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talaniman · Oct 3, 2010, 06:01 PM

If that episode doesn't motivate you to do what it takes, then nothing will. Handle your business, cry later.

Just Looking · Oct 3, 2010, 07:40 PM

I think you need to be careful for now. She seems a little unstable and I wouldn't trust her or her parents. They could easily lie about the events or future events, and it's your word against theirs. That was smart of you to get witnesses. Please see an attorney as soon as possible to get the custody straightened out, and to get his advice on her behavior.

If she is willing, it would be worth your while to get a counselor involved. You could use an objective third party to help set some guidelines and rules for the two of you to follow. She seems so emotional, but she needs to keep the best interest of her son first and foremost. She's obviously not doing that now. If she won't go, think about going yourself.

Good luck.

Homegirl 50 · Oct 3, 2010, 08:24 PM

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Just Looking again.

josh284 · Oct 11, 2010, 09:06 AM

Boy... you all were right.. saw her driving her mom's car the other morning home from her boyfriends I'm sure. Unbelievable how she still has no job, is now using her mom's car to go do her thing and I even wrote her a check for 5k just so I could stop being bugged about a car from her now that I took mine away. I did talk to a lawyer and have been debating on whether to go after full custody.. when the whole her trying to walk home incident happened the next day she told me she would have made it to her best friends house which is still 6-7 miles away down busy roads... absoutely crazy. Her parents told me they can't co-sign for a car for her so I've got to help her out.. wrote her a check and gave it to her... yet she still continues to be a jerk to me... I absolutely have no idea how she turned on me... I also had no idea that there were people in this world that are this mean and uncarring about others feelings and just try to hurt them. The day after the cops incident it was my night to have my son... she didn't allow it.. and kept him from me 2 nights that I was supposed to have him. We have been on an every other day schedule for almost 2 months and I told her that... she I heard her ask her mom.. mom we haven't been doing every other day have we... and she said no. WOW... how is this even possible to say? I think we did 2 nights on 2 nights off for 1 week out of the now 13 weeks today.

Homegirl 50 · Oct 11, 2010, 09:20 AM

Get an attorney and fight for your son. This is a young manipulative woman and it looks like her parents will back her up.
You fight for your son. Get court order visitation. If she breaks it, go for full custody.

mystific · Oct 11, 2010, 03:14 PM

As I said earlier, never underestimate the will power of a woman. And her parents although understanding have now taken her corner as expected.

Time to put on them fightin' gloves. You're going to be in for a dancing good time. Time to drop that extra baggage and lean up for the time ahead. Its going to be rough.

All power to you.

kpg0001 · Oct 11, 2010, 03:52 PM

Communication with her should be strictly business from this point. From what you said I feel like you took a step back giving her that 5k. Why do you owe a woman who has made your life miserable and put your child's safety in jeopardy anything? I say woman but she sounds more like a girl. You are 30 put your pants on and make your life what you want it to be, not what this girl is making it. At some point you are going to have to put the good memories behind you and realize what it is you really have with her. You can still be the nice guy and "speak softly", just remember to carry your "big stick".(I don't agree with that in terms of our foreign policy but it works for this situation)(T. Roosevelt). Hope this helps in some way. If not at least there is a history lesson at the end.

josh284 · Oct 11, 2010, 07:16 PM

yep... so confused... we've been doing every other night and she also gets him all day.. I asked today for more time with him and she said 2 nights a week and 1 weekend day and night is plenty and fair? ***... how is that possibly fair when she has him from 8-5 every day and no job still? I tried talking to her about it today... it was the first time we have talked since the cops incident... and to be honest I was weak and told her that I do miss her and this is all just terrible how it turned out... Of course once I gave in.. I got treated 2x as bad and got screamed at. I guess I just really need to drop it and work on telling myself every minute that its over for good. One thing is for sure... when I'm over her, it will be for good because once I reach that point I stay strong and never look back. I just need to find a girl that is ready to settle down and have a family... I think that's all I'm really hurting about because I've enjoyed it for almost 2 yrs. And definitely don't want to be single too much longer. It's fun for a few weeks, but in the end, I will always want someone to come home to and make my house feel warm and not so empty as it does now.. this sucks.

mystific · Oct 11, 2010, 07:47 PM

You need to give yourself time to grieve this relationship first before you jump into another. Actually you need closure. You won't be able to commit yourself to another relationship till you've done so and in all fairness it wouldn't be fair to a new partner. You'll harbour resentment and instability and there would no doubt be trust issues as would be expected in any new relationship after a saddening one as yours.

