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    prencilia31's Avatar
    prencilia31 Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jul 24, 2008, 09:25 PM
    Relationship within a relationship
    I have been dating a guy whom I met at work a year ago. He is in a so-called very unhappy relationship. He says that he has been faithful till the end, but she is very insecure about herself so she does not trust him. (She was an ugly duckling). Anyway, we connected and became very close, although we mostly talked and 'spend time' at work. We were intimate, and had sex once. Other times it was mostly kissing and petting, although I could tell he felt guilty afterwards, and always tried to make things work with her. He even broke it off with me and we agreed not to text, call, etc. It worked for awhile, but then we started working together more often and things got heated again. The attraction was always there. Anyway, a few weeks ago, he changed jobs for more money. We said our goodbyes although he lives in the same town, he lives with this lady so I know that I won't see him often. We still kept in touch. One night I called his phone,and she answered and they had an argument. He told me that things were okay, although I apologized for calling him late at night, I reall needed someone to talk to. His sister and I are really close, and she even talked to him and he told her that all was okay. I have called him and left several messages,explaining how sorry I was for going against his advice and calling him late at night. He has not called me back, or responded. I am about to give up. Either he is mad at me for calling,or like his sister said, is trying to test me to see how far I would go to reach him,( for example coming to his new job or calling his home phone). Honestly, I thought about both, but I know I care about him too much to disrespect him in that way. I don't know what to do. I know that he is with her, and loves her, or he wouldn't still be there. But he says that he loves me too. I want to keep letting him know that I didn't mean to call him that late. But I wonder if he is testing me, as his sister mentioned,and maybe I should not fall into his trap and just move on. What do I do?
    tparlat's Avatar
    tparlat Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #2

    Jul 24, 2008, 10:35 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by prencilia31
    I have been dating a guy whom I met at work a year ago. He is in a so-called very unhappy relationship. He says that he has been faithful till the end, but she is very insecure about herself so she does not trust him. (She was an ugly duckling). Anyway, we connected and became very close, although we mostly talked and 'spend time' at work. We were intimate, and had sex once. Other times it was mostly kissing and petting, although I could tell he felt guilty afterwards, and always tried to make things work with her. He even broke it off with me and we agreed not to text, call, etc. It worked for awhile, but then we started working together more often and things got heated again. The attraction was always there. Anyway, a few weeks ago, he changed jobs for more money. We said our goodbyes although he lives in the same town, he lives with this lady so I know that I won't see him often. We still kept in touch. One night I called his phone,and she answered and they had an argument. He told me that things were okay, although I apologized for calling him late at night, I reall needed someone to talk to. His sister and I are really close, and she even talked to him and he told her that all was okay. I have called him and left several messages,explaining how sorry I was for going against his advice and calling him late at night. He has not called me back, or responded. I am about to give up. Either he is mad at me for calling,or like his sister said, is trying to test me to see how far I would go to reach him,( for example coming to his new job or calling his home phone). Honestly, I thought about both, but I know I care about him too much to disrespect him in that way. I don't know what to do. I know that he is with her, and loves her, or he wouldnt still be there. But he says that he loves me too. I want to keep letting him know that I didnt mean to call him that late. But I wonder if he is testing me, as his sister mentioned,and maybe I should not fall into his trap and just move on. What do I do?
    It sounds as if there is one thing he is loving at this moment and that is life. I can give you one piece of valuable advise... the way that he is currently dealing with both relationships is not going to last and it is only a matter of time before it comes crashing down on him. In the end he will be reaching out to whoever takes him. He doesn't deserve either one of you. Trust and friendship is the basis for any loving, lasting relationship. The rocking your world comes along with it! Set your standards higher... let her have him!
    ChihuahuaMomma's Avatar
    ChihuahuaMomma Posts: 7,378, Reputation: 608
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    #3

