Straight guy in love with straight guy.
I am 23 years old. The guy whom I'm in love with is also 23. We both are straight. It might sound odd or crazy but yes. I never felt any attraction to any other guy neither did he except for each other. Now this whole thing has become so complicated for me, I can't stand it, I don't know what to do.
I met him 6 years ago. I met him at a time when I had no friends. People always assume I am a loner and arrogant. I also wanted to hang out with friends, have fun and all. He was in love with a girl (deeply) but it was one sided.
We met. We both were completely different. I was introvert and he an extrovert. He is everything that I wasn't, everything that I always wanted to become. He is smart, handsome, muscular etc. Instantaneously we became every good friends. Any day if he got absent to class my head would feel like bursting. We were 17 then. He felt the same.
One day something happened and I hit him and he didn't resist. That whole thing made me crazy. I was feeling things I never felt before. I guess he did feel it. We kissed. It became a routine. We would always sneak out and kiss. All this time he maintained that he loved his girlfriend. I stopped noticing anyone. For me only he exited in this entire world.
One day we had sex. Then lots of it followed. For like 2 years. I said to him I love you. He said the same but added that he loved his girlfriend more. His girlfriend moved on. We went to separate colleges. But we always chatted on phone. Once in like 4 months we met. We had sex. I said I love you.
But it changed. His replies became I love you too, but as a friend. He made it no secret that he is trying to get a girlfriend. This continued for another 2 years. In this time I had fallen in love with him so much that even I didn't understand how it happened despite everything he said.
Then one day he said he doesn't wants to touch me anymore. He doesn't likes it. It broke me down. He started ignoring me big time. I cried I yelled but nothing. He said all he wanted was me to be his best friend.
The pain was so much I decided to not to talk to him. I could stop myself only for 2 months. When I called him, he said he missed me sincerely and he never wanted me to go away again but he didn't love me and that can never happen. I accepted. Another 2 years passed with me crying and craving for him every day.
Any day he would laugh on the phone or say something nice it would make me again more miserable and set my hopes high that someday he will see that he loves me. But anytime I brought this topic up he would say the same. He also said that his friends tease him of having gay relationship with me so he stopped meeting me in front of his friends.
Now that I look upon my life all I see a void. I haven't moved any step further in my life for 6 years. It feels like I am stuck and will be stuck there forever. The pain is excruciating. I hoped all these years that one day he will say I love you for true. I had absolutely no problem with him going out with any girl (maybe a little and that's something no one can help). But all my waiting and praying and crying hasn't gone any further.
People say that if your love is true, and you have faith, then that person will surely understand and there will be a happy ending. But it never happened in my case.
I talked to him 2 days back and he said that he never wanted me to go away and be his best friend for life but he can never love me. He wants a go, and he is afraid of gay people.
It hurts very much. I can also never go away with him. This whole thought of how he is or is he in any problem or if he still breathing drives me crazy. I had tried staying away from him for 2 months but that was as far as I could manage.
Please any advice on what to do. I will be truly grateful. I really need some help now.