Hi,

I guess I'm writing this as I seem to be slowly driving myself nuts and really don't want to talk to my friends about it (as they all out up with a good three months of my misery when my ex and I broke up). The essentials of the situation are, I'm 26 was going out with a girl (27) for c. 1 and a half years. First year was mainly long distance then I decided to move to her town and basically lost myself in her, gave her no space, etc. and she broke up with me. Well it began as a break... got very paniced, did all the wrong things and break became break up pretty quickly (this was 8 months ago). I stayed in that city for four months of mental torture not contacting her but hoping we d get back together... really bad idea (esp. when I was on a date wi someone else, met her, told her I loved her and sai told me basically I made her feel terrible when we were together (which is possibly true as I wasn't as good to her as I could have been for a range of reasons).

Anyway the reason I'm writing now is because I've moved away for the last 4 months, had nil contact and was generally getting over her (though I do miss her... we were friends first and I really miss her friendship and generally how we were together) but I recently accepted a job in the city she lives in. I did this not because I think we'll get back together (no chance) but it's a really good opportunity for me.

Since I accepted the job (I start in three weeks) I can't stop thinking about her, esp how we broke up, how I was with her. I replay everything in my mind. She was so crazy about me 9told friend/family I was the one) and I really could nt deal with it (felt too young, not ready, etc.) but now these thoughts are making me very anxious, making it hard to sleep. I have been sick for the past week as my immune system is shot from lack of sleep and too much (self inflicted) stress.

I'm not expecting some magic bullet, I guess I just wanted to share my experience with others and maybe ask if anyone had any advice? I should also ad that I'm a grad student finishing a phd (so that is another massive stress). Right now I feel like I lost the most important person in my life allover again (even though NC for four months). I just want to stop beating myself up and not feel so sick and stressed!

Thanks for listening

Hey man I'm sorry to hear about what happened

Sadly once you date someone the friendship is pretty much over you can't overcome this at leats 98% of the time
Don't think about what she said it. You couldn't have been the one because if you was. She wouldn't have broken up with

She was in love with an ideal and when it didn't work out she left.

You know who the most important person in your life is..

Its you! You got to bring you self out of this rut man or you mess up everything

You should really move on my friend its been long enough stop hurting yourself about the mistakes you have made. Just make sure you don't do the same ones in the futuer
We all do silly things in our life
But the good that comes from that. Is to know we should never make the same mistakes again.

Regards

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Originally Posted by mattletiss

Hi,

I guess i'm writing this as i seem to be slowly driving myself nuts and really dont want to talk to my friends about it (as they all out up with a good three months of my misery when my ex and i broke up). the essentials of the situation are, i'm 26 was going out with a girl (27) for c. 1 and a half years. first year was mainly long distance then i decided to move to her town and basically lost myself in her, gave her no space, etc. and she broke up with me. well it began as a break...got very paniced, did all the wrong things and break became break up pretty quickly (this was 8 months ago). i stayed in that city for four months of mental torture not contacting her but hoping we d get back together....really bad idea (esp. when i was on a date wi someone else, met her, told her i loved her and sai told me basically i made her feel terrible when we were together (which is quite possibly true as i wasnt as good to her as i could have been for a range of reasons).

anyway the reason i'm writing now is because i've moved away for the last 4 months, had nil contact and was generally getting over her (though i do miss her...we were friends first and i really miss her friendship and generally how we were together) but i recently accepted a job in the city she lives in. i did this not because i think we'll get back together (no chance) but its a really good opportunity for me.

since i accepted the job (i start in three weeks) i can't stop thinking about her, esp how we broke up, how i was with her. i replay everything in my mind. she was so crazy about me 9told friend/family i was the one) and i really could nt deal with it (felt too young, not ready, etc.) but now these thoughts are making me very anxious, making it hard to sleep. i have been sick for the past week as my immune system is shot from lack of sleep and too much (self inflicted) stress.

i'm not expecting some magic bullet, i guess i just wanted to share my experience with others and maybe ask if anyone had any advice? i should also ad that i'm a grad student finishing a phd (so that is another massive stress). right now i feel like i lost the most important person in my life allover again (even though NC for four months). i just want to stop beating myself up and not feel so sick and stressed!

thanks for listening

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I need to be as honest as I possibly can without sounding mean... have you actually read what you have written up there? I think, in the nicest possible way, you need professional help... not be locked up in a white coat sense but talk to a proffessional an hour a week about why you acted this way with your ex and why your obsessing...

I'm not sure why he would need a psych eval when he's explaining about the breakup. If the way he acted above means he needs help, then I guarantee you that roughly 80% of the people in the relationship forum needs help.

He made the mistake of wrapping his entire life around the girl, and he freely admits that.

As far as nc for 4 months, kudos. But you're still not over her... which is tough.

