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-   -   How to get over your baby mama (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/how-get-over-your-baby-mama-428224.html)

  • Dec 25, 2009, 11:12 PM
    mattbox
    How to get over your baby mama
    Ok. So as you can tell by the date this is posted, its Christmas. And instead of being in a happy and joyous mood, I am sitting in my bed alone with more stress and disappointment then anyone should ever have to endure. 17 months ago I started a relationship with the devil. And by devil, I mean my ex girlfriend. Three months after we started dating, she told me she was pregnant. Not only had she told me she was on birth control, but she told me she wasn't even able to have a baby. I know, silly me to believe a woman about birth control. Right before she got pregnant, she got a tattoo of my entire first and last name on her back. Not only am I not a tattoo kind of person, I am not ghetto. So now I have this girl, with my name on her back, and a 3 month old daughter. I am only 21. As if things weren't bad enough at this point, she cheats on me. So we have the baby 3 months ago and within a month of having the baby she gets a gun tatted on her arm, and starts smoking cigs and weed again. Is it just me, or is that a little crazy? So I end things. 2 weeks after things are ended, she starts dating another person, yes, 2 weeks. So I don't know if it is cause it was christmas week or what, but I decided to try and make things work. So all week long I have been working my hardest to convince her that I am the write person for her and that she should be with me. Here's where it starts to get good:

    As I mention she has a boyfriend already. He is 16, has no car, is a JR in high school and has a 10pm curfew. My ex is 19. I guess maybe I should take it that she is trying to make me jealous? I don't know. But it worked. As I said, this week I decided that I wanted to be with her again and try and help her with her problems and get things back on track. So I tell her all week long that I want to be with her and etc. She responds with the same. Telling me that she is in love with me and still wants to be with me etc. So I tell her she needs to drop the other dude and her and me can start to try and make a life together. Well, she tells me she dumps him, but never did. I find this out yesterday, on christmas eve. So all week long she is telling me she wants to be with me and never gets rid of the other guy after she tells me she did. So I write her this big long letter, prob about 6 pages, talking about how much I love her, how much I want to be in her life, the good times we had, and how we can make things work. As to my knowledge she has yet to read it. So last night when she got off work I asked to talk to her for a few minutes. I asked her if she really wanted to be with me and what she was going to do. I asked her if I should move on, or wait for her, or what? She tells me she will give me an answer today (christmas) So I get there today, to hang out with her and her family and my daughter. I ask her if she has made a decision yet. She tells me "I dont want to talk about that right now". So OK, I get a little mad and keep asking her. "Please just tell me what I am suppose to do, tell me if I should stay and wait for you, tell me if I should move on or try meeting other ppl". She doesn't answer any of that. She continued to be mean to me all day long, not answering any of my questions and pretty much ignoring me the entire day! Might I add, she was texting her new boyfriend all day long. So as night comes, after an entire day of being ignore and completely disrespected, she tells me that she wants to go hang out with this boy one more time. She wants to hang out with him one more time and she is going to leave him to start over with me. So I tell her OK, if that's what it will take then fine. So she tells me, look, just leave for a little while and I'm going to hang out with him and were going to go see a movie or something and then when I'm done you can come back and sleep over. Well about 6 hours have gone by and she still hasn't told me to come back over to sleep. She is sending me random text like "I love you so much" "I can't lose you" "are you ready to be with me forever" and so on. Very very random and odd. She is obviously saying that to try and divert my attention from her not coming home yet to be with me. So I've decided that this is it world. Its time for matt to move on. Its time for matt to do what he wants for a change. I could really use some help to get over her the right way. As we have a baby together, I can't completely exile her from my life. So as I said, any information would help. Anything.

    PS. Sorry about any spelling grammers, as I didn't go back and check. Also I am sorry about how long this is! Thanks again.

    HELP!!
  • Dec 26, 2009, 08:20 AM
    amicon
    Your child must be your priority now. You need to get the legalities sorted out and make sure that your baby girl is being looked after properly.
    As for your ex-sorry you can't go no contact when you have a child together-but have as little to do with her as possible.
  • Dec 26, 2009, 08:27 AM
    mattbox
    But how do I actually get over her??
  • Dec 26, 2009, 08:39 AM
    amicon
    There is no magic wand I'm afraid. Getting over someone takes time. Keeping busy and spending time with family and friends helps.
    Read the stickies at the top of the relationship page for advice on how to handle a breakup.
  • Dec 26, 2009, 09:39 AM
    sabrewolfe
    First of all, she is very immature. Keep that in mind.
    You need to get custody of that baby and make that your main focus. The child will need the stability that the mother obviously can't give.
  • Dec 26, 2009, 02:09 PM
    talaniman
    You may never completely get over her, but you can use common sense, and past experience, to not fall for what you know is completely immature crap.

    Make your child the priority, and take care of your responsibility as a dad, and build a life that you enjoy without your ex.

    My gosh, enough is enough, and how many times are you going to let this teeny bopper screw with your head? You have made enough bad choices already, start making some better ones DAD!!
  • Dec 26, 2009, 04:10 PM
    Devorameira
    You deserve a loving respectful relationship. The pain you are feeling is saying: “Hey, get me out of this, because IT HURTS!” And the only way to remove yourself from the source of emotional agony in your life is to make a COMPLETE break.

