knees for her to stay. And everytime i would better myself and fix the problem. I would give her everything she wanted... gifts, flowers, cards and letters, patience, devotion, my love and commitment. It wasnt enough... she would then want to keep leaving, until finally she did. I was devasted because i had given EVERYTHING i had...i tried my best to make it work and make it happy even when i was dying inside. I would cry myself to sleep and wake up the next morning to ask for more. I love her, and she says she loves me all the time, she also says there is no one else (i am 100% sure about this).

We had planned our future together(i know were younge but still...), the kind cars, houses, kids and all that. It just kills me to look back at all the letters and pictures we had together.

I have given her "space" before, and it worked, but this time it feels like she can actually leave me for good. She had wanted to leave for a long time, the only reason why she didnt, is because i promised to be better and really REALLY begged for her to stay.

As for myself, i think im too jealous and insecure, i would always call her and stay by her side literally everyday. I think i smothered her too much to the point where shes just sick of me.

Why would she want to leave?:( What can i do to get her back? Is there even a chance?

She left me coz she said she wasnt happy to be with me, she said i made her sad, she says she didnt want "me" anymore, but i know deep in my heart that she loves me.

Help :(
its eating me alive....

I'll help you! What you need to do is leave her alone for a while your being to clingy and if you really love this girl then give her some space and ask her what she wants to do that day? I think if you did get back together you should maybe have days out with friend on your own and make there something to look forward to by seeing each other and also you both will have something other than what you can have to eat for tea! Then she will have her space and you will have time to think what you can do in how ever days time! Hope a bit of advise will help.

[Glimpse]

You've received many opinions so far. But I doubt any of us can tell you what to do. Here's my experience.. Together for almost 2 years. I love him more than you can imagine. He does love me too. But I have tried to leave at least 4 times (unusual for me), because I was too fed up with the way he treated me very often, and every time I tried to leave it tears me apart. I am happy that we are still together, but no one knows for how long. So why don't you two just meet and talk. Just ask her if she loves you or not. If yes, tell her you love her and from this point its all in her hands. If no, then no point in wasting your time. Just say okay, wish her luck and a nice life and go home... Both cases it will be all up to her. Good luck!

[Geoffersonairplane]

Chuff has said it best on here I would say and you must re-read everything on this thread. I don't believe you are really listening. I don't mean that in a nasty way but you really are not accepting much here. You say you understand but then contradict yourself and come back to the issue of getting her back. I know how you are feeling as I have been there and it does hurt, but you must try and make positive actions. Most of what you are doing is largely negative. You say you want positive advice and I believe you have received that. You are perceiving positive as something drawn from what you want to happen (getting her back). The reality is that she is gone and most probably will not be coming back. It will take time to understand but you will get this in time. You will still get your moments even 6 months down the line but you will get through this, I promise.

[imissher]

Yeah.. I'm in a huge state of denial. Good news though, I am starting to feel better, however, remember that the thread started with "I want her back. but how?" IF I wanted to get over her, or make my life better, or work on myself, then I wouldve changed the name of the thread.

Not to hate on the advice you guys gave me, believe me, I have taken it all in and it has helped a lot, and I can't even begin to thank you guys. Over time I will understand, but for now... I'm trying the best I can do to get her back. Im not expecting it, in fact I'm preparing for the worst, but hey, what's wrong with trying one last time. I got nothing to lose, I've already lost everything.

By the way. 1 week of no contact... haha I didn't think I could do it...

Peaaaaaace.

[Wildcat21]

I'd forget about for now. Work on yourself. Grow up. Become a man.

[LBP]

By telling you to leave we're giving you the only advice that could possibly work in bringing her back... Running to her will just drive her away. Seriously!!

The nice bonus about what we're telling you is that you'll come to realize that you didn't really need her to be happy, anyway... Likely, she has all ready realized the same thing about you.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Yeah.. im in a huge state of denial. Good news though, i am starting to feel better, however, remember that the thread started with "I want her back. but how?" IF i wanted to get over her, or make my life better, or work on myself, then i wouldve changed the name of the thread.

Not to hate on the advice you guys gave me, believe me, i have taken it all in and it has helped a lot, and i can't even begin to thank you guys. Over time i will understand, but for now... im trying the best i can do to get her back. Im not expecting it, in fact im preparing for the worst, but hey, whats wrong with trying one last time. I got nothing to lose, ive already lost everything.

btw. 1 week of no contact.... haha i didnt think i could do it...

peaaaaaace.

I don't think anyone has misinterpreted the nature of your thread and why you gave it the title you did. Clearly you want to get her back and are reaching out for any advice you can get on doing this. Truthfully, if this really is what you want, then leaving her alone is the only possible way that she will come back. Working on yourself and making your life better is in fact the way you should go. Even this may not bring her back but at least it will make you healthy for your next relationship. Perhaps you are hearing everyone and you have explained that you understand so I acknowledge this. After all, it has been only 1 week since no contact for you so I can't say you are not doing well because it is still early days. Just keep with the No Contact and get busy doing things to keep your mind of her. In the first 2 months after my breakup, I thought about my ex nearly all day and it was tiring and really pointless to my progress. I still think of her now but not every minute of the day, just passing thoughts throughout the day. The best thing to do is to occupy yourself, exercise, go for a walk, watch a film, visit a friend, take up a hobby or just work hard. It is tough and I do understand what you are going through which is why I don't want to sound too harsh because I know what point your are at and all this seems hard to take in right now. You are doing a good thing by seeking out help here and I recommend you keep venting as much as you like even if it goes against the advice you get here because in the end, it does help. It helped me and it will help you too.