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-   -   How to stop smothering my girlfriend (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=456691)

  • Mar 10, 2010, 02:46 PM
    bradhywrd
    How to stop smothering my girlfriend
    I have been with this girl for about a year. We are both freshman in college. Its not a totally serious relationship but its not casual either. At first the relationship started kind of bumpy. She didn't know if she wanted to be with just one guy because she felt that she didn't know what else is out there and I think she is afraid she might miss out on something. Over the next 6 months we were on and off and I got my heart broke a couple times. I stuck it out and I showed her that I was going to be there for her and that I'm not going to leave her like some people from her past. After I stuck it out and showed her things started going really well. We spent A LOT of time with each other. Now I feel like she is the soul source of my happiness and I know that I need to stop being this way. I have been getting upset when I don't get to see her and I feel jeleous over every little thing. Even her wanting to spend time with her baby sister. Its bad and I took the first step in realizing I need to stop being this way and find other things to make me happy besides just her. Anyone have any comments on my relationship or ways to help?
  • Mar 10, 2010, 03:33 PM
    chickie543

    Do you have any hobbies? Or anything keeping you busy throughout the day? Or is she the only thing you worry or think about in the day?
    If you have nothing else to distract you then you are going to feel jealous if she's never with you, because you get bored. I would suggest doing things to keep you busy, while she is busy doing other things.
    Also stop thinking about the past, if you love and trust her now. Forget the past, just worry about the future.
  • Mar 10, 2010, 03:57 PM
    AmericanGirl01

    Usually this would be from insecurity. You need to be your own person. Someone else can’t complete you. You can’t make them the sole reason for your happiness. That is way too much pressure to put on a person.

    You have to be stable and content with yourself on your own before you can be with someone and not have it plaguing your mind or holding you hostage every time they’re out. I understand the rush and how addicting it can be to be with someone who makes you feel that good about yourself, but you need to feel that good about yourself on your own. Like that old saying about how you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. It pretty much starts and ends with accepting and loving yourself enough to be content on your own and just enjoying a person for who they are. Nobody can miss you if you’re always there.
  • Mar 10, 2010, 04:25 PM
    Blue Angel

    You may have some underlying issues that you don't even realize. Maybe some sort of abandonment issues, struggling for attention with siblings or friends when you werer younger, etc. It may help for you to meet with a counselor to help you understand these feeling and where they're coming from. If things don't work out with your current girlfriend these issues could affect all following relationships as well.
  • Mar 10, 2010, 04:52 PM
    jaffeyjoeblaze

    Listen you are a freshman in college! There are so many ladies out there its not even funny...

    Don't waste you best years in college in a relationship... I know personally and wish I could have them back... just take it day by day and get more friends that are girls... ladies love a taken man
  • Mar 10, 2010, 04:54 PM
    sunsandmoons

    You really need to watch for this.

    I'll explain a situation I was in a couple of years ago.

    I'd never showed needy behaviour or jealousy before. Then I started dating this girl and she was very distant in the beginning for fear of having her heart broken again since her previous boyfriend distroyed her through numerous cheating events.

    Now she'd make me feel bad if I didn't call or text her on day and I'd apologise. Then she started to make me feel bad if I didn't arrange to see her (she wouldn't try to arrange it)

    She asked me to start texting and calling her more. I said cool, if it makes you feel more wanted.

    She slowly started hanging out with me more and more and giving up a lot more of her free time and time with her friends to see me.

    Then since I was at her beck and call all day everyday she slowly started taking her attention away from me day by day. Then she started not making as much time for me for example, I'd ask to see her on Friday since I was used to seeing her on fridays. It wasn't all of a sudden but gradual and now she was busy every Friday night going out with her friends, yet she'd set out this night for me previously since she worked on a Saturday night. I now got demoted to, I'll see you during the daytime on Saturday. Well with waking up late on Saturday due to her night out and starting work at 6:30pm, id see her for 4 hours on a Saturday and that was all I saw of her all weekend.

    She'd also often be busy and not answer my calls when I rang her, make an excuse.

