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makapuu · Jun 11, 2009, 03:00 AM

Originally Posted by jmooney527

I totally agree with you. I just don't understand why there has to be these "boundaries" just because your bf was friends with them first. I have to keep my distance with his friends because they were "his" to begin with just seems a little trivial. I'm not disagreeing with anyone I'm just trying to get some reaction off that notion. It's like having certain ownership with friends, and just because they were his first I have to purposely be standoffish if one of them were to ask me to go do something.

I can understand how it might make him feel if the roles were reversed, but wouldn't that be something for me to get over? If he ended up becoming better friends with my friend, that just means they have more compatability as far as friendship goes. If I get angry or jealous, isn't that a negative reflection of me?

You have some very good arguments, but I only know your side of the story. I don't think your boyfriend is claiming ownership of his friends, he probably feels like you are taking over his life.

jmooney527 · Jun 11, 2009, 06:07 AM

Originally Posted by makapuu

You have some very good arguments, but I only know your side of the story. I don't think your boyfriend is claiming ownership of his friends, he probably feels like you are taking over his life.

That's a very interesting outlook on it... and you're right you only know my side of the story. It just sucks that I can't be good friends with a select few of his just because they were HIS first. A couple of them I really like and we have similar personalities but I have to distance myself from them because they are his friends first.

talaniman · Jun 11, 2009, 12:51 PM

A couple of them I really like and we have similar personalities but I have to distance myself from them because they are his friends first.

That's for their protection, not yours!

88sunflower · Jun 11, 2009, 01:01 PM

Well if you "really like" them its best to keep a distance. What if one of you cross the line.

jmooney527 · Jun 11, 2009, 01:02 PM

Originally Posted by 88sunflower

Well if you "really like" them its best to keep a distance. What if one of you cross the line.

No no no... really like as in "best friend" like. I'm 100% faithful and committed... these eyes don't stray ;)

88sunflower · Jun 11, 2009, 01:06 PM

Originally Posted by jmooney527

no no no... really like as in "best friend" like. I'm 100% faithful and committed... these eyes don't stray ;)

Well you take the chance his friend might make the move though.

slapshot_oi · Jun 11, 2009, 01:24 PM

Originally Posted by 88sunflower

Well you take the chance his friend might make the move though.

So true, a buddy of mine and I, passive-aggressively, can't stand each other because of this. He wants a girl I've been seeing and has been acting like a macho/annoying prick because of it. He was banging on my door at 4:00 AM last night just to get a cigarette from me, it's stupid behavior and he wouldn't have done that if she wasn't with me. I wanted to punch his eyes out.

This is all because she decided to make the trip to hang-out with my friends without me after I asked her for space--I wasn't planning on seeing her for another couple of weeks--but told me about it last minute. Of course I got jealous and felt like I had to see her, and she ditched all them for me, they took offence to it blah blah blah.

What was once fun single life is now a hairy situation. You might think it's innocent, jmooney527, hanging out with your boyfriend's pals, but 88sunflower has a valid point.

jmooney527 · Jun 11, 2009, 01:27 PM

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

So true, a buddy of mine and I, passive-aggressively, can't stand each other because of this. He wants a girl I've been seeing and has been acting like a macho/annoying prick because of it. He was banging on my door at 4:00 AM last night just to get a cigarette from me, it's stupid behavior and he wouldn't have done that if she wasn't with me. I wanted to punch his eyes out.

This is all because she decided to make the trip to hang-out with my friends without me after I asked her for space--I wasn't planning on seeing her for another couple of weeks--but told me about it last minute. Of course I got jealous and felt like I had to see her, and she ditched all them for me, they took offence to it blah blah blah.

What was once fun single life is now a hairy situation. You might think it's innocent jmooney527, but 88sunflower has a valid point.

I would agree under normal circumstances... but I'm a gay man, and my bf's friends are straight women haha.

slapshot_oi · Jun 11, 2009, 01:28 PM

Originally Posted by jmooney527

I would agree under normal circumstances... but I'm a gay man, and my bf's friends are straight women haha.

Aw man, I've just been served.

My bad, sorry for not reading carefully.

88sunflower · Jun 11, 2009, 01:28 PM

Yep, another fine example. My husband and I have been friends with this couple since 1991. But after years of hanging out and his friend emailing me he confesses he fell in love with me. OUch! We were in each others wedding and everything. Now he is in love. Well so be it. I don't invite them to many functions any more. After some drinks he has made moves and its just not comfortable. I keep this huge distance now.

