I'm afraid you are right... But don't talk about other stuff... like that you don't hate her, or whatever. It's pointless. If she asks, just cut it short saying "no". The worse part is talking about the past. Also, don't make plans to meet.

Yeah... I'm actually going back home on Thursday for a few days, but yeah, I'm not going to make any plans to meet. Definitely would not do me any good. And I'll steer the conversation away from talking about the past.

Well at least you can set your boundaries with yourself and the ex and know what you will do and not do - this way you can enjoy your trip without all the complications.

I really don't like the fact that I'm getting butterflies in my stomach about this phonecall...

Don't call! Bad idea! Bad idea! Abort! Send her an e-mail.

It will be fine... just nerves, which is only natural. Not talking to her has become so normal, it just feels weird to actually be about to talk to her.

If there is no way round this and you have to talk- then you better sit down and bullet point what you want to ask/clear and talk about. Best to write it down. This way your focus and well solid.

Anyway, I've been a bit sidetracked, so will fill in what happened...

Well it was a week ago that I called her. I honestly was expecting her to be really cold and just generally not care about I had to say.

But we got chatting, and she got all emotional (she had had a couple of glasses of wine apparently) and started crying about things. Saying how she had been doing a lot of thinking the last 6 weeks and she wasn't so sure about what she had decided. She told me how one night when she had been out, she broke down and told her best friend to drive her to the airport so she could catch the next flight down to visit me... and she just opened up about all this stuff. It was really not what I was expecting. She talked about how it had been much easier for her when we were still in contact and being "friends" and that she had found not being in contact really difficult etc etc. she also told me she was worried that I was going to bring a new girlfriend over on this trip to South America with me, which I found really odd. We had done a fair bit of travelling together (to USA, Mexico, Qatar and Egypt) and she must've been feeling that maybe she was going to miss out on these good times with me... as "us".

She said that she didn't really like how I had all the power (this made me chuckle a little inside), and how I had just made a decision to cut her out of my life.

It was good to talk to her... kinda weird, but good. I managed to keep my emotions in check, and I have been doing my best not to read anything into what she was saying, or trying to psycho analyse it all. The fact is that we don't live in the same city right now, so its not like we are just going to magically get back together.

I guess it was nice to realise that I had this effect on her... that she hadn't just gotten over me like that straight away. I know NC isn't a tool to win someone back, but I guess it has made her realise what she's given up on. And not saying that she wants me back or anything, but I guess she has maybe realised that we actually had something really great... but that right now is not the time for us. And we both know that.

We emailed a little the next day, she wished me a good holiday (im going overseas for a couple of weeks) and passed on her best wishes to my brother and his fiancé who are getting married next weekend. Case closed I thought.

As I mentioned, I went back home for last weekend. I did not make any plans to meet up with her, in fact it didn't really want to all that much, at least not on a 1 on 1 level. But then I was at a friends house and she called me up asking if it would be OK for her to join us. I probably should have just said a polite no thanks... but I was having a good time and didn't really want to just shoot her down after we'd had a good talk a few nights prior.

So she came around. My friends were worried that I was going to break down about it all, but I was fine. I just thought to myself "She is impingeing on my world, I'm not gonna let her affect my mood or my night out" and she didn't. It was kind of weird though... I didn't really expect her to want to come and hangout. And again, I'm doing my best not to read into any of her actions.

I did slip up a little bit, we were at a club dancing and I went to grab her hand and she shook it away and gave a funny look. It actually wasn't a big deal though. We actually ended up sleeping in the same bed (nothing happened other than sleeping... it was a big night) but that was also out of necessity as it was the only spare bed in the house.

But I guess the thing now is... where to from here? Like I don't really see the point in getting back in contact again, but at the same time it feels frustrating to have to get back into no contact again. The 6 weeks of no contact made me realise that I can get on with my life without her. For her not being in contact was really hard... for me it was so much easier than pretending to be friends.

The other thing is... is there anything to make of the things that she told me on the phone? Of her crying when she was talking about it all and getting emotional... and how she had been wondering whether she made the right choice... or how she had wanted to jump on a plane to come down and see me...

I guess, not surprisingly, I'm a little confused. Definitely not as confused as I once was, because I know how to handle this better now. I guess its good to know that I'm calling some of the shots now though.

