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    Romefalls19's Avatar
    Romefalls19 Posts: 4,739, Reputation: 1130
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    #81

    Mar 5, 2009, 08:35 AM

    They come but more importantly they go too. Keep up the good work
    LoveStoned's Avatar
    LoveStoned Posts: 150, Reputation: 10
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    #82

    Mar 5, 2009, 09:05 AM
    I really do feel your pain. Its been 6 weeks so far NC with my situation and today I woke up crying remembering my dream with him. I have to say though... NC does work by making you realize that you no longer are connected with this person. You have the freedom to do whatever you please. I've been good, sometimes not, but it gets better as the weeks go by. Trust me.

    Hang in there And whenever you're feeling down come here. This site really does help a whole lot. :)
    ImTotallyLost's Avatar
    ImTotallyLost Posts: 134, Reputation: 24
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    #83

    Mar 5, 2009, 07:26 PM

    Much better today! At least this time I didn't send any stupid e-mail, hehe. I did go to her Facebook page to check it though... last time I went there was in December... there's nothing bad there, so it didn't set me back. But it was a mistake to go. I could have seen something I wouldn't want to see. Plus, it's not my life anymore.

    Yeah, you are right... Usually I try to do something to get her out of my mind but yesterday I really didn't have much choice since I was stuck in the lab alone... and I wasn't really feeling great about my work (one of those days). But today I'm back. Hopefully this time the joy lasts 2 weeks.
    kctiger's Avatar
    kctiger Posts: 3,653, Reputation: 1319
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    #84

    Mar 6, 2009, 06:38 AM

    How many times must I say (and Rome too) to get rid of FACEBOOK!! Delete her from your friends list... nothing bad was on there this time, but what happens next time when you see her making out with another guy? Is Facebook really worth all that?

    It won't kill you to get rid of that website, or at least to delete her from your friends list.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #85

    Mar 6, 2009, 07:58 AM

    Had to spread the rep again KC, but leaving the exes Facebook, and myspace alone, is an absolute must to healing. That's as bad as calling, texting, or emailing them.

    Stay with NC, and you will see you have to deal with bad days, as well as good days, whether the ex is there or not.

    Its all about how you COPE with whatever life throws at you.
    ImTotallyLost's Avatar
    ImTotallyLost Posts: 134, Reputation: 24
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    #86

    Mar 6, 2009, 04:40 PM

    Look KC, you can ask me to get rid of Facebook a thousand times and I'll give the same answer every single time.

    I can't stop using the website because that would basically mean cutting 80% of my social life. I could delete her from my friend's list (as I have done long ago) but I still can see her profile because we are on the same network (as I kept doing over and over during that period). I've readded her due to silly reasons back in Jan but I won't do anything about it anymore, basically because it might trigger response from her. It's as good as sending her an e-mail saying "I hate you". I know that if I delete her, than I'll be waiting for her complaining and then if she does, I'll be like "crap" and if she doesn't I'll also be like "crap". Why going through that? I've just blocked notifications a while ago from her so that I don't even know she exists.

    Hey, it could've been awful but it wasn't. You're asking me what about next time? Well there won't be a next time. If I spent 2 months without going to her page and I was thinking of her everyday, I'm quite sure I can go the next 2 months when I'm thinking less and less about her. I am quite disciplined with these things. I mean, I still know her e-mail password (she probably changed it by now) and I never once used it.

    I know you guys mean well, but sometimes you're overly aggressive. It's not like I was calling her and begging or dreaming of going back or something like that. Dude, I've talked with this person everyday for 4 years. So I apologize for, for the first time in 2 months, having a moment of weakness and wanting to know what she was up to. I know it wasn't a good idea and I said that myself. No need to throw stones at me.
    kctiger's Avatar
    kctiger Posts: 3,653, Reputation: 1319
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    #87

    Mar 7, 2009, 07:54 AM

    If I was going to throw stones at you, it would be blantantly apparent. We are hard on you because we have ALL been there. I can't tell you how many times I screwed the pooch on this NC thing, and it sucked. Most of the time it was because I "felt" like I could handle reality, and when I got cocky and tried, I stumbled a bit. It is those little moments of weakness that can sometimes have a huge impact on our progress, you know? All I am saying is remove the temptation. I understand if you don't, as that is your God given right. I also know the "I've talked to her or everyday for 4 years" thing, welcome to the club. Didn't mean to ruffle your feathers, so calm down, and enjoy the ride! You know I got your back! Every time I am hard on someone it is merely because I care, nothing more. I don't do it to be a jackarse, or anything of that nature...