Now you're moving back into a town in which you barely know anyone... and she's your only link there. I suggest... find MANY hobbies, make some new friends at work, and do everything you can to keep yourself busy. Through some mutual friends, she may find out that you're back in town, and who knows, she may be still interested enough to call you up, but don't expect anything and just move on. Get some rest, eat well, and take your multivitamins.

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I'm not sure why he would need a psych eval when he's explaining about the breakup. If the way he acted above means he needs help, then I guarantee you that roughly 80% of the people in the relationship forum needs help.

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That notion is probably not too far-fetched.

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He made the mistake of wrapping his entire life around the girl, and he freely admits that.

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Agreed. And it's a step in the right direction.

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As far as nc for 4 months, kudos. But you're still not over her... which is tough.

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That's his main roadblock - still not over her.

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Now you're moving back into a town in which you barely know anyone... and she's your only link there. I suggest... find MANY hobbies, make some new friends at work, and do everything you can to keep yourself busy. Through some mutual friends, she may find out that you're back in town, and who knows, she may be still interested enough to call you up, but don't expect anything and just move on. Get some rest, eat well, and take your multivitamins.

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Good advice here.

Hey,

Thanks for the advice... I guess I probably made some things less than clear in my question... I've not spent the last 8 months obsessing over this girl. In that time I've had a few short relationships, done lots of work on my thesis and made some serious future plans. The problem is that since I've accepted this job I can't get her off my mind. Sure I went through a few months at the start where I was thinking of her all the time but I got through that and back to being happy in myself. The problem is now I feel like I'm back in that place and am very anxious about moving back. And I guess worried about feeling like this.

I actually did seek some professional help after the relationship broke up to deal with my issues. visited a counsellor once a week for about two months and did move forward constructively on why the relationship went the way it went. I have no prob with admitting this, actually think there is a lot to be said for seeking prof help sometimes.

Why don't you contact her for a catch up? It's been long enough and it might do one of three things. Make you worse, Make you think 'what was I thinking?? ', or kick start things of again. Your clearly doing your nut in over this girl so why not give it a go a clear the air. Sometimes you can be more in love with the thought of a girl than the reality and a reality check appears to be the order of the day here

Well, as far as helpdave's comment... yes, you can call her up, however, two things might happen:

1. she might have missed you, and she will want to spend time with you. This might get your hopes up... and she may/may not feel as strong as you do. She may just wanted to catch up with you.

2. she might think, "what's wrong with this guy...?" and this might push her further. She also may be in another relationship by now.

So... you may take your chances. But if you do, don't expect anything...

Also, as far as you being anxious, I know how you feel. My ex and I broke it off right before Christmas, and when school started up again, I was nervous as all hell. But I found out, after the first day, it really wasn't that big of a deal. I feel that the idea of being near her again is making you nervous and just the idea of you running into her is giving you some anxiety.

After reading about your situation, I think you really need to move on, I think you need to put this person out of your mind. It seems to be like you are a bit obsessive about her. I think maybe it is not love but more of a desire for being in love. It also seems to me like you were depending on her as a major source of security and happiness, that seems to take up a large part of your life. Maybe you could find other pursuits that could feel that void, I can imagine you feel dejected and empty, because that part is gone, but I think you could fill it with other things, than the relationship.

I think maybe you should consider working on some on the insecurities you had you mentioned for example you feeling “too young”, therefore I think maybe you could work on your confidence levels. Maybe an assertiveness or confidence building course might be helpful. I also think you could use distraction to help free your mind from this person, maybe develop a hobby, maybe one that is creative will be helpful such as painting, or drawing, or music, that will help you express your feelings, without talking about that person. Yes, I definitely think you should stop torturing and it seems to be like your tormenting yourself. Also I think maybe you could read some books on getting over a relationship or consider counselling if it is all getting too much. I can really empathies with your situation, time is a great healer. But it's not necessary to keep suffering, I hope you can be happy.

Mate I'm am 31 I broke up from my ex when I was 22 I have met a few girls since then an had 2 kids to one of them and I'm still not over her. All that move on etc is b's because if you love somebody then no matter who you meet or who your with you will never replace it. An slowly going nuts. A tip when your feeling down an low an about to put your head in your hands DON'T take a deep breath an put your head up high while breathing deep an think to yourself. I'm strong I'm better then this an keep doing it. Trust me it works

People who say move only do so because they can not understand what your going through. Moving on is pointless. True love is a bond an bonds are like finger prints none to the same. It would be like getting a peace of 1 jigsaw puzzle and putting it with another it will never fit.

If you can honestly say that you want to be friends with her and that you would be completely okay with seeing her with another man, you are over her, and a friendship is possible. However, if you can't, you need to keep up the no contact unless you are wanting to go through EVERYTHING all over again, and maybe even worse this time.