OK. Enough dabbling in the past with your ex. Time to keep moving forward.

One question you have to truly and honestly answer for yourself...

Did any "old feelings" surface during the time you hung out with her?

Did you think about getting back with her at all?

It seems they may have since you active made a few passes at her (grabbing her hand, whatever else that may have transpired).

The mere fact that you admit that you are a little confused tells me and everyone else here, you are ready for a friendship with her yet. However, you did handle yourself well, IMO, and could possibly be friends at some point.

Get back to NC and give yourself some more time to reflect and do your own thing. Let this confusion settle and go maybe another 3 months and see where you stand.

Just remember, you have the power to make any decision you want, without her influence. Enjoy this time and make good decisions for you!

My ex did the same thing. Don't fall for it. He cried and said he wasn't sure if he was doing the right thing too. I remained strong for a while that is until he then asked me if I would ever get back with him and if I would one day be his wife... I said yes. And got suckered in. Well to cut the story short he wanted to keep me on the back burner while still pursuing his rebound chic. I mean what is that?
Just focus on yourself for now... You already told her that you wanted to work things out. Let her be confused by her herself...

Hey EC, it looks like you handled the situation amazingly well and it definitely shows how long you've come so far, but don't rest on your laurels yet. The fact that you're a little confused shows that while you did well, you're not 100% completely over her yet.. and you started to wonder about if you should make anything of what she told you on the phone.

Just stay alert here - remember, YOU OWE HER NOTHING at this point and I recommend going full NC again. Unless she comes back and says specifically, "I messed up, I want you back in my life again. I want to work our relationship." then assume her words mean nothing. But at that point, the ball is back in your court and you can make the decision whether to give things a second try or not. It sounds to me like she just wanted to be near you as it may have given her some sort of comfort - don't be her emotional tampon.

Before you make any serious decisions, stop on by here and run it by us first if you want - that's what we're here for :)

Yep... they definitely did.

Looks like this is what has happened to me...

That is very good advice. I did my best to assume her words meant nothing... but they still managed to work their way into me and raised that hope.

But anyway... I spoke to her again last night. She thought I was ringing her up to have a go at her for seeing me over the weekend... and apparently she had just blocked me on Facebook so that she wouldn't come up in my search results and thus I couldn't add her as a friend (I have no intention of adding her... I really enjoy not having her on there)... kinda strange . But the reason I called was that I wanted to, stupidly, see if she wanted to come to my brothers wedding on the weekend. This is something we had talked about when we broke up... we said we would see how things went and if they were OK she would come to the wedding.

Obviously things weren't OK until we chatted last week and they went well. A part of me wants her at this wedding... shes been a big part of my life, she knows and gets on well with my family... it kind of seemed right that she should be there.

Anyway... she was kind of surprised by this, and as much as she wants to come she said we both need to think about it more before deciding.

The conversation kind of turned serious... talking about us etc... I basically told her that I didn't know where to place her... whether to just cut her out of my life completely, or whether to just remain in contact somewhat and see how things turn out in the future... leaving the door ajar so to speak.

I told her that the things she said last week had me confused, about getting upset and tell her friend to take her to the airport so she could come down to see me etc etc. She said that it was wrong of her to tell me those things and she wasn't trying to confuse me.

So basically... I got "suckered in". She must have just been worried that I was moving on from her, and this was her way to reel me back in again. I know she's not doing it on purpose... I think its just what girls do. Now that she knows I'm still there as an option, she's back on track.

She did tell me that right now she just sees me as a friend, and that I can't offer her more than that anyway. Which is true... and I totally agree, right now I can't offer her more than that. And I don't know when I will be able to either.

She also asked if I had been seeing anyone... and I just told her I had hooked up with a few girls, but no one girl in particular. She said she had seen a guy a few times... but wouldn't say that she was "seeing him". Whatever that means... I don't know what she was really trying to achieve by asking this. I guess she just knows that I don't have a girlfriend.

This is getting a bit long... but she also told me that I need to decide what I am going to do. Like I'm either not talking to her or I am. She doesn't think its right that I can just talk to her when I want, but she can't talk to me. I guess by breaking NC I have put myself in a bit of a predicament.