    Jul 24, 2008, 10:46 PM
    You leave him alone, he's with someone. And you saying that he was faithful to the end is untrue, he cheated on his girlfriend with you.
    charlotte234s's Avatar
    charlotte234s Posts: 1,903, Reputation: 143
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    #4

    Jul 25, 2008, 12:56 AM
    Honestly, I feel that any woman that would get with a man how was spoken for is just a flat-out whore, and sorry, but there's no excuse for that, you're an adult, you need to learn to control yourself. You are disrespecting yourself and his girlfriend. Have some pride and don't run around and be the "other woman" that ALL women hate and despise.
    JBeaucaire's Avatar
    JBeaucaire Posts: 5,426, Reputation: 997
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    #5

    Jul 25, 2008, 12:59 AM
    He's not testing you. He likes you. So what? Tempting other people's boyfriends/husbands is borderline evil. You never planned to be evil, did you?

    You will experience attraction and even love pangs for people your WHOLE life. Your common sense is there to remind you when to ignore it. You should NOT be sleeping with/calling late at night someone else's man. Period. End of argument. Noble people don't do it.

    Now, you CAN tell any single person you are interested in them, nothing wrong with that... even someone who is going out with someone else. But that's it. Until they are free and available, you keep your hands off and your clothes on.

    Being noble is hard. And it is a rewarding life. Think about it.
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,823, Reputation: 2035
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    #6

    Jul 25, 2008, 06:27 AM
    Calling him is only making things worse. You said you apologized once. Repeatedly calling him is about as bad as calling late at night and it might be getting him upset with you.
    He choose to stay and try to work things out with his wife so you have to respect his wishes and leave it go.
    If he does contact you make it clear that you are leaving all contact up to if and when HE wants to talk and leave it go at that.
    prencilia31's Avatar
    prencilia31 Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Jul 25, 2008, 08:18 AM
    To call someone a whore for having feelings for someone is insane. He IS NOT married, he is a single man So does that mean that every woman who sleeps with a man is a WHORE? Because that's what you are insinuating. Being truthful is one thing when it comes to giving advice, but at least try to be reasonable. If you are not married, then I guess that makes you a whore too, right?? And it takes two to do ANYTHING!! SO THINK BEFORE YOU TRY TO JUDGE SOMEONE
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #8

    Jul 25, 2008, 08:47 AM
    This man has led you to cheat, and his sister is his ally. They have made you cross some common sense boundaries, to be used, but you can't see it, so we have told you unanimously, to leave this lying cheater alone, and get a life you can be healthy, and happy with.

    He IS NOT married, he is a single man
    He is unavailable because he lives with another, and no wonder she doesn't trust him, and is insecure. Get a clue as the truth is staring you right in the face.

    Its traditional in society, to refer to the "other woman" as a mistress and/or a whore, so don't get sensitive, as you have defined yourself by your actions.
    Depressed in MO's Avatar
    Depressed in MO Posts: 571, Reputation: 94
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    #9

    Jul 25, 2008, 08:58 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by prencilia31
    To call someone a whore for having feelings for someone is insane. He IS NOT married, he is a single man So does that mean that every woman who sleeps with a man is a WHORE? Because thats what you are insinuating. Being truthful is one thing when it comes to giving advice, but at least try to be reasonable. If you are not married, then I guess that makes you a whore too, right???? And it takes two to do ANYTHING!!! SO THINK BEFORE YOU TRY TO JUDGE SOMEONE
    No one is calling you a whore for having feelings for someone, they are calling you a whore for sleeping with someone who is in a committed relationship with SOMEONE ELSE. Wait, to make it even more clear-no one is calling you a whore for sleeping with someone who is in a committed relationship with someone else, they are calling you a whore for KNOWING he was with someone else and sleeping with him. Put yourself in her place...

