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    taoplr's Avatar
    taoplr Posts: 415, Reputation: 144
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    #441

    Aug 30, 2009, 11:52 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by vanheart View Post
    Ive had a few pretty depressing days since, questioning my worthand trying to understand and release the feelings of rejection and "how could she do this" sort of stuff.
    Hey Van,

    It might not always feel like it, but you have come a long way. It's good to hear from you.

    OK, so everybody is going to bust you on the "self worth fallacy," and they should. You have the experience and personal resources to debug that one. In the end, the most sophisticated techniques and psychology will be less powerful than a personal decision to simply love yourself, no matter what. Do that. Treat yourself with respect. Always.

    As for trying to understand and release those feelings of rejection, I believe that you can gain a lot through that endeavor. If you can observe and listen when those tapes run, you have a chance of releasing them, putting them in an archive somewhere in the recesses of your mind. But keep in mind the possibility that some day you will need to access them in order to feel the empathy to help another human being.

    The "how could she do this" part still hasn't caught up with current reality. He hasn't assimilated the facts and could be the holdout who is still causing you to suffer. Spend some time with him.

    My feelings have grown to utter sadness in a way. The loss. The amazement of going from love to nothingness in such a short time. How 5 years can end so abruptly. Hurts, but have been trying to dig deeper with my inner work and understanding.
    Keep it up. With her, it's over. Done. With your inner life, your sadness and loss make room in you and deepen you for true, lifelong love, starting with a healthy sense of self love.

    I am so lucky to have a few very close friends who have been incredible & I have redirected my love towards them. Makes me weep at times in gratitude.

    There's still not a day that goes by that I don't think of her and miss the closeness and security of having someone in my life.
    Two powerful statements here:

    (1) Gratitude is the nectar of the gods, the force that heals, the catalyst and fuel of your (and my) liberation from illusion and the suffering it brings. Be grateful for your life.

    Be with what is so that what is to be may become. - Soren Kierkegaard

    (2) You need to love and be loved. You need to know a mate and be known by her. You need someone in your life, someone who chooses you, and whom you choose again and again and again. You haven't found that person yet. She's looking for you.
    Ive been fortunate to land a giant gig that will take me through October. Perfect timing actually.

    My focus is to be the most kind and aware person that I can be and avoid drama at all costs, and keep learning.

    That's the right focus. Remember it.

    I thank everyone that has given their unselfish advise here.
    That has meant the world to me.

    Van.
    It means a lot to us, too. Keep posting updates. When you wake up one day soon with this episode in your life done, digested, and assimilated enough for you to forget it 99% of the time (It should never go away completely; it's learning) you might find yourself helping someone who needs your unique talents and perspectives. Share what you've got. You'll be glad that you did.

    Enjoy the giant gig.

    Tao
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    vanheart Posts: 2,806, Reputation: 708
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    #442

    Aug 31, 2009, 09:28 AM

    Thank you Tao.
    I appreciate those thoughts.
    vanheart's Avatar
    vanheart Posts: 2,806, Reputation: 708
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    #443

    Aug 31, 2009, 09:53 PM

    Tao,

    Thanks again especially for that Kierkegaard quote. You always know what stage I'm at. Nice one.

    BTW, tried to get into that "General Theory of Love", but wasn't ready. Maybe later.

    Been getting into the Carlos Casteneda stuff again. Wasn't ready when I read it at as a teenager.

    Anyway, glad that you are here.
    vanheart's Avatar
    vanheart Posts: 2,806, Reputation: 708
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    #444

    Sep 1, 2009, 10:31 PM

    Hey,

    That last push from everyone has brought me through that door I was so afraid to go through. Thanks.

    Chuffs words about comparing myself to her & esteem & Tao's words about making room for goodness. "She hasnt found me yet." No wonder..

    I still write notes and put them in front of me. One tonight: "Star-effers and boyfriends dont mix". I wish I had written that one a long time ago, and recognized it.

    Another one was "Whos in your IN box?" My sense of humor.

    At the risk of being sappy, thanks.

    My movement is now forward completely. My love and its direction.
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    vanheart Posts: 2,806, Reputation: 708
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    #445

    Sep 9, 2009, 09:15 PM

    Having one of those days.

    Running tapes.

    Trying to be active and patient, but sometimes these recurrent thoughts become out of my control. Mostly because, I guess the past is catching up with reality & Im not letting go. Even though I know Im strong, moved on, and being grateful, helping others too. I know truly that Im a good man.

