Ask Me Help Desk - She has to be happy in order to make me happy.

Around August 5th of last year, my girlfriend and I broke up for the first time. We spent the next two months on and off.. until we got back together in early October. Things have been great since then... until the last couple of days. I sensed that something was wrong, and today it was confirmed. We're on another "break."

She's been in a lot of bad relationships. Her emotions have been messed up, but after seeing a therapist for a few months after we started having problems, she was getting better. Eventually, however, she stopped seeing the therapist. She's told me that everything she's said to me is true. She just isn't happy with herself right now and she can't be happy with me if she isn't happy with herself. That's understandable.

I almost did what I normally do in this situation. I was ready to erase her from my life completely. I was ready to clear my heart of her and end all communication. I practically told her as much. However, I couldn't do it. I called her and told her that regardless of where we stood right now, I wasn't quitting on "us." I wasn't giving up. I had told her in the past that I needed her in my life and I mean it. And I also told her, like I did before, that unless she tells me she doesn't love me, doesn't want to be with me ever again, or finds a new guy, I'm not going anywhere.

The issue at hand now is this: She was supposed to be coming here next week for about a week. That obviously isn't happening now. I was then going to be going there in September and spending about three weeks there. Basically, I still want to get there in September. I feel that this situation is something that needs to be talked about in person, but I don't want to tell her I am going there in September because I don't want her to try to push me away. So my question is, to those with actual opinions, should I still go there in September so I can see where we stand in person? So that we can discuss the issues face to face.

It's a four hour drive from my house to her school, but I'm willing to take the chance that she'll tell me to go back home right when I get there. It's something that I feel I need to do.

Anyway, feel free to give advice.

For the record, I know that she's not seeing anyone else. That's not even a concern of mine because I know it's not true. Also, she's a bit honest and I truly feel that if there was something wrong with the relationship and she never wanted to be with me again, she'd tell me.

This is definitely the hardest thing I've had to face.

I don't know what to do. I don't know where we stand. I couldn't fall asleep until almost 2am last night. I'm experiencing all of the stages of grief at the same time.

I'm in denial. I know that we're on a break right now, but I can't accept that we're over for good. I don't know what's running through her head right now and I really wish I did. She has yet to remove her little messages to me from her AIM profile, hasn't removed that she's in a relationship with me on her Facebook, and hasn't removed our pictures on her Facebook. Maybe she just hasn't had time. Maybe she doesn't want to. Maybe she just doesn't care.

I'm angry. I'm angry because I feel like I did something wrong even though she denies it. I'm angry that we were doing so well and now we're going through this again. I'm angry because I am so damn attached to her emotionally that I feel like I need her in my life in order to function. I'm angry that she's not sure what the problem is but she might not see her therapist. I'm angry because I don't know if this will ever happen again even if we do get back together some day.

I'm anxious. I'm having a hard time focusing. The lecture from my profressor today just kind of went right through my head. I didn't hear most of what she said. I was only thinking about my girlfriend. I was thinking about how good things have been between us and how amazing our relationship is when we see each other. This whole break thing came out of nowhere, and that's one of the reasons I think it had to do with her best friend's birthday today (the one that died 3 years ago).

I'm sad. I have really never been this sad for as long as I can remember. I'm one that has built up emotional walls to keep emotions out of my life. I was an evil, evil person when I moved back to Ohio to live with my mom because I didn't feel anything. My family has noticed a big improvement in my emotions... and it's all because of my girlfriend. She was able to get me to feel again... to have emotion... to give emotion. And now that might be gone. I'm worried, because if we're done forever, my wall is going to come right back up, built bigger and higher than it was because I don't want to feel the hurt again.

I'm depressed. All I want to do is go home and go to sleep. She got me this little bear from her school several months ago and sprayed it with her perfume... no ****ing joke, but I sat with it last night smelling it because the smell reminded me of her. I've turned into a ****ing and this is bugging the hell out of me.

I don't know where we stand. I don't know how she feels. I wish I did. I don't know if this is a temporary thing or if it's forever. She told me last night that everything she's said to me about her feelings for me are true. If that's the case, there's no way we can be done forever... I mean, we were talking about marriage. We were picturing us together forever. She's told me that she's never been close to feeling this way about anyone before me.

