Our son passed away 3 years ago. My daughter in law who has been part of our family for almost 15 years, has become defensive and seems to look for the one word to create a argument. We all remained close for the first 2 years. Now since she has found a new man she has become confrontational and is manipulating by using our granddaughter.

For example: recently we were with them at a relatives house, when my husband made a comment about our 6 year old granddaughter was doing the ADD with her attention. He meant nothing it was his way of stating she was very active. After we got home she sent a accusing text that we shouldn't use that wording. He explained it was just a terminology he was sorry. She continued to defend her statement and how she was protecting her child.

She has no sense of humor, she is defensive, and accuses all of us that we hate her new man. We have told her we have not even met him and have no judgement. When we tried to take our granddaughter for the afternoon my daughter in law tagged along, as if we were not allowed to take her on our own, probably because we might say the wrong thing.

We are at our wits end what do we do?

The best defence is no defence. Just go along with what she wants or says if you want to have interaction with your granddaughter.

She's probably got a lot of guilt over your son and granddaughter and this is how it is manifesting. She wants to move on and find another partner, but she's got this tie to her late husband's family, being you, and I think she's a little afraid that it will hamper her finding and keeping a partner. She's probably also afraid of you guys feeling like she's already replacing her late husband so quickly. It is really hard to say. Have you actually had a chance to talk with her about this.

I agree in part with Tickle, my wife and I are currently in a struggle with my parents and they've taken the approach of "Just go along with it" and it involves not talking to us. Which is what is hurting our relationship. It would be good to talk with her, but be open minded and realize you might not like all that she has to say, but it is her right to say it.

There is nothing like death and divorce to mess up a grandparents joy of being around their grandchildren. Not unusual that the surviving spouse or ex feels (overly) protective and that's just something you have to accept as she goes about rebuilding her life. 7 may be a bit young (in her mind) to be exposed to those negative labels, but in time if you are patient hopefully you get better at recognizing her parental boundaries and expectations.

When things take years to develop and unfold, patience is what you practice. Grand kids get older and they hate being caught in the middle of adult relatives conflicts because all they really remember is who loved them. Just expect it to be rough between you and your DIL until she regains her trust and confidence in you.

Don't be too disappointed when she doesn't go along happily with YOUR program, because long term it will be small steps that make a difference, and not big conversations, so yes keep talking but don't push it too hard. You have the advantage of experience so use it to give love and understanding, not frustration.

LOL, we can't control our kids, and have absolutely no control over the ones they marry. Like I said divorce or death changes everything and ruins the plans greatly. Cope/adjust and be gentle (If you can), because for all their flaws, you have yours too.

Good luck.

The ADD remark was uncalled for. He should apologize and drop it and you shouldn't judge her reaction to it. It's both offensive to the child without ADD who was assigned this label by her grandfather, and to kids who actually have it because you are equating this label with bad behavior. She probably should have let the slight go, but it is offensive and she was offended by it, so instead of finding fault with her for being properly offended, you need to relax about it.

The relationship with her former in-laws when she lost her husband and is not in a new relationship is a difficult one to navigate. Maybe instead of calling her out for not having a sense of humor, being touchy and whatever other negative characterization you can throw at her, you could reach out and ask her how you could make things easier for her and better between you. Then you have to listen and not react negatively, even if she lashes out a bit. This sounds like a rough situation you all went through and you need to let each other grieve.

She very well may want to put more of her focus on her new family members and may not know how to make it work with the family of her deceased first husband.

The gorilla in the room is that you are low in the hierarchy now. She is the mother. She may or may not marry again, or at least have a new father figure in her daughter's life.
It is going to be very complicated when that happens, and it sounds imminent.
Unfortunately, instead of getting into little spats about what someone said to someone else, you and your husband need to gently back away just a bit, and let her call the shots about time spent together.
If you can't do that, you should get counseling (you and your husband). Of course it's a sad, delicate situation. The child is what you have of your son. But that child needs to grow up with her mother first, and everyone else second - and who all those people are and when and in what capacity are up to HER.
Do it for the child.
Your DIL sounds like a good person who wants to keep you in both their lives. But she isn't going to introduce the new man right away, and especially not until YOU tell her in the most gentle and heartfelt way you can that you understand that it's all up to her. (I predict that she will love your for it too.)