    Carry on... :cool:
    ImTotallyLost's Avatar
    ImTotallyLost Posts: 134, Reputation: 24
    Junior Member
     
    #88

    Mar 9, 2009, 08:55 PM

    Haha. That's all right. I was just vented on one day and then I replied to a couple of comments on the next day.

    No worries... I know having her info available to me on Facebook is not the ideal situation, but I don't really see much of a way out right now, unless I ask her to get out of my schools' network (which is her school too), or to block me - I blocked her notifications and that has been enough. If there was some solution like the e-mail filter one, that she wouldn't know I did, than, I'd do it. Any other thing would lead to a conversation or at least me being crushed again by conversation or by her not caring about it. And I don't need any of those right now. I'll just use my discipline and be stronger next time I get this temptations... I've always been one to respect her privacy when we were together, why would I change one good characteristic of mine now? If she wants me to know something, she knows how to get to me.

    Anyway, these are useless things right now. There's so much more to life than this. Right now I am actually finding this whole experience amusing. I learned so much about myself because of this mess that I'm almost sending her a "Thank You" note. I've never been so active in my life, and I never loved life so much as I do now. I finally discovered what it means to have feelings so strong that you have no control of. It sucked, but now it feels good to know that you've experienced the real thing. I mean... poetry, songs, they were never so meaningful to me. I learned a huge lesson from it.

    There's something stupid on human nature that makes us keep playing with scars that aren't yet fully healed. We go back there to see if it's healed, and then it hurts. That's why heartbreak songs are so popular ;-).
    ImTotallyLost's Avatar
    ImTotallyLost Posts: 134, Reputation: 24
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    #89

    Jun 14, 2009, 05:13 PM

    A late update, in case anyone was wondering what happened to me...

    Well, I stayed out of touch with my ex for a while (about two months) until Easter, when I felt I should just wish Happy Easter. After that there were a couple of weird things (my mom told me she was going to do a summer internship in my city - turned out to be a rumor; she would talk with me for long hours; she kept making sure that I knew she wasn't seeing anyone, never did) which got me confused for a while.

    At the same time I made a very good local friend. In the beginning I was going after her but she became a very good friend and one night we started talking about many of these personal things... it was very cathartic for me. It made me lose the emotional charge of the relationship with my ex. It was an amazing feeling. I guess it had to do with me realizing that, after all, good friends aren't that hard to make and I didn't need to be in a relationship for that.

    After that, all the things that bothered me about my ex behavior didn't any longer. I managed to really stop caring about that. But I won't say I was ready to be "just friends". I think that's never really happening. We'll always have that thing in every meeting and every conversation. But it doesn't have to make me feel bad, it's just something that's there. I still can keep a conversation with her without feeling like and I really don't care if she's seeing someone or whatever.

    Not to say the situation isn't weird, fundamentally. I would be lying if I said I have no feelings for her. And I can tell that she still likes me (yeah, some of you will say you can't really know that, but I know). I still think we would be a kickass couple we've always been, but I don't need her to be a kickass dude or in another kickass couple. And I'm exploring some other possibilities around here ;-).

    In the end, what matters is to be happy.
    Empty Cans's Avatar
    Empty Cans Posts: 106, Reputation: 25
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    #90

    Jun 14, 2009, 08:50 PM

    Hey ITL,

    Good to have and update from you to hear that you are doing well. I really feel that our stories are very similar and is heartening to hear of you doing so well.

    I know what you mean about the "just being friends" thing... I met with my ex over the weekend, and while we are now able to hang out alone, we too will always have this thing between us whenever we meet. And you are right, its not something to feel bad about, its just something that there, and I am learning to accept all of that. I know that the both of us haven't ruled out something happening in the future, but we both see that right now we just need to focus on our own lives.

    For me, I know she is seeing someone now, and although it does hurt, I care a lot less than I would have a while ago... its still on my mind, but I know that's only because its recent news and its just something I have to take in my stride. I even told her that for what its worth I wish her and this new guy all the best... and it felt good to do this.

    And same again, fundamentally the situation is weird. I still have feelings for her, and like you, I can see that she still likes me, but just that now is not the right time.

    I really like what you said about being a kickass couple... I know that me and my ex could still be that again... but yeah, I don't need her for me to be a kickass dude and there are plenty of kickass relationships out there for me to come.

    I suppose for me I am still trying to get back to being that guy I was before I met her, but and even better version because I have all this experience behind me now and have learnt so much.

    Anyway, good to hear from you man, I've really enjoyed following your progress these last 6 or so months!
    ImTotallyLost's Avatar
    ImTotallyLost Posts: 134, Reputation: 24
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    #91

    Sep 1, 2009, 10:34 AM

    I'm starting to believe in God and getting the feeling he has an interesting sense of humor.