    It takes two, you are correct in saying that-but unless you both share the same brain, it only takes one to do the right thing. Had that been done in the first place by either one of you two, you would not be in the predicament that you are currently in.
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,823, Reputation: 2035
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    #10

    Jul 25, 2008, 09:03 AM
    Married/single the fact that he is committed to another it doesn't matter.
    MANY guys go around introducing their girlfriend as MY wife.
    He is unavailable to you and has made that obvious by choosing her.
    You have no real idea about his relationship other than what he has told you
    Often when a guy wants to cheat on his other half will tell the one he wants to mess around with whatever it takes to get them to fall for him. Like we are not married, we do not get along, I do not love her, I am getting a divorce, etc...
    Romefalls19's Avatar
    Romefalls19 Posts: 4,739, Reputation: 1130
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    #11

    Jul 25, 2008, 09:13 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by prencilia31
    To call someone a whore for having feelings for someone is insane. He IS NOT married, he is a single man So does that mean that every woman who sleeps with a man is a WHORE? Because thats what you are insinuating. Being truthful is one thing when it comes to giving advice, but at least try to be reasonable. If you are not married, then I guess that makes you a whore too, right???? And it takes two to do ANYTHING!!! SO THINK BEFORE YOU TRY TO JUDGE SOMEONE

    No, she said you were a whore for following through on those feelings, he is just as much as to blame as you. He may not be married but he is in a relationship which means he is OFF LIMITS! How would you feel if a woman didn't care about your relationship and was sleeping with your boyfriend? I mean he's single so it's fair game. I know my girlfriend wouldn't appreciate me going and sleeping with other women. I might get stabbed as a matter of fact. So before you rant and rave please read the whole post. She didn't say you were a whore for sleeping with a guy, she called you one for sleeping with a man in a relationship!
    MsMewiththat's Avatar
    MsMewiththat Posts: 854, Reputation: 136
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    #12

    Jul 25, 2008, 09:18 AM
    Here's the deal, you have yourself completely convinced that you and he are right and right for each other. Yet he won't call you? Is it possible that he sleeps with the woman that he works with because it gives him an excuse for them to be in contact with him? IS it possible that his girlfriend as you put it... "He says... but she is very insecure about herself so she does not trust him. (She was an ugly duckling). " Isn't so insecure after all, but perhaps smarter than the two of you put together? WHAT ARE YOU GETTING OUT OF THIS? He's cheating that doesn't mean that you have to help. Have more respect for yourself... are you insecure... ugly duckling? If not go get your own man.
    ilovcali's Avatar
    ilovcali Posts: 206, Reputation: 85
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    #13

    Jul 25, 2008, 09:18 AM
    You my dear, are completely NUTS! And you can red flag me for that. I couldn't care less. But what is the matter with you?

    On what planet is a man who lives with a woman he loves defined as "single"? Right, planet CRAZY which is clearly where you are from.

    He's wrong for cheating on his girlfriend, you're wrong because... Clearly this man is attracted to insecure women, because you are insecure too. Only someone with low-esteem and low self-respect does what you are doing.

    And he's actually stopped doing the wrong thing by cutting you off. And you really want people to believe that you just want to say sorry for calling him late at night once by calling over and over and over again?

    Like I said, CRAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZZZYYYYY!! You need more help than this board can give you. But you can start by leaving this guy alone. Maybe his sister too.

    --Cali
    plonak's Avatar
    plonak Posts: 742, Reputation: 117
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    #14

    Jul 25, 2008, 10:45 AM
    Ok so seems like a lot of people have given you their two cents.. and they have been honest.. that's what you wanted right?

    Ok to not bash you too harshly.. you are the exactly the kind of woman that I hated when I was with my ex.. getting into a relationship where the other person is in a relationship is just trouble.. and it's so wrong.. my ex had a friendship where they confided in each other but they never touched but they probably would had if I wouldn't had found out about it.. I hate those woman.. home wreckers.. just stick to single guys and drop the drama
    ChihuahuaMomma's Avatar
    ChihuahuaMomma Posts: 7,378, Reputation: 608
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    #15

    Jul 25, 2008, 11:26 AM
    There is no such thing as a relationship inside a relationship.
    hjpan's Avatar
    hjpan Posts: 902, Reputation: 29
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    #16

    Jul 25, 2008, 12:05 PM
    He fuqed you just for the sake of it..