88sunflower · Jun 11, 2009, 01:30 PM

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

Aw man, I've just been served.

My bad, sorry for not reading carefully.

WHAT! I never got that out of the post either. Well hmmm...

jmooney527 · Jun 11, 2009, 01:30 PM

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

Aw man, I've just been served.

My bad, sorry for not reading carefully.

Haha it's all right I wasn't clear before.

jmooney527 · Jun 11, 2009, 01:32 PM

Originally Posted by 88sunflower

WHAT! I never got that out of the post either. Well hmmm............

Yea it's my fault... I didn't think it was relevant... but I guess it would be under those circumstances.

88sunflower · Jun 11, 2009, 01:34 PM

Originally Posted by jmooney527

Yea it's my fault... I didn't think it was relevant... but I guess it would be under those circumstances.

Of course its relevant! Now I see it as totally different. See now I think its totally harmless.

jmooney527 · Jun 11, 2009, 01:36 PM

Originally Posted by 88sunflower

Of course its relevant! Now I see it as totally different. See now I think its totally harmless.

Well see what if it was a gay man that he was friends with and I was hanging out with them... then it would matter right? See this is where it gets all weird and the exceptions to the rules/etc.

88sunflower · Jun 11, 2009, 01:40 PM

Well if your gay and hanging out with your friends gay friends, it could be iffy.
If you're a gay man and your boyfriends friends are women then that's fine. There would be no lines to cross in a sense.
But when everyone is straight like we thought the story went, its iffy again. So unless you're a bi and there could be temptation its fine in my eyes. Sort of...

88sunflower · Jun 11, 2009, 01:40 PM

Good grief I am all confused now!

talaniman · Jun 11, 2009, 01:42 PM

Originally Posted by jmooney527

I would agree under normal circumstances... but I'm a gay man, and my bf's friends are straight women haha.

Doesn't matter about sexual preference when it comes to friends of your boyfriend. Make your own, and let time take care of your relationship with his friends.

Its about respect, and boundaries, not who you zoom. Why even put someone you consider a friend in that position? Why even make yourself a wedge in your b/f life like that? :confused:

blueberry_82 · Mar 17, 2010, 10:53 AM

Hi there, also very similar situation. Only I can see that my attitude is obsessive. I feel that even when I'm with one of my 3 friends, I'd rather be with him, even if it means just sitting around doing my nails while he watches bad TV. I'm having a hard time extricating myself from this dependency. A lot of it comes from not having "my own life."

Anyhow, recently he's made similar comments, (I didn't know it was an issue before) and I can't help but feel a sense of rejection. How do you take it?

And he may feel pressure to entertain u, u should tell him how you feel, but in a way, it's a good thing, no? He's always trying to put his best foot forward because he knows how special you are.

jmooney527 · Mar 17, 2010, 11:20 AM

Originally Posted by blueberry_82

Hi there, also very similar situation. Only I can see that my attitude is obsessive. I feel that even when I'm with one of my 3 friends, I'd rather be with him, even if it means just sitting around doing my nails while he watches bad tv. I'm having a hard time extricating myself from this dependency. a lot of it comes from not having "my own life."

anyhow, recently he's made similar comments, (i didn't know it was an issue before) and I can't help but feel a sense of rejection. how do you take it?

and he may feel pressure to entertain u, u should tell him how you feel, but in a way, it's a good thing, no? He's always trying to put his best foot forward because he knows how special you are.

Yes I did feel some sense of rejection when hearing a comment like that... and it's startling to find that out... almost like a wake-up call. I wouldn't want to date someone who was so easily accessible and did everything I wanted to do. I don't want an extra shadow. I completely agree with the notion that couples should have their own separate lives. If you're always with someone, boredom strikes and you end up taking the person for granted after a while.

A book that really helped me out (Stupid title but awesome insight) is "Why Men Love B*tches" by Sherry Argov. It's about remembering who YOU are and how much of a catch you are... what you deserve as a person. It's about taking control of yourself and not catering to his needs all the time... going out and doing what makes you happy as an individual.

I think what it boils down to is that we are not happy with our own individual lives. We stake all our hopes/dreams/efforts into our relationships and our own personal lives fall to the wayside. The battle is fighting this urge to cater to the other person and bring the focus back to you. It's almost being selfish, but in a good way. It's not about being mean or anything like that... but if you're happy with your own life, you're a happier person and they'll WANT to be around you more and crave your attention, not automatically assume you'll always be there like their 2nd lingering shadow.