    The pain is still there & I want nothing more to relieve that. I know that this is larger than this breakup, but, sometimes the rejection & all that comes with it, is overwhelming, all of the lies & deceit. The disrespect.

    Sucks. A$$.
    vanheart's Avatar
    vanheart Posts: 2,806, Reputation: 708
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    #446

    Sep 9, 2009, 09:35 PM
    Letting myself be used.
    vanheart's Avatar
    vanheart Posts: 2,806, Reputation: 708
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    #447

    Sep 9, 2009, 09:57 PM
    OK,

    She's here for another wedding today. Another one of her oldest gf's.

    Plus Ive read a couple articles she's written. And boy if they aren't my words. Even my punk NYC accent & terms. She knew how smart I was, but also how stupid. Plus, I saw she's teaching classes. (another thing I pushed her to do, as a side project.) After all, why not let interns & students worship you?

    Im venting, sorry.

    Pissed, sad, hurt & weirded out. Among other things.
    amicon's Avatar
    amicon Posts: 6,066, Reputation: 1911
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    #448

    Sep 9, 2009, 11:12 PM
    Vent on van-thats what we re here for-and days like you just described are normal as I think you know.betayals suck-having been lied to sucks-but you as a you said are a good man and nobody can take that away from you!wishing you a better day tomorrow.
    taoplr's Avatar
    taoplr Posts: 415, Reputation: 144
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    #449

    Sep 9, 2009, 11:46 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by vanheart View Post
    Having one of those days.

    Running tapes.

    Trying to be active and patient, but sometimes these recurrent thoughts become out of my control. Mostly because, I guess the past is catching up with reality & Im not letting go. Even though I know Im strong, moved on, and being grateful, helping others too. I know truly that Im a good man.

    The pain is still there & I want nothing more to relieve that. I know that this is larger than this breakup, but, sometimes the rejection & all that comes with it, is overwhelming, all of the lies & deceit. The disrespect.

    Sucks. A$$.
    A window is open and it's Opportunity Time: What does the past catching up with reality feel like? Where does that change muscle tightness in your body? When you let go, what happens? What sits just below the surface, trying to be recognized?

    "The rejection & all that comes with it" are red herrings, distractions from experiencing realizations about yourself, your part in creating the drama from which you are recovering. You get big changes when you let the rest of the story come into consciousness, when you own your part it writing the script.

    Casteneda would understand.

    Tao
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    shian109 Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #450

    Sep 9, 2009, 11:51 PM

    Believe me, u can get another better girlfriend!
    vanheart's Avatar
    vanheart Posts: 2,806, Reputation: 708
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    #451

    Sep 10, 2009, 04:54 PM

    Thanks everyone.

    And Tao, I do & have taken a critical look at myself, my past relationships.

    Know that I have been in denial. Allowed myself to ignore signs and have not stood up for my own needs.

    Gave and gave until there's nothing left of who I originally started as.
    Stemming a lot from my disconnected Mom & her own ignorance of reality. She doesn't even really know what I do. (after 25 years.)

    In fact I didn't even tell her until a couple months after. She said "Why dont you call that last girl you went with"

    Knowing all of this and working on it sometimes doesn't help fight those bouts of pain, but Im trying.

    Makes me feel that these 5 years were a waste in a way, & how I got with the wrong person, for wrong reasons. Felt that selfishness all along.
    The breakup was, in a way the icing on a bad cake. And Im still in denial that this was more of the same only the sum of the parts.

    Those feelings of rejection are more ignorance on my part. And Im still perpetuating it.

    I guess I get so upset that I gave and she took with no concern. My fault in a way. What gets me sometimes is the way she ended it and had zero respect after so long.

    I guess people and their emotional skillsets are different.

    Time and continued awareness are my salvation.
    (and everyone here.)

    Thanks,
    Van
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    vanheart Posts: 2,806, Reputation: 708
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    #452

    Sep 10, 2009, 07:32 PM

    You know..

    Was thinking that she didn't recognize sh$$t.
    And, I didn't recognize eating it.

    Thanks.
    taoplr's Avatar
    taoplr Posts: 415, Reputation: 144
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    #453

    Sep 10, 2009, 11:10 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by vanheart View Post
    Thanks everyone.

    And Tao, I do & have taken a critical look at myself, my past relationships.

    Know that I have been in denial. Allowed myself to ignore signs and have not stood up for my own needs.

    Gave and gave until there's nothing left of who I originally started as.

    That's what happened. You shaped yourself according to the image you thought she wanted. You gave away your choices.

