The only thing I can say that was good about breaking it... it reminded me how mean my ex can be... and helped clear up those worries about how they were taking it. I kind of feel like I'm a little angry at my ex so it gives me a little more steam this time. If my ex wonders where I am... all they have to do is remember how nasty they were last night. Well my ex was polite at the end... and tried to chat a little but that was it...

It just all feels like such a game...

I suggest to quit the game, your just messing with your emotions.

I feel you buddy, seems like a big game and probably is. Everyone on here mentions the power that the girl has over you if she dumps you and you continue to be there waiting to here from her, hoping to get back with her, esp. if it wasn't a bad breakup or was something like needing time like my ex told me. I still wonder if there is such a thing as time, instead just a cover up to dump you nicely. I don't know I'm starting to see it as the longer you hold out the more power you have in yourself to move on and uncondition yourself from her. Mine is bothering me because she tells me to call her, text, etc. and texts me almost everyday, is nice, can keeps saying how she wants me to visit. But I'm struggling with stepping out of this fantasy of getting back together and instead need to face the facts, realize that she dumped me, and try to move on. I can go NC but I keep getting the feeling I may be blowing something. Because this is a long distance situation I'm hoping when I see her I will have a good idea of the situation and if she still needs time for herself (dont get that) then that will be it for me. No more visits. I hate to admit it but I think the visit may be the only thing holding me onto her still, and the possibility it may change her mind.

Yes sirrr, listen to turtleneck, your go NC for yourself. It helps!

Its tough to keep to the NC if you have any slight bit of hoping to be with her or that shell come around and want to be with you at least. I still hope everyday to hear she wants to get back together, but in most relationships its not going to happen anytime soon I don't think, otherwise we wouldn't be reaching out on this board, or even at all. I'm not sure if this is weird or just shows how confused I am, but I seem to argue back and forth with myself as if she were to say she doesn't need anymore time, would I get back with her? Most times it is yes, but others I seem to believe I would be hesitant and need to discuss A lot before doing it again. I think I have a pretty unique situation being long distance, it didn't end on a bad break up, but we have plans to see each other in a few weeks and she continues to tell me she wants me to come.
John, I think you should try to keep that memory of her being rude to you and move forward on that, because when it seems like it wasn't on bad terms, its seems to me to be a lot tougher to get over. I deleted her from aim, removed the relationship status on Facebook, and haven't initiated contact with her in about 2 weeks, but all it takes is for you to give into a simple message as little as HI, to set you back to square one, where you immediately think/hope she wants you back. Like I said earlier, I tend to think I have been giving in not just because she has been really nice, but rather because I will see her in a few weeks and seem to have the mindset that this visit, if nothing comes from it, will hopefully be a big enough signal for me to move on

I don't think my ex wants to be back together but I do know they like to use the power over me. Tonight was the first night of my new NC... and I actually had zero problems... felt a little sad but I had such a bad taste in my mouth from my exchange yesterday that it wasn't that hard. I'm going to take Talaniman's advice... I'm going to make a list of things I can and need to do in case I find myself sitting around with too much time on my hands. Usually I love those weekends at home relaxing.. but after a break up its not exactly the best thing to do.

When my ex tried to break up with me 3 years ago (same person)... I did all the wrong things and eventually they came back to me... but I don't think it was ever 100% happy again. I had never heard of going NC and couldn't imagine that would be good. This time I do see the importance of it... doesn't mean its easy... but I understand it. I definitely understand not wanting to know anything. Even chatting yesterday with my ex... I made sure I didn't ask anything.. I literally didn't want to talk about anything... and that kind of made it a shallow conversation considering we had 6 years (3 living together).

On to Day 2... not planning to break it anytime soon I hope.

Is there ever a time when No Contact is no appropriate? In second guessing the No Contact I just wondered when you know if you shouldn't do it...

Never.

There probably isn't, but you will go through ups and downs where you almost convince yourself that you are being out of line going no contact. When you do... immediately come to the board.

Unless I am wrong, is there a time when you should break the no contact? Im assuming if you wanted to be back with her and she came to you and said the same.