    There's no othher explanation.
    Bad marriage? Divorce then. Or separate him from the wife.
    prencilia31's Avatar
    prencilia31 Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #17

    Jul 25, 2008, 06:12 PM
    I understand that he is unavailable, and all that... I still don't think that gives anyone any right to call me a whore. I can take conductive criticism, but namecalling is another thing. Again, the word "whore" defines someone who sleeps with someone for money,, in other words, it is a slang term for prostitute!! I did not sleep with him for money. And if he is really that committed, then I wouldn't have his number, etc. so please stop making it look as if I am TAKING something from someone. It's okay to say that Im being used, etc, or whatever, I can take that because I probably am. But to be called a WHORE for liking someone that liked me back, or whatever, is an overstatement. I never have or never will sleep with a guy for money or material things, that's what WHORES do. That's what's wrong in this world, and that's the reason some people don't take advice too well, because there are some out there that do not know how to give advice without attaching a label to someone. You are acting as if I TOOK this man away, or worse, tried to RAPE him. Yes, he is attached, and he too should have thought about that. It takes two people to do anything. And being legally married and bound by vows is extremely different from 'common law' marriage or courting. Otherwise, the same rules that apply to married couples would apply to single ones. Again, do you realize that we are just talking about ONE Person. He and She are not married, so this case doesn't apply. I guess I posted on the wrong site for advice, because people don't seem to do their math before making comments.
    ilovcali's Avatar
    ilovcali Posts: 206, Reputation: 85
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    #18

    Jul 25, 2008, 06:21 PM
    Try this site.

    NetworkTherapy.com - Find a Therapist, Find a Counselor

    --Cali
    prencilia31's Avatar
    prencilia31 Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #19

    Jul 25, 2008, 06:21 PM
    Also, I am not insecure at all and not an ugly duckling. I just felt bad for calling him and possibly causing and argument, so I sincerely wanted to say I was sorry. I am single because I chose to be, I am in grad school and concentrating on my career--so much for the insecurity. He is or was a good friend, and he treated me nice. When I called him the other night, It was to discuss something that had happened earlier that day. It was completely innocent. Actually, he usually turns his phone off at night, so I was expecting to get his voice mail. And for the record, I have had a guy and ex husband from years ago, who cheated on me. I left him, and didn't put up with it. If this woman wants to stay with a man who cheats on her, that's her problem, not mine. We have all played the fool at some point, so the bashing is uneccessary. Again, I am very beautiful, confident, secure, and single... because I wouldn't put up with cheaters. Whoever wants to that's their business. I never blamed the other woman for what my ex did, and I never will, because she is only one person and she can't do anything a man won't let her . Again, I posted to the wrong blog, because if you all were so 'secure' and 'smart' you could give advice without attaching a label or saying you 'hate' females like me or whatever. Again, sorry, have fun.
    JBeaucaire's Avatar
    JBeaucaire Posts: 5,426, Reputation: 997
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    #20

    Jul 25, 2008, 10:10 PM
    Defend, defend, defend. Pointless, pointless, pointless. Not everyone here who answered you called you names. Some of us talked to you rationally. You didn't absorb what we said either.

    So, nice or harsh, you aren't listening. You're right. You posted to the wrong site. If you're looking for the site where people tell you acting like you're innocent when you're not is OK... yeah, that's not us. We'll tell you the truth... some will call you names at the same time.

    But regardless, you're not listening. So, thanks, we'll keep having fun. Thanks for the suggestion.

    Oh, and if you ever DO wake up and decide character is what you DO and not what you can defend, we'll still be here to help.

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