    Of course this lead me to call more and I'd start getting a little annoyed and jealous when she'd tell me how she was going on a Tuesday night, then going somewhere on Friday yet she hadn't penciled me in for anytime. I'd start making remarks how she seemed to organise things with her friends and not me.

    She said I was wrong and it was all in my head. I got worse and worse and she not long after asked for a break. She came back a week later with a list of things I should do if I still want to see her.

    They included, not texting or calling her more than twice per day (she pushed for all the extra attention in the beginning)

    Not getting upset when she made plans with her friends.

    That I put more effort into seeing her. Me? Put more effort in??

    I suddenly noticed all the signs and realise I was being manipulated really bad!

    She asked for all these things and I gave them because I thought she was insecure. She gradually pulled away which made me try extra hard and made me keep getting upset when she wasn't available so I'd pick fights, she got sick and asked for a break. I did all the things she asked for in the beginning yet she flipped it and ended up making me out to be a possessive guy with a problem. I even believed it myself for a while until people started noticing and said how I'd never been like that before.

    All I can say is watch yourself, some women are amazing at manipulating you if you'll let them.
  • Mar 10, 2010, 05:17 PM
    Blue Angel
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by sunsandmoons View Post
    You really need to watch for this.

    i'll explain a situation I was in a couple of years ago.

    I'd never showed needy behaviour or jealousy before. Then I started dating this girl and she was very distant in the beginning for fear of having her heart broken again since her previous bf distroyed her through numerous cheating events.

    Now she'd make me feel bad if I didnt call or text her on day and I'd apologise. Then she started to make me feel bad if I didnt arrange to see her (she wouldnt try to arrange it)

    She asked me to start texting and calling her more. I said cool, if it makes you feel more wanted.

    She slowly started hanging out with me more and more and giving up a lot more of her free time and time with her friends to see me.

    Then since I was at her beck and call all day everyday she slowly started taking her attention away from me day by day. Then she started not making as much time for me for example, I'd ask to see her on friday since I was used to seeing her on fridays. It wasnt all of a sudden but gradual and now she was busy every friday night going out with her friends, yet she'd set out this night for me previously since she worked on a saturday night. I now got demoted to, I'll see you during the daytime on saturday. Well with waking up late on saturday due to her night out and starting work at 6:30pm, id see her for 4 hours on a saturday and that was all I saw of her all weekend.

    She'd also often be busy and not answer my calls when I rang her, make an excuse.

    Of course this lead me to call more and I'd start getting a little annoyed and jealous when she'd tell me how she was going on a tuesday night, then going somewhere on friday yet she hadnt penciled me in for anytime. I'd start making remarks how she seemed to organise things with her friends and not me.

    She said I was wrong and it was all in my head. I got worse and worse and she not long after asked for a break. She came back a week later with a list of things I should do if I still want to see her.

    they included, not texting or calling her more than twice per day (she pushed for all the extra attention in the beginning)

    not getting upset when she made plans with her friends.

    that I put more effort into seeing her. me? put more effort in???

    I suddenly noticed all the signs and realise I was being manipulated really bad!

    She asked for all these things and I gave them cos I thought she was insecure. She gradually pulled away which made me try extra hard and made me keep getting upset when she wasnt available so I'd pick fights, she got sick and asked for a break. I did all the things she asked for in the beginning yet she flipped it and ended up making me out to be a possessive guy with a problem. I even believed it myself for a while until people started noticing and said how I'd never been like that before.

    All I can say is watch yourself, some women are amazing at manipulating you if you'll let them.

    bradhywrd did not mention that she's pulling away or being manipulative, he's commenting on feelings that he's realizing about himself. It is best for him to discover where these feeling are coming from instead of just trying to pinpoint the blame on his girlfriend, which he doesn't seem to be doing. Just because someone feels they are beginning to get obsessive doesn't mean they are being manipulated.
  • Mar 10, 2010, 05:24 PM
    sunsandmoons
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Blue Angel View Post
    bradhywrd did not mention that she's pulling away or being manipulative, he's commenting on feelings that he's realizing about himself. It is best for him to discover where these feeling are coming from instead of just trying to pinpoint the blame on his girlfriend, which he doesn't seem to be doing. Just because someone feels they are beginning to get obsessive doesn't mean they are being manipulated.