What do you think when the ex tells you she understands this is hard on me and will understand if I don't want to talk to her? Does it mean she could care less to talk to me? If so, why has she been so adamant on me visiting her? Or could she realize it is tough on me?

Went online this morning... saw my ex was online... but I didn't say a word and neither did they. I sat there for a while thinking how I knew this wasn't good... and avoiding the need to say something... I wanted to say "so you don't say hi to me now".. but I knew that would not result in anything good. Eventually I just signed off. I don't feel better... but I don't feel worse... Sundays are such a hard day for me to avoid this... giving it time I guess...

Why would my ex reach out and be nice when I went online last Wednesday... then so mean when I was online on Thursday and now not even speak to me if I'm online? Why be nice the first time I logged on and then not be nice every time after that? Confusing

It doesn't matter why... stop analysing it. And delete them off your IM program so you can avoid thoes Mexican stand-offs.

How old are you?

Have you ever heard the short definition of insanity?

It is something like this:

DOING THE SAME THING-EXPECTING DIFFERENT RESULTS.

How long do you want to live in this insanity?

How many times do you want to question the same thing again and again?

I understand you are in limbo over this break-up but the constant self-doubt and worrying isn't going to end this drama.

You need to look for another avenue to pursue.

Infatuation with something you can't have(or shouldn't have,depending on the perspective) is a total waste of time.

You are living for something which just isn't productive.

Learn what you need to do to eliminate this infatuation with her and substitute it with a worthwhile activity.

Waiting for them to get online is just waiting,it is a waste of your time.

Move on,stop the madness,take her out of your 'friends' list,block her from your computer,take her number out of your phone,stop allowing yourself to fall prey to insanity.

You are going to eat yourself inside out, thinking about why she did things. It doesn't matter WHY she did things. You need to realize this. You are spending so much time sitting here wondering why she is doing this and why she is doing that. You are occupying you entire day everyday trying to read in to what she does. So you are sitting here, beating yourself up over a girl that has been selfish. You need to realize that she is not sitting there thinking about everything that you do and don't do. Sure she may think about it for second when she sees you online, but that's it. Then she is back to doing whatever she is doing, and that's that. She is not sitting around pondering and over analyzing things as you are. It doesn't matter why she is doing what she is doing. Nothing has made sense to you yet, even going back to her wanting her space. It doesn't make any sense and none of this will. Realize that right now, and come back and thank me in 6 months for this. Once you realize that none of it is going to make sense, you will be one step closer to healing.

Stop worrying about what she is doing and what everything she does means, and look at what she has already done. She has screwed you for her own benefit, and just continues to toy with your mind. Realize that she has issues and there is nothing you can do about it. HEAL HEAL HEAL!

I know that it hurts, and I know that it is tough because there are so many hours in the day to think about things. And the thoughts keep going over and over in your mind. READ THE STICKIES! Realize how similar your situation is to millions of other people around the world, and do yourself a favor and DO THINGS! Do anything you can. FOR THE LAST FRIGGIN TIME, TAKE YOUR EX Off YOUR AIM. YOU DON'T CARE WHEN SHE IS ONLINE!

I know what you're all saying. I really just have to make this decision and not matter how much work it takes.. just stick to it. I spoke to my ex tonight... all my ex told me was what they ate... asked how I was... told me where my ex is working this week and then went to bed... (sadly this is the typical conversation I always had with my ex... don't laugh). SO... didn't satisfy... didn't destroy me... but I know there's no point in seeking an easy release of the pain by talking to my ex... I need to teach myself to heal and not rely on the source of the pain for that... so easy to understand... not so easy to do.

I will say I do feel the healilng.. even though my path hasn't been perfect... I find myself laughing with friends.. or enjoying TV... even playing games and stuff... things I could never do when the break up first happened.

[QUOTE=JohnD212;1415771]... but I know there's no point in seeking an easy release of the pain by talking to my ex... I need to teach myself to heal and not rely on the source of the pain for that...

If necessary,I will continue to copy these exact words for you,so you don't forget what you wrote.

This is an awesome admission and the first correct step you have taken in a long while.

Don't stop now and DON'T LOOK BACK!There is nothing there for you anymore.