    I became a single guy again. I developed a few romance interests that didn't move forward for various reasons (she's seeing someone else, she's not into something serious, she's not into me, etc... ). I even had a couple of hook-ups and one-night stands - one of them was so screwed-up (I was the bad guy) that the break-up was harmless in comparison. I rarely remember my ex and only when it is about some piece of news or joke she'll probably like. And I normally forward her that, because that's what I do with anyone else. No hard feelings whatsoever. But that's the only type of "communication" with her. I have no clue of what's going on with her life and I don't care. Well, I was going to her city in this fall semester because of a conference and would probably meet her for a cup of coffee but it would be one of those "so, life is funny, eh?" kind of thing. And I wouldn't care if I didn't meet her at all.

    Which doesn't mean I don't have feelings. It's just that I stopped thinking about them. And it's quite easy when you're leaving 1000 miles away. I can just blame the distance, say it's pointless to really sort out and let time take care of it without my help. That was my plan. Since I would be staying here in this ex-free city for the next 3 years, eventually things would have worked out.

    BUT - because I wouldn't be posting here if there wasn't a but - it turns out that my advisor is transferring out of my university and going to a much better one in her city. And she asked me to go with her. I can choose not to go, but professionally it wouldn't make any sense - I wouldn't lose school time and it would be an upgrade for me - I would be responsible for a new and much better lab and have the top researchers on my field a subway ride away. So I am going. It would be silly not to.

    So right now, I'm seriously excited about the whole ordeal. Moving to a nicer city, a better school, and with the sense that my professional choices are paying off big time. I feel like I'm the luckiest person in the world. But I have now this fear, borderline panic, of confronting her, confronting it. I don't know if I should give up on the possibilities I have in the city I'm leaving now because I'm leaving or if I should just keep going like I have been and see where it goes. I don't know if she still likes me or if she doesn't care. I don't know if I like her or I only miss someone that doesn't exist and perhaps never existed. I don't know if it was really only the distance or if there was something more. I am very scared to find that out.

    But I guess that's life, right? Scary.
    jmw0713's Avatar
    jmw0713 Posts: 1,012, Reputation: 305
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    #92

    Sep 1, 2009, 10:56 AM

    Don't worry. The chances of you running into her are very slim, unless it is a super small city.
    amicon's Avatar
    amicon Posts: 6,066, Reputation: 1911
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    #93

    Sep 1, 2009, 11:03 AM

    Scary-yes but exciting.
    kctiger's Avatar
    kctiger Posts: 3,653, Reputation: 1319
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    #94

    Sep 1, 2009, 11:07 AM

    Don't let your ex detour you from making a better life for yourself. She isn't a crutch to not follow your dreams.
    ImTotallyLost's Avatar
    ImTotallyLost Posts: 134, Reputation: 24
    Junior Member
     
    #95

    Oct 15, 2009, 08:11 PM

    It was bound to happen, right? I'm losing it, emotionally. I'm fine, I'll be fine, I'm functional and fully functioning. But I am not feeling right. It's just... I don't know what she's thinking. I want to not want to know (if this makes sense). But sometimes I just feel I should call and ask straight what is she thinking. I wonder if she wants anything from me or if she's going to be another one of the random girls in there and that it's like I'm moving to somewhere else.

    Yes, it's insane. I just wish I could avoid going insane.
    amicon's Avatar
    amicon Posts: 6,066, Reputation: 1911
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    #96

    Oct 16, 2009, 12:58 AM
    It shouldn't matter what she is thinking-she s in the past.
    Though thoughts of exes on occasion are normal its not the healthiest option to wonder about their thoughts or actions.
    What else is happening in your life now?
    Is your work OK? Are you keeping yourself busy?
    That's what matters-you.
    zeeniee's Avatar
    zeeniee Posts: 341, Reputation: 63
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    #97

    Oct 16, 2009, 04:55 AM

    Hi Im Totally lost,
    Looks like your just going through a dip- not to worry- as the dip will disappear just as it came.

    Instead of thinking of the ex- etc- think of positive things you can do right now- and start picking yourself up, and hopefully before you know it- you will be going up in life and not down.
    Empty Cans's Avatar
    Empty Cans Posts: 106, Reputation: 25
    Junior Member
     
    #98

    Oct 16, 2009, 09:55 PM

    Hey ITL... I'm sure you know it already, but these urges come and go. Its just a normal part of it all... I have been through so many cycles now I know I can just deal with the crap and move along.

    I totally know what you mean when you say you "want to not want to know" about her. The thing is, if you did call her up, what would really be said? Its not going to achieve anything and will most likely make things worse. Like you said earlier, its pointless so let time just keep doing its thing on its own.

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