    He said 'in the beginning she didn't know if she just wanted to be with ONE guy'

    This is a huge red flag.

    They were together for a while but they kept breaking up. I feel she may have had something to do with this.

    She give off a vibe that she didn't feel secure so he tried harder and stuck around to 'show' her he would where her other boyfriends didn't.

    He didn't seem to show any of these smothering traits in the beginning until he started trying harder for her sake.

    This could be considered manipulative on her part, because she's making him feel he has to give more, then through force of habbit he's started giving TOO much and feels overbearing and possessive.

    Im not saying that's what happened, but similar happened to me and Ive seen it happen before.
  • Mar 10, 2010, 05:37 PM
    Larken85

    Get a good friend to hang with. Spend a lot more time with him than with her. (notice I said him) you don't want to be spending a lot more time with a her lol, could cause problems. Go get a hobby, bowling is fun. Mostly notice that things are fun without her and you can do things on your own. My counsellor told me to notice that the tires on my car are full. (that doesn't really make sense does it? Well it means that we never notice things that are positive unless they become negative. You never notice your tires unless they make noice or the are flat.) so theory is you notice that your tires are full and start noticing when things are positives. Take time to laugh about something. And most of all learn to love life even when she isn't there.
    Sounds like you are still wanting her to be more serious than she is prepared to be, you got to give it time and just relax about it.
  • Mar 10, 2010, 10:24 PM
    Blue Angel
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by sunsandmoons View Post
    He said 'in the beginning she didnt know if she just wanted to be with ONE guy'

    This is a huge red flag.

    They were together for a while but they kept breaking up. I feel she may have had something to do with this.

    She give off a vibe that she didnt feel secure so he tried harder and stuck around to 'show' her he would where her other boyfriends didnt.

    He didnt seem to show any of these smothering traits in the beginning until he started trying harder for her sake.

    This could be considered manipulative on her part, because shes making him feel he has to give more, then through force of habbit he's started giving TOO much and feels overbearing and possessive.

    Im not saying thats what happened, but similar happened to me and Ive seen it happen before.

    I hope you don't think I'm just trying to argue with you and say you're wrong, you could be right. But I think her telling him from the beginning where she stands about the dating thing is just her being honest, not manipulative. She could have not told him anything making him think they were exclusive and keeping him on a leash, that to me would have been manipulative. It was his choice to continue to date her on and off and stick it out. He's now saying that things have gotten better and she's his soul source of happiness, etc. He hasn't explained if she requested his persistence or not, he just says he's starting to fell more jealous and possessive. Maybe he will respond and clarify some of these points for us. Maybe these feelings he's having stem from his own insecurities.
  • Mar 11, 2010, 10:25 AM
    sunsandmoons
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Blue Angel View Post
    I hope you don't think I'm just trying to argue with you and say you're wrong, you could be right. But I think her telling him from the beginning where she stands about the dating thing is just her being honest, not manipulative. She could have not told him anything making him think they were exclusive and keeping him on a leash, that to me would have been manipulative. It was his choice to continue to date her on and off and stick it out. He's now saying that things have gotten better and she's his soul source of happiness, etc. He hasn't explained if she requested his persistance or not, he just says he's starting to fell more jealous and possessive. Maybe he will respond and clarify some of these points for us. Maybe these feelings he's having stem from his own insecurities.

    Oh no, I understand what you're saying.

    Just thought I'd bring up the topic of manipulation because sometimes the people being manipulated don't even realise.

    You're right, she stated up front and was honest.

    Where my situation differed, the girl stated she wanted a serious boyfriend. She got one and started pulling away.

    In this guys cause, I guess it can be easy if he's been trying really hard for her to get sucked into it. If he's put all his effort into that and possibly neglected his friends and hobbies, he's relying on her for this happiness.
  • Mar 11, 2010, 02:14 PM
    talaniman

    It often happens when we spend so much time, and energy to fix something, prove something to another, meet the needs of another, we neglect OURSELVES in the process.

    Start doing things for you, and let her do things for herself, then you have a nice balance between you. You will both be happier, and have something good to share.

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