So I haven't spoken or looked for my ex now for about 3 days. It really hasn't been too hard. I think my last conversation was such a waste of time. I ordered a few books... one in particular called "Don't Call That Man!" by Rhonda Findling... just take out the idea of calling a man... and insert a woman... and its perfect self help for anyone who has trouble with No Contact. I found it on Amazon who had a 4 page excerpt you could read... and I knew it was calling my name.

I also went to my first therapy session today (didn't accomplish much on the first day)... but I am realizing that the discomfort I feel right now not talking to my ex... is normal and temporary... and is much easier to deal with then contacting my ex and feeling the anger and disappointment.

I've blocked my ex on IM... I can't see if they're on... they can't see if I'm on... so I can go on and talk to friends... but not see my ex. One day at a time I guess...

The only thing that matters is that you are being proactive in healling and getting over this! Have you thought about volunteering? Getting another job? Instead of spending money on books you could be making money? Just a thought. Let me know if the books help you. I think there should be a sticky on this forum for good self help books to read directly after a break up. Perhaps reviews and such... just an idea! We are in this together. I am glad you are doing whatever you have to so you can get out of this mess and be a better person.

So tonight I check my email and there's an email from my ex. From the subject it's a link to a movie clip... now I know not to read more into it... so I haven't opened it and probably won't be responding. I'm 3 days so far with no contact and it hasn't been as hard this time. It would figure the ex would send a note right when I'm feeling better.

Just delete. You are doing well to keep strong John. Keep up the good work!

Of course she sent you something, that is how they do it! If they don't feel that you are miserable and not constantly thinking about them, they will follow up to try and ruin whatever healing may have been done on your part. Delete, and move on. Don't play games. If you respond you play right into her hands, and you will feel like crap once again. Get the upper hand!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by JohnD212

..but I know there's no point in seeking an easy release of the pain by talking to my ex...I need to teach myself to heal and not rely on the source of the pain for that..

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Just a friendly reminder:)

Haven't responded. Actually had a great day today... even though it was so rainy here in NYC... I found myself going a hour or so without thinking of my ex... how refreshing that felt. Not planning to respond or go online and look for my ex. I hope this healing continues because I prefer this to the back and forth of before.

I am trying to do the same thing as you.. but I have a child so its like I have to pick up..
But what they say is correct... because I'm sure she is just checking up on me to make sure I'm not having any fun and should be crying for her...

Because sometimes when I pick up the phone she will just say something like... oh I bought our son this today... followed by where are you... followed by are you going out tonight... followed by OK bye

Its almost sad to think they can be like this... Keeping us at bay giving us false hope and then ditch us when there finally over the grieving...

Maybe I'm wrong... maybe I just think I'm getting stepped on...

Hope everything works out for you

Everyone refer to my post on this page, because I swear it is the truth. There will be moments when you find yourself having fun and completely oblivious to your whole ex situation... and at times, when these moments happen... BAM!! Your ex just pops up and calls, or shows up where you are at to throw a wrench in your happiness. It is unreal the timing ability they have. Key is, not to let that detour your current mindframe.

Well I opened the email a day after I received it.. no big deal... just a link to a movie trailer... but I know my ex... its was a way to remind me of them without actually putting themselves on the line. No response from me. I've had ups and downs the last few days but I know from everything I've read in books... online... and advice from here... no contact will work if I stick to it. I feel better..

I get the urge to know what my ex is doing and occasionally my mind tries to convince me that they are out having fun... but I just remind myself that I don't know what they're doing. They could be unhappy or bored... what I don't know won't hurt me.

I'm actually finding myself going a few hours without thinking of my ex... I've actually laughed at a few Holiday shows... so I feel like things are finally going in the right direction.

I do have my second therapy session next week... so that is nice. It's good to find out why things are the way they are... but I feel I'm making real progress on my own. The further I get into NC... the more I would lose by breaking it.

So tonight I get two emails from my ex... one has a movie link (didn't open but can tell by subject line) and the second was sent an hour later with no subject to it. Since my ex can tell if I open the email via AOL... I don't think I should open it for now. Why do ex's have to return later.. I've been good for one week now... no contact.. and suddenly these emails...

