I really and truly do hope he doesn't. If he does and is playing you this harshly, your future could be very very grim.

Oh dear, after reading your post, it gives me the creeps. There are very clear signs that you are in a very toxic relationship. Here is a link for you to read about what toxic relationship is.

Toxic relationship

There are a lot of redflags that can be identified by most of us here and you should take this very seriously.

You sound like a very sweet, warm and kind girl. I think you were very brave to express your concern and how you felt from the harm he has caused you. You did the right thing, communication is an essential key to a relationship. Nevertheless, you love him very dearly and believe he can change for the better by you, either helping him by talking,

OR

Comply with his COMMAND.

You see, abusive people always picks out the nice and gentle people. There is no point communicating with him if he does not listen to you with his heart because almost every time you try to share your feelings in a communicative way, you are always being cut off. It is a pure sign of abuse. You may think he loves you which is incorrect. I urge you to find out more what "Love" truly is.

Love comes with respect from both parties.
Had he truly and deeply love you, he would truly feel for you, and understand the result of his doing to what pain you receiving. He would listen, and he would tell himself "My significant is hurting, am i doing the wrong thing, i'm inflicting fear in her, this is not right. Because love is about caring and trusting."

Do not confuse yourself with love and abusive toxic relationship. It clouds your mind. For a guy who is 28 and with such temper tantrums, it is very dangerous. What will happen in another 10 years time? You and your children will suffer from his urge for "Control"

It is very unlikely you will be able to change him. The more you try, the more he will resent you, and it will be extremely dangerous for you in the long run.

You are really in a toxic relationship and I advice you to head yourself to the door.

However, if you do this!! Please walk out in a very safe and planned manner. Because if you walk out from him now impulsively, you might trigger his rage and he must do something harmful. Be very careful.

He might also switch to his sweet, warm and gentle mode and say he will change, he will do better, bla bla bla... don't buy it, unless he himself has changed, took effort to improve himself, get himself in therapy without the need for you to tell him so. Else you will let yourself be consume by him and turn you into his acolyte.

Hope this helps. Good luck.


Btw, I'm a guy, and I had been verbally and emotionally abused by my ex before, and all those signs you had were very much exactly like mine. Whenever I try to express myself for her behavior, she will give her ultimatums, then at normal times, she will pose her sweet gentle side. This is a brainwash mind control method that causes you to be addicted, and you will be so hooked you are afraid of them leaving you because you don't want to end up being ALONE. Please take this seriously.

The problem is, HE is the only person that can really help himself.

You're in a relationship where you love someone that is controlling and frequently unkind to you. Can you see that this is what you're used to, and in fact you don't know anything different?

I don't know if your BF has the capacity to be vulnerable and sensitive - this is what you'd like, not necessarily what he is. He may not even have the capacity to forgive and forget since he chooses to hold on to his anger.

However, if you want to help him to deal with his anger - and he is the only one that can do this - then you need to suggest he goes to counselling.

Again, if you and the relationship are important to him, then he will choose to examine and hopefully modify the behavior that upsets you.

Don't be surprised however, if he is unable or unwilling to do this.

Stop. I realize this is not what you even wrote about and it's not what everybody is answering. But for the love of God, you past does not equal your future. What happened with your dad or mom's boyfriends, or her death does not have anything to do with the here and now. You set yourself up for success. You have failures and get through them and you look back and learn from them. Your failures lead to success. Your success leads to more success.

The girl who won the lottery tonight is more successful then me and your boyfriend combined. That doesn't make her better, or more important or even relevant. Elvis Presley was more successful then most people who have ever lived and died with his face in a toilet. He does not define your success and for that matter your happiness. You define it. If he doesn't like your definition that your create for yourself, then he's the one with the problem.

What kind of loser dates his girlfriend who he already knows did not have it as easy as he did, but then instead of bringing value (by that I mean encouragement, support, help, kind words nothing at all financial) to her life, he runs her down to build what apparently little he has up. If I'm dating a girl, I'm not going to cheerleading everyday, but I'm not going to kill her spirit either.

I can tell by reading your 4 posts you have a great spirit. You've gone through more then most, which means your tougher then most, which is damn great trait to be proud of. Do not let someone with supposed, made up success tell you your not as good as him, because you sure are tougher then him. You also are a lot more tolerant then he is. Both traits he apparently at his older, more mature age hasn't picked up on yet. Maybe it's time you start looking at number 1 and let him know and then demand he start recognizing what other good traits you bring to the relationship.

