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    She cheated on me after 5 yrs of relationship. But I still want her I' am a fool?

    Asked Mar 4, 2007, 05:02 AM 23 Answers
    Hello People,
    I would love anyone to jump in here and help me. I have been with this girl for 5 years. We were in love and were living together, and I was planing on proposing to her this June -- on her B-Day, and then this January I woke up one day and my life has completely changed. This girl told me she was going out with her friend one Saturday night, and I said on fine. When she went out, she didn't even call until she came back the following day in the afternoon. I was angry and asked her why she didn't even call me, and she just rolled her eyes. I was going out before she came home so I asked her to think about what we can do to fix that because I don't want to feel violated because I say it's cool to go out, I trusted her. I was on my way to my friend's house when she called me by saying, guess what I'm leaving you. She left me that day and she never came back. I was so destroyed, when I asked why she's doing that, she simply said she was never happy with me, she also said I love you, but I'm not in love with you... Ok, how come you never told me that before? I asked her... come to find out she met someone on myspace and she went to bed with that night. A couple days later when I asked her about it... she didn't deny it.. she simply walked away... and told me, don't ever call me anymore because I'm not even your friend or your sweetie [I call her sweetie ] I love this girl folks and I trusted her... I basically made her a woman. I gave her everything , because I thought we were building a family. I kept calling her after she left trying to make sense out of everything , but she went crazy and started telling hurtful things. So I started to leave her alone. After a month of no call or communication, I called her to schedule lunch she accepted my invitation, at the luch table, I didn't mention any relationship talk, but the following day she IM and she said "I'm not a you can always call me call me for anything"... "we have 5 yrs of history, you will always be part of my life etc..." I love this girl folks and I want her back. I'm willing to Forgive her because of our 5 years relationship but don't know I'm being too nice to her. Also don't know how to classifiy her authorisation of calling her or IM her. Is she playing with my emotions or she wants to come back?

    PS. Last time I checked her new dude site her latest comment " em, em (K)(K)(K)" I'm going crazy... folks please advice me , please!

    Like I said It has been almost 2 months since she left, I now have been talking to her again, but don't know how to get her back.. she answers my calls, my IM , but she doesn't call me for anything. Please help folks, how to get this girl back?

    Any advice would help... Thanks

    Last edited by Ardo; Mar 4, 2007 at 02:12 PM. Reason: Rephrase the title
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    23 Answers
    tinsign's Avatar
    tinsign Posts: 275, Reputation: 66
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    #2

    Mar 4, 2007, 05:15 AM
    You must follow your own heart but!
    Can you truly be able to accept the fact she lied?
    Cheated and was able to just hop in bed with someone from a ?
    Can you except the fact that she just tossed your feelings away without a thought?
    Saying you both do get back together, would you later not start to have doubts even if she went out with friends again for even an hour or two?

    I truly hope you rethink this over, as it will forever be in the back of your mind, even if you don't want to admit it to yourself.

    You can't make someone want or love you as you do them, let her go now and find someone who would respect you, It is the best thing you can do.
    Helpful (3)
    Geoffersonairplane's Avatar
    Geoffersonairplane Posts: 1,195, Reputation: 286
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    #3

    Mar 4, 2007, 06:05 AM
    I don't think she deserves your love my friend, not anymore. REMEMBER, she was with you for 5 years and then suddenly throws it all away for a fling with someone else without any consideration of the relationship. Could you ever trust her again? It would take a lot of work. I'm sorry this has happened to you but I have gone through similar (not identical) circumstances. I know how you must be feeling but trust me, I think you can do better now and I don't think she values you as much as you do her. Begin No Contact and move on with your life. Find a good woman who will appreciate you for who you are!!
    Helpful (1)
    origins13's Avatar
    origins13 Posts: 68, Reputation: 8
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    #4

    Mar 4, 2007, 06:36 AM
    Can you forgive her for hurting you? Love yourself more. You deserve better than this. Move on.
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    Geoffersonairplane's Avatar
    Geoffersonairplane Posts: 1,195, Reputation: 286
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    #5

    Mar 4, 2007, 06:43 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Ardo
    Ardo agrees: I agree. It just so hard to move on
    I know how hard it is for you, believe me I know. Read my first thread if you like, some similar things happened to me, not quite the same but similar. I was engaged to my ex and with her for 3 years before she ended it. I was devastated at the time and that was 6 months ago and I can tell you, it has been a long journey for me. I struggled for months trying to come to terms with it but trust me, time will get you through the pain that you are feeling. It could take anything from 6 months to a year to fully recover from it once you begin full No Contact. I can tell you that I am so much better and emotionally healthy now after 6 months post breakup. You will still have passing thoughts even after 6 months but you will be much stronger as long as you begin a healthy healing path.
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    JoeCanada76's Avatar
    JoeCanada76 Posts: 6,668, Reputation: 1707
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    #6

    Mar 4, 2007, 06:49 AM
    The answer is no she is not coming back. Why do you want somebody back that caused you so much heartache?