    Staying with her is kind of like keeping your hand halfway in boiling water! If you take your hand out completely, and allow it to heal, then you will be free from pain! But, if you choose to keep sticking your fingers into the boiling water, this is the same as continuing to return to this painful relationship with her. One is physical pain, and the other is emotional.

    It'll be hard, but you need to focus on you and your baby girl. Have you thought about getting custody of your baby? Wouldn't the baby be better off with you than with a run around pothead?
  • Dec 26, 2009, 06:19 PM
    Cat1864
    First things first, is there a paternity test stating that you are the father?

    If not, get one. If so, are you prepared to be a full time parent as well as support the child? Even if you don't get custody, you need to go through the courts to protect your rights as the father with regard to visitation, child support, etc.

    If the child is not your daughter, go total No Contact and have nothing else to do with her and hers.

    If the child is yours, limit your contact to only what is needed to care for the child, visitation, clothing, diapers, daycare, etc.

    Examine how you really feel about her. Is she the one you care about in any way at all or is it the child? (For that matter, how do you feel about being a father?) Do you want her or do you just not want the other guy to have her? Are you trying to convince her and yourself that you love her?

    Frankly, I get the feeling that you don't want her as much as you don't like 'losing' her the way you did. She seems to have done some things that you find offensive (the first tattoo for one) and, if the child had not come along, I doubt that you would even be contemplating staying in a relationship with her.
  • Dec 26, 2009, 07:35 PM
    mattbox

    I can't even tell you how much some of this information has helped. Just seeing stuff that other wrote is great. I would love to see what some more of you think!

    Cat1864 some of the stuff you posted was a real eye opener. Ya know, maybe I am just trying to prove myself to them. As I know she really isn't the right person for me, its just hard to accept reality that it may really be over. And you know, maybe some other day when she matures a little, we could try and put this relationship back together. But as of now, I don't think either of us are ready for that!

    And also, there has been no test yet. I feel like she has very many of my features! But my mom keeps telling me we need to get a test done. But I don't want to come straight out and ask them to get her tested. I would rather wait until I get custody and then go get her tested! Know what I mean? Thanks again for the above posted! KEEP THEM COMING! IT HELPS SO MUCH!
  • Dec 26, 2009, 08:14 PM
    Cat1864
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by mattbox View Post
    And also, there has been no test yet. I feel like she has very many of my features! But my mom keeps telling me we need to get a test done. But I dont want to come straight out and ask them to get her tested. I would rather wait until I get custody and then go get her tested! Know what I mean?

    I understand what you are wanting to do. However, if you get custody and it turns out that she isn't your child, it may be more difficult to let her go back to her mother.

    Be prepared for all kinds of accusations and secrets to come out during any custody 'battle'. I don't think this is going to be easy and you may have to prove paternity to get custody.

    Good luck.
  • Dec 26, 2009, 08:35 PM
    talaniman

    I doubt seriously if you even have a case without paternity testing done. At least you can make decisions about how to proceed based on facts and not just feelings.

    In a court of law, a judge doesn't care about feelings, only facts, and the best interest of the child, so a test is a must.
  • Oct 7, 2010, 09:20 PM
    Nsc1202
    Man keep your head up I'm going through the same thing with a cheating baby mama, she won't let me see my son unless I'm with her but she cheats on me every time we're together. It's been this way for 3 years and our son is turning 1 soon. I'm currently waiting for the courts to grant my visitation but the legal system looks at the mother like a saint, no matter what. The mother of my son is bipolar and beat up her mom and me multiple times and yet I get dumped on... Sometimes that's life. Don't accept it, fight to change it to a situation that makes you happy, or at least content. You can be the best, nicest guy in the world, I thought I was, but the courts always feel the mother is the best for a child. It sucks and it hurts, better yet it kills and takes alotta time to get over it
  • Nov 5, 2010, 07:27 PM
    MichaelH
    Paternity tests are relatively cheap, and easy. http://www.dnacenter.com/paternity/h...t-advisor.html Follow the instructions on the site, and once you receive it in the mail, you're a couple cheek swabs away from the truth. Don't accept less than you deserve man, and you deserve better than her.
  • Apr 27, 2011, 08:16 PM
    getoverit1989
    To be honest I'm in the same boat, I have a babymama and I pretty much ****ed up everything I think but I guess I'm going to stick with that... ammm she has been unfaithfull for awhile but I kind of knew it but I just looked pasted it and me and her hand common grounds and everything but I haven't got over her ause deep down inside telling me she don't wants to be single but she living her life having differnet sex partners and all that bull. Its hard being serpated from her cause I was with this girl 2 years and not even counting the months we knew each other before hand. Ammm I dealing with this now since 1 week now and I don't know if I can move on cause I've been with her for so long and also I've been out the game so long and how do I go back. But stepping on the subject again realationships are hard and I know what your feeling but my method on getting over it is start talking to other people cause as she did with you its time to move on to others so you can get over her with a new face. Maybe a couple one night stands or even just go on a couple of dates. You got to move on by doing you and being free. That's the best advice I can give. So I'm on the second step on making a couple of dates and then I had my one stands so I can start my move process. So you got to have it with in to move on reguradsless you still got to see her but see her when your happy. Not sad cause they can feed off it, make her feel what you feel its kind of dirty but it all fair love and war. So when you pick up your daughter and be happy with someone else in your mind so she know she really ****ed up and so you kind of feel good and there you go you moved on.
  • Dec 22, 2012, 10:36 PM
    kashtalent
    I feel your pain Iam in a same type of stituation how are you doing now?

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