I feel like I've handled it well, sure, its brought the pain slightly closer to the surface, but I know its nothing I won't bounce back from quickly. And at the same time... I really like talking to her. But I know that all it does is just bring about confusion, as hard as I try to let it not.

So as Tal says, the only way to stop this confusion is to go NC. And I think that's how I'm going to go... this delving into the past with my ex the last week or so has shown me that I have come a long way, but also that I do have a lot further to go. The feelings are still there, I just know how to handle them better now.

I think it just comes down to the above quote:

"Unless she comes back and says specifically, "I messed up, I want you back in my life again. I want to work our relationship." then assume her words mean nothing."

And next time, UnluckyDucky... I'll listen to your advice below:

Yes, you are obviously deeply affected by all of this contact you have been having with her. I think it is still WAY to early to try and form a friendship with her.

Time to go NC and give it more time.

So its been a little while since I posted on here... but I thought I would a bit of an update. Most of these threads do seem just to end and you never really know what's going on with everyone's story.

The reason I haven't been posting is that I have been feeling a million times better about everything, Im definitely past the worst of it although not out of the woods yet.

So my ex and I are in contact again... she did end up coming to my brothers wedding (we actually ended up in the same bed that night, but nothing happened although it could have)... we both realised that was a stupid idea and just agreed to pretend it never happened.

She added me as a friend on Facebook, and I accepted... and that also has been fine. I was in NC for about 2 months and it was absolutely what I needed, but for now I am managing to cope with just being friends... it definitely helps not being in the same city though. I guess I am trying to make a friendship work because we triend to break up on good terms, and although things got messy and I did get really hurt, I need to try and remember that this was both of our doing... we were both just a little naïve.

It does seem to be getting a little easier though everyday and I have caught myself going minutes and then hours without thinking about her. She does still pop into my mind and it still hurts sometimes... but I know I am getting better.

For some reason the last couple of weeks have been really hard... I have been thinking about her a lot and what we had. It really is the first time in months I have been thinking about it like this. I guess these relapses just happen? Anyone else had this happen to them many months down the track?

But anyway, things are generally pretty good. I find myself being attracted to lots of other girls out there and even a couple that I have actually really been interested in.

Maybe had I just carried on with my NC this whole time things would be better... but maybe they wouldn't. The 2 months of NC I did do though were priceless and really set me on the right course. Thanks to all those who have posted on this thread and helped me through some of my most trying times... your help has been invaluable!

HI Empty Cans- glad to hear your well-

I find that whenever the ex contacts ( last time was in March) me- I find myself slipping back to that hell hole slowly.In fact I realised that this happens even when his family members get in touch, just to say a simple hi and how are you doing... I end up thinking about what we had, what he did and how much he hurt me and how now my life is so different- in many ways it is better-and in many ways I miss what we had and so I end up feeling torn to death. Just this weekend I actually asked his family members to respect my wishes and never to contact me again as I get a email from them every 2-3 weeks and it has a negative impact on me. I was v upset to actually having to ask that again from them, but it is sadly the only way for me. I find it very hard to move forward in life, if they are still in contact with me- I can't live that life or be apart of it and live the one I am in right now and have them lurking around this one- it does not make sense, nor does it have a purpose except for more pain. I feel that was the right decision for me- as this is the only way I can focus on me now.

With kind regards
Zeeniee

Hey EC. I guess I did pretty much the same thing as you did... Did the NC for a while then slowly started speaking again with her, without second intentions, just to talk really... I don't know if it's a bad idea. But I don't feel it hurts me at all. Plus, at the same time I have going out with other local girls... haven't been really attracted by anyone, but I have been doing my thing.

I really feel I'm in a very good spot now. I didn't fall for anyone else, but I really don't care about that anymore. It's bound to happen and I'm not in a stage of my life where I need to have someone. I think the problem is that for a while I felt I HAD to have someone. I don't. I'm open and looking but I don't care if I my weekend plan is just watching a movie with my roommate. I'm happily single as I was happy in the relationship with my ex, and as I was a happy child before I didn't even know what sex was.

And about being just friends... For us this is a fiction. It doesn't exist. We're not boyfriend/girlfriend but it would be foolish for us to pretend we're "just friends". We know that. We're in this gray area where things would happen every time we meet but we wouldn't go back to the distance thing, I think. I'm not going to try to cope with that. She's not mine and she'll do whatever she wants with her life. Same here. But I'm not going to pretend that we could meet and just say hi as if nothing happen.