I've been thinking about this September thing more and more... trying to decide what to do. It really sucks, because either way it could be bad. If I ask her about seeing each other so we can have a face to face, knowing her, she's going to say no. But that does me no good because in order for me to get better about this situation, we need a face to face. I need to gauge her reaction in person. But if I just show up, she might get mad... but she might not. She might be happy to see me... but she might not. I look at it this way... I need the face to face. I'm not going to push the relationship on her. I'll give her the space she needs before and after the one day visit. But I really think this is important.

And to everyone, I'm sorry for all of the negative comments I've made in some of my posts here. This whole situation has got me feeling really emotional and I've realized I've been pretty cruel on here and in person at times. I sure as hope this stops soon.

I have a lot of stuff I want to ask her... a lot of questions I need answered. I need to know if we're on just a break or if we're broken up. But I don't want to ask this stuff on the phone. I'm going to suck it up for the next three weeks and wait until I go over there to see her before having this heart to heart with her.

While it is good that you are proving yourself to be faithful and true to her you also have to be careful that she doesn't take it as some she can just do this as often as she pleases and take you for granted thing. This could very easily be setting up a pattern so I would not put up with it too many times.
A relationship should survive through the good times and the rough times. It is not a good relationship when she can't stick it out with you through her moods.

I really advise you not to go there unannounced because if she wanted to go ahead with anything she would have either came to see you as planned or said that she didn't want to come but still looked forward to you coming in Sept. your going there could be a set back. How long have you been on break? I would tell her that she needs to decide and make definite decisions because it is totally unfair for her to leave you in limbo.
She very well could be through with you but has no intention or courage to tell you.

No, if she wanted to be completely over, she'd tell me. If she feels that way next week, she'll tell me. I, however, don't think that's going to happen. The break wasn't because of something that just happened in our relationship. It's due to her emotional issues.

This all just happened last night.

Also, I NEED to see her in September because I have things I need to ask so I can decide whether to stick around or move on, and I refuse to do it on the phone. It's not the kind of thing that needs to be talked about on the phone, IMO. We need a face to face.

I understand that it is her emotional issues it still is not fair to you.
If you are willing to take the chance to just drive there just to spend an hour or a day talking then fine but I doubt she will want you to stay if she is still in her emotional issues.
If you believe she would have told you she is through if she is then I would also think she would tell you that she still wants you there for September.

We haven't talked about September yet. We talked about the visit that was supposed to happen next week and she said she couldn't come here because it'd make her more confused.

I will gladly drive the four hours just to spend an hour talking to her about this so I can figure out what I need to do next. I don't expect her to tell me that she wants me to stay.

She's never had a good relationship before. She doesn't know how to respond to bad emotions. This is something I want to help her through.

Do you have any idea what she is so confused about?

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if she wanted to be completely over, she'd tell me.

I was okay with this until I read this,

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I was ready to erase her from my life completely. I was ready to clear my heart of her and end all communication. I practically told her as much. However, I couldn't do it

I thinks it's a big error in judgment to think she would do something you could not!

Regardless of the past, I think leaving her alone and working on yourself by reflecting on your past actions are what you really need as you wouldn't be on this make up/ break up roller coaster if you were communicating and compromising to solve your issues.

Leave each other alone, and let the emotional dust settle, before you make a decision about what your next actions are.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

I was okay with this until I read this,

I thinks its a big error in judgment to think she would do something you could not!

Regardless of the past, I think leaving her alone and working on yourself by reflecting on your past actions are what you really need as you wouldn't be on this make up/ break up roller coaster if you were communicating and compromising to solve your issues.

Leave each other alone, and let the emotional dust settle, before you make a decision about what your next actions are.

I do that to avoid feeling emotional. The point was that even though I tried, it couldn't be done. And regardless, she would tell me if we were over. She's told me that everything she's said is true, that she still sees me in her future, and that she's not saying it's over... just that she needs space to sort herself out.

This wasn't anything that I did. It wasn't a rocky relationship that just kind of blew up. As of five days ago, things were just as amazing as they were ten months ago. Her problem is that she thinks that a rough patch is a sign that it's time to take a break. She doesn't understand, in my opinion, that every relationship goes through a rough patch and that it has to be solved by the couple.

I'm going to wait a few days to talk to her about the visit in Sept. I'll only ask for an hour of her time so we can work on this. I'm going to also suggest she see her therapist again, because she stopped about two months after she felt she was better but apparently she isn't. I also am going to volunteer to go to a session or two with her because some of the issues that need to be discussed are about us and it'll be good to have a trained, neutral party there.

And your point about the lack of communication/compromising.. that's never been an issue. We've both compromised on a lot and we've never had an issue with compromising. Communication wasn't really lacking either until the last couple of days.