    Everybody has had good advice for you, please take it and learn from this experience.

    Joe
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    Ardo's Avatar
    Ardo Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Mar 4, 2007, 06:50 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane
    I know how hard it is for you, believe me I know. Read my first thread if you like, some similar things happened to me, not quite the same but similar. I was engaged to my ex and with her for 3 years before she ended it. I was devastated at the time and that was 6 months ago and I can tell you, it has been a long journey for me. I struggled for months trying to come to terms with it but trust me, time will get you through the pain that you are feeling. It could take anything from 6 months to a year to fully recover from it once you begin full No Contact. I can tell you that I am so much better and emotionally healthy now after 6 months post breakup. You will still have passing thoughts even after 6 months but you will be much stronger as long as you begin a healthy healing path.
    Thank you very much... You mean it's not even necessary to be her friend.. right? Everyday I feel like calling her or IM her. Although, she's the one who cheated on me, and hurt. Don't know why I feel like I have to beg her. It just hurt folks, I can't help but to feel sad.
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    JoeCanada76's Avatar
    JoeCanada76 Posts: 6,668, Reputation: 1707
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    #8

    Mar 4, 2007, 06:53 AM
    Begging her is only putting you in a worse spot then you are already in. No amount of begging will help and if you show your desperate which you already have will just push her further away, but there is no need to even be friends with her, you better off without because quite honestly she is not your friend or anything else at this time. The sooner you realize that the better off you will be for your future.

    Joe
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    Geoffersonairplane's Avatar
    Geoffersonairplane Posts: 1,195, Reputation: 286
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    #9

    Mar 4, 2007, 06:58 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Ardo
    Thank you very much ...You mean it's not even necessary to be her friend.. right? Everyday I feel like calling her or IM her. Although, she's the one who cheated on me, and hurt. Don't know why I feel like I have to beg her. It just hurt folks, I can't help but to feel sad.
    Of course it hurts, that is perfectly natural and you have every right to feel that way. Being her friend will not do you any good, it will draw out false hope and quite frankly, why should you hope for anything from someone who hurt you so much. This will fade away I promise you.

    Here is some practical advice for you to follow and it will help you progress (it helped me):

    She will be in your head 24-7 for quite some time to come. This is a huge loss for you! What you must do now to help yourself heal from this loss is to:

    1.) Maintain NO CONTACT -- NO LETTERS, E-MAILS, PHONE CALLS, TEXTS, NOTHING!

    2.) Keep yourself busy, go to the gym, take up an old hobby, spend time with friends and relatives, whatever.. Try to avoid alcohol where possible (it won't help)

    3.)Try not to dwell on the past too much, focus on what you can do for yourself to improve you, as a person. Perhaps you have lost part of who you were before you met her. Try to establish what this was and get it back.

    I hope this helps you..

    REMEMBER: NO CONTACT IS ONLY FOR Yourself HEALING!
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    Ardo's Avatar
    Ardo Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Mar 4, 2007, 06:58 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Jesushelper76
    Begging her is only putting you in a worse spot then you are already in. No amount of begging will help and if you show your desperate which you already have will just push her further away, but there is no need to even be friends with her, you better off without because quite honestly she is not your friend or anything else at this time. The sooner you realize that the better off you will be for your future.

    Joe
    Thanks Joe... Will try to move on...
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    Geoffersonairplane's Avatar
    Geoffersonairplane Posts: 1,195, Reputation: 286
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    #11

    Mar 4, 2007, 07:00 AM
    This woman in no way deserves your friendship at this time.
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    Geoffersonairplane's Avatar
    Geoffersonairplane Posts: 1,195, Reputation: 286
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    #12

    Mar 4, 2007, 07:01 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Jesushelper76
    The answer is no she is not coming back. Why do you want somebody back that caused you so much heartache?

    Everybody has had good advice for you, please take it and learn from this experience.

    Joe
    The first 2 lines of what Joe wrote here are very important for you Ardo.
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    moomin007's Avatar
    moomin007 Posts: 158, Reputation: 33
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    #13

    Mar 4, 2007, 07:02 AM
    Its OK to feel sad Ardo, it shows you have loved in the first place.

    Its also OK to feel afraid... afraid for the future, uncertainty about how you will cope on your own, afraid to committing to someone else in case it happens again.

    There are lots of emotions going thorugh your system which (happily) we don't encounter in our everyday lives.
    Its all part of living, loving, losing, leaving.