You'll find that 'one' that will make your house feel like a home and you'll defy the odds and have a lengthy and fulfilling relationship, but like all good things, it'll take time. What you're looking for, most are also waiting for, its just a patience game.

answerme_tender · Oct 12, 2010, 06:39 AM

Have you gotten a attorney yet?

Homegirl 50 · Oct 12, 2010, 06:55 AM

You need time to heal from this, but you also need an attorney and get visitation straight so that it is not on her terms and her whim but court ordered.

josh284 · Oct 12, 2010, 09:06 AM

Yes I have, but I have not moved on it yet. I've gotten al the paperwork filled out.. I am trying to get it all worked out between us before it gets costly.. Lately has been better but still wish I could see him more. Right now she has him from 8-5 every day and every othe rnight.. so I'm not being given the 50% time the court would for sure give me. If we can't agree on something more then I've really got no choice.

answerme_tender · Oct 12, 2010, 09:20 AM

In reading your post, cost didn't seem to be a factor. You have already handed over 5K to her for a car. What did your attorney say to that? Since you never know when she is going to be in one of her moods and not let you see your son, why not have your attorney go full steam ahead.

Homegirl 50 · Oct 12, 2010, 09:30 AM

I don't think you ought to give her by chance to worm her way back in or back you into a corner. Don't let her use your son as a pawn.
I would move now for court ordered visitation.

josh284 · Oct 12, 2010, 09:38 AM

Cost would be a factor for her.. I'm trying to make this easy on her.. and I definitely don't want to blow hard earned money when it could be used for a college fund or something.. I keep hoping she will see the light and that I deserve to see him more. I've never been anything but a good father.

Homegirl 50 · Oct 12, 2010, 09:49 AM

You have made it too easy for her, as have her parents. She is spoiled.
The more you give her the more she will expect. It is time for her to do what is right. You need to forget her and think of your son. This girl will drain you dry because she knows you love your son and your kind hearted. This is business now.
Take care of your business!

answerme_tender · Oct 12, 2010, 09:54 AM

Im sure you are a good father. I was fully behind you wanting to see your son, felt terrible that she was controlling the situation.
However, after reading your last post, Iam little confused. You state that you don't want to blow hard earned money that could be used for college fund and that you want to make this easy on her.
For most people handing over 5K would be seem like you are already taking away from college fund. How would going full steam ahead trying to get visitation settled, so you have some type of control seem like blowing hard earned money.
You have posted that she doesn't seem to have control over her moods, and that you are just heartbroken that she is so controlling over when you can see your son. Yet you are now want to make it easy on her and hoping she will see the light. Believe me I am not trying to be harsh, just trying to understand why your going back and forth.

Homegirl 50 · Oct 12, 2010, 10:01 AM

You are not dealing with a mature adult, you are dealing with a spoiled one.
Take care of your business, which is your son. Let her parents take care of her or make her take care of herself.
I would imagine she is counting on you giving in to her.

josh284 · Oct 13, 2010, 11:18 AM

I keep going back and forth because of my feelings for her.. and hoping she will snap out of it. I see my friends get engaged who didn't have a stable relationship, but we did until the last two months out of nowhere. Just the deposit for the lawyer to start the process of custody is about 10K retainer... and it is $350 an hour after that... I think to myself... do I really want to blow that money and the horrible state of CA grant 50/50 anyway? My cousin got full custody in this state but he had to fight for it... very similar situation... he had a job.. she was living with her parents with no job, no transportation, and he was required to do all the driving to pick him up and drop him off.. finally he put his foot down and the state actually granted it to him... It's not like I want to take my kid way from his mother... but this behavior has me concerned... and her unwillingness to get a job. She said child care is around 2,500-3k a month for a provider to come to your house.. but why would I need that? There are good day cares around here that watch 4 children and are highly recommended by many in the area for $800 a month. Just blows my mind...

Homegirl 50 · Oct 13, 2010, 12:02 PM

She is not going to get a job as long as she has you to take care of her. I hope you don't.
If you can put up with the sporadic way she will allow you to see your son, go ahead. I think she will do this to maybe get you to let her back in your house. I hope you don't do that.
If you can sit down with her and her parents and work out visitation that would be good but I would not trust her to do that. Get court ordered visitation, at least you will know when you will see your son.