Yep, any contact or news about the ex will cause you to slip a little. You start rehashing everything, over and over again. Just tell yourself, "Whatever...her loss.", and keep on rolling along. It will keep you from dwelling on things.

I went to a wedding this weekend with a few mutual friends of me and her. My one friends BF told me he met my ex and her new guy. He said that the dude is a total loser. That's not the first time I've heard this... but all the same it makes me wonder how things got so bad that she decided to drop everything with me to go out with this other guy that isn't as good for her... :confused:

Hey, whatever... I know I am the better man.

That's what you have to keep telling yourself.

Let the feelings settle. I don't think the whole Facebook friends thing is a good idea. Spending the night in the same room wasn't a good idea either. You are handling this well, but I think for your own well being you need to keep contact with her down to a minimum. Only talk to her if you absolutely have too. Always be polite and civil. If you keep this up, you will always be confused. Your have to remember, your relationship with her will never be what it was. If you are going to be friends, you have to keep that in mind. It's one the hardest things to accept for people. This is the biggest reason why being friends with ex's is very hard. You will always harbor some sort of feelings for them, and many times they get in the way.

At any rate, it's great to hear back from you Empty. Definitely see what those other girls that you're interested have to offer and don't let all this contact with the ex get you down too much.

I agree with jmw0713,

For me the ex causes nothing- but for me to slip and then for me to sabotage everything to pieces= does me no good at the end.

I am lucky in the sense I live on the other side of the planet- but still I do hear things about the ex- like- I have heard that the ex and his chick have split up- how true that is I don't know and I don't care- cos it does not change anything for me nor will it bring back anything we had.I have also heard not good things about the chick my ex is seeing- made me wonder that I got dumped for a complete looser? That just does not make sense- I think I would feel better if I knew I was dumped for someone who was better than me- oh well what is done is done. I am a much better person and I am in a much better place in my heart and world-that is what matters at the end.

I don't think I can do friends with the ex- cause I can't see how I can downscale from loving someone v much to just friends? I guess if I was ever friends with an ex- it would be because I was never really in love in that way and so becoming friends would be fine and do-able. I guess each one is different in that respect- some people can do this, others cant.

Lol, sometimes we feel so good, we think we are cured.

Get back on the course, and the those old stirred up feelings will fade away. This happens when you break No Contact before your really ready, but you are doing quite well actually. Just needs a bit more work.

Hey guys,

Well my ex started chatting to me tonight and asked me to give her a call. I knew something was up...

Anyway... this weekend I am heading back home to catch up with my parents and some friends. Like I said, I knew something was up, and I said in my last post that I had been feeling kind of weird the last few weeks, thinking about her more often and that sort of stuff.

So anyway, the reason she wanted to talk was to tell me that she is seeing someone. I don't know how I knew something was up... but Ive just had this feeling. Its like I have some sort of intuition... like I know her so well that I could just sense that this was going to happen. The same thing happened last year a month or so before we broke up... it dawned upon me all of a sudden that it was over.

So yeah, she's seeing someone and just wanted to let me know before I found out from someone else when I am back home for the wkend. I don't know if I'm glad I that know or not. I know the guy, he lives with one of my good mates. Hes a nice guy, if that's any consolation.

To be honest... I feel OK. I am not about to crumble into a heap and break down. Im not over the moon about it either... it feels weird.

She said they are just seeing each other and its nothing serious yet blah blah blah. Whatever... it doesn't really matter. We talked about things for a little while... I felt maybe 5% of the emotion that I felt 7 months ago when I found out she was seeing someone then. Back then it consumed me... now I'm just a bit like 'oh well, I guess this is just more reason to move on with my life'. It sucks... but yeah, it is what it is.

I did say one thing to her... I don't know if it was the right thing to say, but I told her that "I know our lives are in different places right now, and I'm not waiting around for you or anything, but if you ever thought about 'us' again, I would like you to tell me. Because I would hate for us to both ever be thinking that and nothing come of it." Or words to that effect anyway... I just feel better having said that...

Anyway... so yeah, sucky news, but not something I can't deal with anymore. It was always going to happen... I just feel that I am really going to need to meet someone else for me to move on to the next step.