    Start No Contact now. You WILL get through it. You will begin to live for yourself again. You may even find a new love
    Helpful (3)
    Jiser's Avatar
    Jiser Posts: 1,266, Reputation: 281
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    #14

    Mar 4, 2007, 09:24 AM
    You have your friends, family. I find the best point of the day is when I am doing sports or at the gym working out. Get such a high, all those endorphines flowing through :)

    1) No contact please, how can you expect to think clearly if you are both talking still

    2) Try to move on, friendship might be on the books when you finally recover, who knows what the future holds

    3) It is clear she does not want to be with you anymore, so leave off her and find someone better

    Good luck
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    Geoffersonairplane's Avatar
    Geoffersonairplane Posts: 1,195, Reputation: 286
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    #15

    Mar 4, 2007, 09:40 AM
    The title of this thread is "Is my ex - coming back?" Ask yourself Ardo that in time, would the question perhaps change to "Would I really want the ex back?"
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    Ardo's Avatar
    Ardo Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #16

    Mar 4, 2007, 09:50 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane
    The title of this thread is "Is my ex - coming back?" Ask yourself Ardo that in time, would the question perhaps change to "Would I really want the ex back?"
    Thanks for your incessant light sheding words. I'm starting to make a decision.
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    Geoffersonairplane's Avatar
    Geoffersonairplane Posts: 1,195, Reputation: 286
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    #17

    Mar 4, 2007, 01:04 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Ardo
    Thanks for your incessant light sheding words. I'm starting to make a decision.
    No problem.. Come back if you need to Vent, if you are feeling down and need some people to talk to. Sometimes it can be hard to talk to the people around you!

    Also, please remember to give yourself time to grieve.. You have a process to go through that unfortunately is a long and painful one but you will become stronger.
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    valinors_sorrow's Avatar
    valinors_sorrow Posts: 2,927, Reputation: 653
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    #18

    Mar 4, 2007, 01:16 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane
    The title of this thread is "Is my ex - coming back?" Ask yourself Ardo that in time, would the question perhaps change to "Would I really want the ex back?"
    This is really worth a close look. What Geoff said here is exactly where you will need to end up naturally. It takes time but it's a lot like getting fired from a job. At some point you realise it was for the best because you didn't really fit in there to begin with and now you are free to find where you do fit in. So you pick up yourself esteem from the sidewalk, dust it off and say, "Well, her loss!" and move on. No one in their right mind would want someone who doesn't want them. And none of us have the power to tell another who to want or not want. So accept that she doesn't want you and let it go. Anything else only stalls the inevitable and increases your pain.
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    LBP's Avatar
    LBP Posts: 206, Reputation: 42
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    #19

    Mar 4, 2007, 01:40 PM
    Everyone has given great advice!

    But I'd also tell you this... It's quite obvious that this woman thought you had no spine, no character to speak of... She clearly assumes she can walk all over you and you'll come running back, asking for more. Do you think that this is the first time in five years that she's cheated on you?

    I bring this up only because of your reactions to being so hideously disrespected... I mean, it doesn't even sound like she enjoysd your company... That she's using your abundance of affection to make herself feel good and for no other reason.

    Time to man up my friend - that means when you get slapped in the face, don't ask what you did wrong unless you REALLY did do wrong. You've been getting nothing but crap from this girl and it's time to shut the door and FAST. DO NOT RESPOND TO HER MESSAGES IF SHE MESSAGES YOU (I think at some point she will). Cut her from your life completely. All this woman (more like an immature girl) did was turn you into an amoeba with no life, no character and no courage.

    You need to take those things back for yourself, to grow up and become a man again, a man that women want and men want to hang out with. Remember to look after yourself and to not take this crap from anyone, especially from the person you're in a relationship with...

    When you said she went out and never called you and then rolled her eyes at you when you were upset... MAN! I got angry just reading it! Don't let people do this to you ever again. Call the shots and sit in the driver's seat - the first step is going NC with this girl and not stopping EVER. She's dead to you, my friend - the sooner it happens the better.
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    JDOP's Avatar
    JDOP Posts: 94, Reputation: 7
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    #20

    Mar 4, 2007, 01:46 PM
    Many of us have gone through what you're going through. Although I must say that your story is the most appaling I have heard here.

    The answer is: yes, you are a fool if you are still attempting to win her back. She will not come back and if she does come back then you should not take her back. This woman represents heartache. Leave her alone - completely. Try not to think about it and occupy yourself with other stuff and people.
    I bet that in a few months she will come to you, begging for forgiveness. She is not to be forgiven. What she did is wrong and mean. She is a cheater and a liar. Do not call her, ever again. Your goal in life for now should be about getting over her, which you will.
    Good luck
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