I could tell by your last two post that you are a Christian. Good for you. I too am a child of God. You weren't as fortunate as I was to be raised in a Christian home with a loving Christian mom and dad. I was sheltered and didn't date a whole lot. Let me tell you about my ex.

He was a charmer and the guys I had grown up with were nice guys
And gentleman. I was a tad overweight and when I met him.I think he saw something in me that told him I was sensitive about my weight even though my parents always told me.. you're pretty and you look fine.

So against my parents wishes I married him.. he was my first everything.. We had been married just a little while when the verbal abuse started and I always argued back. One evening he said something about my weight and I said something back. He hit me so hard in the face I thought he had broken my jaw. I hit him back and the next time he didn't give me a chance to hit him back he left me lying on the floor .

I think the shock was the worst thing.. Here I was a little nineteen year
Old country girl.. who had never seen my daddy raise his hand to my mother or rarely spank his children. I was so far from home and I felt as if God had forsaken me. He hadn't.. he gave me opportunities to get away but I loved this guy.. even though everyday was a constant stressed filled day of dread.

The final straw after broken bones and black eyes was after my child was born and one night I couldn't take it anymore after he screamed at her she was still a tiny baby and he was yelling and I went crazy. I fought back and I left and never returned. I have a wonderful husband and he is the only dad she has ever known.

My Dad prayed so hard for me.. and he never said I told you so. He and my mom were so supportive. So if you are a Christian please pray and god will guide you. He doesn't want anyone hurting one of his... Please listen to his voice and leave this man. I wish you you blessings:)

God Bless you KitKat22.
Your story is a blessing. One that would give women the strength they need to leave a horrible situation.

Ok, I'll agree with you that he is not 'a bad man'. It is a rare individual that is actuall totally bad or totally good. We all have both within us. Now you have to consider that he is not a totally good man, or at least some of his behaviour isn't. Yes he can be loving, charming, etc, but stand back and look at what else he is.

Ok so you want a loving, supportive relationship with him. Of course you do. But the fact is you do not have that. You cannot make that happen alone. You cannot make him behave the way you want. In fact most of the time he is preventing you from behaving how you want to. He is manipulating you and controlling you. No matter how much you care for him that is not what a good relationship is about.

The only hope I can see is if he can see that he has some very serious problems and will go to counselling and anger-management. Even then it would be a long and difficult path and I do fear, as many others have suggested, that his bad behaviour could escalate. If he can admit he has serious problems and is more than willing to seek help there might just be a chance, but he really has to acknowledge that it is him with the problems and he needs help.

However, I think you also have to look at yourself. I mean this in the nicest way, but the fact that you are putting up with all this and are so afraid of losing him suggests you need some proper help with your own self-esteem. The fact that physical abuse has featured in your past and you are in an abusive (albeit non-physical at the moment) relationship makes this clear.

You are afraid of letting this relationship go and stuck on the idea that you can fix it alone, I'm so sorry but you can't. Please get yourself some counselling so that you can see how much more you deserve and understand what is really going on here.

I'm sorry but I do agree that this man is abusive, and I do fear it may get worse. I also understand that you are not really ready to hear that and don't want to give up on this yet. Get yourself some counselling, and gently suggest your partner does the same. If you get help first, hopefully the counsellor can help advise you on how to broach the subject with your partner. If you cannot get him to agree to counselling or at any sign that his anger is turning physical, then you really have to tell yourself you have no choice but to get out. But get whatever help you can to make you fully realise your own worth now.

I don't think him being a good guy, or not is the point. I think the point is that you as a partner, have to be honest with yourself, to be honest with him, and standing up for yourself in the face of bad behavior, or anything you think you do NOT deserve, is what needs to happen, just so you both know each others boundaries.

If you can't do that for yourself, don't expect him to be able to do it for you.

Perhaps at the time that was her recourse. Sometimes things are not that simple.
I think if someone were about to hurt my child, my first thought would not be to tell my parents.
She did what was her to do and she has overcome. So lets not criticize. We were not in her shoes.

As I said she did not tell the OP to do that, she told her to leave, but she took a risk and shared her story and I say good for her.

I have the qualifications and have already given the OP the same advice Kitkat22 did so well by sharing her life experience with us -- get out now!

Get Out Now, is the only true advice. Not much to add. Everybody pretty much has said it.