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sweetann_32 · Oct 2, 2010, 04:36 PM

I found out that my boyfriend has another account with someone else. How I found out is that I went to the bank to do a transaction and was asked if I'm Miss xxx. I was shock. We have an account there together and he foolishly put the account on the same pin card. I said foolishly, because it should he hid the bank book under the back seat of our waggon and add the account to the debt card. Guess the clerk wasn't suppose to ask for a name, but an ID. (guess it was luck.) The account was open in July 2010 and I found out in September same year. I asked him about it and he denied it, as I expected. Today, (October 2) I decided I wasn't going to take the car to the car wash and get it done by myself at home and there I found the bank book with his name and another. LUCKILY, for him it was his mother's name enclosed, which I have no problem with. But what bothers me is that why he has to lie about it and how many many lies he has told before now. He is the primary holder of the account and his mother lives in another country. From the incident, things has not being the same because I feel deceived, and feel I want to be away from him to clear my mind.

joypulv · Oct 2, 2010, 05:58 PM

Oh now stop. This is an excellent example of not jumping to conclusions. He has every right to keep this a secret. 'He is the primary holder of the account' is to my mind just a roundabout way of saying it's HIS money!! DO YOU PUT FUNDS IN THE ACCOUNT?
I can't stand this idea that 2 people can't have secrets. Please search your heart and soul and memory and tell us you don't have any.

talaniman · Oct 2, 2010, 06:30 PM

You found out he and his mom have an account together?? And you feel deceived? Seems he wasn't hiding it all that well, but calm down, and ask him what's up instead of jumping to conclusions, and going nutty.

Cat1864 · Oct 2, 2010, 07:44 PM

I can understand being upset about him not telling you about an account that he associated with your joint account with him through the pin card, however, I think something else is going on here. I don't think the bank account broke the trust nor did his lying about it. I think there were already problems.

You say when you 'asked' him about the account, he denied it "as i expected". Why did you 'expect' him to deny it? How did you 'ask' him? If the tables were turned and he asked you in the same way, would you have felt comfortable answering truthfully?

Now, you know the account is with his mother. If she lives in another country, could there be reasons he wanted to keep the account quiet? Are you willing to listen to him or are you going to run away from the issues and the relationship?

Only you know what led up to this, so, only you know if it is part of a pattern of hiding things and lying.

JoeCanada76 · Oct 2, 2010, 08:01 PM

It sounds like you were accusing him of cheating.

Obviously he was not.

Did he lie about anything. I really do not think so.

None of your business really if he has another account with his mother.

Get a hold of your jealousy.

It is way over reaction on your part. The more you react, the more you accuse the less likely he will be open with you.

Slam, you just put a wedge in your relationship and its your fault.

Deceived, no.

Get over it.

sweetann_32 · Oct 3, 2010, 08:57 AM

My dear joypulv, we all do have secrets in a relationship, but the point I'm saying is that if he open an account with his mom why hide it. He could have said yes, but its is mother's account. In life my dear it's the small things in life that counts the most, because it will let you know what the future may bring. I am not worried about the account, what concerns me is how many trivial lies he has told before. I need to be happy and therfore I try to be a good partner because if I become nagging then who is going to be happy in the relationship. Its only going to be stress and more stress.

sweetann_32 · Oct 3, 2010, 09:03 AM

Thanks for sharing your views on my question and I just want you to know that I did not jump to conclusion, all I did was asked him about it and leave it there and after finding the bank book I handed it to him and walk away smiling.

talaniman · Oct 3, 2010, 09:06 AM

You live together, so how long have you know each other, and been a couple??

sweetann_32 · Oct 3, 2010, 09:14 AM

If there is a wedge its not caused by me. I did not said he was cheating - he lie about having another account and he could have lie about other things too. Relationship is about communication and trust.

JudyKayTee · Oct 3, 2010, 09:27 AM

I would be more troubled by the lie than the bank account. I have no problem with someone saying it's none of my business, it's private, it's personal, don't worry about it (or any/all of the above). I do have a problem with a "partner" looking me in the eye and lying.

As far as secrets in a relationship - maybe everyone has some. It's the lying about the secrets that troubles me.

Cat1864 · Oct 3, 2010, 09:44 AM

Please do not use chat speak. It is against site rules and can result in your post being deleted or your thread closed.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/faq.ph...#faq_faq_rules

Originally Posted by sweetann_32

I am not worried about the account, what concerns me is how many trivial lies he has told before.

If you don't trust him and didn't before this, why are you with him?

Do you expect him to tell you the truth and only the truth as you perceive it (he might see a situation differently than you do) about everything? Are you looking for 'lies' and keeping count?

I hope I am reading your reaction to finding the bankbook wrong. You almost seem smug about catching him in a lie and turning it into a game of making him 'wonder' what's on your mind. The whole thing sounds like you both need to work on your communication skills and discussing issues with each other. There is a difference between 'nagging' and discussing. In a discussion, both people talk and listen to each other hopefully working out any issues and compromising/setting boundaries together where needed.

How is the rest of your relationship? Do you enjoy being together and spending time together?

sweetann_32 · Oct 3, 2010, 05:44 PM

I am wise enough to know that only a fool breaks his own heart, so why would I go searching for something that will caused me stress. I have put it behind me, and its not a game if he sits and wonder what I am thinking. He asked for it not me.

sweetann_32 · Oct 3, 2010, 05:56 PM

Finally, someone understand what I am saying, thank you so much. Judy.

sweetann_32 · Oct 3, 2010, 05:59 PM

Nine years - but its never too late for a shower of rain. And don't forget that it takes years to build trust and less than a second to loose it. Trust is what u earn not demand.

joypulv · Oct 22, 2010, 06:11 PM

I stand by my belief that someone has a right to hide a bank account when you don't put any money into it, which you have chosen not to talk about. And there are times when a lie is forgiven, possibly because he was on the spot and couldn't bring himself to say none of your business. I'll say it again = we all hide something from those we love. And there are REASONS to lie. A woman had to flee the country because a man is trying to kill her and has asked everyone close to her to not tell anyone, or he's a gambler who spent every dime they had, or drank it, or was involved in organized crime... I can think of lots of scenarios.

kaka67 · Oct 22, 2010, 06:33 PM

Why did he hide it and why did he lie about it?

Nine years together and he can't tell you about an account he has with his mother? Something's up.

Odd... More to this than meets the eye...

Maybe he doesn't trust you for whatever reason. Just putting the idea out there...