    Stemming a lot from my disconnected Mom & her own ignorance of reality. She doesnt even really know what I do. (after 25 years.)

    Consider the possibility that you did with her what you also did to survive emotionally growing up with your Mom. We all repeat our Mom pattern with the women we love. It doesn't work. It wasn't what she needed, primarily because she isn't your Mom.

    In fact I didnt even tell her until a couple months after. She said "Why dont you call that last girl you went with"

    Knowing all of this and working on it sometimes doesnt help fight those bouts of pain, but Im trying.


    You will stop hurting when you have learned to just let it all be, your part in it as well as hers.

    Makes me feel that these 5 years were a waste in a way, & how I got with the wrong person, for wrong reasons. Felt that selfishness all along.

    You knew exactly what you were doing. It wasn't a waste, and she wasn't the wrong person. She just wasn't the lifelong person, your partner for life. The payoff (and the healing) come to you when you just attend to what you learned from this, and are just grateful.
    .
    The breakup was, in a way the icing on a bad cake. And Im still in denial that this was more of the same only the sum of the parts.

    Those feelings of rejection are more ignorance on my part. And Im still perpetuating it.

    You can stop when you are ready.

    I guess I get so upset that I gave and she took with no concern. My fault in a way. What gets me sometimes is the way she ended it and had zero respect after so long.

    There's no good way to end it. Even if she would have done everything "right" your heart would be broken. You would find reasons for feeling the way you do. It's not wrong. It just hurts.

    I guess people and their emotional skillsets are different.

    Time and continued awareness are my salvation.

    (and everyone here.)

    You got the last part right. Like the rest of us, awareness, and just awareness, opens the way through this to a state of wholeness.
    Thanks,
    Van
    Practice presence.

    tao
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    vanheart Posts: 2,806, Reputation: 708
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    #454

    Sep 11, 2009, 05:32 PM

    Thank you, Tao.
    That helps very much.

    I haven't let it be yet.

    I guess the past hasn't truly caught up in my mind.
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    taoplr Posts: 415, Reputation: 144
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    #455

    Sep 11, 2009, 08:49 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by vanheart View Post
    Thank you, Tao.
    That helps very much.

    I havent let it be yet.

    I guess the past hasnt truly caught up in my mind.
    What is your inclination at this point? Are you inclined to give it a rest, or reduce the charge you feel (pain), or dive deeper into your psyche and figure out how to resolve the underlying pattern, or do nothing? Or something else?

    What, coming from within your own mind/body, will be the biggest relief?

    Tao
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    vanheart Posts: 2,806, Reputation: 708
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    #456

    Sep 11, 2009, 09:11 PM

    That's a good one.

    Would like to give it rest. Till way later.
    Maybe its habit at this point. Sometimes hard to tell.

    Would love to resolve this pattern. Im just scratching that, even though its been going on for a while.

    I certainly don't wish do nothing. But that sounds completely spiritual, thanks.

    I guess the best relief for me will come with changing. In however way.

    Thanks for digging deeper with me.
    vanheart's Avatar
    vanheart Posts: 2,806, Reputation: 708
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    #457

    Sep 11, 2009, 10:38 PM
    My answer is that I want to dig deeper.
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    j_ely823 Posts: 118, Reputation: 5
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    #458

    Sep 11, 2009, 10:47 PM
    Your post has me swooning. You sound like the perfect lover.. I don't know why she would do that to you. How old is she, its probably a maturity issue. She needs to live her young single life, BUT I put my money on the fact that she will regret it in 10 years.
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    vanheart Posts: 2,806, Reputation: 708
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    #459

    Sep 11, 2009, 10:57 PM

    Thanks. I heard that after the fact from girls before. My problem.

    She's 35. Age doesn't matter sometimes. Just how together you are.

    Her karma, if it catches up, will find me waaay gone.

    That doesn't really matter. She did the right thing.
    taoplr's Avatar
    taoplr Posts: 415, Reputation: 144
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    #460

    Sep 11, 2009, 11:03 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by vanheart View Post
    My answer is that I wanna dig deeper.
    Gutsy answer. I know that you know this means facing some demons.

    You might be glad to also know that every demon is a potential ally. They are keepers of your secrets, guardians of your keys to survival, and possibly trail guides to your happiness. Make friends with them.

    I've got to sign off now. But you can choose from many approaches to digging. Remember the "Parts Party?" Maybe another one to start...

    I'll be back tomorrow.

    Enjoy!

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