All you can do is talk it out and leave it up to her since apparently the ball is in her court and she is holding all the cards. Short of discussing or giving her an ultimatum she knows she has the control so you have to go along with whatever she says or you have to find a way to gain back what was once what you call compromise. I really do not see compromise in your separation whatsoever. Maybe when she considers you a couple but not now.

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

All you can do is talk it out and leave it up to her since apparently the ball is in her court and she is holding all the cards. Short of discussing or giving her an ultimatum she knows she has the control so you have to go along with whatever she says or you have to find a way to gain back what was once what you call compromise. I really do not see compromise in your separation whatsoever. Maybe when she considers you a couple but not now.

This break is so fresh that we haven't even been able to discuss a compromise. I've learned not to say much when emotional because you might say something you don't mean. Therefore I didn't want to get involved in a conversation last night. She's been at work today and I just got back from class. I also don't plan to talk to her about anything relationship wise for a couple of days because she's a little emotional due to her dead best friend's birthday being today.

We'll discuss this more in a couple of days and then see what we can do to fix this.

Yeah I think you are right on that you have a couple more weeks until September and as you said you really should discuss things face to face but you need to do some communicating on what she wants and expects between now and then like would she be hating you if you drop in on her in September and things like that.

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

Yeah I think you are right on that you have a couple more weeks until September and as you said you really should discuss things face to face but you need to do some communicating on what she wants and expects between now and then like would she be hating you if you drop in on her in September and things like that.

I'm getting advice on two separate forums, so I might not have mentioned this here, but this is what I've decided:

In a couple of days I'm going to tell her that I'll be happy to give her the space that she wants for the next three weeks, but I would like for her to give me an hour of her time in September so we can discuss us, unless she's not willing to save the relationship. It's an eight hour round trip that I'm making for one damn hour of talking. I think that is acceptable.

Anyway, I don't even know if we're broken up or just on a break. Feel free to translate: "I'm not saying that it's over.. i'm just saying i need a break to sort everything out. I need to get myself straight... my emotions, my feelings about myself.. i need to be happy with myself so i can be happy with you and make you happy."

Yes that is what you need to do give her time frames to work things out in her head, make decisions and so forth. It is not fair for you to be stuck in limbo indefinitely. If you meet with her and she does not give you something to go on then what does she expect you to be stuck and put your life on hold for who knows... 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, a year?

NOT FAIR!

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

Yes that is what you need to do give her time frames to work things out in her head, make decisions and so forth. It is not fair for you to be stuck in limbo indefinitely. If you meet with her and she does not give you something to go on then what does she expect you to be stuck and put your life on hold for who knows ....3 months, 6 months, 9 months, a year?

NOT FAIR!

Well, I'm not willing to wait forever, but I am willing to wait until March. I graduate from my collegiate program in March and I plan on moving away from where I'm at right now. I'm not going to look for another relationship simply because I don't want to leave the girl behind. If she's still not willing to leave the break, if the break is even still going on, in March, then I can safely end it for good.

Then when you go to see her in Sept that is exactly what you have to do
You have to set up your boundaries like
I am not waiting past March 31, 2009 for us to get back together
I am not waiting if we can not have open communication, compromises, come to understandings, etc...

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

Then when you go to see her in Sept that is exactly what you have to do
you have to set up your boundaries like
I am not waiting past March 31, 2009 for us to get back together
I am not waiting if we can not have open communication, compromises, come to understandings, etc.....

Since March is so far away, I don't feel that it's necessary to mention it right now. I honestly don't see this break extending that far. We'll either break up or get back together within the next couple of months I'm sure.

And since she's the one that wants the space, I'm going to give her space. I'm not expecting communication. I'll talk when I get around to it and she'll do the same. But for the next few weeks, I'm giving her practically all of the space I can.

Yeah you can put the terms on hold but you do need to make it clear that you expect some sort of progress between Sept and March.

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

Yeah you can put the terms on hold but you do need to make it clear that you expect some sort of progress between Sept and March.

And that will be discussed when we have our face to face.

I'd like an opinion on this though: Next weekend she's driving to her friend's grave so she can put flowers on it. I know how much she meant to my girlfriend so I want to help in any way I can. I'm going to tell her the next time we talk that I want to order some flowers as well for her to put there when she goes. It's to show that I'm supporting her, that I know this is tough, and that I am going to be there for her, even when it comes to dealing with someone I never knew.

You can make the offer and then it is up to her if and how she wants to follow through with it.