Good work. Sit on it for a couple of days and maybe then open it... or just delete it straight out. Like you say, what you don't know can't hurt you.

But even if you do read it, and choose not to respond, that will send out a strong message to. You are doing well!

You could block her from your account?

But isn't it nice when you are going no contact and they contact you?

It makes me feel good :)

Anyway my friend just keep your head. And keep on doing what you are doing..

The no contact rule is a hard one. But the rewards are even better!

Yeah we have moment of weak thoughts

And yes! We think about our xs having the time of there lifes. Have sex with more guys than anyone can count.
Sitting in a room with all her boys. Talking about how awful you was in bed. And how she faked everything..

But the think I have done or at least tried to do. Is to tell my little mind to Hush up!

As a Tal says.
Stick to the facts.

And the fact is. You are in no contact mode.
And doing better for it

All the best

Yep... I set a goal of Monday to even consider opening the email with no subject. Funny thing is... I know that game.. if you send emails with subject lines its easier for the ex to not open it since they know what's inside... so you put no subject on the email forcing them to open it. I've done that before when I was having fights.

Yes NC is very hard. Its also very painful but it at least allows a little more calm in my mind and heart while I attempt to heal. Let my ex live with their decision of not wanting me.

So what if you have a child do you still no contact.. sorry that I'm adding my problem in I guess my ? Isn't posted yet

I'm new if she's leaving I think it's cool tell her... BYE

I'm starting to get those thoughts about why my ex would write emails to me... thinking what if they are missing me... and is it getting the way of talking about things if I don't open the emails or respond. Am I right in thinking that if my ex is really serious about working it out they would at least (or I would have the right to demand) pick up the phone and make more of an effort than an email? I just feel the email route is too safe and after all this pain they should have to make more of an effort.

I think you need to stop analysing the emails... you don't know what they say. Stick to the facts. They might just be meaningless forwards. I guess you won't know until you open them... but when you do, don't rush a reply, no matter what they say. In fact, even better, don't reply at all. If you do reply you will go straight back to day one of NC.

Ok so I just get a text message from my ex saying they're in the city and asking if I want to do something together. Of course I want to jump at it but I will just head out with a friend and ignore the message for now. Should I do that? Should I contact them later and say sorry I was busy. I just am afraid I'm blowing any chances.

Don't be afraid at blowing chances. You are doing the right thing by doing your own thing and ignoring the text. You can contact later if you want, but I still don't think that will do anything good. When relationships end, it is for a reason. You guys haven't been broken up long enough nor have things really changed to make you think the relationship would be successful "if" you got back together. Just keep on sticking to NC... your ex is just acting like this because they want to know they are still number one in your mind. Once they know that, they will once again leave you alone for awhile.

Yah... I actually just texted back saying I couldn't get together cause I was seeing a movie... nothing else. About 10 minutes later I get another text saying "who are you going with?" Did you get my email from Friday and why didn't you respond to it?" I didn't reply to that text cause I felt it was an attempt to pull me back into contact. Just going to leave it where it is... Even this brief contact made me very sad. No reason to risk it getting worse.

Good work. Turn your phone off and chill out for the rest of the night and watch a DVD or something to take your mind of it. You're doing well... I just hope sending that text doesn't set you back too much.

Well I replied that I have been busy and didn't see my ex's email... figured that would be it for the night. Get a text message saying why am I so busy... who did I see the movie with... what is wrong with me...

I didn't reply...

1 hour later I get another text message asking me to please come on IM to talk... not going to happen. Only good thing is that I know the pain is finally being felt on the other side. Now I can chill and enjoy my evening.

I LOL'd. Good man. I liked what you did.

I'd just be a little careful and not start playing games with her, you know? I mean, if she's feeling the pain, it's her problem.

But you must remember you are doing it for yourself, not to prove her something. Do not allow her actions to transform into hope, unless you want another run at the rollercoaster!

Seems from a couple of break-up experiences I've seen around here that hope is a highly addictive and toxic drug. Amazing highs. Bottom rock lows. And you always think you are in command!